Another One Bites the Dust
Well, another week, another dead legacy character. We thought the death of Logan and the departure of the once brutally hot Josh Duhon was worthy of a little live-blogging action. Or we thought that being on IM for an hour would at least delay us drinking ourselves into a stupor over 1) how bad this show is, and 2) that we still watch it.
Becca (9:59:32 PM): Okay, ready for your nightly dose of ABC-sponsored misogyny?
Mallory (9:59:54 PM): I can't wait! I have trained myself to hate women and love violence. Here we go
Becca (10:00:39 PM): Scenes like this with Jax and Kate make me sad for what could have been -- you know, if Kate didn't turn out to be a spineless mob apologist
Mallory (10:00:48 PM): For a jetsetting fashion maven, Kate's wardrobe tends to look a little Golden Girls, no?
Becca (10:01:11 PM): Totally.
Mallory (10:01:36 PM): Bruce Weitz cracks me up. I feel like he's the show's only actor who is in on the huge joke that is General Hospital
Becca (10:01:54 PM): But now they're giving him a serious story, in which scenery-chewing would be inappropriate! Why did they do that?
Mallory (10:02:20 PM): Because they ruin everything that they touch, without even trying
Becca (10:02:28 PM): Just so I'm clear, Trevor had sex with a 16-year-old Claudia, and for that her father just called her a whore, right?
Mallory (10:02:45 PM): Indeed! Because "manipulative tramp" is totally the term of endearment father/daughter conversations are made of
Becca (10:03:05 PM): Why did Lulu just answer a call from the guy she just saw brutalize Maxie like a ragdoll?
Becca (10:03:12 PM): I think she might be dumber than Carly.
Mallory (10:03:21 PM): She really is a moron! A smug, vile moron
Mallory (10:03:39 PM): Have you noticed that at least half of the men in that group shot at the end of the credits are dead?
Becca (10:03:40 PM): Seriously, half the people in these opening credits are dead.
Becca (10:03:44 PM): Ha! Jinx!
Mallory (10:03:53 PM): I owe you a coke! With rum
Becca (10:04:08 PM): OMG, Claudia "seduced" Trevor? Ewewewewew.
Becca (10:04:13 PM): This show is evil. Poor Sarah Brown. She's too good for this.
Mallory (10:04:45 PM): Okay, what year is it?
Becca (10:05:24 PM): 1920? I think that's the last time it was acceptable to talk about women like this.
Mallory (10:05:36 PM): The show has been on for five minutes, and Anthony Zacchara has already called his daughter a tramp AND a slut
Becca (10:06:07 PM): It's time-efficient misogyny, I'll give them that.
Becca (10:06:34 PM): I like how Ingo R can't even keep a straight face when saying it's obvious why Jax would be married to Carly.
Mallory (10:07:14 PM): I really like how he is trying to explain away what a harridan Carly is by blaming it on the miscarriage and Michael's shooting. Um, what about everything else between 1996 and then, Jax?
Becca (10:07:33 PM): Seriously. The reason she is such an awful person lately is a little something known as “her personality.”
Becca (10:07:55 PM): ....and then we cut to Carly being her usual horrible self with Jason. Perfect.
Mallory (10:08:13 PM): She's just so loud!
Becca (10:08:32 PM): And so entitled! I don't understand why she's so cocky. Self-confidence is dangerous in the wrong hands.
Mallory (10:08:36 PM): Holy crap, is this a Robin/Sonny scene?
Becca (10:08:52 PM): Sonny/Robin scenes make me think of Stone. If this show so much as makes me sniffle tonight, when I am in a mood to hate it, I will hate it even more for harshing my buzz.
Mallory (10:09:18 PM): Is it just me or has Maurice Benard actually finished more than half of his sentences? Kimberly McCullough is a miracle worker
Becca (10:09:29 PM): She does the same thing with Steve Burton. It’s like she shows up and things are better. Maybe they should put a headshot of her in the corner of the screen all the time, instead of the network logo.
Mallory (10:09:45 PM): OMG, I meant to tell you that I found my copy of Robin's Diary--I am going to have to post excerpts on the blog
Becca (10:10:06 PM): There is something called Robin's Diary?
Mallory (10:10:28 PM): It's her "diary" she kept during her relationship with Stone. Angsty stuff!
Becca (10:10:41 PM): You are a soap crazy!
Mallory (10:10:50 PM): I got it when I was 12!
Becca (10:10:58 PM): Wait, Lulu can see that Maxie is unconscious. Why is she calling her?
Mallory (10:11:09 PM): I think we answered that question earlier when we decided she was a dumb, smug brat
Becca (10:11:33 PM): But there's dumb, and then there's, like, the dog we had growing up that used to walk into walls.
Becca (10:11:39 PM): At least he had inbreeding to blame.
Becca (10:13:07 PM): Why didn't Lulu call 911 in the time it took her to stare at Logan's incoming call and make a call to the motionless girl on the floor?
