As is my wont, I've taken to doing all sorts of random things in an effort to avoid watching All My Children (this week: I've gone on a jaunt to HomeGoods to wander the aisles aimlessly; read the titles and episode descriptions of all of the ABC After School Specials--I think my favorite title might be "My Dad Can't Be Crazy...Can He?", although I also love "Just Tipsy, Honey"; rearranged my sandals; played Hearts; got annoyed when the computer beat me at Hearts) because watching AMC is painful to me on a spiritual level, and I think it also might be making me physically ill. I don't think it's allergies that are bothering me, I think it's a sickness stemming from repeated exposure to crap.
I can't even describe it. The last time I was asked about AMC, all I could say was "Ugh..vomit". Not "You know, it's pretty terrible" or "there are some bright spots, but overall the writing is poor". No. Just "Ugh...vomit".
Because there are no bright spots. I mean, of course, Jesse and Angie are fabulous and Yaya is surprisingly good (or at least not overtly terrible...it's entirely possible that this show has set the bar so low that I just think she's good in comparison to others) and I love Zach and Kendall to death in ways that probably push me over the edge into crazytown, but this week alone, I've had to sit through (1)Kendall giddily spending time with KRYSTAL, of all people, while Greenlee and Angie tried on wedding gowns in something that seemed to be a low-budget music video rather than a montage. Remember when Kendall used to hold a grudge so intensely that it was a little bit scary and you were worried that if she wasn't fictional and you happened to meet her and cross her that she'd shank you first and ask questions later? I miss that Kendall. She didn't even try to poison Krystal once during the course of the afternoon! (2) Zach and Greenlee having some sort of crazy bond because of their time spent locked in a bunker together, a bond so amazing that it actually led Zach Slater, who I previously thought was the only rational person in this town, to say the words "Greenlee's what matters. I lost sight of that", like, what the holy hell?! That's not cute, that's not funny, that is just a metric ton of WTF.
So if AMC can ruin things near and dear to my heart, it's obvious that they can wreak havoc with things that are terrible, like Tad's search for Kathy. This? Is why I can't keep food down when I watch this show!
Hazel: And I wish you luck, but there is nothing I can do. That past died with Dr. Madden [who died, remember, after Tad buried him alive and tortured him for weeks--ed.]. I have gotten on with my life.
Tad: Well, I haven't. I can't [lying liar who lies--ed.]. Because my little girl, my Kate, is still out there somewhere.
Hazel: And there's nothing I can do about it.
Tad: I don't believe that, or I wouldn't be here. Hazel, I'm begging you. By now, Kate's nearly six years old. I've been looking for her the entire time [BLATANT EFFING LIE--ed.]. Six years old. I've never seen her, I've never held her, I've never told her I love her. And she's been with me the entire time, because not a day goes by, not an hour, when I don't think about her. You want to talk about loving somebody? My wife used to buy Christmas presents, birthday presents, in hopes of one day we'd be able to give them to her ["But she never thought to, like, google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate. Weird"]. And now Dixie's never going to get that chance, because she passed away about a year and a half ago.
Hazel: I am sorry.
Tad: But when she died, I held her in my arms, and I told her, I promised her, how I'd find our daughter and I would bring her home. And that's exactly what I intend to do. Your old boss has made that very difficult. I am nowhere without you. I'll do anything. Just help me find her. You are the only person on this earth who could give my wife a little peace.
Because, see, no. None of that ever happened, no matter how heartfelt and self righteous Tad is when he talks about his long hard life. The way I remember things going down, Dixie didn't think to Google the name of the doctor who delivered Kate and traveled around Europe instead of asking Tad the PI for help, then Tad killed a man to get information on his daughter before allowing Dixie to stand trial for murder, then upon Dixie's death was like "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again" before promptly forgetting about this search for his child in favor of blackmailing Krystal into marriage and obsessing over every move Adam Chandler makes. I mean, it's possible, I guess, that I've been watching an ENTIRELY different All My Children, but I like to think that if I were going to hallucinate an entire television program that I'd at least hallucinate something high quality.
