Serial Drama

Say What You Will About Him (Cursing Allowed!), the Man Is Consistent

On days like these I need to rely on Friends quotes.  General Hospital, "today, it's like there's rock bottom, then fifty feet of crap, then" you.

Kate: Did Giselle say something to upset you?
Sonny:  She could...Look, she couldn't if she tried.  I don't give a damn about that bitch.  The reason I excused myself is that I didn't want to bang her head against the table there.  You know, 'cause I don't think that's a good thing.

...and the previously empowered, in-possession-of-a-spine Kate Howard not only didn't say anything, she SMILED and then THANKED Sonny for noticing what a bitch Giselle was and then SWEETLY KISSED him goodbye before heading back to the party.  Is everything short of "lying whore" fair game now? 

I hate this show more than these writers hate women.  Yes, seriously.  That much.

Countdown to the Emmys: Day 4

The Daytime Emmys are fast approaching and tonight, we take a look at the nominees for Outstanding Supporting Actress. After the jump, their submitted reels and your chance to pick who deserves to win and who you think the voters will award.

In case you missed your chance to play Emmy voter for the other categories, take a look at days 1, 2 and 3 of our countdown. It's all the fun of getting to choose your favorite without the debilitating chemical dependency and lack of taste that goes with being one of the official voters.

The Best Hair in Daytime?

Last week, the Academy handed out the Creative Arts & Entertainment Daytime Emmy Awards.  I know, I know -- you were thinking there were no awards less relevant than the regular Daytime Emmys!  But there so, so are.

For example, Days of Our Lives won for Outstanding Achievement in Hairstyling.  Yes, the Days of Our Lives that you and I, viewers who possess the power of sight and at least marginally good taste, watch.  I'm not saying there aren't great hairstyles on this show; there totally are.  But this is the best hair in soaps?

O...kay.  General Hospital is totally winning for best show, you guys.

Most screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.

Countdown to the Emmys: Day 3

Our Emmy countdown continues and today we take a look at the gentlemen nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actor.  After the jump: their Emmy reels and your chance to pick who you think should win, and who you think will go home with the title.

Countdown to the Emmys: Day 2

We continue to look at the Emmy nominees with our ever-judgey eyes and turn to Younger Actress, also known as the WTFiest category to ever WTF. We know that's not the most eloquent statement we've ever made, but...seriously.

After the jump: watch their Emmy reels and let us know which of these illustrious ladies should win, and who you think will go home with the Emmy.

Countdown to the Emmys: Day 1

It's the most wonderful time of the year! A week from today is the endlessly awesome event known as the Daytime Emmy Awards. Our Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza will start with the red carpet arrivals at 7 and go on through the ceremony, which airs live at 8pm on ABC, hosted by The View's Sheri Shepherd and Pine Valley's own Cameron Mathison.

To kickoff Emmy week, we're going to do what we do best: judge others and ask you, dear readers, to do the same. This week, we're posting clips of the Emmy nominees and asking who you think will win, and who you think should win. It's fun for the whole family!

We're going to start by turning our attention to the Younger Actor category, a category that has always confused us. Younger than who, exactly? John Ingle? We don't understand. 

Darin Brooks as Max Brady, Days of Our Lives

He's very charming and likable, but...isn't this kind of a weird episode to submit? It barely even registered that Max was even in any of the scenes.  This is likely the only Emmy reel in history that starts with the phrase "Virgin sex on the beach" and includes the old tie-a-cherry-stem-with-your-tongue trick, so that's something.

Oh, but Cher Horowitz says lose the chin pubes.

Van Hansis as Luke Snyder, As The World Turns

It's the famous "Nuke" we've been hearing and reading so much about!  This was a great reel for Hansis; emotional without being over the top, soapy without being cheesy. 

Just think, the GH writers could have done a similar story with Lucas.  You know, if they didn't suck.

Most notably, Hansis is the only nominate in this category without a serious hair (head or facial) don't, on which basis alone he should walk away with the statue.  Don't you wish we decided all the winners?

