Primetime Suds: Two Weeks, Four Shows, Two Bloggers With Overworked TiVos
We took a brief hiatus from Primetime Suds last week because...well, all there was to say was that Gossip Girl was relentlessly fabulous and 90210 was the polar opposite, which everybody already knew. But this week saw more relentless fabulosity
and the polar opposite of that
as well as the return of everybody's favorite Seattle based medical professionals
Our thoughts after the jump!
You guys, we're reasonably certain that the muckity mucks could solve this whole financial crisis thingie if everyone could just sit down together and watch Gossip Girl. It's even set in New York! It would be way inspiring. You know if people were faced with the threat of Blair Waldorf's wrath that they'd put their noses to the grindstone with a quickness.
What happened to our favorite uber wealthy Manhattanites...and the Humphreys over the past two weeks?
We love Blair so much, that we don't even care about the fact that she appears to be incapable of wearing a headband in the proper place on her head.
Or that every item of clothing she owns includes a large bow.
But if gift wrapping herself and haphazardly wearing turbans is what makes her so succinctly bitchy, we’re all for it. As ever, Ms. Waldorf supplied the most hilarious of quips
[To Nate] Hold that non-thought
Everything you need to know about Chuck you can learn from this outfit.
How brilliant was the reveal that Chuck purchased Dan’s rebound girl for the specific purpose of enraging Serena so much that she took back her role as Queen Bee, thereby dethroning Blair, who will then be so dejected that she’ll turn to Chuck?
CHUCK AND BLAIR
Their scenes during the blackout were probably the hottest scenes on television in the last six months. Quick, off the top of your head, name a daytime soap that had a scene sexier than this.
You totally can’t.
The only (and we do mean only) reason that Dan hasn’t completely been written off as dead to us is that Penn Badgely is adorable, and brings enough charm to the role that, most of the time, Dan’s likability gets the same amount of screen time as his condescending awfulness.
Not so the past two weeks, though. From his confrontation with Serena in the elevator to his absolutely vicious, judgmental dismissal of her this week at the nightclub, he’s been epically horrible.
Kind of hilarious, though, that since the show's very first episode he's been whining about what an outcast he is. He'll surely find out very soon that being an outcast is far better than being a total pariah.
If only we had more opportunities in life to say the words, "Sound the trumpets, strumpets"! That's pure poetry. Kristen Bell has the perfect voice for narration.
Gossip Girl's eponymous website also gave us last week's hilarious scene with pint-sized busybodies. We're with you, Team Serena girl!
Seriously, Taylor Momsen is either a parentless, guardianless lost soul, or she is 42. For real. And yes, that's not about the show, per se, but do you really want us to discuss Jenny? Didn't think so. (The best thing about those photos is one of the first responses on that ONTD post is the utterly simple and brilliant "OMGWUT?" We now have entire email chains conducted with links to photos and the complete sentence: OMGWUT? Bolded if we seriously need to know oh my god what the hell is going on there.)
Oh, Chace Crawford. You're so pretty.
We'll leave it at that.
We're becoming dangerously close to being broken records with our constant "OMG SO AWESOME", but how else can we describe the moment when Serena steeled herself and regained her throne as Queen of Constance Billiard if we don't say "OMG SO AWESOME"?
Because it was! We're anticipating loving, adoring and worshiping Serena's bitchiness.
Remember when Vanessa was all awesome when she turned Nate down because the crazy duchess threatened to tell the FBI where Nate's dad is hiding? It seems so long ago, perhaps because it lasted a mere four minutes.
She showed surprising savvy by taking Dan's advice to go to Blair for help after discovering Marcus and Catherine totally doing it
but she proved that her awesomeness and savvy were fleeting, because she promptly ignored all of Blair's orders and effed everything up. Thanks for justifying our hatred of you, V!
Maybe she is so lame because she spends lots of time pondering why her hair looks like it does and that takes all the attention she should be focusing on other things, like being likable.
