"Creatively Bankrupt Hack" Doesn't Even Do It Justice
Remember when The Sixth Sense came out and the world was like, "Wow! That was pretty great! M. Night Shyamalan is going places"? And then he made Unbreakable and the world was all, "...okay. I see what he was going for". And then came Signs and we all thought to ourselves, "Water? Really? That's the best you can do?". And then when he did The Village we were like, "Seriously, is he just screwing with us"? And then we saw The Lady in the Water and we were all, "SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. JUST STOP. YOU ARE HORRIBLE".
And then he made The Happening which, by all accounts, is just terrible on every level and has been referred to as the most embarrassing thing Mark Wahlberg has ever done, which is a list that includes the Planet of the Apes remake and the Funky Bunch, and you take a break from your anger with M. Night Shyamalan for sucking and get mad at the people who keep giving him the money and the power to make these movies. Like, is he just allowed to coast on The Sixth Sense for the rest of his career? "He made that one good movie ten years ago! Let's throw some more money at him!"
That's kind of the point I'm at with Bob Guza and the brass at ABC Daytime. As much as I hate what Bob Guza is doing--and I do. Oh, how I do--I am equally mad at the people who just keep letting him do it. Look, ABC people, I know that Clink!Boom was a great moment. But that is one scene over the course of a decade spent decimating a show. Are those few seconds, and the rare scenes over the ensuing years that haven't been horrible, REALLY enough to make you overlook the fact that you are hemorrhaging viewers? Because if it is...how do I get a job working for you? I'm kind of interested in going into a line of work where I can tell the same exact story over and over, and do it POORLY, and still have ironclad job security.
After the jump: the GH spoiler that has me all ranty.
So, remember how Carly had sex with Sonny after they left Michael at the care facility? Of course you do. Nobody is lucky enough to successfully repress that memory. And then she had sex with Jax and the entire free world just KNEW that we were being set up for another Who's the Daddy storyline, because daytime doesn't seem to have enough of those.
If only things were that bad. If ONLY GH was simply doing yet another Who's the Daddy story. But no. This is the GH run by Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps, where the worst possible thing you could imagine happening turns out to be the highlight of any given story.
This time, we're going back to Guza's favorite story of all time and Carly, thinking she's pregnant, is going to claim Jason is the father.
Please, take a few minutes and process the stupidity of that sentence.
For starters, this is highly reminiscent of the Victoria/Brad/JT story on The Young and the Restless when they had Victoria suffer a miscarriage just so she could get pregnant with a child and not know who the father was.
And then, the million dollar question: why would anybody be proud of telling the exact same story that they told over ten years ago? It's bad enough when you repeatedly rip off popular movies and stories from other soaps, but to pretty much say, "Yup, we're doing it all again! It's going to be high-larious!"? That's so incomprehensibly lame that I don't even have words for it.
It's an interesting exercise to see how the character has changed since then.
Um...if this the case, we can already see how the character has changed, and the answer is not at all. Riveting, riveting storytelling, Mr. Guza. We're supposed to think that, despite ten years, two children, countless marriages, and a handful of traumas, it's completely fine that the character of Carly has, apparently, learned nothing and has not grown one iota as a character? Way to piss all over the (regrettably few) moments during which Carly acts like an actual, mature human being, not to mention the entire concept of storytelling as a whole, you loser.
But besides the fact that he's a creatively bankrupt moron with no shame...this story does not make ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER.
Like...okay, in one of her aforementioned moments of lucidity, Carly realized that Sonny's presence in her children's lives is dangerous and asked him to give up his legal rights to the boys. So when she is possibly pregnant, she decides to claim that the person who now has Sonny's old job--which, remember, is so dangerous that he can't have his sons in his life--is the father of the baby?
I don't try and pretend that I understand the motivation for the character of Carly. I want no part in deciphering the mind of a woman who dresses the way she does, not to mention a woman who claims that her husband cheated on her after he was raped at gunpoint, or who blames her fiancee for the fact that she cheated on him with the guy she married behind his back or [fill in deranged thing Carly has done here], but you can at least see some sort of thought pattern to her schemes. They are never good thought patterns, but at least they are there. I know that she runs to Jason for everything, but not even that is a good enough reason for her to do this.
And, here's the thing. If you don't know who the father of your possible baby is, and the choice is between your husband and someone else, why not just save everybody a whole mess of chaos and, I don't know...just claim it is your husband's? Especially when your husband is
- A good stepfather to your sons
- Desperate to have a biological child
- Not a career criminal
Bob Guza explains why this is not a good solution:
"If it's Sonny's, having just lost Michael, Sonny would never let this child go and, of course, that would ruin her relationship with Jax. If it's Jax's, Jax is going to be all over her"
What the fuck does that even mean? I'm being completely serious: I have no idea what those words mean. "Jax is going to be all over her"? He'll be all over her to what? Take her prenatal vitamins? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. At least the last time Carly had this asinine plan, she was legitimately scared that Tony and/or AJ would take her baby away from her. The biggest risk here is that Jax is going to be a good father to the baby. Which, God forbid, I guess.
But maybe I am overreacting. After all, this is totally funny, you guys!
"This is where it gets a little comedic," grins Guza
Yes, this is a laugh fucking riot! Watch Carly destroy any semblance of character growth she's ever had! LOL! Watch Jax have his heart trampled on again! LOL! Watch Jason eat more airtime in a story he doesn't need to be a part of! LOLOLOLOLOL!
Ugh! Fuck off, you stupid, stupid man.
How does he still have a job? How is that possible?! I hate everything.