Bryton McClure as Devon Hamilton, The Young and the Restless

Mallory wants to point out that this makes up about 98% of Bryton's screentime this year.  Becca would like to note that she was unable to pay any attention to McClure's performance because of his troubling embracing of the chin-only facial hair trend.  And also because he started it off by carrying a hardsided briefcase.  Which no one under the age of 60 has done in at least a decade.  And this is the Allegedly Younger Actor category, so that was especially confusing!

Tom Pelphrey as Jonathan Randall, Guiding Light

If more than seven people watched Guiding Light, we could inquire about those rumors that Pelphrey can sometimes lean towards the scenery-chewing side of intense.  As GL viewership is going nowhere but down, we are forced to just appreciate the watchable intensity of these scenes and also implore this particular younger actor to step away from the Gold's Gym ponytail.

Jesse Lee Soffer as Will Munson, As The World Turns

Dude:  The hair.  Unacceptable.  Were you trying to make your scene partner feel better about her hair?  Because that's not possible.  Also, we don't want her to feel good about that hair.  False coif confidence is dangerous; it's probably what got her into this 80s-mall-'do situation to begin with.

Oh, the performance?  Good.  Particularly given the spectacularly unsoapy topic of . . . savings bonds.  Seriously, CBS?  This might be why 17 people combined watch GL and ATWT.

more at twiigs.com...

more at twiigs.com...

Darling Nikki

Okay, which is sadder? The fact that Nikki decided to Google Internet Search the history of David Chow, or the fact that this Googling Internet Searching was undoubtedly the most entertaining thing to happen on the show all week?

I know, Nikki, it's a tough question. I don't know, either.

Please note that I see nothing wrong with Nikki doing an internet search to find details on her increasingly shady husband. I think it's common sense to see if there's any obvious dirt floating around the internet about your paramour. My issue with Nikki is that she waited until AFTER she married this man who, occasionally, looks like a one man sleaze factory* WITHOUT a prenup. Hello! This is the type of thing you do on the first date!

But seriously, I'm trying to figure out if this

is actually hilarious, or if it's just awesome in comparison to the rest of the show. It may be a sign of the sad times we're in right now, but I keep giggling at "DAVID CHOW" + MURDER.

Ugh, the rest of the show, though? Why is it that Y&R is in an endless cycle of Boring-->Boring-->FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY MAKE IT STOP-->Boring-->Boring? I just don't care about anything on this show right now. The never ending Gloria story with hilarious, sitcommy hijinx? Don't care. Victoria hating Victor and Sabrina? Join the club, kid. Katy Perry dropping by? She seemed nearly as bored as I was watching her. Chloe trying to get with Cane? There's not enough yawn in the world. For heaven's sake, the Restless Style storyline has made me so bored that I don't pay attention when Jack is on screen. JACK! These are dire straits, my friends.

*I never found Vincent Irizarry so sleazy when he played David Hayward, but here he's about as smarmy as he was in the classic TV movie Lying Eyes. It's impressive that he's able to sleaze and de-sleaze at will.

Serenity Now

It's really weird that when the soon to be departed Leven Rambin started to play a dual role, it was all over the soap mags, but when Thorsten Kaye took on the role of Zach's nefarious twin, there was nary a press release about it.

...what? Oh, this isn't an evil double? That was supposed to be Zach acting like a total dickwad yesterday? Really? Oh.

I know that this may sound crazy, but you know how sometimes you'll be watching a show, and a character will say or do something and you'll remark to yourself (or the room at large, depending on how vociferously you disagree with what they have just said or done), "[Insert name here] would NEVER do that" with a great amount of conviction, as if they are not only not fictional, but like you also know them well enough to determine how they would or would not act? Am I the only person who does that? I swear I'm not crazy...

The thing is: I have watched Zach Slater do his thing for four years and have realized that there are certain things Zach Slater would never say or do, no matter what (or who!) Kendall does, or who he spends time trapped in an underground bomb shelter with and this is one of them:

Zach: But you like to test me, don't you? Like to push me away to make sure that I come back. Why do you do that? You know what scares me, Kendall Hart Slater? One day, you're going to push me too far. And I'm not coming back.

Granted, this is slightly better than the time another of Kendall's lovers told her she'd push someone too far one day, because this threat didn't end with imagery of her being choked to death, but still: hell fucking no.

