The Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza
Becca (8:00:35 PM): Oh no, they're opening with a sketch. This is going nowhere good.
Mallory (8:00:46 PM): A sketch! Oh, Cameron Mathison! If only he didn't play daytime's most odious character
Mallory (8:01:21 PM): Did she just sniff Thorsten Kaye? Do you know how many people would pay for that honor?
Becca (8:03:17 PM): Is that a laugh track? Live people aren't actually finding this amusing, right?
Mallory (8:03:52 PM): Maybe they took a cue from Bryan Dattilo and got a little sloshed
Becca (8:04:14 PM): He is a smart man.
Becca (8:05:41 PM): I missed them! Did Ellen dress like Col. Sanders again this year? Because that was fun.
Becca (8:05:55 PM): Oh no, this year she's Zorro.
Mallory (8:06:44 PM): I am already sick of Ricky Paull Goldin and Beth Ehlers and she hasn't even started airing yet
Becca (8:07:13 PM): Why? It's not like ABC has been pimping her out like she's a streetwalker tonight, or anything.
Becca (8:08:19 PM): Laura Wright looks spectacular.
Mallory (8:08:22 PM): Laura Wright looks fab
Mallory (8:09:45 PM): I'm really glad that we didn't get to see him during the pre-show! Seeing Jordan Pruitt was way more important than being able to mock his shiny suit an hour ago
Becca (8:10:14 PM): Right. That Frons guy sure is smart.
Becca (8:10:19 PM): Gina Tognoni wins!
Becca (8:11:13 PM): Why did she have to thank God first? I hate that.
Becca (8:11:43 PM): I think Heather Tom must be thanking God they panned away from her so fast.
Mallory (8:11:47 PM): It always makes me uncomfortable when they do that
Becca (8:12:50 PM): I want to hear one of the losers in the post-interview be like "I totally would have won, if only God hadn't been in such a pissy mood."
Mallory (8:13:30 PM): Right? "Whatever, this was rigged! I'm still being punished for stealing gum when I was six!"
Mallory (8:16:45 PM): Really, what is with these pretty people and the old lady hair? Marcy Rylan is sixty years too young and way too adorable to have that hairdo
Becca (8:17:27 PM): I am on board with about 3% of hairstyle trends right now.
Becca (8:18:01 PM): Nooooooo
Becca (8:18:14 PM): Tyra Banks did not just win an Emmy! She's going to be unbearable!
Becca (8:18:38 PM): That dress looks like two funnels are holding up her boobs.
Mallory (8:18:41 PM): I am so afraid of the world right now. The woman didn't need another stroke for her ego
Mallory (8:19:51 PM): Oh, man, earnest Tyra is worse than any other kind of Tyra
Mallory (8:20:12 PM): ...did I just hallucinate that entire acceptance speech?
Becca (8:20:28 PM): I'm going to say yes, because that makes it less likely I sat through it.
Mallory (8:21:01 PM): There's no more hole in the ozone layer! Thanks, One Life to Live!
Becca (8:21:35 PM): These best show clips of OLTL are really powerful. I think they cleared up that vertigo I got earlier.
Mallory (8:22:33 PM): Oh, man, the prom musical. I don't know if it's the best or the worst thing to ever happen to television as a medium
Becca (8:23:08 PM): I still am unconvinced that wasn't an SNL skit.
Mallory (8:24:31 PM): I admire the corporate synergy of ripping off High School Musical
Becca (8:25:54 PM): They did keep it in the Disney family, which was nice.
Becca (8:26:09 PM): When you think about it, a musical prom episode is really much more up NBC daytime's alley.
Becca (8:26:22 PM): So thank you, Days, for even at your suckiest not subjecting me to that.
Mallory (8:27:21 PM): I really do appreciate Ken Corday's restraint in not doing that, or copying it once OLTL did it. It was quite kind of him
Becca (8:28:05 PM): Except now he has the idea, and the same head writer at the helm...If they had any teenagers on that show, we'd be screwed.
