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« Not Safe For Life | Main | Countdown to the Emmys: Day 6 »

June 18, 2008

"Creatively Bankrupt Hack" Doesn't Even Do It Justice

Remember when The Sixth Sense came out and the world was like, "Wow! That was pretty great! M. Night Shyamalan is going places"? And then he made Unbreakable and the world was all, "...okay. I see what he was going for". And then came Signs and we all thought to ourselves, "Water? Really? That's the best you can do?". And then when he did The Village we were like, "Seriously, is he just screwing with us"? And then we saw The Lady in the Water and we were all, "SERIOUSLY, STOP IT. JUST STOP. YOU ARE HORRIBLE".

And then he made The Happening which, by all accounts, is just terrible on every level and has been referred to as the most embarrassing thing Mark Wahlberg has ever done, which is a list that includes the Planet of the Apes remake and the Funky Bunch, and you take a break from your anger with M. Night Shyamalan for sucking and get mad at the people who keep giving him the money and the power to make these movies. Like, is he just allowed to coast on The Sixth Sense for the rest of his career? "He made that one good movie ten years ago! Let's throw some more money at him!"

That's kind of the point I'm at with Bob Guza and the brass at ABC Daytime. As much as I hate what Bob Guza is doing--and I do. Oh, how I do--I am equally mad at the people who just keep letting him do it. Look, ABC people, I know that Clink!Boom was a great moment. But that is one scene over the course of a decade spent decimating a show. Are those few seconds, and the rare scenes over the ensuing years that haven't been horrible, REALLY enough to make you overlook the fact that you are hemorrhaging viewers? Because if it is...how do I get a job working for you? I'm kind of interested in going into a line of work where I can tell the same exact story over and over, and do it POORLY, and still have ironclad job security.

After the jump: the GH spoiler that has me all ranty.

So, remember how Carly had sex with Sonny after they left Michael at the care facility? Of course you do. Nobody is lucky enough to successfully repress that memory. And then she had sex with Jax and the entire free world just KNEW that we were being set up for another Who's the Daddy storyline, because daytime doesn't seem to have enough of those.

If only things were that bad. If ONLY GH was simply doing yet another Who's the Daddy story. But no. This is the GH run by Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps, where the worst possible thing you could imagine happening turns out to be the highlight of any given story.

This time, we're going back to Guza's favorite story of all time and Carly, thinking she's pregnant, is going to claim Jason is the father.

Please, take a few minutes and process the stupidity of that sentence.

For starters, this is highly reminiscent of the Victoria/Brad/JT story on The Young and the Restless when they had Victoria suffer a miscarriage just so she could get pregnant with a child and not know who the father was.

And then, the million dollar question: why would anybody be proud of telling the exact same story that they told over ten years ago? It's bad enough when you repeatedly rip off popular movies and stories from other soaps, but to pretty much say, "Yup, we're doing it all again! It's going to be high-larious!"? That's so incomprehensibly lame that I don't even have words for it.

And this:

It's an interesting exercise to see how the character has changed since then.

Um...if this the case, we can already see how the character has changed, and the answer is not at all. Riveting, riveting storytelling, Mr. Guza. We're supposed to think that, despite ten years, two children, countless marriages, and a handful of traumas, it's completely fine that the character of Carly has, apparently, learned nothing and has not grown one iota as a character? Way to piss all over the (regrettably few) moments during which Carly acts like an actual, mature human being, not to mention the entire concept of storytelling as a whole, you loser.

But besides the fact that he's a creatively bankrupt moron with no shame...this story does not make ANY SENSE WHATSOEVER.

Like...okay, in one of her aforementioned moments of lucidity, Carly realized that Sonny's presence in her children's lives is dangerous and asked him to give up his legal rights to the boys. So when she is possibly pregnant, she decides to claim that the person who now has Sonny's old job--which, remember, is so dangerous that he can't have his sons in his life--is the father of the baby?

I don't try and pretend that I understand the motivation for the character of Carly. I want no part in deciphering the mind of a woman who dresses the way she does, not to mention a woman who claims that her husband cheated on her after he was raped at gunpoint, or who blames her fiancee for the fact that she cheated on him with the guy she married behind his back or [fill in deranged thing Carly has done here], but you can at least see some sort of thought pattern to her schemes. They are never good thought patterns, but at least they are there. I know that she runs to Jason for everything, but not even that is a good enough reason for her to do this.