5 OBSERVATIONS WE HAVE ABOUT 90210
We'd say "5 Things We Like About 90210" or "5 Really Awful Things About 90210", but both of those statements imply that we have some sort of emotional investment in this show, which we do not, because it's rather difficult to be invested in the television equivalent of oatmeal.
1. JESSICA WALTER IS A GODDESS
That's the one positive thing we're willing to go on the record with. Any viewer of Arrested Development is well versed in how cosmically talented this woman is, but she always finds a way to surprise you with her genius.
We believe this clip needs no further introduction. It's the most amazing thing in the world.
2. DYLAN IS THE FATHER OF KELLY'S SON
Which, in retrospect, duh! We should have known better than to even think that Brandon was a candidate, as if he'd ever let his child be raised away from his strict moral code and sideburn maintenance rituals.
This revelation is going to be a major letdown if they don't convince Luke Perry to take a break from whatever community theater set-building gig he currently has to appear on this little "drama" and stir up some classic Kelly-Dylan angst. At least give the girl a legit chance to choose herself again. Every woman in her 30s deserves that.
We do have to admit, though, that the most compelling part of the big reveal scene was Brenda's face. Shannen Doherty is the reason both of us are seriously considering macriobiotic diets, plenty of sleep and regular deep conditioning. Because, seriously.
Don't do drugs, kids!
3. ANNIE'S ATTEMPTEDzzzzzzzzzz
Oh, sorry, what we meant to say was that Annie's attempted devirginization was predictably thwarted by the increasingly unhinged, drug-addicted whatshername.
Wouldn't the girl from Kansas not being a virgin have been a little more interesting? Yawnville.
We even got to see some "hilarious" and "wacky" condom hijinx with Ethan and Annie.
Because that hasn't been done to death on every teen drama and sitcom ever.
Speaking of sex, Dixon and Silver have potential, but they absolutely cannot make out like that again, because we spent the entire scene on the edge of our seats, worried that one of Silver's teenie tiny arms or clavicle bones would snap and sever Dixon's jugular, forcing him to head to the great beyond without ever having Hit That. Would there have been a worse tragedy in Beverly Hills since Mary Tyler Moore's last face lift?
4. NAOMI CONTINUES TO BE BORING
How do you mess up the character of the bad girl with secret pain? How is that even possible? You can look back at every television show ever produced and rip them off if you need to. Anything is preferable to the endless dead air that happens whenever she and her family's boring drama is onscreen.
Of course, this may have something to do with the fact that she looks to be the same age as her parents.
Vanessa from Gossip Girl and Naomi should be part of a crossover episode exploring the perils of being 65 and still in high school.
5. TRISTAN WILDS IS ADORABLE
Seriously! We're not the quality minded kind of people who watched The Wire, but we heard that he was genius on that show and we can believe it. It's so sad that he's languishing here, as one of the most dull characters on a dull show.
As further evidence of his adorableness, and because this is the most interesting Dixon-related thing to happen in several weeks, please congratulate regular Serial Drama reader Danielle on this adorably adorable photo of her and Tristan Wilds last week at the Washington, DC premiere of The Secret Life of Bees.
We've had sort of a rollercoaster kind of relationship with Grey's Anatomy: we started out completely loving it, and we feel like the second season is pretty close to television perfection, but then things went off the rails and then the thing with George and Izzie doing...that...happened and everything went to hell.
However, after the season premiere, we're tentatively optimistic about the new season. A few random, mostly optimistic observations:
- Clearly, the writers have an in with Katherine Heigl's salon, because that cut is obvious retribution for the whole "I didn't get any Emmy-worthy material this year" incident.
We look forward to an entire season of the cast, crew, assorted behind the scenes people and random passersby taking their frustrations out on the wholly irritating Heigl. (We used to love her! Then she started, you know, talking. Opining. Bitching. Moaning. Being. Now we hate her.)