Becca (8:28:30 PM): Why is Sherri Shepherd screaming? Does she know how a microphone works?
Mallory (8:30:17 PM): Melody Thomas Scott looks like...a Barbie doll
Becca (8:30:24 PM): ...from the 1940s.
Mallory (8:30:49 PM): And the Gold's Gym ponytail wins an Emmy!
Becca (8:30:55 PM): Van Hansis and Heather Tom should get together and compare bitchface notes.
Mallory (8:31:18 PM): Seriously, I want to crib off of Van Hansis's bitchface notes because that was kind of awesome
Becca (8:31:22 PM): This Tom kid is way hot with the haircut!
Becca (8:31:53 PM): James Scott and Peter Bergman are going to be so jealous.
Mallory (8:32:17 PM): They know where they stand with me! They could up their chances if they'd return my calls.
Mallory (8:34:58 PM): Or at least wear a pretty dress!
Mallory (8:36:02 PM): I am kind of sad that they are not showing clips for the actors. The hysterical, overwrought clips were one of my favorite parts of shows from years past, especially when you can take them completely out of context
Mallory (8:36:18 PM): I guess ABC is pressed for time, what with the pimping of their entire lineup and the creepy Regis focus
Becca (8:38:29 PM): And people really want to get through this stupid ceremony so they can watch the premiere of that canceled Canadian soap!
Becca (8:38:48 PM): Uh, there's a random bald dude in your shot, Mathison.
Mallory (8:39:27 PM): When I was in fifth grade, my school put on a musical extravaganza called The Multi Cultural Megashow. It was far, far better produced than anything we've seen tonight
Becca (8:39:55 PM): Montel says daytime is making meaningful differences in the lives of young people. He means daytime excluding soaps, right?
Mallory (8:40:48 PM): He must. Unless he means that young people have now learned that it's wrong to trust cops and that hired killers are good romantic partners
Becca (8:41:06 PM): BTW, in the quick shots they did when they inexplicably didn't show clips, Rachel Melvin's hair kind of scared me. Did I miss earlier that her hair is a mess?
Mallory (8:41:14 PM): As we know, I don't watch As the World Turns, but whenever I see these two, I just want to shout "NUUUUUUUUUUUUUKE"
Mallory (8:41:51 PM): But it's just such a good couple mashup name, and you know how much I normally hate those
Becca (8:42:14 PM): It really is. It's too bad they're not on a soap that anyone we know has ever watched.
Mallory (8:42:36 PM): Well, my grandma watches it. Did you mean people we know under the age of 70?
Becca (8:42:47 PM): Yes. And people who watch it on purpose.
Becca (8:42:55 PM): Ellen wins again!
Mallory (8:43:14 PM): I'd love Portia de Rossi for life because she played Lindsay Bluth, but she makes it so easy what with her great fashion sense and her unending coolness
Becca (8:43:20 PM): Ellen, sweetie, we have to talk about the ensemble. Portia, why do you keep letting her do this?
Becca (8:43:28 PM): Why am I talking directly to these people I don't know?
Mallory (8:43:53 PM): Because you're a Crazy? In the best possible way, I mean
Becca (8:44:33 PM): It's not even in the best possible way, sadly. "It's the longest day of the year, I just read, so I can go on." I adore Ellen.
Becca (8:44:48 PM): And she referred to Portia by her first and last name, which is so Elizabeth Dole of her.
Becca (8:45:18 PM): There's a 10-year-old reference for all you hipsters out there. I'm way topical.
Mallory (8:45:55 PM): It always makes me laugh that Portia's real name is Amanda Lee Rogers.
Becca (8:48:54 PM): Could they be the castmembers of MVP? Oooh, or the writing staff of GH? There are lots of ABC-related targets I could totally get on board with.
Mallory (8:49:53 PM): It would be more like a public service than a felony when you look at it that way
Becca (8:50:35 PM): OLTL wins for best directing!
Mallory (8:50:57 PM): I haven't really heard much about OLTL--is it supposed to be good?
Becca (8:51:15 PM): We don't have any readers who are fans, so I don't know.