And, here's the thing. If you don't know who the father of your possible baby is, and the choice is between your husband and someone else, why not just save everybody a whole mess of chaos and, I don't know...just claim it is your husband's? Especially when your husband is

  • Awesome
  • A good stepfather to your sons
  • Desperate to have a biological child
  • Not a career criminal

Bob Guza explains why this is not a good solution:

"If it's Sonny's, having just lost Michael, Sonny would never let this child go and, of course, that would ruin her relationship with Jax. If it's Jax's, Jax is going to be all over her"


What the fuck does that even mean? I'm being completely serious: I have no idea what those words mean. "Jax is going to be all over her"? He'll be all over her to what? Take her prenatal vitamins? I DON'T UNDERSTAND. At least the last time Carly had this asinine plan, she was legitimately scared that Tony and/or AJ would take her baby away from her. The biggest risk here is that Jax is going to be a good father to the baby. Which, God forbid, I guess.

But maybe I am overreacting. After all, this is totally funny, you guys!

"This is where it gets a little comedic," grins Guza

Yes, this is a laugh fucking riot! Watch Carly destroy any semblance of character growth she's ever had! LOL! Watch Jax have his heart trampled on again! LOL! Watch Jason eat more airtime in a story he doesn't need to be a part of! LOLOLOLOLOL!

Ugh! Fuck off, you stupid, stupid man.

How does he still have a job? How is that possible?! I hate everything.


Mallory, seriously, you complete me! LOL. You have said everything I think about GH and said it better than I ever could. But it is like the story of the Emporer's New Clothes. TPTB don't care how many people yell that Guza isn't really wearing any creative clothing at all. He's got them snowed and we are stuck with shitastic writing that is sinking to new levels of stank. The only option we have left is to tune GH out. Now, if only I could give up Liason.....

Mallory, repeat after me...

"I will stop watching this dreck. I will save my sanity. I will turn on OLTL and learn how to laugh at things that are deliberately funny again."

Keep saying that until the bad, bad show goes away.

And here is the other thing I just thought of, is Jason REALLY going to go along with this? AGAIN??? I know he is brain damaged, but as he is able to dress himself, (the same outfit every day, but still) that does not excuse this.

I can just see how this is going to play out. Carly NEEDS him, so he agrees to go along with this, but can't tell Elizabeth of course, so we get more of Jason's SECRET PAIN!

I dont love to hate this character any more. I dont love to hate this show or Jason or Sonny. I FUCKING HATE IT! W.T.F?????????????

::deep breath::


stupid &$%#@^$@#&*(%&%$#@!!

I swear to all that is creative (and therefore painfully and obviously NOT written by Bob Guza Jr) that you and I share a brain.

It's like you're right inside my head reading my thoughts!

I honestly feel bad for the actors - such talented people having to turn out that tripe each and every day over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And again.

I really dont understand what Frons see's in Guza.

I don't know why I can't believe it. It's GUZA we are talking about but he still manages to make this show a pile of rubble with some people on it that used to be on my favorite soap called General Hospital. I can't really recognize them anymore either (Robin, Lucky, Luke and physically, Bobbie).

Um, I'm going to have to agree with the first post (mainly because it's the only one I read...)

Anywho, OLTL is flippin' awesome these days and the only contact I allow myself to endure regarding GH is this blog (which is quite amusing). Soo...yeah...<3 OLTL

OK, we all know the REAL reason she's doing this. It's eating away at her tiny, shriveled, dark soul that Liz has Jason's baby. She needs one, too. And, unlike Liz, she'll be all out and proud about it. She'll be like "this way you can have a baby you can openly embrace and love and care for, unlike that shrew Liz who won't let you near your son." THAT is how she's going to push him into this insane plot device.
Seriously, why would he agree to this? HE was the one who blackmailed Sonny into signing away his rights to Morgan so he could leave the business because having a father who was/is a mob boss was dangerous to the boys. Now, after going to all that trouble to "save" her younger son, he's going to go ahead and endanger her unborn child by agreeing to let the general public believe it's father is a mob boss instead of, say, a hotel owner? Really, Guza? I hate this show.

I....have no words. ME! Wow. I honestly thought the level of suck w/GH could no longer surprise me....WRONG.