- If you had been told that there would be a redheaded military guy who stapled his own leg without anethesia and yanked a large icicle out of Christina's torso without warning, the idea that said guy would out-hot both McDreamy and McSteamy wouldn't have been the next thought you had, right? You would have been wrong. So very wrong. What is up with that? Come back, Irish guy! You get "Mc" nicknames at Seattle Grace! You'll fit right in!
- There are few things in the world more wonderful than watching Chandra Wilson do her thing. She is just supporting actress perfection. She brings something to every scene she's in, but without any of the "hey! look at me!" qualities that other people tend to bring to similar roles. We love her. Plus she's a daytime soaps fan. What is not to adore?
- People are finally calling out Meredith on her...Meredithness, and it sort of rules. The woman's best friend is literally impaled on a potentially deadly object and she is still effing yammering on about the same shit she's been yammering on about since we first saw her leopard flats. Please, Meredith, we beg of you, SHUT UP. And also, please see a facialist.
(Sure, it's mean, but it has to be said: Ellen Pompeo's skin looks like a layer of rubber cement over 50-grit sandpaper. It's disturbing. And also possibly another excellent PSA against smoking, but at the very least disturbing. And we don't even have HD! Those of you who do have our sympathies.)
- Callie and Erica are kind of bizarre together, and yet kind of fun, no? Callie's always been a strange character and it seems like the writers never knew what to do with Sara Ramirez, but this has potential.
Okay, so technically Dirty Sexy Money wasn't new this week, but it did have that fabulous SOAPNet marathon, and it is premiering on Wednesday, so it counts.
We're completely excited for the new season and have high hopes that it will be as utterly wonderful as the first, all-too-short season. Below, a list of our 10 Favorite Dirty Sexy Moments, in no particular order, because each is as awesome as the next
1. Nick interrogates the Darling kids about the sex tape. Just when you think that Karen singing "Babe, I Love You" is even funnier than Jeremy revealing that he once had a Buddy Ebsen sex tape, along comes Brian's "How can you live with yourself?"
2. Tripp suggesting that Nick try Letitia's birthday as the password for Dutch's briefcase and the expression of utter pain and heartbreak that flashes over his face for a brief second. Donald Sutherland is an absolute genius.
3. Brian Jr. reveals that he is not actually a Swedish orphan. Gustav was one of our favorite running jokes from the first season, and the little boy who plays Brian Jr. has fantastic comic timing...
4. As well as the ability to tug at your heartstrings, because the scene where Brian says goodbye to him is absolutely heartbreaking.
5. Karen demanding a divorce after being married for five minutes. We didn't watch Passions when Natalie Zea was playing Gwen, so this is our first exposure to her, and she is effing brilliant.
6. You kind of figured that Brian would be the Darling child revealed to be Dutch's son (Becca's non-TV-watching mother called it 30 seconds after the reveal that there was a non-Darling in the Darling bunch), but it doesn't make the scene where Nick finds out that Brian is his brother any less compelling.
7. Ellen shooting Patrick was fabulously soapy. Because, OF COURSE that's what happened when the wife of an attorney general turned senate candidate does when she gets fed up with his ongoing dalliance with his transgendered lover. It makes perfect sense.
8. Lest you think that Karen is just a spoiled, self-centered flightmonster, the scene where we learn that she is in on the Simon plotting with Tripp puts her in a whole new light. A whole new, cunning, soapy light.
9. The ring tones Nick's assistant programs for the Darling kids still make us giggle: "Hallelujah" for Brian, "You're a Rich Girl" for Juliet, "Born to Be Wild" for Jeremy, "Pretty Woman" for Karen. It's the little things that make this show fabulous. Well, the big things too, but the little things are awesome too!
10. Jeremy and Juliet's dueling birthday parties were epic, so epic that we urge you to read the Television Without Pity recap to remind yourselves of the hilarity.
This week will bring the season premieres of, among other things, Dirty Sexy Money and Private Practice, not to mention more Gossip Girl awesomeness tonight. It's a wonder we ever leave our houses.