General Hospital Week in Review
There was less stupidity last week than the couple of weeks before that. Don't get me wrong, there was still lots of stupidity. There was just . . . less. By a little bit. And there were a couple of good fights, which were awesome. People arguing dramatically about ridiculous situations that will never happen in my regular life is one of the main reasons I love soaps. Well, it's one of the main reasons I used to love soaps. I think the love is gone now, replaced by a kind of melancholy tolerance. But "We mock soaps out of melancholy tolerance. And hate. But mostly melancholy tolerance." is a really shitty slogan and wouldn't fit on our banner.
Aaanyway, GH had a week of episodes that I suppose must be reviewed.
Is there a carefully orchestrated campaign to wear me down and make me feel sorry for Spinelli? First, Sonny -- great man and father that he is -- beat up Spinelli, a dorky man-child about half Sonny's age, without provocation.
You stay classy, Sonny Corinthos. (I adored Maxie telling Sonny off afterwards. Get on your with tiny, bitchy, slightly squeaky self!)
Then, Spinelli was all devastated that didn't have sex with Maxie,
which was sad. So I did start to pity him a bit.
But then I saw his hair and I crept back into the familiar warm embrace of total annoyance.
People, that is INSANE.
But back in the land of sanity, I did like Mac being all parental.
Maxie's "I can sleep with whoever I want, I'm an adult!" routine might have been a wee bit more convincing if she didn't still have posters taped to her walls and her alleged paramour didn't look like a scared 16-year-old, but whatever, I will take Scorpio scenes however I can get them.
And I was surprised how much I liked Sam and Spinelli's scenes, until I remembered how much I like Kelly Monaco when Sam is out of her "I love the mob and also did you hear that I had a baby who died and that Jason betrayed me and Elizabeth is a bit fat lying liar" rut.
Sam as the knowledgeable mentor is kind of a bizarre angle, but I suppose as long as it's for something simple like getting Maxie's attention and not, say, learning how to ask obvious basic questions about your parentage, I can enjoy it.
Speaking of Sam's parents (well, parent, since apparently she was conceived asexually), y'all know I adore Nancy Lee Grahn. And when Alexis gets her protective mother groove on and tells off Sonny, it's like my birthday and Christmas wrapped up into one. So last week, when she went off about wanting him to sign over custody of Kristina and how he can't escape the violence, I did a little internal cheer.
What the hell did the glorious Ms. Grahn do the makeup department? They sent her out on camera without eye makeup, lipstick, or blush! When her character was not in a coma, in labor, or buried in the wreck of either a natural disaster or criminally sabotaged form of mass transportation! (The only circumstances in soapdom in which makeup-less-ness is allowed.)
First Dobson, then the chemo baldness, now this. Something is amiss.
Diane can give Cam a run for his money in the "Bitch, please" look department.
I love her disdain for Sonny. Her involvement as a supposedly upstanding lawyer in the transfer of illegal mob businesses was a bit of a head-scratcher, though I had always found her (and Alexis', for that matter) "oh, my virgin ears!" attitude when Jason and Sonny talked "business" to be ridiculous. You're a mob lawyer. Deal with it. Or just become the DA. Because that can totally happen.
In the last Week in Review, I was horrified by Kate's pink tweed suit, but little did I know that when we got a wide shot it would be even worse.
A reminder of what we had already seen:
It turns out that shell underneath [the atrocious plastic-bead trimmed grandma salmon-pink tweed blazer] is ANIMAL PRINT:
But wait, there's more! The skirt has a PLEATED WAIST:
And she's wearing a fake pearl bracelet! Holy hell, that outfit is all three generations of the Bush women's worst fashion faux pas in one. (Barbara, Laura, and whichever of the twins is the one with the wild streak -- because even though they look nothing alike I can never remember which is which.)
And then this blue thing.
It's like a bad Diane Von Furstenberg knockoff, except . . . marsupial.
Megan Ward is gorgeous, tall, and probably 120 pounds. If you dress her in a way that makes her look chunky, you need to find a different line of work. Maybe you could get on the writing team? I don't think experience is a prerequisite. In fact, it might be a disqualifier. And plus, since you've already effed up something in a way that makes it seem as though you actually went out of your way to eff it up as badly as possible, you will feel totally at home with that crew.
