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« Our Column in the 10/14 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | Farewell To a True Daytime Legend »

October 08, 2008

This Show Is Breath Taking. Interpret That How You Wish

General Hospital continues to innately know how to entertain their viewers. It's a gift, you know? Some shows have to, like, try hard with their "cast integration" and "well thought out storylines", but...doesn't it make you better at something if you can be awesome at it without even trying?! Everything on the show right now is just so great.

Take, for example, the revelation that Sonny has a son...with Kate's cousin! Scandalous, am I right? Let's look at all of the elements that make this story awesome:

  • Sonny really doesn't have enough kids on canvas. And, you know, one of his sons is in a coma, so I think he needed a replacement son. Just imagine the feuds that will happen between Michael and Dante when Michael wakes up. Get your popcorn popped, because that is going to be fabulous!
  • Two brand new characters! Eeeee!!! There was simply no room on this show for Emily Quartermaine, or Georgie Jones, but who needs them, anyway, right? Olivia and Dante may not have the same "legacy" or whatever, but they'll totally rule
  • More Sonny! He totally doesn't get the attention that he deserves on this show

And how about Vincent Pastore?!


It's great that he's taking time out of his busy reality tv show hopping schedule to pop by Port Charles. And now he'll learn about what the mob is REALLY like and the way The Sopranos just glossed over the actual mafia business. Plus, more Max and Milo, and Jason! My Magic 8 Ball says...this is going to kick ass!

...okay, none of that, at all, is in the same hemisphere as being true, but I figured that if I maybe buttered up the powers-that-be, they'd be placated and ease up a little on driving the audience crazy. But who am I kidding, right?

Fact: when I heard that Sonny's child is Dante Angelo Falconeri, I noticed how similar DAF is to DIAF, a phrase I believe Bob Guza says to his viewers every day.

I refuse to say anything further on the subject of Vincent Pastore, because I can only imagine the glee Bob Guza has at having an actual Sopranos cast member on his Sopranos ripoff, and I will not give him the satisfaction of acknowledging it with a comment. Also, all comments I have would basically be expletives strung together between random punctuation marks and ellipses which, though highly descriptive of my GH induced mental state, are not fun to read.

Okay, wait, I lied, here is one thing I have to say on the subject: if Max's father is a big named mobster named MAXimus Giambetti, why did no one ever put two and two together? Not one mobster--okay, Sonny and Jason aren't that bright, but, like Diane never said "You know, there's a hugely powerful mobster with the same exact name as you. Crazy!" I know the GH writers think that we are all idiots, but COME ON. They couldn't have given his father a different name? Stupid effing show.


Sonny having a long-lost son is terrible on so many fronts. I am trying to think of how this could POSSIBLY be interesting, and then I realized what a futile endeavor this was, because even if Dante was the most awesome new character to hit Port Charles in eons--well, first of all, we said the same thing about Kate, and looked what happened to her! RUINED. In the blink of an eye. But even more than that, this guy could be fantastic and played by the best actor in the world and the entire thing would still be loathsome because Sonny's greasy self would be mumbling up in it.

AND we're going to have to see Carly reacting to the news that Sonny has another son (Psychic vision: I see shrieking) AND we're going to have to see some Zacchara bullshit conference about it AND we're going to have to see Jason blink and stare blankly when he hears the news.

(Yes, it's ridiculous that I am this irritated over something that hasn't really gone anywhere yet. This insanity is a function of this show. I am filing paperwork for a class action lawsuit as we speak)


You know who I love? Robin and Patrick.

And you know what I'd love for the characters I love? An actual storyline that doesn't involve sitcom plots passed up by the writers of Two and a Half Men and That Crappy Show With Brad Garrett.


I mean, seriously. The writing for them utterly depresses me. Kimberly McCullough deserves better. Jason Thompson deserves better. The thirty six people watching deserve better. I see what the writers are going for--something more light hearted, and whimsical and cute, which I think works for them and could be tres adorable if done properly--but, as is so often the case with the GH writers, they land about a thousand miles from where they aimed to be.

And on the Drake subject: remember how Matt and Patrick are brothers? Yeah, I think we are the only ones who do...


Greg Vaughan holding a baby continues to be one of the world wonders.


Jake? Soooo not impressed with Sam. That baby is clearly thinking "I'll never forget, bitch".


Nadine is too stupid to live.


I actually get headaches watching her. There is nothing sweet and endearing about her.  What is supposed to, I think, be naive spunkiness comes across as severely brain damaged and annoying. Whether it's her total meltdown over her ridiculous assumption that Nikolas and Carly were hooking up to her (...I'd say "ill advised", but with Nadine, that qualifier is wholly unnecessary) decision to dress up like a maid to snoop in Jerry's hotel room, I just have no patience for her. "Tee hee! I am going to rip off an episode of The Nanny and sneak into the hotel room of a terrorist! What could possibly go wrong?!?!"

Unless this turns out to be a PSA about, like, the dangers of huffing, I am not understanding her at all.


The show is not all bad, though: Ric and Claudia are nuclear hot together.


If they both weren't horribly written characters whose morals, histories, motivations and purposes changed on a daily basis, they could have potential for something great. If only Sarah Brown and Rick Hearst were on a different show!


Liz and Jason made me cringe today. Her surprise that the business and everything business related would always come first. Seriously? You have this epiphany on October 8th, 2008? Your first hint wasn't...um, everything that has happened since since AJ's car accident? Really? You're better than that, Liz.

Her bitchface upon seeing Sam and Lucky macking on her couch (!!! What would Miss Manners say?!) was a thing of beauty, though.


Oh, Becky Herbst, you rule in so many ways. But, as a friend, I must urge you to go back to dark hair. I'm just saying.

Screencaps courtesy of LizNJase


Of course, it would be with Robin and Patrick, who could hotly be showering....

MMMMM...me likey!

OR they could just do a "Patrick Hotly Showering" scene and gradually have old characters passing through the bathroom at the same time. We'd be so mesmerized by Patrick that we'd forget what happened to them in the first place, and they could just resume their normal lives....

Or we could just do 60 min. a day of Patrick Hotly Showering on GH....it's 5000 times better than any storyline they have currently! Now THAT'S something I could get a bowl of popcorn behind for an hour a day! And I'd pay to remove the commercials! Woot!

I laughed so hard at your Baby Jake comment - I lodged a Cheeto. Brilliant!

One more comment - Nadine went down in a maid uniform and woke up in a hippy sweater - seems Jerry keeps alot of tricks in that closet...

Guza Writing 101: Keep adding characters: you can always kill them off -- along with legacy characters. Killing characters is ALWAYS good for sweeps, and there are four sweep periods per year, so let's kill off at least four characters each year. Or more. If that doesn't win you an emmy for writing, just keep changing/adding to a character's history. Keep your audience begging for more with erratic character behavior, love stories that go nowhere and confusing story lines. Consistency and story arcs are boring, boring, boring. Re-write the past any way you damn well please. For real writer's block, just remember three words: Jason, Jason and Jason.

Let those 'hacks' have 'General Hospital: Night Shift'; I've [Guza] got 'General Hospital: The Soapranos.'

Guza, DIAF...

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