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« 1, 2, 3, 4, I Declare This a Dumbass Blog War | Main | Breaking Up Isn't Really That Hard To Do »

May 29, 2008

Who Spiked the Water Supply With Bitchiness?

The Young and the Restless has been so relentlessly boring lately that I've actually contemplated self-injury, just to liven things up a little bit. I have never seriously thought about stabbing myself, not when I spent six weeks (SIX WEEKS!) with Frida's "I Know There's Something Going On" stuck in my head on endless repeat, or when I was stuck in line at Banana Republic behind a woman on the phone with a friend who repeatedly called John McCain "John McVan" which...how is that mispronunciation even possible, unless you are a blind, deaf Amish hermit? But Y&R has been so terribly dull that it nearly drove me to harm myself.

I just...to put it politely, I don't understand the choices the powers-that-be have been making lately. I know that the show has had a strong business focus for years, but it's never been this...dry, and it's usually been balanced by soapiness.  But the past few weeks have been nonstop talks of boardrooms and mergers and lawsuits and if I wanted to watch a show about the inner workings of a corporation, I'd watch a documentary on CNBC, which would probably be less dull anyway.

Today's episode, though, was actually sort of entertaining because it seems like everybody in Genoa City came down with a massive attack of nastiness. It was kind of exciting because, as you may know, I enjoy nothing more than snotty comments and sneers.

Rentacop

I adored Adam telling JT that he is "a rent-a-cop in a nice suit". For starters, JT really needs to be insulted more, because he's the most awful combination of bland and smug. I can tolerate blandness and I can tolerate smugness, but a combination of the two is irksome.

Also, "rent-a-cop" just rolls off the tongue.

But Adam couldn't maintain his level of awesomeness for the duration of the episode, as he went on to hit on Heather at the gym with the vomiticious "Nice glutes".

Gym

What, did they not have "What's your sign?" at Harvard? Emmy nominee Vail Bloom does have a killer body and is very pretty to boot, but still!

Heather is dorky enough to fall for it, though. She is just the worst.

Heatheradam

Divider

Nikki and David's confrontation over his seemingly shady dealings with Brad was hilarious, because David kept making these "Oh no! She's onto me!" faces as he scrambled for a lie:

Doh
Hair

Way to be subtle, Chow! His guilt and nervousness are practically tangible.

And she kept responding with the most hilariously disdainful faces:

Nikki
Nikki2
Nikki1

It makes me even more depressed that she didn't get an Emmy nomination this year. If the Emmy voters don't want to reward powerhouse performances or the decision to so commit to your role as a grieving mother that you go on television in the age of HD without makeup, can they at least reward people who can glare the most convincingly? I mean, really.

But what the hell was on this woman's head?

Whatisonherhead

That barrette looks like it weighs ten pounds, and I'm not sure how she's managing to hold her head up. And it's fugly to boot. I mean, if you are going to risk your health for beauty, you should at least make sure that what you are wearing is cute.

Divider

Even Michael got in on the action with a "Is this heffa for real?" face

Michaelwtf

Answer: Gloria is never for real, or at least not "real" as the world at large understands it. She lives in her own world, a world only rivaled by the universe of Guillermo Del Toro in terms of scariness.

Divider

But the true shining star of the episode was Jess Walton, who gave a master class in awesomeness when she fired Gloria, earning a coveted spot in the Cameron Webber "Bitch, Please" Hall Of Fame.

Now, I am not optimistic that this firing will take, but come on! It was so good to see Glo get even a temporary comeuppance, especially when it was accompanied by Jill's ever expressive face.

She got things started with an "Aww! You seriously think I care what you have to say?" look:

Jill

And segued into "I am completely bored with you right now"

Jill2

When Gloria tried to make excuses about how she promises to work more now and devote herself to Jabot, Jill flew off the handle. It was a wee bit irrational, but I like to think that Jill, too, is completely fed up with the antics of the back alley grifter and just exploded the way that all of the viewers want to whenever her bug eyes are on screen

Jill3

Then she was all, "God help me, she's a simpleton as well as a lunatic"

Jill4

Then she fantasized about snapping Gloria's neck

Jill5

before finally, hilariously laughing in Gloria's face when Glo tried to play the "I'm John's widow" card

Lol

and reminding Gloria that her gold digging ass has been married twice since John died, awesomely bidding her adieu with "Have a nice life".

This is why Jill should be on every day, and not just on Y&R. She could be like Linda Dano a few years back and go from soap to soap, just telling people off. Don't act like it wouldn't be awesome.

Comments

You really are the best columnist EVER! I never laugh so much at a blog but you really take the cake. I just wish Y&R was better so we could get more! Are DOOL, AMC and GH really all that much better that you blog about them more? Or am i just a serial-crackhead who can't wait for my next fix?

I'm with you on the JT thing. I don't understand how someone so hot (and he is, when his hair is properly cut and non-helmety) can be made to be so boring/annoying. And at the same time. Ick.

This column was better and more fun than Y&R has been for the last month. Combined. Thanks.

Just Awesome.

I agree that Y&R moves slower than a state highway construction worker, but I am almost done with GH, and I gave up on AMC a year ago, so that leaves Y&R that I watch consistently. The acting is good, and the dialog is pretty good, there isn't constant gratuitous violence, and the show doesn't center around a sleezy mobster wannbe with a completely psycho ex-wife who is obviously taking Ritalin without a prescription.

That said, the horrific kissing scenes between the most arrogant man ever to exist in a soap opera and the she-male whose gender identity is suspect that he is "in love" with, do make me gag, and I wonder why I watch.

Yet every once in awhile, I actually kinda like Gloria, love Jill, Katherine, and the smoking hot Cain. Hate Nick's Stepford wife (Phyl, go back to the scheming!) like Nicky when she is not being a complete dolt, can't wait to see David's downfall, and adore Vic Jr.'s snarkiness which is generally right on target. And I want Jack to win. Anything.

My one major complaint: can someone please ask the music director to STOP USING PORN MUSIC?? (Not that I have ever seen porn.)

I'm putting my vote in right now for the exporting of Jill to happen and for her to start on a certain mobster wannabe, his ex-wife and his secret pain loving hitman.

Oh my god. Jill is the Queen of my world right now. I know this Gloria firing won't stick, but still. It's like Jill read my mind!!

All Jill all the time would be fabulous!

Sometimes, I kinda wish Y&R would pull a DAYS, where Jess Walton's Jill would turn out to be, oh, Joan Black (or whatever) and then Brenda Dickson could come back as Vampy Jill.

I totally vote for Jill to go around with massive 'Sam Winchester' bitchface on, telling every character on ever soap, ever what a total eff up they are and why.

Geez there's a lot of hate going on. Bitchy comments, bitchy people, bitch bitch bitch. What the hell?

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