Becca (8:53:36 PM): Is your sound all warped too? Honest to god, did ABC spend even five dollars on the production tonight?
Mallory (8:53:53 PM): You think it was five whole dollars?
Becca (8:54:04 PM): Good call.
Becca (8:54:09 PM): Heather Tom changed gowns? Diva!
Becca (8:55:09 PM): You people in the business are so sophisticated! Jack Wagner's hair and suit are horrible, but I will forgive him if he brought Heather Locklear tonight.
Mallory (8:55:36 PM): Legal/Courtroom shows have their own category? Did they always? I find this troubling
Becca (8:55:47 PM): I hate that there are enough of them to have their own category.
Becca (8:56:01 PM): They announced it was a new category when you were waxing poetic about Jack Wagner.
Becca (8:56:14 PM): Slacker. Do try to pay attention. This is a highly professional operation!
Mallory (8:56:43 PM): I was trying to open a bag of Twizzlers as I described the brilliance of Jack Wagner, so I couldn't hear. It didn't work out well...
Mallory (8:57:12 PM): So pretty much anyone can get their own TV show, huh?
Becca (8:57:23 PM): We need to look into that. I am totally capable of telling people, forcefully, to kiss my fat ass.
Mallory (8:57:59 PM): Why is Tyra presenting the lead actress award? Was there no one soap related who was available? Like...anyone else in that theater?
Becca (8:58:58 PM): I like that Oscar tradition where the winner from the opposite sex the previous year presents. What's wrong with that? Oh, ABC would have had to have allowed Genie Francis on our TV screens. Can't have that.
Mallory (9:00:34 PM): They probably have snipers around her house to make sure that she's not even watching the show
Mallory (9:01:59 PM): The K-Mart style lounge skeeves me out something fierce
Becca (9:02:55 PM): So it wasn't just Lisa Rinna that was the problem last year?
Mallory (9:03:03 PM): Surprisingly, no...
Becca (9:03:31 PM): The Days ladies look good, though Ariane Zucker's dress could do with a little less tulle. The world could do with a little less tulle, actually.
Mallory (9:04:38 PM): Need I remind the world AGAIN that his best scene this year was about coffee pot etiquette?!
Becca (9:05:10 PM): I think you need to remind some people. That was kind of shitty of him, to point out that Rick Hearst wasn't nominated.
Becca (9:05:25 PM): And now he insulted the "kid" Emmys. WTF, dude?
Mallory (9:05:32 PM): I think they are friends, though. I swear I read it somewhere, but maybe it's fanfic that I just made up...
Mallory (9:05:46 PM): His daughter's adorable, though. He should get an Adorable Daughter Award, not an Emmy
Becca (9:08:48 PM): I heard that too! And that One Life to Live's writing rescued a little girl from a well.
Becca (9:12:11 PM): Ugh, seriously. "It's the twist you never expected"? About the who's-the-daddy re-do? Were you not watching the show ten years ago, promo guy?
Mallory (9:12:49 PM): He must be a GH newbie. He probably also thinks Sonny is a good man
Becca (9:13:49 PM): Ha, do you think that actor dude realizes that comparing Y&R to death and taxes isn't entirely positive?
Mallory (9:14:07 PM): Weird, the Clear Springs disaster looks even cheesier than I had remembered it.
Mallory (9:14:18 PM): I need Dru to come back, too, Neil! We owe Victoria Rowell like whoa
Becca (9:14:46 PM): Seriously, we need to start one of those crazy fan campaigns or something.
Becca (9:14:53 PM): We can send the studio tons of crazy hats!
Mallory (9:15:12 PM): Note to self: purchase dozens of crazy hats
Becca (9:15:57 PM): I like that the Emmys, in splitting the categories into informative and entertainment talk shows, have at least acknowledged that Tyra is not entertaining. Maybe they did it specifically for that reason.
Mallory (9:16:34 PM): But now she has it in her head that she's informative and an educator, which is just plain dangerous
Mallory (9:17:10 PM): I can't even choose! They are equally confusing.
