Serial Drama

The Sun Rising in the East is Less Predictable Than This Show

Gosh, what a typically soapy afternoon on General Hospital yesterday. 

There was a big black-tie wedding, attended by half the town, capping off an allegedly great romance between the show's leading man and his latest true love forever.  The gowns were fancy, the hair was high, the resentments and jealousies were varied and widespread.  A good soapy time was about to be had by all.

And then a hollow-point bullet tore through the torso and couture gown of the bride.

These things happen! 

If you were surprised by this turn of events, might I suggest that you occasionally leave the house?  Or wish you the best of luck with that 50 First Dates-esque memory problem in which you retain no information for longer than 24 hours?  Because if you've done the whole "watched GH even semi-regularly" thing before, you found this development as surprising as Clay Aiken coming out.

I hate this show.

Primetime Suds: Two Weeks, Four Shows, Two Bloggers With Overworked TiVos

We took a brief hiatus from Primetime Suds last week because...well, all there was to say was that Gossip Girl was relentlessly fabulous and 90210 was the polar opposite, which everybody already knew. But this week saw more relentless fabulosity

and the polar opposite of that

as well as the return of everybody's favorite Seattle based medical professionals

and a deliciously soapy marathon

Our thoughts after the jump!

Is There a Government Bailout for Creative Bankruptcy?

You guys know that, in general, I avoid spoilers.  While I would like to say that my reasons for doing so are as well-thought-out as Mallory's, in truth lately they are really just a combination of laziness and early-onset senility.  I can't be bothered to track down spoilers from the various sources, plus I fear I would forget what had actually happened versus what I read in a spoiler.  (I forgot my zip code for a good ten minutes the other day.  I mean, really.)  But certain spoilers are unavoidable, especially if they appear in that publication that is crazy enough to continue to pay us to spout off our wacky opinions.  So that's how I came across this most recent Days spoiler -- perusing the breaking news pages of Soap Opera Digest.  I'm sitting there, innocently flipping the pages, looking for a James Scott or Jason Thompson two-full-page shirtless photo (as I always do), when I read the news that has me convinced that the Days of Our Lives writers are, without question, out of ideas. 

Spoiler after the jump.  (I think there is a promo out about this already so maybe it's not much of a spoiler, but just in case, don't click through if you want to remain pristine.  In which case -- aren't you cute?)

Words Don't Do It Justice: Only Gibberish Can Describe My Excitement

!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!

I try, for the most part, to refrain from reading spoilers. Partly because I am still naively hoping to be surprised by plot twists which...you wonder how I don't fall down more. And I also try to avoid spoilers so that I don't judge stories unfarily, sight unseen. It makes way more sense to wait for the story to start and THEN judge. Patience is a virtue and all that.

But, in a beautiful instance of serendipity, I accidentally read a spoiler that was so glorious, and so insanely perfect that it completely salvaged a day that was marred by torrential downpours and accidentally searing my hand with my flatiron.

If you want to remain unspoiled, do not keep reading. But if you want a hint of the most amazing thing to happen to Pine Valley in years (Petey Cortlandt notwithstanding), join me in walking on air after the jump!

Dirty Sexy Soapy Money

You guys know about my love of soapy marathons.  I will watch almost any of them.  Well, except the ones of a week's worth of any of the current shows every weekend on SOAPNet.  I'm not a masochist, people.  But truly, there is nothing that warms my TV-loving heart like a marathon of a show I actually like.  So imagine my delight upon receiving an email from SOAPNet that not only contained news about an actual soap opera, but a marathon of that soap opera!  Tomorrow, September 27th, from 9am to 7pm, SOAPNet is showing the first season of the deliciously soapy Dirty Sexy Money. 

But how could I justify watching such a thing, taking an entire day out of my first socially busy weekend in eons, without seeming like a big dumb soaps-addicted loser?  Well, fortunately, the most awesome thing happened:  I had an appendectomy late Wednesday night!  I can sit on my couch and watch the marathon unashamed, with the full endorsement of my friends and loved ones!  How cool is that?  My life rocks.

If you don't understand my glee, clearly you are not a Dirty Sexy Money viewer.  The cast is fabulous (Peter Krause, Donald Sutherland, and Jill Clayburgh, let alone the rest of the ensemble -- dude), the storylines center around an improbably wealthy and OTT family called -- not kidding -- the Darlings, and the soapiness includes but is by no means limited to a transgendered woman having an affair with the attorney general of New York and and a philandering minister who tries to pass off his love child as a Swedish orphan.  I truly love this show.  It's probably the soapiest primetime show out there.  And I mean that as a compliment.  Really! 