I just...I can't believe that Zach Slater would say something like that to Kendall, who he loves wholeheartedly and unreservedly, even taking into account the fact that paralyzing insecurity is her dominant character trait. Not to mention, Kendall has already lived through a time where she didn't feel comfortable with Greenlee's relationship with her significant other and hello, that time ended when Greenlee relentlessly pursued and then married Ryan. He saw how fucked up the entire Ryan/Greenlee/Kendall triangle was! He repeatedly called Greenlee out on being a complete toxic lunatic! But because they spent some time underground in a hole, it invalidates every instance of bad behavior Greenlee has ever exhibited and he like "How dare you voice any sort of complaint against Greenlee, The Fairest Maiden to Ever...Be Fair"? If I'm stuck in an underground bunker with Spencer Pratt, am I going to come out saying "Lauren sucks! Buy Heidi's CD! Speidi's love is for real!!!" As if.

I refuse to acknowledge that this man is Zach Slater. Until he starts acting remotely Zachish, he will be known as...AC Morris.

Our Column in the 6/17 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

Be sure to pick up a copy of the June 17th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today. In this month's My Take/My Take, Too, Becca and Mallory take on the Daytime Emmy award nominations and share their thoughts on the biggest snubs, the most outrageous nods and their fervent hope for red carpet awesomeness. This marks the offical start of our second annual Serial Drama Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza, so make sure to stop by over the coming days for Emmy posts, polls and predictions leading up to the show on Friday, June 20th.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

...

I...

...

...just.

...ew.

I was trying to think of a way to best describe my continued horror at the Victor/Sabrina coupling because, "ew....ewewewewEW", while apt, isn't the most eloquent way to express my revulsion and I don't exactly know how to convey dry heaving through typing.

The best I can do is admit, without hesitation, that I'd rather watch an endless loop of John and Marlena makeout scenes whilst eating Dale Talde's butterscotch scallops than have to sit through the awkward grossness of Victor and Sabrina being lovey dovey. That may seem like a disproportionate response, but it's the truth!

It's bad enough that they paired a senior citizen with a possible transvestite young enough to be his daughter, but...who on earth is writing this dialogue? It reminds me of what a sixth grader would write in her Harry Potter fanfic, except it's more cloying and unlike anything human beings would ever say.

Victor: Yeah? You know that every time I drive home, I think of your beautiful face. I think of how lucky I am to have found you, and that you make me feel more alive than I have in a long time.

Sabrina: Your Marinara Sauce was the best sauce in the world.

Victor: Are you serious?

Sabrina: Mm-hmm.

Victor: Was there too much basil or oregano? Whatever the hell you call it.

Sabrina: There was too much of both, but no, I'm joking. I loved it. It was perfect.  [What the hell? Victor is so omnipotent that not even his FICTIONAL MARINARA SAUCE is anything but perfect?--Ed.]

Victor: I'm sure there was too much of both. You know what I love the most?

Sabrina: What?

Victor: That you and I can have fun together.

Sabrina: Yes.

Victor: It's so easy to have fun with you.

Victor: Mm. So glad you're back.

Sabrina: Oh, me, too. Mm. [Note: they have this exact conversation whenever they enter the same room or realize that they haven't said hello and made out in six minutes--Ed.]

Victor: But you tried to mend fences... and that's a wonderful thing.

Sabrina: Mm.

Victor: You know who taught me that? You. [Bullfuckingshit. He's like 90 and a professional dick. I'm sure he's learned about fence mending, or at least pretending to mend fences, at some point in time before this--Ed.]

And the constant kissing! What IS this? It's so over the top that, on an actual soap with good writing and sense of storytelling, it would mean that they are both overcompensating and trying to convince themselves that this relationship is totally worth hurting their friends and family. But Y&R hasn't seen good writing and a sense of storytelling for a few years now, so that's obviously not the case.

The only way this story would even be partially redeemed would be if it turned out that Sabrina was completely playing Victor but since I've seen this show before, I know that story will never happen, because nothing happens on Y&R unless it involves giving Victor a tongue bath. I'm pretty sure Eric Braeden would storm off set if it turned out that Victor liked Sabrina more than she cared for him, so a story about Victor full on getting snowed isn't going to happen.