Becca (9:20:55 PM): I would just like to note that with only 40 minutes remaining in this four-hour extravaganza, we have yet to see Jason Thompson. He's hotly absent.
Mallory (9:21:05 PM): (1)What is Camp Rock? (2)Why are the Jonas Brothers? (3)Why is there a High School Musical reality show?
Becca (9:21:27 PM): There could be college philosophy courses dedicated to attempting to answer those questions.
Mallory (9:21:38 PM): Jason Thompson IS hotly absent and that's just wrong
Mallory (9:21:42 PM): No Jason Thompson, No James Scott, No Greg Vaughan and a mere three second glimpse of Peter Bergman
Mallory (9:21:54 PM): If I were the paranoid type, I'd say Brian Frons is trying to punish us
Becca (9:22:08 PM): No Greg Vaughn! I totally forgot! Though if he's not carrying his baby it would kind of a come-down from GH, so maybe it's for the best.
Becca (9:22:24 PM): Peter Bergman will get panned to for a half-second when his category is announced.
Becca (9:22:41 PM): Not that I'm implying that he won't win. Please don't shun me.
Mallory (9:23:21 PM): I'm not expecting him to win, on account of the crackishness of the voters. But that half-second pan will be a highlight of the evening. Is that a sad statement about me or a sad statement about the ceremony? You decide
Becca (9:23:44 PM): Being an almost-stalker is never sad. It's other things, but not sad.
Becca (9:24:09 PM): Sweet lord, what did they do to Sherri Shepherd's hair?!
Mallory (9:24:18 PM): Seriously, she should sue
Mallory (9:24:53 PM): Ugh, I need someone to explain Jimmy Kimmel to me. He's only done one funny thing ("I'm Fucking Ben Affleck") ever and yet...he's been around forever, polluting the air with his unfunny. Why?
Becca (9:28:11 PM): This Regis tribute is touching. But was he ever on OLTL?
Becca (9:28:41 PM): Jimmy Kimmel's success is as inexplicable as Sherri Shepherd's hair.
Becca (9:29:11 PM): And "I'm Fucking Ben Affleck" was hilarious, but he was just cribbing off "I'm Fucking Matt Damon." Which may have caused me to tear a muscle in my side.
Mallory (9:29:46 PM): He wasn't original with "Fucking Ben Affleck", but for sheer star power alone, I prefer that one. Brad Pitt! Harrison Ford! McLovin, for god's sake
Becca (9:30:05 PM): Haaa! Did you see Joy just mouth "what is he DOING?" to the person next to her as Regis wandered through the tables in circles?
Mallory (9:30:11 PM): How long do you think Regis will talk for? Because I am already over it
Becca (9:30:41 PM): Oh god, he's reading off a teleprompter. I think that's only acceptable if you're really old or infirm
Mallory (9:31:26 PM): Seriously, this is kind of terrible
Becca (9:31:42 PM): "Kind of"?
Becca (9:31:49 PM): Why is he reading us his résumé?
Mallory (9:32:03 PM): It's his night, I didn't want to rain on his parade, so I tried to be tactful
Becca (9:32:14 PM): Rain away, girl.
Mallory (9:32:58 PM): Ohmigod, make it stop.
Becca (9:33:27 PM): Maybe I want them to go back to the whole "we honor you but don't want you to speak" thing from last year. It was rude, but less painful.
Becca (9:33:44 PM): Was that really only three minutes? I think I developed new wrinkles.
Mallory (9:34:06 PM): I aged enough during that speech to find Alicia Minshew's dress fashionable
Becca (9:34:24 PM): Let's go play shuffleboard
Mallory (9:34:45 PM): I'll have to be back in time for the Hallmark channel's rerun of Murder She Wrote
Becca (9:34:55 PM): You know there aren't any you haven't seen.
Mallory (9:35:37 PM): But part of the fun of re-watching is knowing how important each seemingly innocuous clue is
Becca (9:35:45 PM): They should have just showed clips of OLTL for those three minutes.
