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« Does It Count As "Soul Searching" If You Don't Actually Have a Soul? | Main | GH: The Day in Pictures »

August 12, 2008

Forget Lulu, I'M The One on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

I am the first to admit that I am prone to hyperbole and that I have a tendency to be a drama queen but I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I tell you that General Hospital is so relentlessly awful right now that it is LITERALLY BREAKING MY BRAIN. LITERALLY.

(Seriously, earlier today, I forgot my voicemail password and stared at my cell phone, slack jawed, for minutes. And when I paid for a latte at Starbucks, I gave the barista the wrong amount of change...twice. Either I have a concussion from hitting my head on a shelf at Marshall's, or GH is causing me mental anguish. When in doubt, I blame GH)

I find myself with so many questions as I watch the show (questions that I ask out loud to an empty room which, again, BROKEN BRAIN):

  • Why is Claudia involved in every story on the show? I'm a certified Sarah Brown fan, so if I am irritated by her constant presence onscreen, how annoyed are her haters?
  • It's 2008, right? Which makes Spinelli's endless complaining about how he should be the one saving Maxie and not vice versa totally lame, right?
  • On what planet is the introduction of a new mobster even in the same hemisphere as entertaining? I think that at this point even Steve Burton is like, "SERIOUSLY? We're doing this again? Are you freaking kidding me? And people make fun of me for not doing anything new and original this century? Let me guess, I'm going to put on a black t-shirt and jeans and get shot at. Am I right? Seriously?"
  • Was there any point to Claudia, Carly and Jason being part of a shootout at the warehouse other than "Hee! We have two Carlys in one scene with Jason. Hee! Carly and Jason and CarlyClaudia are awesome! Hee!"?
  • Why do the writers even try to present the possibility that Our Lord and Savior Jason is going to get killed in one of the many shootouts he's involved in? Is it just to get our hopes up in order to cruelly dash them? Or do they think the audience is dumb enough to get emotionally invested?

And, most importantly, how on earth does ANYBODY think this show is entertaining? What is the thought process that goes in to writing these stories? Is there any thought process going in to writing these stories?

The more I think about it, the more it makes my head hurt and then I make a face kind of like this:


This effing show.

Lulu and Johnny on the run is so mind-numbingly boring that I've had to turn to a thesaurus for new and exciting words to describe it. The story is not only achingly tiresome, but also soul crushingly tedious. Even Brandon Barash can't keep his obvious boredom off of his face and at times seems mere seconds away from smothering Julie Marie Berman with a pillow so that this "exciting" "adventure" will finally be over


I'm with you there, Brandon.

It's hard to say what the worst part of the story is: Julie Marie Berman's sudden inability to act convincingly with anybody except for the wig playing Laura? The fact that Johnny and Lulu ran away with seemingly an entire year's worth of cute outfits with them? The fact that NOTHING ABOUT IT MAKES ANY SENSE?

Well, there are two parts that stand out in terms of awfulness:

(1) Lourdes. What the hell? Who is this girl? Did she win a contest? Did the actual actress who was cast for the part get sick and they needed to pull someone off the street to fill in? I cringe whenever she climbs through the window to screech and pout at Johnny and Logan. If I ever saw her out and about, I'd have to cross over to the other side of the street to make sure I wouldn't do something Crazy and horrible, like offer her money to pay for acting classes.



I've seen some pretty unintentionally hilarious shit on this show in recent times, but this is threat level midnight.

Did they blow the rest of their 2008 budget on Vincent Pastore? Because a massive lack of funding is the only explanation I've come up with for someone thinking "Scary hallucination pushing Lulu to the brink of insanity" and coming up with "Someone telling ghost stories at a second grade slumber party".  When are we going to play Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board, Logan?


I can see someone laughing so hard at this that they injure themselves, sure, or someone crying so hard at what this show has become that they burst a blood vessel, but a nervous breakdown? Nah.


There were a lot of rumors swirling about Josh Duhon being difficult on the GH set, but I commend him for not running away and living in Brazil under an assumed name rather than take part in these scenes. 