*falls to knees and begins begging God to let Kimberly decide to leave before it's time to reveal the paternity*

WHAT?! Oh, like ya'll didn't all KNOW that they'll make Robin play Maury again!

Oh Mallory, you need to switch shows NOW. Just think, you drop this bad habit, and your blood pressure goes down, you no longer need to replace your television...weekly, you rid yourself of the frown lines, and the hair you've been pulling out will grow back.

SAVE YOURSELF!!! May I suggest OLTL, it'll cure anything that ails you. It's what a soap should be, soapy.

(GH free for 79 days)

I have never wanted to run up and kick the shins of a random stranger more in my LIFE.

Guza obviuously has pictures of someone having sex with a goat. That is the only reason he still has a job.

all us bloggers really need to rally around Serial Drama and give her a big internet hug for enduring what we ourselves will not. Actually sitting through an entire GH episode and actually paying attention to write reviews.

As for Guza - I say we all quit talking about him period. Perhaps the ole' saying is right - even bad press is good press. If we can all just leave the dumbass alone - maybe the novelty of his stupidity will wear off on TPB at ABC and they'll dump him???

In reading this, I just sit with my mouth hanging open, wondering what the? Carly has had some awesome scenes in regards to Michael, I felt her pain as a mother. That being said, what mother in trying to keep her kids safe, would trade one mobster for another. I've always thought they should explore a Carly/Jason storyline, but not now. This is not the time, just doesn't make sense and undoes all the good that Carly has tried to become. If they truly go thru with this storyline, I'm done. Right now, Maxie and Spinelli are the only ones worth watching.

For the sake of your health...forget GH and tune into One Life to Life.

I second this.

I took "General Mobspittle" off my DVR schedule over a month ago, replaced it with "One Life To Live" and returned to Llanview; where shrews are shrews and not Mary Sues, where career criminals are the bad guys and cops are smart and actually portrayed as heroes, where vets are not kept locked in closets only to be set free for comic relief (cue Benny Hill music), as funeral extras, or to prop "good" mobsters, and where the same three characters are not in every single fucking recycled s/l and in my face and reciting (or blinking, shrieking, or mumbling) the same tired old lines every single fucking day.

It's been such a relief and great for my blood pressure. I no longer want to throw barware and scream, "you lying, betraying whore!" at my television 5 days a week.

I do miss seeing the uber-talented and glorious Nancy Lee Grahan and the sweet and oh so pretty Greg Vaughan on my screen, but that's all I miss.

Bob Guza is a mob-obsessed, death-obsessed, mentally ill, misogynistic, creatively bankrupt, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing hack who writes the same shit month after month, year after year, and who has driven this once preeminent soap into the ground.

I will only return to Port Chuck once Guza, Frons and Phelps have all been fired. The Disney board will only get their heads out and save "General Hospital" from the Regime of Terror if the ratings continue to plummet.

So we all need to do our parts, for "GH," and for our own mental and physical well-being, and stop watching Guza's horrific dreck.

After all, we do only have "One Life To Live" and life is too short to be tortured by a soap opera, even one with the magnificent NLG.

not only is it a repeat of the tony/jason/aj baby story its aslo a rip of the jason/sonny/sam/jax thing where sam had a wtd thing and jason pretended it was his even though he didnt sleep with her at that point

This is an even further spoiler, so if you don't want to know, don't read this:

I don't know if this will make it better or anything, but rumor has it that Carly will find out she's wrong about being pregnant after she asks Jason to pose as her baby daddy and he rejects the eff out of her. At least, I think I read that over at GHH.

Maybe it makes it a little better? See Carly prove how much she hasn't grown as a person in, like, 10 years and be taken down a few notches as well?

All I can say is "Bravo!!" My head nearly exploded when I read that article for all of the reasons you mentioned.

I want Jax freed from this ridiculous banshee more than I can possibly express in words and I want GH freed from Guza's Reign of Terror more than I possibly express in words.

Well, even if you hadn't already said everything I was thinking about this... I wouldn't know what to say. There really aren't any words.

But honestly, I couldn't be more enraged than I already am about Jerxis getting it on. Not only did they sleep together mere moments after Jerry reminded her that he had poisoned her nephew and shot Robin, etc., etc., but then when Nik confronted Alexis about it the next day, what was her excuse? She hadn't gotten any in a while?!?!?!?! What the fucking fuck!!!! Seriously???? For god's sake, a person watching this show would think that it's women, not men, thinking with their privates!

