The Town Where Personal Space Goes To Die
If there is someone out there who is legitimately entertained by multiple (MULTIPLE!) episodes about Ryan's sperm and how well it functions, I would like to meet them. In a laboratory setting, preferably, where they can be closely monitored by medical professionals, because I'm pretty sure their synapses aren't firing properly.
I mean, I'd like to explain the whole thing away as a dare, like, "Okay, okay, I've got the best plan: let's do a show all about Ryan's sperm and see how low the ratings can get! It will be awesome!" (or, even better, repress it) but the part of me who has watched AMC for years and understands all too well the depths of love the powers-that-be have for Ryan knows better and knows that somewhere, some misguided soul thinks that this show is genuinely good, rather than ultra disturbing.
Annie telling Ryan that she's pregnant and him IMMEDIATELY accusing her of cheating and telling her he'll divorce her and getting the vapors
Ryan: Look, um -- I'm not going to use this against you, ok? I'm not. We can settle everything fairly. And, you know, we'll both tell Emma together. And we'll do it in a way that she can understand. And we'll make sure, most importantly, that she knows that we love her no matter what, all right?
Um, I know I ranted to hell and back about the ludicrousness of Victor getting Sabrina pregnant on Y&R* but, you know, vasectomies don't always work. It's almost like he was all, "YES! A reason to dump your bland ass for Greenlee. Thanks so much for being a cheating whore, you made my life so much easier! We'll make sure to tell Emma really nicely together so that she doesn't get mad at me, which means that I can eventually sue you for custody down the road".
I know Annie is insane and that her machinations regarding Ryan's vasectomy are crazy, but Ryan doesn't know that! So who is he to judge?
Aiden's concern over the discovery of the vasectomy that wasn't was so weird.
(I promise that he was trying to express concern at that moment. Trying and failing, but trying nonetheless)
It wasn't just that he was concerned with the fallout for his girlfriend, it was like he was sympathizing with her over the injustice of someone else having Ryan's spawn and not Greenlee. Or him, for that matter. He was like, way more depressed over a friend's failed vasectomy than most people would be. I'm just saying, there's fanfic potential here.
Okay, that may not have anything to do with the discussion at hand and I have actually really, really enjoyed Petey and the way his scheming has gotten Adam to go back to his old tricks, but I just felt the need to go on record as being totally against that.
Of course the most disturbing thing of all was that FOUR ADULTS sat around and waited for test results to see whether or not Ryan can have children.
Why on earth would you hang around a hospital waiting room so you can see whether or not your girlfriend's ex-husband got his wife pregnant? When your wife insists that you stick around to see if her ex's sperm works, why don't you say "You know what, you stay here, but I have better things to do. I'm going to go stare at a wall for a little while and then maybe clip coupons even though I'm richer than God just because there's something fun about seeing what's on sale and putting the best coupons in a little envelope to bring to the grocery store"? Ryan's sperm has always gotten Greenlee and Kendall all atwitter (...there's really no way to read that sentence and not think it needs an NSFW designation, is there?), so their tomfoolery is sadly in character for them, but Zach and Aidan totally should have hightailed it out of there and left the two lunatics behind.
I'm sorry, no one in the world is that important. No one needs this sort of entourage while they wait and see if their parts are functioning. That is absolutely ludicrous on a "You're a hitman, but you performed, like, the best C-section ever" level!
*I...spend an awful lot of time talking about the sperm of fictional people. My parents must be so proud of me.