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« Night Shift Season Premiere: Pre-Recap Recap | Main | Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column »

July 23, 2008

The Town Where Personal Space Goes To Die

If there is someone out there who is legitimately entertained by multiple (MULTIPLE!) episodes about Ryan's sperm and how well it functions, I would like to meet them. In a laboratory setting, preferably, where they can be closely monitored by medical professionals, because I'm pretty sure their synapses aren't firing properly.

I mean, I'd like to explain the whole thing away as a dare, like, "Okay, okay, I've got the best plan: let's do a show all about Ryan's sperm and see how low the ratings can get! It will be awesome!" (or, even better, repress it) but the part of me who has watched AMC for years and understands all too well the depths of love the powers-that-be have for Ryan knows better and knows that somewhere, some misguided soul thinks that this show is genuinely good, rather than ultra disturbing.

DISTURBING

Annie telling Ryan that she's pregnant and him IMMEDIATELY accusing her of cheating and telling her he'll divorce her and getting the vapors

Ryanvapors

Ryan: Look, um -- I'm not going to use this against you, ok? I'm not. We can settle everything fairly. And, you know, we'll both tell Emma together. And we'll do it in a way that she can understand. And we'll make sure, most importantly, that she knows that we love her no matter what, all right?

Um, I know I ranted to hell and back about the ludicrousness of Victor getting Sabrina pregnant on Y&R* but, you know, vasectomies don't always work. It's almost like he was all, "YES! A reason to dump your bland ass for Greenlee. Thanks so much for being a cheating whore, you made my life so much easier! We'll make sure to tell Emma really nicely together so that she doesn't get mad at me, which means that I can eventually sue you for custody down the road".

I know Annie is insane and that her machinations regarding Ryan's vasectomy are crazy, but Ryan doesn't know that! So who is he to judge?

DISTURBING

Aiden's concern over the discovery of the vasectomy that wasn't was so weird.

Aidanconcerned

(I promise that he was trying to express concern at that moment. Trying and failing, but trying nonetheless)

It wasn't just that he was concerned with the fallout for his girlfriend, it was like he was sympathizing with her over the injustice of someone else having Ryan's spawn and not Greenlee. Or him, for that matter. He was like, way more depressed over a friend's failed vasectomy than most people would be. I'm just saying, there's fanfic potential here.

DISTURBING

Petey's glasses

Petey

Okay, that may not have anything to do with the discussion at hand and I have actually really, really enjoyed Petey and the way his scheming has gotten Adam to go back to his old tricks, but I just felt the need to go on record as being totally against that.

DISTURBING

Of course the most disturbing thing of all was that FOUR ADULTS sat around and waited for test results to see whether or not Ryan can have children.

Group

Why on earth would you hang around a hospital waiting room so you can see whether or not your girlfriend's ex-husband got his wife pregnant? When your wife insists that you stick around to see if her ex's sperm works, why don't you say "You know what, you stay here, but I have better things to do. I'm going to go stare at a wall for a little while and then maybe clip coupons even though I'm richer than God just because there's something fun about seeing what's on sale and putting the best coupons in a little envelope to bring to the grocery store"? Ryan's sperm has always gotten Greenlee and Kendall all atwitter (...there's really no way to read that sentence and not think it needs an NSFW designation, is there?), so their tomfoolery is sadly in character for them, but Zach and Aidan totally should have hightailed it out of there and left the two lunatics behind.

I'm sorry, no one in the world is that important. No one needs this sort of entourage while they wait and see if their parts are functioning. That is absolutely ludicrous on a "You're a hitman, but you performed, like, the best C-section ever" level!

*I...spend an awful lot of time talking about the sperm of fictional people. My parents must be so proud of me.

Comments

Thank you, thank you, thank you for articulating the mental pain and anguish that AMC has been putting me through on a daily basis. I abhor Ryan and his little swimmers (almost as much as I despise Greenlee!)

Hey- I like Petey's glasses! :)

I've been watching AMC every 3 days or so because I can't stand the amount of time devoted to the Randi storyline and I do not want to have to think about Ryan's junk.

Petey looks like a prepubescent Gordon Gekko in Wall Street. Like could have at least made him hot.

I wish they would get rid of Ryan/Greenlee/Kendall

I like Petey's glasses too...they are just dork enough for the son of Opal.

I'm still dry heaving at the whole ludicrous Ian Buchanan aka Dr. Creepy Sperm-Zygote and his rape/kidnapping during Erica's alleged abortion!

What is AMC's deal? If there is an insane nasty story to be told about baby batter they insist on telling it. It's kinda like GH and mob violence. Gross and sticky and enraging!

St. Ryan of the miracle semen needs to DIE. ENough of this googly eyed dork. I cannot take it anymore.

I have to retreat to my happy AMC place... Angie and Jessie!!!

I dont like his glasses but I do like Petey. I seriously wish they had kept Ambyr Childers and paired her with him though. That would have been awesome.

Nobody cares about Ryan's swimmers, TPTB. NOBODY.

I'll go you one better, Kiran:

Nobody cares about RYAN or his spooge, TPTB. NOBODY.

His jizz should have it's own slot in the credits because it has more screen time than most of the characters who aren't Greenlee.

I fully expect whatever little screentime isn't devoted to Ryan, his emissions, or Greenlee to be sucked up by the GushRedux pair of Ricky Paull Goldin/Beth Ehlers.

The idiocy of yesterday was mind boggling. But I seem to say that every day after watching AMC.

I don't expect Pratt's arrival will change anything. The idiocy will just occur during different situations, that's all.You know, those 'huge' 'umbrella' stories that will 'change everything FOREVER!@!#!@#'

"OMG, Kendall. The Valley Inn was just hit with a meteor and there's an alien inside holding hostages. Do you think this will effect Ryan's ability to father children?"

DISTURBING
The speed and alacrity with which Ryan provided his *sample* for the analysis. And one can't help but marvel at the way the sample-extracting method was totally ignored by all the people idly standing around. Hmmm.

Donna, above, is so right. It's really only a matter of time before Ryan's Spermatazoa are featured in the opening credits, probably swirling as though in a light breeze -- perhaps with a bit of sparkly light reflecting off their perky little tails.

Ryan and Victor have industrial strength sperm. Remember when we got the Ashley stealing the jizz story? And Y&R is just pretending like Victor forgot he had a vasectomy, since he knocked up that tranny Sabrina.

In fact, if Petey was vegan and into indie rock, he would be a HOT HOT HOT commodity here in Portland, OR. ALL of the hipsters have glasses like that but he needs a better haircut.

I get the feeling that Petey is Frons' way of ripping off Chuck Bass (much the way he ripped off every movie nominated for an oscar in 2007 for General Hospital that year), but whatever. Hes snarky, hes a legacy kid, he gives more screen time to Opal and Palmer, and he did okay opposite David Canary.

God, this show is gonna get retitled "All My Ryan's Jizz" isn't it?

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