Mallory (9:36:03 PM): If they had aired clips of OLTL, my hair frizz would have totally gone away! Damn you, Regis!
Mallory (9:39:15 PM): Lesli Kay just had the most glorious WTF? look on her face. I concur, LK.
Becca (9:39:36 PM): It was a thing of beauty. I cannot wait to screencap it.
Becca (9:39:44 PM): That kiss gag was awful; it totally deserved that response.
Becca (9:39:58 PM): Who thought Cameron Mathison and Sherri Shepherd would be good together?
Mallory (9:40:33 PM): I feel so bad for Cameron Mathison, because I really feel like he must be on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion
Mallory (9:40:44 PM): Tyler Christopher looks adorably bored
Becca (9:41:15 PM): Do you think Julie Marie Berman knows how horribly awful Lulu is? And did she just propose a LULU/SONNY PAIRING?!
Mallory (9:41:27 PM): That's enough to get you forcibly committed in some states
Becca (9:41:40 PM): Wait, WTF was Tyler talking about? Maybe he's stoned, not bored!
Mallory (9:42:02 PM): I did not understand a word Tyler just said, but I would like some of whatever he was smoking
Becca (9:42:18 PM): I would have especially liked some during Regis' speech.
Mallory (9:42:38 PM): They just showed Cam give Jason the greatest "Fuck off, loser" glare! That's the best thing to happen all night
Becca (9:42:55 PM): I want to carry that kid around with me all day.
Becca (9:43:03 PM): I find it tiring to give all the bitchface on my own.
Becca (9:44:11 PM): I still don't get Tyra's weave
Becca (9:44:16 PM): Or Jeanne Cooper's dress.
Mallory (9:45:06 PM): Or the distressing lack of Greg Vaughan and Jason Thompson in the audience. I mean, I'm jealous that they aren't sitting through this, but still...
Mallory (9:45:26 PM): Holy cannoli! She finally won!
Becca (9:45:35 PM): You said holy cannoli again!
Mallory (9:45:53 PM): There's truly no need for you to hate on me and my 1950s slang
Becca (9:46:13 PM): Seeing Jeanne Cooper win is pretty touching. Shame about the gown and necklace.
Mallory (9:46:19 PM): I really wish we didn't have to see her dress, but I am happy that she won all the same. It took them long enough to reward her!
Becca (9:46:53 PM): Oh my god, she just called everyone associated with Y&R "lousy"! That was awesome.
Mallory (9:47:12 PM): I am seriously overwhelmed by her awesomeness at this moment in time
Mallory (9:47:33 PM): I can't get over Susan Lucci, BTW: she looks impeccable
Becca (9:47:48 PM): I don't love her hair, but everything else is perfection.
Becca (9:48:07 PM): There's your Peter Bergman shot!
Becca (9:48:26 PM): Are you going to be able to continue on with the live blogging?
Mallory (9:48:42 PM): I have the vapors, but I'll keep going...
Becca (9:49:10 PM): You are going to pass out if he wins.
Mallory (9:49:28 PM): Even Thaao Penghlis is like "How the hell did this happen?"
Mallory (9:49:34 PM): Let's see who wins...
Becca (9:49:35 PM): Or maybe you'll pass out because they're showing the clown clip!
Becca (9:49:41 PM): Turn away!
Becca (9:50:18 PM): I love Tony Geary, but last year was not his best.
Mallory (9:50:30 PM): Next year, he'll speak in gibberish and tap dance on one episode before an eight month vacation and he'll still win
Becca (9:50:50 PM): Yep. I think once he got rid of the perm, he was unstoppable.
Becca (9:51:14 PM): Oh god, he just thanked Jill Farren Phelps. I kind of want to dislike him now. But he thanked Jane Elliott too! What to do, what to do...
Mallory (9:51:22 PM): I am kind of depressed a little bit!
Becca (9:51:58 PM): Are you going to be okay, seriously? Because we still have a few minutes before GH wins Best Show, and I want you to be strong for that.