Witness Kate, who somehow finds it erotic when Sonny BULLIES and BEATS UP a harmless, sweet, nerdy, barely-adult Spinelli. Why, she just has to "have sex" with him on her desk after a manly display like that. And I have to say "have sex" with the quote marks like that, because although we all saw them in a not-hot-on-any-planet kiss, apparently the other characters saw them doing the deed. This is the stupidest g-damn show in the history of daytime. Including Days when Marlena was possessed. If they're going to continue to write such unbearably shitty fucking shit, they need to quit writing scenes with Mac and Robin and Patrick, because those few scenes with genuine caring and outstanding acting just highlight how _____ (I can't even think of an adjective to say how much it sucks) the rest of the show is.

What dreck. Glad I gave up this damned show. I am too watching OLTL now and loving it.

When Carly was pregnant with Jax's baby, I was starting to like where that story was leading. I wanted to see her grow up and mature after Michael's shooting. In the few scenes where she began taking responsibility for all of her mistakes, and the gems where she hated on Sonny and swore him off for good...is now going to be wiped away with her taking another downward spiral into the old self centered Carly?

Does....not ....compute.

I suppose it's best that Jax is freed from her insanity, and her two greatest loves...Jason and Sonny. What will Guza show us next? Jason, Sonny, and Carly living together in a poly marriage? I mean, he seems to be living out his personal fantasies about women through all of these trashy and ridiculous stories he concocts.

Maybe Kate and Jax could be thrown together and have a real...soapy romance.

I have been watching GH for longer than you commentators have been on the planet (I swear, I'm not really THAT old - I just started watching when I was 11!), back in the hey-day of Robert/Anna/Luke/Laura/Tiffany - it's like heroin. I always needed my daily fix!

But Guza is making the high less and less - and LESS - enjoyable. Lulu alone makes me wants to hurl my coffee cup at the screen. WTF happened to her?? I wrote a piece on that very issue for BradfordAnderson.net (yes, I like Spinelli - sorry! LOL!) The MOB is grating, infuriating and Sonny actually makes my flesh crawl right off and into the nearest closet every time he appears on screen. He's SEXY? He's greasy, slimy, can't form a sentence without stumbling over every word and acts like the world revolves around him (which, according to Guza, it DOES!)

Maxie, Alexis and Diane are about the only enjoyable characters left, and even Alexis has been thrust into the "I'm going to screw yet another bad boy" storyline. I love Luke and Tracy, but they are only on for eight seconds of the year, so what good does that do?

So I'm here to admit out loud - "My name is Rene' - I'm a GH-A-Holic. I have learned to accept the things I cannot change, and I'm considering - OF WATCHING OLTL!!!" I haven't watched that soap since 1978 with my mom. I remember Tina, Asa and Dorian. I have nothing else to go on, but dammit, I'm gonna try!!

Jonesing (not Felicia) and happy to be considering a healthier way of life....

guza doesn't write realistic storylines. take liz an jason for example they are both hot as hell and he has them practically selebate. no one is buying the fact that jason would do whatever carly asked at a drop of a hat but he wouldn't do what ever it take to be with his true family. they never show him trying to sneak and see his son unbeleivable. i believe that guza is a hater when it comes to liz and jason he doesn't want them to be the next hope and bo form days, luke and laura and even sonny and brenda, thats why he doesn't write any real lines for them. how stupid is he to try to pair liz with lucky again when he trated her like shit when they were married we didn't forget that guza. let lucky move on with sam and let jason be a father and lover preferably husband to jason. thats real not the bullshit you got going on write now. liz and jason can get through it everyone else has give it a chance because what your doing is just not realistic they want each other let them be together. no family on gh is perfect but they have to at least try. they are to hot to be sitting on the sidelines on gh. have some balls stop hatin and write a damn storyline worth watching for jason and liz, because no one is buying that jason wouldn't at least try to sneak a peak at his son at like daycare or something come on and yeah what is he never going to kiss or have sex with anyone you got to be shiting me. your lame and ur a hater let it happen already and stop stringing us all along. you already have people wanting to stop watching the show because of your bullshit writing.

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