It's Like a Never Ending Quest to Be Worse Than Awful
There's a commercial for Chips Ahoy where a chocolate chip cookie sings "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" to a buxom claymation woman before being eaten by a human that disturbs me on a lot of different levels (why are commercials now stooping to sexualizing chocolate chip cookies? Why would you give your edible product a face and a skeevy personality if the goal is to get people to buy and eat said product? Can you get an STD just from listening to "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy"? What happened to this cookie and this woman in their respective childhoods that has led them to date outside their species). Like, to the point where I seriously can't watch it. I have no problem watching the creepy ads for The Strangers, but when that Chips Ahoy commercial comes on, I need to change the channel or watch with my hand covering my face.
Today, this commercial came on immediately before AMC and...I actually found myself wishing I could see the commercial again instead of the crap that passes for entertainment on All My Children.
Here's a smattering of what we had to put up with this week:
(1) Okay, technically this is from last week but like reader buddz pointed out, this high horse moment cannot go without a comment:
Tad: You knew, didn't you? You knew about Kendall and Aidan. I'm sorry. It took a lot of work, but Aidan finally told me the truth. He said you had promised never to tell anybody, but I guess you found out about it somehow, huh?
Kendall: Tad, we know that you're upset --
Zach: Let him talk.
Tad: Couldn't believe it. I could not believe it when he told me he was coming to Cambias to work for you. I said it was a mistake, but I guess I was right, because his first day, his first day, you send him on a suicide mission?
Kendall: No, that's not how it happened.
Tad: Oh, please. A man as powerful as Zach Slater finds out you slept with somebody. What do you think is going to happen? That's it? It's history? Well, I don't think--
Kendall: No, so would you stop it?
Tad: Congratulations, Zach. Congratulations, because if you wanted payback, you certainly got it.
Kendall: Look, Tad, I know that you're upset, and I'm so sorry. We're so sorry --
Tad: Spare me your sympathy, please. And I guess it works out nice for you, doesn't it? Because if Aidan is dead, then your betrayal dies with him, or is that the way it was supposed to turn out?
Kendall: No, I never wanted Aidan to get hurt
Tad: Excuse me. I've got to go tell my parents their son is dead
I...I just...I can see why Tad would be upset about Jake and Pine Valley's sexiest piece of driftwood being presumed dead. I can. The death of a sibling is always painful, and losing Aiden means that he's losing the person who always makes him look comparatively smart. So I sympathize. I just feel like there's a proper way to express your anger in a situation, perhaps by writing your thoughts in a letter and not sending it.
I don't think it's normal to self righteously explode at the person who (a)knows that you tortured and buried a man alive (b)stood on trial for a murder you committed (c)is better than you in every conceivable way. Tad really has no etiquette when it comes to dealing with the people he's wronged...
More (and spoilers!) after the jump...
Greenlee: Oh, Spike, I mean, I wanted to be a mother so badly, I took off with him and he could have been killed in that car accident.
Kendall: I don't want to think about that.
Greenlee: Neither do I, but I did those things, Kendall. And I'm just realizing how selfish I was. Do I really want to be a mother? Am I really cut out for it? No.
Um, just because Greenlee is admitting to being a crazed babynapper doesn't mean that I forgive her for being a crazed babynapper. And does she want a prize for just now realizing that it was selfish to steal a child from a woman in premature labor? It took her, like, a year to have this epiphany? And Kendall is just like, "Water under the bridge! We're best friends! Best best best! Besties!"
You just KNOW that the fallout from Greenlee discovering the truth about Kendall and Aiden's one night stand is going to be longer and more intense than the post-baby theft fallout, and Greenlee will take three times as long to forgive Kendall.
(3) Cassandra's elephant is getting more screentime than Josh and that doesn't sit well with me.
(4) Between Nikki and David's wacky plane ride on Y&R, and Jack and Kendall's cell phone switching shenanigans, I think that soaps have stopped ripping off each other's stories and have decided instead to rip off sitcoms. And not, like, good sitcoms like The Office (season finale tonight: Ohmigod! I did not stop laughing at the Kevin plotline. I am giggling just thinking about it now) or 30 Rock. Like...Rules of Engagement type sitcoms. The AMC writers have a big secret and a cell phone switch is the best they can do? Ugh, lazy lazy lazy.
All of which is bad enough, but it's going to get WORSE.
To protect myself from the heart attack or nervous breakdown that can come from being surprised by the horors that AMC gives us on a daily basis, I've been reading spoilers and they are just...I like to know what I'm up against, you know? But knowing that some of this is coming up just shakes me to my very core.
So, rumor has it that Sydney Penny isn't just leaving the show, but she's going to be killed off, which infuriates me to no end. Did the AMC brass learn NOTHING from the reaction they got after they killed Dixie off? How long can you go on repeating the same mistakes before someone steps in and puts an end to your reign of terror? I'm not even talking being fired, I mean...they deserve to be smited (smote?) for this.
Ugh. Julia's been mostly boring since her return a few years ago, but that has nothing to do with Sydney Penny. The writers just haven't felt like writing for her, for whatever reason. But Julia was a HUGE part of why AMC used to be awesome, she's a classic soap heroine, she was half of an immensely popular supercouple and Sydney Penny is great. So they kill her off? What the fuck ever.
I am just thinking of the possibilities that the Tad/KathyKate/Julia story could have had. Imagine? Now we're going to automatically reunite Tad with his daughter who, by now, is surely going to have a wicked case of PTSD.
Beth Ehlers is leaving Guiding Light and joining AMC as Liza...or Hayley. Soap Opera Weekly says Liza, but there are rumors flying all over the place that it's Hayley, and I have to tell you that if it's Hayley? I am going to probably lose my mind.
If I were to become a crazy, I would be a crazy for Peter Bergman or Kelly Ripa. I LOVE Kelly Ripa. I think she is the most adorable person to ever exist. I once got into an argument with a co-worker about Kelly Ripa's awesomeness; it was a verbal confrontation, not a physical one, but I wouldn't rule a physical confrontation out if someone was really harshing my pro-Ripa buzz. Like, I can see why, hypothetically, people would find her annoying, but those people are wrong. She is the best.
Um, anyway, what I am trying to say is that I could not ever accept a recast of Hayley. I just couldn't. I am sure that Beth Ehlers is phenomenal, I've heard a lot about her being great and I am hoping that one of GL's eight viewers will fill me in about her talent, but...I really hope she's playing Liza so that I don't have to hate her.
(ALSO, if she is playing Hayley, would Mateo be coming back and would he, too, be a recast? Because let me tell you something, if they brought back Hayley and it turns out that she and Mateo broke up?! I would...I would angrily blog about it, like, A LOT)
The lovelies at Daytime Confidential have the scoop that Richie is being killed off. Sob!
How badly did they bungle this character? Billy Miller is charismatic and talented, the character is insane and gives Pine Valley some much needed oomph and his existence means that insults are continuously hurled at Ryan, which makes the world a better place. But heaven forbid we have a legitimately entertaining character on the show, right? We wouldn't want someone fun to watch on a TELEVISION SHOW. Ugh. First they write him into a corner and then they kill him.
I, of course, blame Babe.
The news that they are SORASing Petey Cortlandt and bringing him back on canvas is quite nearly enough to make up for it though. I know that getting my hopes up for this is just, like, putting a big old target on my forehead, begging for disappointment, but I can't help it. The possibilities are so good, you'd have to be a moron to mess them up.