But let's say that you actually have, you know, a life (and/or a healthy appendix) and cannot take a day out of your weekend to spend watching even a worthy nighttime soap.  Well, ABC has put together a four-minute summary of Dirty Sexy Money's first season.  Check it out:

Eric Braeden is Legen-Wait For It-Dary

I've been way harsh on Eric Braden recently (by "recently", I obviously mean "for the past decade and not unjustifiably harsh, because seriously!") and, wouldn't you know it, he turns around and does something guaranteed to get him back in my good graces, which I'm sure he was completely concerned about: he's guest starring on How I Met Your Mother as Robin's dad. Awesome. So, so awesome.

If you watch How I Met Your Mother, can we talk for a second about how brilliant it is? And how criminal it is that Jeremy Piven walked away with the Emmy Neil Patrick Harris so richly deserved? And how terrifying it is that this show is always on the verge of cancellation? It's like quality means nothing in this crazy world.

And if you're not watching How I Met Your Mother, you are foolish. I say that with love. Watching it will make your life better. It's wonderful! It managed to make JAMES VAN DER BEEK awesome. I know! We're talking really fantastic, here.

Night Shift Episode 10: Brothers and Sisters

PREVIOUSLY on General Hospital: Night Shift, Robin planned to lend Jagger money; despite being in a real life, grown up relationship with Saira, "Leo" slept with Claire as she went on the downward spiral you go on when a guy you knew for a week and a half dies; Epiphany and Billy Dee Williamszzzzz; Robin and Jagger had an awkward moment; Becca mused that she'd be okay with an exploration of the Robin/Jagger thing in the future and created utter chaos.

Patrick is walking down the hallway carrying a box and calling Robin on his cell phone. He leaves a long, rambling message, saying that he emailed her but hasn't heard back yet, perhaps because she's still sleeping. He fumbles and stutters and asks her to call him when she gets a chance. He then swipes his ID card to get into a supply closet and is greeted with the sight of Billy Dee and Epiphany full on making out. He drops his box and stares at them with abject horror on his face.

Kyle asks Claire, who continues in her quest to be visual proof that headbands don't work on everyone, why she prescribed such a huge dose of medicine for a patient with osteoporosis. She freaks for a second, and explains that she's been out of sorts, what with the guy she went to high school with who she didn't know until he showed up at the hospital six days ago becoming her true love and then dying. He tries to cheer her up with gossip, which is a tried and true way to make me feel better, at least. He dishes that he knows something crazy about his brother and, as Claire starts to quietly die, he excitedly says that "Leo" is dating Saira.

Speaking of..."Leo" is studying his chart, and Saira remarks that he has a busy night ahead of him. Nosy Josie then suggests that he have an intern observe a micro valve replacement, and says his brother could do it.

Then we go to a few back and forth scenes:

...Claire is trying to pretend to be surprised/interested/not guilty about the "Leo" news and Kyle is still in shock that his brother was able to land such a catch...

...while his catch-landing brother sneers that he won't work with Kyle. Saira wonders why "Leo" is so hard on Kyle, and "Leo" gives the succinct, on point answer that Kyle is a kiss ass...

...a kiss ass who wonders if his brother will be easier on them now that he's getting laid regularly...

...but even regular sex isn't going to make "Leo" any fonder of his brother and he reiterates that he won't work with Kyle...

...who tells Claire that the less he has to see his brother, the better...

and then both pairs walk right into each other, when all of a sudden Kathleen Noone walks in, wearing an ugly scarf that looks like a pattern you'd find on a couch, loudly wonders what she has to do to see a doctor. In unison, the Julian brothers exclaim "MOM!" but the looks on their faces couldn't be any more different: Kyle looks like he's on cloud nine, while "Leo" looks like he's about to be sick. Kathleen Noone holds her arm out for hugs, and Kyle beams and practically sprints over to her. "Leo" observes from a safe distance.

By the way, I finally realized who Kyle reminds me of: he is the real life embodiment of Martin Prince. It's uncanny.

I Am So Not Used To This Feeling

Brace yourselves, people, because what I am about to say is going to shock you. Like, the for real kind of shocking you, not the "Soap character overhears the last bit of a sentence they weren't supposed to and thinks they know what's going on and the people talking are shocked and horrified but it turns out that the soap character was grossly mistaken" kind of shocking that passes for a cliffhanger on most soaps. Because something on General Hospital was good today. I know! And you're not going to guess what it was.

Jason and Liz's scene on today's episode was, by far, the best scene to air on this show in weeks and, while that is damning with faint praise, I am being completely sincere. It was de -- wait for it -- lightful. Delightful.