Kate is


(a) playing Blanche Deveroux in the Port Charles dinner theater production of "The Best of The Golden Girls"

(b) The editor of a fashion magazine FOR THE BLIND

Although I suppose on a show where Carly is the great heroine in the history of ever, it's not out of the realm of possibility that the town fashionista wears outfits made of cupcake tins.


Okay, I don't have screencaps to prove it, but! This show continues to have no clue as to how to utilize a fake pregnancy belly, because Robin's stomach grew tremendously over the course of today's episode. Part of me expected Kelly to say "You're not having a boy or a girl, you're having a fucking freak of nature. What the hell kind of steroids are you on, Robin?"

(Part of me also expected Kelly to invent some new gender when she read the ultrasound, but that is neither here nor there)


Robin's belly was so ridiculously large all of a sudden in the sonogram scenes I was sure Kelly was at least going to say, "You're having a boy AND a girl! OMG twins!!!"

I agree totally. I have chosen NOT to watch GH at all now unless I hear that Scrubs will be on (& then I just skip to their 2 minute scenes only). I've been watching this show for 35+ yrs and have finally given up. But, I'm very sad because I just LOVE Robin & Patrick (Anna/Noah/Robert). Nightshift 2 is awesome...I don't miss a minute of it. Now, those people can write! So until I hear that Sonny & friends have left Port Charles, I will resort to watching Youtube clips only of Scrubs scenes.
(And, for the record, now that I know Vincent Pastore is joining the show, FORGET IT).

I'm afraid to write it here but, I think JMB has been taking acting classes from MB. I mean look at those screencaps alone, she is now a scenery eater. BARWARE BEWARE! I still remember when she arrived on GH. She was quirky, cute, very real, and had a real nuance about her in family scenes. I was actually pro SORASing Lulu because I liked JMB in the role so much. Now I can barely stand to look at her.

Guza has a real gift for ruining all the unique characters. If he doesn't kill you off, write you like an annoying invisible loser if he writes for you at all, then he turns you into what he loves.... a mini version of Sonny, Jason, or Carly, or at least one of their molls or superfans!

That's quite a gift Guza. You can turn gold into straw!!!

My brain has felt free to fire on all cylinders ever since I stopped watching the crapfest GH has become. Now I only keep up through spoilers and recaps, and judging by those I know I am not missing very much. It pains me to say it, but I am beginning to doubt that even Genie Francis, who turns everything she touches into gold, can salvage Lulu for me. JMB is a terrific actress, but I simply cannot stomach her character anymore.

The Nikolas/Nadine/Claudia triangle pains me as well. Although I do not especially care for Claudia, I find myself hoping that if Nikolas enters into a new relationship, it will be with her because she at least appears to be on the same maturity level as him, unlike Nadine, who seems better suited to be with someone like Spinelli (which, if memory serves, was how she was first introduced on the show. Oh, how far this show has fallen.) Thank you, Serial Drama, for finding the strength and courage to continue to watch this odious soap.

Here's my theory on the great expanding belly. They started the day, as usual, with the pillow. Then for later scenes they realized they had to show fake skin, and the only size they could find was ginormous. Rather than re-shoot, they ignored the discrepancy and made her wear the new belly for the rest of the day. I would not be surprised if she were smaller again the next time we see her.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! OMG, are those pictures of GhostLogan for real?!?!?!?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! *rolling around on floor*

*wiping tears from eyes* Okay, thank you for the laugh! Back to OLTL...

This blog entry brought the LOL's. Thank you for the ghost Logan caps.

GH might be sucking right now, but these posts really do ease the pain.

it feels like johnny and lulu have been on the run forever. I see the promos and scenes for rex and gigi on oltl and it blows jolu away! those are the 2 big couples abc is promoting this summer and the gh one is failing miserably. i got chills from the time travel scenes on oltl. anyway this whole show bites except for scrubs. you have a real couple with a sweet love story and their baby and than it switches to mob mode and you think are you even watching the same show. why this show doesnt showcase them as the super couple i will never know, i guess thats what NS is for. trust me switch to oltl you will thank me for it

Flashlights under the chin for a scary hallucination, thats just sad!! See this is what happens when you spend your entire production budget for the year so early on bad CGI of a very obviously fake warehouse blowing up and a very obviously fake car dangling off a very obviously fake bridge. I would feel bad for the heads of GH if they weren't so damn stupid and inept at their jobs, which they've keep getting rewarded for which only makes their stupidity and my anger grow!!