Always happy to help,
I realize that Greg Vaughn and Rebecca Herbst are genetically capable of being together in a scene and having it be anything less than filled with prettiness, but man, you add those two adorable boys to the mix and my TV screen almost exploded into a flurry of animated hearts and smiley faces.
So cute! I mean, I don't really want Lucky and Elizabeth back together, because I can't imagine what additional soapiness could be mined from that relationship, but still . . . gorgeous like whoa.
On a similar note, finally Lucky and Sam had a couple of scenes together and -- glory be! -- Kelly Monaco has gotten rid of those awful highlights and is back to her normal, beautiful, brunette-that-occurs-in-nature-haired self.
Those two are a screen full of sexy. So of course we won't see them until July.
Last week we were spared much more of the dumbass blog war, so Patrick was able to do lots of stuff hotly.
He was hotly flirtatious. (I know this is a weak way to lead off, but I really needed to post this screencap -- because hello, so hot -- but I couldn't remember what they were actually doing in this frame. These two are pretty much always flirtatious, so that's what you got. Anyway, moving on . . .)
And hotly ate ice cream.
And was hotly perplexed by the baby's first kick.
Then hotly delighted to feel it.
Plus, Robin had a conversation with Mac! About her pregnancy!
Since her father is invisible, I'll take this for now.
Just as Patrick does virtually everything hotly, Lulu does everything smugly.
She smugly types on her laptop, smugly rides the elevator, smugly brushes her teeth.
What are they doing with this character? I am
actively rooting for Maxie's plan to break up Lulu and Johnny to work!
Shouldn't we as viewers be even a little bit torn when the "bad" girl is pitted against the "good" girl? Better yet, shouldn't we be able to tell who is which?
You know I said earlier I love a good soap fight? I so do. And do you know who -- to paraphrase Madonna in "Vogue," because I'm way current like that -- gives good fight? Laura Wright and Ingo Rademacher. Awesome Writer had Carly and Jax fighting for much of the week, and it was, appropriately, awesome.
Carly: I know you were hurt when I agreed to ride with Sonny back from Manhattan [Is that what the kids are calling it these days? -Ed.] after we dropped off Michael. And I know that you were upset when you woke up and I was gone, but I didn't go see Sonny, okay?
Jax: Doesn't matter if you went to see Sonny, or Jason, or went to Jake's for a beer. You left me. I'm your husband and I'm starting to feel like an outsider in this marriage. [Starting to?! - Ed.]
Carly: You just don't understand what it's like for me, Jax.
Jax: What I don't understand is why you won't let me in. Why won't you let me in?
Carly: I'm sorry that I'm not dealing with my comatose son in a way that's comfortable for you.
Jax: You know, I'm trying to help. I've let you unload on me. I've respected the fact that Jason's been a part of Michael's life since he was a baby, that Sonny's his father, that the three of you have this special bond that pulls you together.
Carly: Nothing is pulling me to Sonny. [I will not make the obvious "Corinthos wang" joke here. -Ed.] Nothing.
Jax: I'm starting to feel like the concerned neighbor. You know the one that's trying to help by baking a casserole or something?
Carly: ::eyeroll:: [Aw, I bet that was in honor of her dearly departed best friend Courtney. - Ed.]
Jax: When you came back from Manhattan, when we made love, I thought great, you know, she's needs me. Even if it's just a little bit. And then I wake up and you're gone. No explanation. You just couldn't wait to get out of there fast enough.
Carly: That's not true. That is so not true.
Jax: No. Of course, you were grieving. You probably needed someone to confide in. Somebody else -- because it's never me. I just don't want to be your afterthought, Carly. I think we both deserve better than that.
You go, Jasper! However, Ingo, the mustache? I do not approve.
Please continue with the verbal ass-kicking.
Carly: Right now, I feel like Jason is the only person on earth who supports me and who understands me and gives a damn about how I feel --
Jax: Jason is in the same business as Sonny! I mean, the violence that you're trying to protect Morgan from, it follows Jason around as well. So when are you going to cut your ties from him, huh? When are you going to make that clean break?