Mallory (10:14:28 PM): Seriously, I know that there's some sort of stupid gene running around the Spencer family (see: Lucky, for many, many months), but that was just ridiculously implausible. The writers don't even care anymore
Becca (10:15:06 PM): Why do we still care?
Becca (10:15:27 PM): Why can I not commit to so much as a houseplant, but I cannot give up this horrible show?
Mallory (10:15:39 PM): I think the medical term is "suckers"
Becca (10:15:51 PM): Don't get all technical on me.
Mallory (10:16:04 PM): I really like how the show gets all artsy when it comes to lingering closeups on an unconscious 85 pound girl
Becca (10:16:28 PM): It really does make me feel queasy; same thing when they did that close-up of zipping Georgie into the body bag.
Becca (10:16:36 PM): Who the eff is Lulu calling now?
Becca (10:16:43 PM): Is 9-1-1 so difficult?
Mallory (10:17:03 PM): I know, is she just randomly texting? "OMG Nik, Crazy stuff happening! Call me l8r"
Becca (10:17:07 PM): Okay, Lulu looks like Bam Bam right now with that club
Becca (10:17:37 PM): Did Logan just punch through the secured front door of a luxury condo?
Mallory (10:17:52 PM): I think he just did.
Mallory (10:18:06 PM): How much do you think Josh Duhon hated himself during the day this was filmed?
Becca (10:18:17 PM): The poor guy. I know we coined the whole "brutally hot" thing (and by "coined" I mean, "as with most things, ripped off from Clueless"), but I never thought the show would make that adverb literal.
Mallory (10:19:17 PM): I think Claudia gets called a tramp more often than we call Jason Thompson hot
Becca (10:19:59 PM): Mal, she was clearly "putting her stuff out on display" by being 16 and cute, making it totally okay for daddy's poor "sucker" of a grown-ass lawyer to have sex with her. Trampy trampyness!
Becca (10:20:20 PM): Are you new to this show or something?
Mallory (10:21:19 PM): I must be! I am finding Sonny to be almost bearable right now. My head hurts
Becca (10:21:40 PM): I'm totally digging him right now. I think Maurice Benard just genuinely smiled. Kimberly McCullough just made him do something he hasn't since Friends was on the air.
Mallory (10:22:34 PM): I know that I spent most of my life ranting against the violence against women on this show, but right now, I really want to see Jason drag Carly out of his penthouse by her hair
Becca (10:23:54 PM): Seconded. Or just smother her with one of his hundred leather jackets. Speaking of how much I hate her, did Carly just say Kate bought her career on her back? Because Carly has so much money independent of the men she's married?
Mallory (10:24:41 PM): I really do like Laura Wright and think she'd be fun to have a beer with, but between the screaming and that horrible, awful face she makes that is all "What? How dare you just say that to me?"...I sometimes have to leave the room when Carly is on
Becca (10:26:25 PM): Yeah, I like Laura Wright but I think I hate Carly more than Sonny and Jason combined at this point. The writers' insane affection for Carly is completely baffling. If they wrote her as an obvious harpy that everyone only barely tolerates it would be one thing -- and my Laura Wright affection could win out -- but they write her like everyone actually thinks she's this amazing person. Which....no. She's not. She's the opposite of amazing, with a side of STFU.
Becca (10:27:32 PM): BTW, that look that Carly gets when someone dares call her on her shit is exactly the look my dog gives me when I use the "not for dog" command about people food.
Mallory (10:30:13 PM): These scenes with Claudia and her father actually turn my stomach. And not just because of Anthony's bowling shirt
Becca (10:30:39 PM): So if Trevor had "forced himself on [Claudia] in any way," Anthony would have killed him. But Trevor was a man in his, what, 40s? And Claudia was 16. The writers want me to hate Anthony in this situation, right? Not Claudia?
Becca (10:31:22 PM): Where the fuck did Logan get an ax from?!
Mallory (10:32:13 PM): Seriously, is there a random stash of weapons hidden in the hallway, just in case they are needed?
Becca (10:32:27 PM): Maybe you can buy them on the corner now, like carnations and Kate Spade knockoffs?
Becca (10:32:50 PM): He should have bought that lock-picking kit in the next kiosk over. Fewer splinters.
Mallory (10:34:17 PM): Maybe he is a big fan of Jack Nicholson in The Shining?
Becca (10:35:27 PM): You know Guza thinks Jack is the hero in that movie.
Mallory (10:36:11 PM): I always respond well to orders when people put their hands over my mouth
Becca (10:36:28 PM): This shit is so disturbing, no joke. This show is broken.
Mallory (10:36:45 PM): Honestly, isn't this supposed to be entertainment?
Becca (10:37:01 PM): And did the idiots who run/ruin this show even consider the timing of this Logan ridiculousness? Happy birthday, America! We got you yet another misogynistic, physically abusive veteran!
Mallory (10:37:51 PM): What is Guza's fixation with veterans being criminals? That's not right
Becca (10:38:09 PM): There is growth with respect to how he writes vets, though: Connor=rapist, Cody=mentally unbalanced with rage issues, Coop=possible murderer, and Logan=mentally unbalanced with rage issues AND possible murderer AND possible rapist.