I know! It shocked the hell out of me, too. I haven't enjoyed this pairing since back when Tyler Christopher was still Tyler Baker, and I do not like Jason and probably won't for the foreseeable future. But I do not have a heart of stone, people, and it was genuinely sweet to see Jason invite Liz to Italy, considering that the idea of going to Italy together has been such a huge part of their relationship, dating back to, like...what, 2000 or so? Very cute. And I'm more than a little shocked that the writers went back into GH history without the direct intention to ruin it.

Becky Herbst was, as per usual, criminally gorgeous

It's COMPLETELY unfair that one human being is so flawless.

Steve Burton was completely endearing in this scene, by the way, which proves that he IS capable of bringing it when he wants to, which makes it all the more irritating that he only wants to, like, half a dozen times a year.

The rest of the show, however, blows.

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I have no familiarity with estate law, and everything I know about legitimacy comes from soap operas and Tudor History, so I may be wrong, but...

John: As if you care. Look...I'm not of the mind to argue with you about this right now. Besides, there's nothing to discuss when it comes to the empire as you put it. I win, you lose.
Stefano: I beg to differ.
John: Any judge in the land would agree that part, if not all, of everything DiMera belongs to me.

John: I'm your half brother. And the seed money to start our empire came from DiMera shipping, our father, Santo's, company.
Stefano: Hmm. So what? DiMera shipping -- it's nothing compared to what I am worth today, all right? It was my business talent that made Santo's company thrive. I was the one who showed them the way to make it grow, huh? To make investments that would pay off even more so? And I made it work.
John: Well, the way I see it, half of everything my father owned should have come to me, but it didn't...so, legally, I'm at least half owner of everything you managed to build. And seeing as how you were already more than halfway home to losing everything, that seems to put me in...pole position.

I don't think that's how it works.

1. Santo didn't know John existed, so unless he had a clause in his will leaving money to any possible spawn he may have roaming around without his knowledge, John's out of luck. Too bad, so sad.

2. Even if John had a point, which he does not (that statement works on several levels...), wouldn't he only be entitled to half of his father's money? And not the money that Stefano made? Why would he get any part of the DiMera empire? And can I say how hilarious it is that they just casually refer to it in conversation as the empire? But really, is that how it works? Do you just get to swoop in and take your sibling's money? I am seriously rethinking my career path here. I don't want to become a famous blogger/handbag designer only to have one of my brothers try to lay claim to it!

3. Didn't this exact story happen when John was all of a sudden an Alamain?

4. How many backstories is this character going to have before it becomes so mind-bogglingly stupid that the collective viewing audience loses their mind in unison one afternoon? Do you think Drake Hogestyn gets confused by all the backstories? Because I would. I would need to carry a crib sheet around with me. "Pawn Roman John Forrest Priest Ryan Brady"

5. I'm pretty sure I just put more thought into this storyline than Dena Higley has.

Pain Valley

Did you know that Connie Fletcher, who once played the utterly useless and bafflingly bland Erin Lavery, is married to Aaron Staton, who plays Ken Cosgrove on Mad Men?

Furthermore, did you know that Mad Men is a remarkably brilliant show and that Christina Hendricks may, in fact, be the sexiest human being on television these days and yes, I am saying she's even hotter than Jason Thompson and James Scott (Yes, I went there). And also, did you know she was in a Lifetime movie called Hunger Point, which starred Barbara Hershey, who is apparently starring in a new Anne of Green Gables movie that, judging from the IMDB listing, is the biggest bunch of bullshit to ever exist and whose plot description LITERALLY made me wheeze and cry because I can forgive television an awful lot of things like unaborting fetuses or or turning Australian bumblers into ice cold British terrorists but I cannot forgive television for screwing up the legacy of Anne Shirley, I just cannot. That is just...Anne is not an orphan? Are you people kidding me? This is why hippies don't watch TV and judge others for doing so, because TV sometimes does things that should be prosecutable in a court of law.

Perhaps the above says that I have too much time on my hands if I am randomly reading articles on wikipedia, or maybe it says that I should possibly consider not taking YA fiction quite so seriously, but above all what it says is that...I will go to all sorts of lengths to keep my discussion of AMC on the purely tangential level.

When I saw that Tamara Braun is joining the cast as Bianca's girlfriend, my first instinct was to do a slow motion "Nooooooo! Tamara, save yourseeeeeeeelf!", which quickly gave way to...what the eff do the people at ABC Daytime offer stars to come join one of their, um, quality soap programs? Genie Francis, Vincent Irrizarry, Tamara Braun. Whatever it is, it probably can't be worth the pain that comes along with acting out some of the, um, "entertaining" "stories" the AMC and GH writers come up with.

On the plus side, Bianca returning with Tamara's character as her love interest means that she and Zarf didn't fall in love and have a thousand babies together, so, you know, that's a pleasant surprise. Nicely done, Charless Pratt, Jr.