General Hospital: By The Numbers
4: Number of days General Hospital has been on thus far this week
60: Minutes of each episode of General Hospital, counting commercials
240: Minutes of General Hospital on this week, total, counting commercials
232: Minutes of General Hospital on this week in which Sonny was on-screen or mentioned
1: Non-General Hospital related commercials that managed to subtly refer to Sonny
*Okay, SunnyD mentions "Sunny", not "Sonny", but it's close enough and the advertisement comes on often enough that I think there must be a sinister link somewhere
Endless: Amount that I am disturbed by the commercials Alan Thicke does for timeshares in Las Vegas. That may have nothing to do with GH, but I felt it needed to be said anyway. Why, Jason Seaver, why?
232: Minutes during General Hospital that I spent bored
3: Times I painted my nails during General Hospital this week
17: Times I spent aimlessly writing my name to help deal with my boredom
2: Scenes in which Claudia Zacchara was inserted for no real purpose
*Completely random involvement in the Max/Milo/Maximus shenanigans, and I use the word "shenanigans" loosely because that implies some sort of joyfulness and fun, and not stupidity
*Sparring with Olivia, a scene that I assume was written to fulfill the "If we have to have two women in a scene together, they need to talk about Sonny and also call each other bitch and/or whore. Bonus points if they do both" demands of Bob Guza
38: Approximate amount of times this week that Claudia was referred to as a whore or a bitch, or, and I quote, "A rank, skeevy bitch"
24: Minutes I spent searching for a store that sells the kind of..."shirt" Claudia wore just to see how much that concentrated ugly retails for
0: Stores I found that sell that kind of shirt. Not even Frederick's of Hollywood! I think it might be part of a figure skating costume...
1: Completely hilarious Jason Thompson reaction shot to the Claudia/Olivia throwdown
10: Hours a week I would watch a Patrick/Coleman buddy comedy
Patrick: Ok. Anyways, Robin and Sonny, they met through -- well, shared a close bond because of Stone Cates.
Coleman: Stone Cates? As in Stone Cates Memorial Aids wing at the hospital?
Coleman: He's not the son in question, is he?
Patrick: With all due respect, Coleman, it's a memorial wing.
0: Percent it makes sense for Patrick to be involved in the Sonny paternity secret storyline at all
1: More time I can tolerate hearing the phrase "It [isn't/wasn't] your secret to tell" on this show before my head explodes
1: Sentence Maxie spoke to prove once and for all that she is the only person in this town with any semblance of sense, and should probably be elected Mayor ASAP
Robin: You know, my feet have just been so swollen lately. Maybe I should just go barefoot.
Maxie: Please don't say things like that to me again, ok? I still have a bad heart.
2: : Adorable outfits Maxie wore this week
0: Percent likelihood that I will ever get over the brutal, unnecessary murder of Georgie
Maxie: Oh. Well, I really wish Georgie was going to be here because she would be a much more suitable choice.
Robin: Georgie would want you to do it. And if that's emotional blackmail, I really don't care. So will you please be my maid of honor?
750-1: Odds that the Patrick/Robin wedding will be a sweet, beautiful event written by Awesome Writer and not a wacky mess
3: Number of Duh Faces exhibited by Sonny
Someone is really hoping to hold onto his title from last year!
2: Number of times I agreed with something that Effing Carly said
Carly: Oh, he's great. He's patient, and he's caring. I mean, he loves those boys. Well, I was going to say he loves those boys more than his own life, but that's not true. Michael was shot because of the choices Sonny's made -- he's continuing to make.
Carly: Kate asked to see me. She wanted me to talk Sonny out of going after Karpov. It's kind of pathetic, her lying there helpless and stupid.
*The latter is kind of bitchy and mean-spirited, but you have to give her props for being succinct, and that's exactly how Kate is these days
2: Number of times I yelled out to an empty room "I can't believe I just agreed with something that Effing Carly said"
10: Minutes I spent transfixed by Laura Wright's perfect hair
2: Times Carly referred to Kate as a phony with such disdain that I had The Catcher in the Rye flashbacks.
4: Awesome truth telling quotes from Olivia
Olivia: Stop deluding yourself, Connie. This is -- this is not about protecting you or anybody else. This is like Sonny when he was a kid. He's crazy mad, and he can justify it any way he wants, but this is about revenge. He's going to hit, and he's going to keep hitting until the other guy's got to beg for mercy.
