Serial Drama

Another One Bites the Dust

Well, another week, another dead legacy character.  We thought the death of Logan and the departure of the once brutally hot Josh Duhon was worthy of a little live-blogging action.  Or we thought that being on IM for an hour would at least delay us drinking ourselves into a stupor over 1) how bad this show is, and 2) that we still watch it. 

Becca (9:59:32 PM): Okay, ready for your nightly dose of ABC-sponsored misogyny?
Mallory (9:59:54 PM): I can't wait! I have trained myself to hate women and love violence. Here we go
Becca (10:00:39 PM): Scenes like this with Jax and Kate make me sad for what could have been -- you know, if Kate didn't turn out to be a spineless mob apologist

Mallory (10:00:48 PM): For a jetsetting fashion maven, Kate's wardrobe tends to look a little Golden Girls, no?
Becca (10:01:11 PM): Totally.

Mallory (10:01:36 PM): Bruce Weitz cracks me up. I feel like he's the show's only actor who is in on the huge joke that is General Hospital
Becca (10:01:54 PM): But now they're giving him a serious story, in which scenery-chewing would be inappropriate!  Why did they do that?
Mallory (10:02:20 PM): Because they ruin everything that they touch, without even trying

Days of Our Lives Month and a Half in Review

Yeesh, what a difference six weeks makes.  I was in such a good Days place, I even busted out the Awesome Alert Scale.  But since then, it's all kind of...fizzled.  There have been a few highlights, and the daily dialogue isn't bad, but I just don't understand where the show is going.  As far as I can tell, the big points of focus right now are:

• Chelsea and Daniel's "romance"
• Max
• Chloe/Phillip/Morgan
• Lexie and Abe
• Midol

Oh, sorry, that last one was only a focus of one episode.  More on that later.  But really, has there been an episode in weeks that hasn't primarily revolved around one of the first three?  And is there any reason I should be interested?  Chelsea and Daniel -- repulsive.  Max -- seriously?  Who decided he was a lead character?  And can we take a vote or something?  And Chloe and Morgan -- I don't want to talk smack about anything that puts the very handsome Jay Kenneth Johnson on my screen, particularly in various stages of undress, but this triangle could not be less interesting if it involved actual geometry.

I continue to be thoroughly entertained by the new John Black.  It's gotten to the point where all he needs to do is refer to his house as "my mansion" and I giggle.  Let alone when he says something truly funny and I lose all pretense of jaded soap fan/critic.

John:  Alone at last.
Hope:  What do we have here?
John:  I believe that's an old photo album belonging to my half-brother.
Hope:  To look at this you'd think the DiMeras were just your average happy family.  Nothing but smiling faces.
John:  Still, I'll bet it brings back some memories for you also.
Hope:  There's nothing I care to remember about Stefano DiMera.
John:  And I can't remember.  Which is kind of a nice thing about having amnesia, only along with all the bad stuff I've lost all the good stuff too.
Hope:  I know.  Your life with Marlena, the kids, your career.
John:  Nah, I was thinking about something else.
Hope:  Such as?
John:  The time you and I had spine-shattering sex on a submarine.

The rest of the conversation is not worth transcribing, even with John's awesomely smug description of the many "notches on [his] bedpost" despite his supposed devotion to Marlena.  Wait, that's not true, it's worth transcribing, but I was still laughing from "spine-shattering sex on a submarine" so I couldn't focus.  And I wasn't even watching when the submarine sex happened!  It's funny just as a stand-alone line, especially Drake Hogestyn's delivery.  His delivery of almost every line he says cracks me up -- and it's meant to!  I don't even know how to adjust to that after all these years. 

Is This That Optimism Thing I've Heard So Much About?

I know they, whoever "they" are, say that you should live with no regrets.  But sadly, I have regrets.  They include, but are not limited to:

• going through a period circa Reality Bites and Before Sunrise during which I thought Ethan Hawke was a little bit attractive
• that my high school yearbook photo dedication includes the phrase "UR Audi5K"
• not discovering arugula salads until this year
• thinking Katherine Heigl was charming and/or down-to-earth
• my attitude from ages 13-19
• some really bad dates, especially the one with Scabby Leg Guy (I still don't believe that could happen playing soccer)
• owning acid-washed jeans
• taking almost half a season to get into Gossip Girl
• probably some truly meaningful things as well

But none of that compares to how much I regret giving many, many hours of my life last summer to a soul-sucking enterprise known as General Hospital: Night Shift.  Mallory and I not only watched every minute of the awfulness, we detailed them in recaps that almost drained us of the will to live.  If not for Jason Thompson appearing nearly naked in a shower on the first episode, we probably would have walked away from blogging forever.  That scene got us through a lot -- a lot -- of crappy ones that followed.

So why, then, am I optimistic for the new season of Night Shift that starts airing July 22nd?  Note: Your answer may not include "idiot," "drunk," or "your brain is more broken than Jason Morgan's."

Hear me out, you guys:  I really think there may be cause for positivity this time around!  My reasons include:

Oh, Show. Why Are You This Way?

I was recently told that I am "too judgmental", which I guess is a bad thing? I tried to point out that I am a soap critic, after all, and also, who says that judgmental people can't be awesome? Because I'm pretty sure that The Muppet Show was as great as it was partly because of Statler and Waldorf.

But then I got to wondering: what if I AM too judgmental? What if I'm expending too much negative energy? What if karma kicks me in the ass for my bitchiness?

So I decided that I was going to start looking for the good in everything, even things that I normally hate.

• Grapefruit: It has tons of Vitamin-C!
• Louis Vuitton Murakami print bags: they're eye-catching!
• Old Navy: they have JELLIES! In FLIP FLOP FORM!
• Whipped Cream: Provides an attractive garnish for desserts and frappuccinos?
• Colbie Callait's song "Realize": every time it's played on the radio means that, for a few minutes, the airwaves won't be assaulted with Katy Perry's "UR So Gay"
• Chad Michael Murray: do you know how hard it is to squint all the time without getting a headache? That's a true skill he has
• Heidi Montag: what if she was dropped on her head when she was a child? That would be sad, and it would explain a whole, whole lot 

And then I tried to look for the good on All My Children and...it's like my mind just went blank. I can't even say "The show tries hard", because it doesn't. It doesn't try hard at anything but sucking. I mean, with their cast and their history, this should be an awesome show by default. Under the layers of horrible writing, asinine casting decisions, and one note performances, there's a kind of good soap opera hanging out, waiting for a moment in the sun.

I will say this for AMC, though: it's taught me a couple of things that I never would have known if I didn't watch...