Becca (10:38:14 PM): Progress!
Mallory (10:38:25 PM): "I'm sorry about the door, I didn't have a choice" Um...there are always choices that don't involve axes
Mallory (10:40:41 PM): Can you imagine being friends with Carly? I mean, I don't like Jason, but...he's a hitman. Can't he just..,.do the things that he does? Then at least his reputation as the Port Charles messiah would be deserved
Becca (10:41:53 PM): Offing her might be the first of his hits I could support. BTW, Jason just totally called Carly on her wanting Jax to find out about the Limo Sex and she displayed yet another look that my dog gives me, namely the "Who me?! Why no, it must have been the teenager next door who ate your garbage! I'm hurt." one. I am enjoying her Labrador repertoire this evening.
Mallory (10:42:47 PM): Her character would be so much more tolerable if we were supposed to see her as a total sociopath, and not the heroine of the show.
Becca (10:43:35 PM): But then the heroine would have to be a Quartermaine, or something, and the world would end.
Becca (10:43:45 PM): This toddler in the Brawny commercial who just dumped his milk on the floor and rolled in it? Smarter than Lulu.
Mallory (10:44:31 PM): Inanimate objects are smarter than Lulu
Becca (10:45:19 PM): HOLY SHIT, did Logan just blame his behavior on Iraq? Why is someone allowed to be a professional writer and get away with this nonsense?
Mallory (10:45:53 PM): I know I shouldn't expect anything from the show that routinely pulls storyline conclusions out of their ass, but...where did Logan's stalker behavior come from? He was pretty mellow after the coma, wasn't he? And then he disappeared for months and came back all crazy crackers?
Becca (10:46:18 PM): It's like they had 24 hours notice Duhon was leaving the show, or something. It's out of nowhere.
Mallory (10:47:14 PM): This show is insanely manipulative, by the way, using Kimberly McCullough and the memory of Stone to make me give a damn about anything Sonny is going through
Becca (10:47:28 PM): Bastards.
Mallory (10:47:29 PM): Whatev, show! You're not going to get me! I've been burned too many times
Becca (10:48:06 PM): I'm just going to go watch Stone’s last episode in retaliation, to remind me of how good this show used to be. Not that I have that ep on Tivo from the Robin marathon months ago, or anything.
Mallory (10:48:36 PM): Okay, we need to talk later about Jason and Robin Part I, because I LOVED them and I don't feel like their awesomeness is properly recognized
Becca (10:49:28 PM): Oh thank god, I was going to tiptoe around that because I know how much you hate Jason now, but I freaking loved them together. Before Jason got all robotic and murder-y, or at least before he got that way full time.
Mallory (10:50:33 PM): They were amazing!! And I'm still livid that Guza pissed all over the memories of that relationship with the wretched Jason/Carly/Robin cottage storyline
Becca (10:51:22 PM): But pissing all over history and ruining your memories of how good GH has the potential to be is what he does, Mal. Don't hate, appreciate.
Mallory (10:52:56 PM): I guess you're right. He IS good at certain things. Killing off so many legacy characters in such a short amount of time really does take talent
Becca (10:54:13 PM): Truly, why can he not just write them off without killing them? Georgie could have gone to study abroad, Emily could have joined Doctors Without Borders . . . why kill them all off so definitively?
Mallory (10:54:28 PM): Oh my god, tell me that Jax/Kate thing with the zany "It looks like a blowjob!" pose did not just happen
Mallory (10:54:49 PM): Because I'm pretty sure I saw that on an episode of Three's Company. And it was not funny or entertaining then.
Becca (10:54:54 PM): And the Claudia/Sonny thing...?
Becca (10:55:38 PM): Why have Maxie and Johnny also not called 911? Why are these people so dumb?!
Mallory (10:55:44 PM): Okay, Maxie was just brutally attacked and not a hair is out of place. What the hell kind of hairspray does she use?
Becca (10:56:08 PM): Do not give this show any more product placement ideas. Need I remind you of the Campbell's fiascos?
Becca (10:57:13 PM): I think Lulu just killed Logan.
Mallory (10:57:41 PM): I know I say it so often that these words no longer have any meaning, but: this show is awful
Becca (10:58:03 PM): It truly is.
Becca (10:58:40 PM): And even if the rumors that he was a bit difficult on set are true (and his interview in the latest SOD seems to give some credence to that), I feel bad for Josh Duhon. I mean, you get cast as the kid of Scotty Baldwin, who among other things is the interloper in the Luke and Laura saga, and you must think you're set, at least for a little while.
Mallory (10:59:40 PM): Seriously. Remember the days when he had a promising romance with Lulu? And then Logan and Lulu got together and broke up in the span of half an hour before he got cast aside for the new kid in town
Becca (11:00:11 PM): My pedicures last longer than that relationship did.
Becca (11:01:21 PM): Damn, and The Daily Show is a rerun. This day just keeps getting worse.
Screencaps courtesy of LiznJase.