Forget Lulu, I'M The One on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown
I am the first to admit that I am prone to hyperbole and that I have a tendency to be a drama queen but I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I tell you that General Hospital is so relentlessly awful right now that it is LITERALLY BREAKING MY BRAIN. LITERALLY.
(Seriously, earlier today, I forgot my voicemail password and stared at my cell phone, slack jawed, for minutes. And when I paid for a latte at Starbucks, I gave the barista the wrong amount of change...twice. Either I have a concussion from hitting my head on a shelf at Marshall's, or GH is causing me mental anguish. When in doubt, I blame GH)
I find myself with so many questions as I watch the show (questions that I ask out loud to an empty room which, again, BROKEN BRAIN):
- Why is Claudia involved in every story on the show? I'm a certified Sarah Brown fan, so if I am irritated by her constant presence onscreen, how annoyed are her haters?
- It's 2008, right? Which makes Spinelli's endless complaining about how he should be the one saving Maxie and not vice versa totally lame, right?
- On what planet is the introduction of a new mobster even in the same hemisphere as entertaining? I think that at this point even Steve Burton is like, "SERIOUSLY? We're doing this again? Are you freaking kidding me? And people make fun of me for not doing anything new and original this century? Let me guess, I'm going to put on a black t-shirt and jeans and get shot at. Am I right? Seriously?"
- Was there any point to Claudia, Carly and Jason being part of a shootout at the warehouse other than "Hee! We have two Carlys in one scene with Jason. Hee! Carly and Jason and CarlyClaudia are awesome! Hee!"?
- Why do the writers even try to present the possibility that Our Lord and Savior Jason is going to get killed in one of the many shootouts he's involved in? Is it just to get our hopes up in order to cruelly dash them? Or do they think the audience is dumb enough to get emotionally invested?
And, most importantly, how on earth does ANYBODY think this show is entertaining? What is the thought process that goes in to writing these stories? Is there any thought process going in to writing these stories?
The more I think about it, the more it makes my head hurt and then I make a face kind of like this:
This effing show.
Lulu and Johnny on the run is so mind-numbingly boring that I've had to turn to a thesaurus for new and exciting words to describe it. The story is not only achingly tiresome, but also soul crushingly tedious. Even Brandon Barash can't keep his obvious boredom off of his face and at times seems mere seconds away from smothering Julie Marie Berman with a pillow so that this "exciting" "adventure" will finally be over
I'm with you there, Brandon.
It's hard to say what the worst part of the story is: Julie Marie Berman's sudden inability to act convincingly with anybody except for the wig playing Laura? The fact that Johnny and Lulu ran away with seemingly an entire year's worth of cute outfits with them? The fact that NOTHING ABOUT IT MAKES ANY SENSE?
Well, there are two parts that stand out in terms of awfulness:
(1) Lourdes. What the hell? Who is this girl? Did she win a contest? Did the actual actress who was cast for the part get sick and they needed to pull someone off the street to fill in? I cringe whenever she climbs through the window to screech and pout at Johnny and Logan. If I ever saw her out and about, I'd have to cross over to the other side of the street to make sure I wouldn't do something Crazy and horrible, like offer her money to pay for acting classes.
I've seen some pretty unintentionally hilarious shit on this show in recent times, but this is threat level midnight.
Did they blow the rest of their 2008 budget on Vincent Pastore? Because a massive lack of funding is the only explanation I've come up with for someone thinking "Scary hallucination pushing Lulu to the brink of insanity" and coming up with "Someone telling ghost stories at a second grade slumber party". When are we going to play Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, Logan?
I can see someone laughing so hard at this that they injure themselves, sure, or someone crying so hard at what this show has become that they burst a blood vessel, but a nervous breakdown? Nah.
There were a lot of rumors swirling about Josh Duhon being difficult on the GH set, but I commend him for not running away and living in Brazil under an assumed name rather than take part in these scenes.
THIS IS THE REIGNING OUTSTANDING DAYTIME DRAMA, PEOPLE. THIS WAS NAMED, BY INDUSTRY PROFESSIONALS, THE BEST SOAP ON THE AIR. I WEEP FOR HUMANITY.
(a) playing Blanche Deveroux in the Port Charles dinner theater production of "The Best of The Golden Girls"
(b) The editor of a fashion magazine FOR THE BLIND
Although I suppose on a show where Carly is the great heroine in the history of ever, it's not out of the realm of possibility that the town fashionista wears outfits made of cupcake tins.
Okay, I don't have screencaps to prove it, but! This show continues to have no clue as to how to utilize a fake pregnancy belly, because Robin's stomach grew tremendously over the course of today's episode. Part of me expected Kelly to say "You're not having a boy or a girl, you're having a fucking freak of nature. What the hell kind of steroids are you on, Robin?"
(Part of me also expected Kelly to invent some new gender when she read the ultrasound, but that is neither here nor there)