Mallory (9:52:21 PM): If I have to deal with the double whammy of Peter Bergman losing AND GH winning Best Show, I might just quit
Mallory (9:52:38 PM): I don't know what I'll quit, but I'll quit something! And as God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!
Becca (9:53:24 PM): That reminds me, my tummy is kind of rumbling. Should I have eaten before we started four straight hours on IM?
Mallory (9:53:49 PM): You should have! This is why I made a point of buying Twizzlers to get me through the show
Mallory (9:55:31 PM): Okay, which will it be for Outstanding Drama: the worst show on the air, a show that doesn't exist, the show that can make mere mortals walk on water and cure the lepers or the daytime equivalent of a sleeping pill?
Becca (9:56:07 PM): OLTL doesn't really need it, already having brought peace to the middle east, but I suppose it would be a nice cherry on top.
Becca (9:56:15 PM): I'm totally prepared for GH to win.
Mallory (9:56:26 PM): Oh, vom
Becca (9:56:34 PM): I LIED. I WAS NOT PREPARED.
Becca (9:57:02 PM): Oh my god, we are never going to be rid of these horrible, horrible people.
Mallory (9:57:05 PM): Wow, Jill Farren Phelps looks like the smuggest bitch to ever smug
Becca (9:57:19 PM): Did JFP just say "well, this was expected"? How much of an asshole is she?
Mallory (9:57:33 PM): On a scale of 1-10, I'd say...75
Becca (9:58:07 PM): She is awful and her dress and hair are ugly. So there.
Becca (9:58:17 PM): I've lost my ability to be lighthearted.
Mallory (9:58:22 PM): I hate these people. There will be no living with them after this
Becca (9:58:34 PM): They're going to start shooting toddlers in the head now!
Mallory (9:58:58 PM): I can already see them spinning it all "We won for a year that Laura wasn't on, so it's pretty clear that she shouldn't be on canvas right now. PS: Suck it, Genie Francis!" because they are horrible, horrible people
Mallory (9:59:28 PM): They are going to kill off everybody except Sonny, Jason, Carly, Lulu and Spinelli.
Becca (9:59:28 PM): Do you think the fact that Tyra won for best talk show in the same year will cause them to question the legitimacy of their win?
Mallory (9:59:48 PM): If they had any shame, I'd say yes, but I don't think they do, so no...
Becca (10:00:21 PM): General Hospital has been named the best soap on daytime. That sentence is so effed up.
Becca (10:00:45 PM): And what of OLTL? It makes puppies cuter and the sky brighter, and it loses to the freaking mob fest?
Mallory (10:01:31 PM): Poor OLTL. Poor Peter Bergman. Poor Rachel Melvin. Poor us.
Becca (10:01:45 PM): Poor, poor us.
Becca (10:02:19 PM): That crappy canceled Canadian show is starting, so I guess the Emmys are over. Do you think maybe next year the voters will actually watch the shows before they vote for stuff?
Mallory (10:02:51 PM): Maybe we should become Emmy reform activists
Becca (10:03:07 PM): Yeah, because we need third jobs.
Mallory (10:03:36 PM): I meant it in that vague way where you just wear a button and act like you're a tireless supporter
Becca (10:03:51 PM): Oooh. That I can totally do. I do that for all kinds of stuff.
Becca (10:03:57 PM): Except without the buttons.
Mallory (10:04:05 PM): I am actually depressed! I thought I'd be angry, or perhaps sick to my stomach, but I am more sad than anything
Becca (10:04:26 PM): Are we still chatting because we don't want to step away from the computers and realize what just happened?
Becca (10:04:38 PM): This is when I really need an alternate reality to go to.
Becca (10:04:52 PM): Hey, alternate reality -- ANOTHER thing the GH showrunners suck at!
Becca (10:05:05 PM): It's like flowers in spring -- everywhere you turn, there's a new one.
Mallory (10:05:13 PM): Is there really anything that the GH showrunners DON'T suck at?
Becca (10:05:23 PM): Winning Emmys, apparently.
Mallory (10:05:30 PM): Touché!