Carly: I will never end my relationship with Jason.
Jax: Despite the violence.
Carly: Despite anything.
Jax: That's, that's really mature of you Carly. I'm your husband. I'm the one that you're supposed to be sharing your life with.
Carly: Yeah, and you just stood there and admitted that you were talking about me to Kate. How do you think that makes me feel?
Jax: Are you, are you jealous of Kate, is that what this is about?
Carly: Kate is selfish. She took my kid to a warehouse, Jax.
Jax: And she is involved with Sonny. I suppose that upsets you even more than the fact that her and I are business partners, right?
Carly: I don't give a damn that they're together.
Jax: Well I'd love to believe that. But you and Sonny, you always find a way back to each other. And maybe it's the history you share. Or maybe it's the way you uh -- maybe it's the unique way you guys push each other's buttons.
Carly: What the hell are you trying to say?
Jax: Are you hiding something from me?
Carly: ::shakes head:: [You sit on a throne of lies! - Ed.] I'm on edge, Jax. I have been on one long, emotional roller coaster starting with getting pregnant and losing the baby, Michael getting shot now he's in a coma. He's in a facility with beautiful blue walls that he can't even see.
Jax: I know. You're grieving. We all are. But that doesn't give you a reason to take it out on Kate.
Carly: I don't want her near you. Rationalize that all you want, but that's how I feel.
Much as I hate to admit it, Carly does have reason to be jealous of Kate, given the kiss that Carly doesn't yet know about. And then Kate had to go and make things worse by getting in on the big argument as well. She seriously needs to butt the hell out of the Carly/Sonny/Morgan issue, but, as ever, Carly needs to shut up and then shut up some more.
Kate: Sonny and Morgan have both lost Michael. They need each other right now, and I'm just, I'm respectfully asking that you reconsider your decision to separate them.
Carly: You know, if you had any respect for me at all, you wouldn't be here. So pay close attention. If Morgan is near Sonny, it could cost Morgan his life. This is the only way to keep him safe.
Kate: Why can't you see that there are other ways to keep Morgan safe?
Carly: You know, I know you're with Sonny, and I'm sure he's more acceptable now, in your circle of friends because he's out of the organization, but my kids aren't part of the bargain, Kate.
Kate: I'm not trying to bargain with you.
Carly: I can't stand the sight of you. Is that clear enough? My son's in a coma because you, on your own, came into my house and took him somewhere without my permission.
Kate: [MW did an awesome job of looking like she'd just been punched in the stomach here. - Ed.] I'm gonna go now.
Carly: Yeah, you do that. And don't come back.
Jax: That was uncalled for.
Carly: Well, by all means go after her. But if you do, don't come back.
Remember the good old days (six weeks ago) when Carly was blaming herself for Michael's shooting? Fun times.
I could ruin my Awesome Fight buzz by pointing out that despite all the truth-telling about Carly's Carly-ness, this week Jax said he wants them to stay together forever, but I won't. (I think Awesome Writer took a lunch break and the same writer who keeps having characters talk about Carly's great instincts slipped in a page or two. Bastard.)
Fun pop quiz! The main romantic lead on this show:
a) kills people for money
b) is brain damaged
c) rarely changes clothes
d) keeps a box of photos of other people's babies
e) has chosen being a hitman over being with several awesome, smart, beautiful women (and Courtney)
f) is an arsonist
e) all of the above
I think you know the answer. I'm really looking forward to Jason rounding out his criminal résumé. Murder, racketeering, arson . . . he's going to have to start moving his way down the ladder if he wants to keep diversifying his illegal pursuits. Imagine the storyline possibilities -- Jason the [newly promoted yet inexplicably still doing his own dirty work] mob boss steals a Snickers from Walgreens! Jason trespasses after sunset in the dangerous ass park!
The only thing that lets me have any optimism about this show is that sometime soon we'll have a few weeks during which there will have to be some consistently decent writing, big events, and a focus on relationship -- a sweeps period! Occasionally GH does those well. I'm really looking forward to that happening and -
Damn, this show sucks.
Screencaps courtesy of LaurieLuvsLiason.