Um, The "Madness" Part is Right on the Money...
I regularly receive emails from SOAPNet. I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not this is because, as part of my on-going feud with Brian Frons, I like to keep an eye on what my enemies are doing or because I like the thrill of seeing an unread email in my inbox ("FW: htworger? How intriguing!"). So I got one yesterday, reminding me to tune into the premiere of SOAPNet's new ripoff of an E! ripoff of a VH1 show.
Frankly, all it did was serve as a reminder for me to make an actual appointment with an actual therapist to determine why I torment myself by watching ABC Daytime/SOAPNet at all. I'm leaning towards self loathing, but it would be nice to have an expert confirm that for me and perhaps make suggestions of safer alternatives. Like maybe huffing.
I did think that some parts of that email were interesting, in the way that it's interesting when you hear how war was fought in medieval times. Like the fact that they hope readers have a sudden craving for details on "the A-list Drama Mama's latest boy toy" (as if that sentence is actually real and not a hellish group of words cherry picked from Ted Casablanca) and then showcase Minnie Driver (!!!) when you go to their homepage. Minnie Driver is A-list? This is like when they say Sonny is a good man: just because you repeat something endlessly doesn't make it true. My life would be a lot different if that were the case...
Of course, the most interesting thing of all was that the word "soap" appeared four times, and as part of SOAPNet each of those times. It's like Brian Frons thinks that soap operas have cooties.
Because of the aforementioned self loathing, I clicked on the link in the email that brought me to the Relative Madness page which had a troubling poll on it.
What the hell kind of demographic is SOAPNet going for? In that poll alone, they are trying to hit the blind, Becca and eight year olds, respectively. But not, like, soap viewers. Could they not make a soap poll about siblings? It's not that difficult.
That took me all of a minute and a half, although I do have the advantage of not being mortally afraid of soap operas.
Also of note, on the Relative Madness page, the only things remotely soap related are tiny pictures of Ali Sweeney (fine), Judith Light (Ugly Betty is kind of a soap and she was legendary on One Life to Live) and Chandra Wilson (um...she hosted the Emmy pre-show last year). On a soap channel's website.
I did not watch this show, which is surprising considering that I watch a wide variety of crap television programming, but I like to think of it as taking a stand and protesting, like I'm the Norma Rae of bitter soap fans. Also, I didn't think it would be good for my senses to go from the brilliance of The Office and 30 Rock to a show that is the brainchild of Brian Frons. Can you imagine the whiplash?!
But, out of morbid curiosity, I did take a look and see who their list of "Drama Mamas" included. I don't know what a "Drama Mama" is, why any self respecting adult would use that phrase aloud, or why someone is paying money to produce this show and not just setting piles of cash ablaze, but whatever, here is the top 15:
- Sami Brady
- Sharon Osbourne
- Lynette Scavo
- Debbie Rowe
- Marcie McBain
- Marie Osmond
- Laura Spencer
- Bridget Moynihan
- Courtney Love
- Martha Stewart
- Claire Meade
- Mel B.
- Dina Lohan
- Erica Kane
- Britney Spears
I...I don't know.
I don't know why a countdown show on a soap network, hence the name SOAPNet, has a Top 15 with only 4 soap characters (6, if you count primetime soaps, which I don't). I don't know why the caption for Debbie Rowe said "Birth the babies, then Beat It!" as if that were remotely clever. I don't know why Bridget Moynihan is a celebrity. All I know is that I am starting to understand why people do bad things. Because the monumental idiocy of Brian Frons forced them into it.