Thank you. Now when my advisor asks me how my dissertation is going I know exactly what to tell her, "My brain was broken by watching General Hospital. Blame them." Think it'll work?

I appreciate your calling out that outfit of Kate's b/c it is its own special kind of hideous. I could deal with the shirt but with THAT skirt? Just no...no, no, no, no. Did I mention no? I was guessing she got dressed in the dark so we were on the same wavelength.

I swear I thought that pick of LooLoo going all Howler monkey was OldColby. That is not a good thing.


When I recover from this gutwrenching laughter I will be back to make a sensible comment.

I do agree that the show is so bad that it makes "Passions" and "Medorra" on "OLTL" look more entertaining than this crap of a show. I wish the ratings fall and the network really have to get there butts in gear and start doing an overhaul with the tiic and get someone to save the show. I think Genie Francis is doing the stunt for JMB.

Mallory - I actually read yours and Becca's blogs more than I watch GH.

Ok - I ONLY ready the blogs - I have entirely quit watching GH. I may lurk on youtube every now and then when I hear Patrick and Robin are not having the SAME argument they have been having since they met THREE YEARS AGO.

I hear NS2 is beating the crap out of GH - maybe now someone with the authority to do so will throw Guza's ass on the street where it belongs. I mean alley.

I have recovered from my fit of laughter from reading your posts. You are truly funny!

I LOVE the hotness of Lucky Spencer. Yes,I do. I would do strange things for no change for that man.I quite like to see him,he just puts a smile on my face. Sam and Lucky are all kinds of hot. I love em.

Liason drives me to drink.Dull,duller,and dullest.For the love of chocolate,GH needs to fish or cut bait with this couple.

Lulu reminds me of a demented Pekingese. We need Cesar Milan ASAP. GH continues to cruelly toy with my emotions with these Perils Of Lulu stories.Each time,I hope she will die and it's nothing but a tease.Bastards.RuRu has NO chem with any man she's paired with.Curiously,they seem to sparkle with Maxie.

I adore Maxie,she can do no wrong in my book.Her and Spinelli are one sweet couple.

Everytime I sse GhostLogan,I get upset. He was so hot and would have made a Todd/Blair like pairing with Maxie,had GH chosen to write with sense.What a waste of a legacy character.

What the Samhill is Kate wearing? Ye Gods,I swear some days that she is either wearing a table cloth or a glittered up shower curtain. Her pairing with the Bensonhurst Hobbit also leaves me cold.I want Carly dead.NOW.The blonde sasquatch sucks.The limo sex with Sonny is scorched upon my soul.WHY is the witch still on GH?

Lastly,I love Nikolas and Claudia.Merciful heavens,I actually see chemistry with a GH couple. Nik/Emily The GhostHumper bored me to tears. Claudia is softer with him,he's darker with her.They just work for me.I have to give to to SB.She takes what she gets and manages to turn what should be an awful character around.

I love your columns,they make me laugh,while I suffer this increasingly dreary show.

"Flashlights under the chin for a scary hallucination, thats just sad!! See this is what happens when you spend your entire production budget for the year so early on bad CGI of a very obviously fake warehouse blowing up and a very obviously fake car dangling off a very obviously fake bridge."

Hey, now. Thos "special" effects were Guza's pride and joy, lol. He couldn't pat himself on the back enough for the "breath-taking" scenes of the car dangling off the bridge and the "remarkable" scenes of Jason on the speedboat to Windemere. Truly, I almost barfed at the time, and you've reminded me, Cate, that I'm still bitter. I guess that's where all the vets' salaries went... Um, yeah. That was a GREAT decision. :-(

The only characters I watch for on gh lately are Sam and Lucky. Sorry...but they are too gorgeous and cute for words. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. They bring a refreshing and new aspect to this otherwise dismal soap. I look forward to their scenes and enjoy them multiple times.

LSD is one of the best ways to get an hallucination, of course mushrooms as well, but the easiest way I believe is by LSD, a friend of my try it and he told me that it is an incredible ride, but in order for a good trip the mood plays a key role.

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