Olivia: Yeah, well, Connie sees Sonny the way he wants to see himself. You know, that's very attractive. Why be with some girl who's going to call you on all your crap and kick your butt, when you can be with someone who's going to give you the benefit of every doubt and make up excuses for you before you even can make them up for yourself? I mean, here's the beauty part for Sonny. Connie will never admit that she's wrong, so if she says that he's good and noble, that is how she will play it, even if it kills her.
Olivia: Sonny is a violent, dangerous criminal who gets the people around him shot. You are exhibit "a" on this subject. Now he's gearing up to go after the person who shot you and commit even more violence. Now, I'm very sorry, Connie, if you are worried about him, but you will not use my child to save Sonny from himself.
Olivia: I saw the truth, Connie, which is what you could never see. Sonny was a dark, angry child who grew up to be a dark, angry man. He cared about power and money a hell of a lot more than he ever cared about love, ok? And nothing has changed. You did yourself a big, fat favor when you didn't meet him to run away with him that night, because he would have broke your heart and he would have gotten you killed. What he would not have done is gotten out of the mob for you or for Dante or for anyone else.
Kate: He did quit.
Olivia: Oh, Connie, for five minutes while he was doing deals on the side, which got you shot. Now, I'm real sorry, Connie, but you've got to face the fact that this is the man that you love. This is who he is. It's how he breathes. It's what he does. He is a gangster. I know that now, just like i knew it all those years ago when he got me pregnant. And I knew that his life will never touch my son's
4: Number of cigarettes I wanted after those scenes*. I CANNOT believe she was allowed to say these things. This can only mean that she will either (a)experience character assassination in the manner of Kate or (b)die violently
*Note: I do not smoke
Infinite: Number of times that I had to look away from Kate's insane, sycophantic delusions regarding Sonny
6: Things I wanted to throw across the room after Kate trotted out the show's favorite defense of Sonny: "Sonny is a good man". Gag me with a spoon, okay? I am so sick of that line, because...when was the last time we saw Sonny do something good? STOP TRYING TO MAKE "SONNY IS A GOOD MAN" HAPPEN, GH WRITERS. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
6: Moments I was struck dumb after this conversation between Sonny and Carly
Carly: So what if you bring the russian mob down on all of us? What if you start some big war, huh?
Sonny: That won't happen --
Sonny: Because Karpov is a loose cannon. He made a stupid choice. I'm actually doing his bosses a favor.
If I have learned anything from years of watching Law & Order, it is that the Russian mob is SCARY and that Russian mob bosses aren't going to be all "The greasy weeble killed one of our men? That is great news! We won't retaliate. Hugs for all!"
$276.5 Million Per Year: Salary I assume Tony Geary is pulling in. It's the only logical explanation for the fact that he is okay with the complete destruction of the character of Luke Spencer. It's utterly depressing to see the famous Luke Spencer become lame comic relief.
8 and Counting: Times I have shuddered at the sight of Jane Elliot's new hairdo
110: Percent effort you'd have to exert in order to make Jane Eliot look anything but stunning
5: Number of the head of the wardrobe department's pets that Jane Eliot must have killed for them to clothe her in this getup
18: Minutes that I spent laughing after seeing Edward's jaunty hat
Cutest thing I have ever seen, and the fact that Edward is online dating is similarly hilarious. But, hey, who wants to see that when we could be all Sonny, all the time, right?
75: Percent more appealing Brandon Barash becomes when Johnny acts crazy and isn't stuck moping over Lulu and their truest love to ever...true.
1: Completely hilarious closeup of the threatening note Lulu received
64: Number of times I rolled my eyes at Nadine just...existing
1: Number of times I rolled my eyes at the fact that Carly walked in on Nikolas and Nadine as they were about to have sex
In the General Hospital that plays in my head, I like to think that Nikolas is pulling a GOB Bluth like "I think I made a huge mistake" because he regrets giving Nadine the time of day. The GH that plays in my head is both totally awesome and a sign that I should probably go to therapy.
1: Number of times I wondered why Carly didn't turn around and leave instead of smiling that smug smile that she has
The words "complete" "lack" "of" and "shame" come to mind.
3: Number of time I stifled the urge to say "What's cooking, good looking" whenever Greg Vaughan appeared onscreen
82 to 18: This show's Shlock to Quality ratio
Screencaps courtesy of LizNJase