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« Well, Since It Worked So Well The Last Time... | Main | In Which We Prepare For The End of Night Shift »

October 16, 2008

General Hospital: By The Numbers

4: Number of days General Hospital has been on thus far this week

60: Minutes of each episode of General Hospital, counting commercials

240: Minutes of General Hospital on this week, total, counting commercials

232: Minutes of General Hospital on this week in which Sonny was on-screen or mentioned

1: Non-General Hospital related commercials that managed to subtly refer to Sonny

*Okay, SunnyD mentions "Sunny", not "Sonny", but it's close enough and the advertisement comes on often enough that I think there must be a sinister link somewhere

Endless: Amount that I am disturbed by the commercials Alan Thicke does for timeshares in Las Vegas. That may have nothing to do with GH, but I felt it needed to be said anyway. Why, Jason Seaver, why?

232: Minutes during General Hospital that I spent bored

3: Times I painted my nails during General Hospital this week

17: Times I spent aimlessly writing my name to help deal with my boredom

2: Scenes in which Claudia Zacchara was inserted for no real purpose

*Completely random involvement in the Max/Milo/Maximus shenanigans, and I use the word "shenanigans" loosely because that implies some sort of joyfulness and fun, and not stupidity


*Sparring with Olivia, a scene that I assume was written to fulfill the "If we have to have two women in a scene together, they need to talk about Sonny and also call each other bitch and/or whore. Bonus points if they do both" demands of Bob Guza


38: Approximate amount of times this week that Claudia was referred to as a whore or a bitch, or, and I quote, "A rank, skeevy bitch"

24: Minutes I spent searching for a store that sells the kind of..."shirt" Claudia wore just to see how much that concentrated ugly retails for


0: Stores I found that sell that kind of shirt. Not even Frederick's of Hollywood! I think it might be part of a figure skating costume...

1: Completely hilarious Jason Thompson reaction shot to the Claudia/Olivia throwdown


10: Hours a week I would watch a Patrick/Coleman buddy comedy


Patrick: Ok. Anyways, Robin and Sonny, they met through -- well, shared a close bond because of Stone Cates.

Coleman: Stone Cates? As in Stone Cates Memorial Aids wing at the hospital?

Patrick: Exactly.

Coleman: He's not the son in question, is he?

Patrick: With all due respect, Coleman, it's a memorial wing.

0: Percent it makes sense for Patrick to be involved in the Sonny paternity secret storyline at all

1: More time I can tolerate hearing the phrase "It [isn't/wasn't] your secret to tell" on this show before my head explodes

1: Sentence Maxie spoke to prove once and for all that she is the only person in this town with any semblance of sense, and should probably be elected Mayor ASAP

Robin: You know, my feet have just been so swollen lately. Maybe I should just go barefoot.

Maxie: Please don't say things like that to me again, ok? I still have a bad heart.

2: : Adorable outfits Maxie wore this week



0: Percent likelihood that I will ever get over the brutal, unnecessary murder of Georgie

Maxie: Oh. Well, I really wish Georgie was going to be here because she would be a much more suitable choice.

Robin: Georgie would want you to do it. And if that's emotional blackmail, I really don't care. So will you please be my maid of honor?


750-1: Odds that the Patrick/Robin wedding will be a sweet, beautiful event written by Awesome Writer and not a wacky mess

3: Number of Duh Faces exhibited by Sonny




Someone is really hoping to hold onto his title from last year!

2: Number of times I agreed with something that Effing Carly said

Carly: Oh, he's great. He's patient, and he's caring. I mean, he loves those boys. Well, I was going to say he loves those boys more than his own life, but that's not true. Michael was shot because of the choices Sonny's made -- he's continuing to make.


Carly: Kate asked to see me. She wanted me to talk Sonny out of going after Karpov. It's kind of pathetic, her lying there helpless and stupid.

*The latter is kind of bitchy and mean-spirited, but you have to give her props for being succinct, and that's exactly how Kate is these days

2: Number of times I yelled out to an empty room "I can't believe I just agreed with something that Effing Carly said"

10: Minutes I spent transfixed by Laura Wright's perfect hair


2: Times Carly referred to Kate as a phony with such disdain that I had The Catcher in the Rye flashbacks.

4: Awesome truth telling quotes from Olivia

Olivia: Stop deluding yourself, Connie. This is -- this is not about protecting you or anybody else. This is like Sonny when he was a kid. He's crazy mad, and he can justify it any way he wants, but this is about revenge. He's going to hit, and he's going to keep hitting until the other guy's got to beg for mercy.


Olivia: Yeah, well, Connie sees Sonny the way he wants to see himself. You know, that's very attractive. Why be with some girl who's going to call you on all your crap and kick your butt, when you can be with someone who's going to give you the benefit of every doubt and make up excuses for you before you even can make them up for yourself? I mean, here's the beauty part for Sonny. Connie will never admit that she's wrong, so if she says that he's good and noble, that is how she will play it, even if it kills her.


Olivia: Sonny is a violent, dangerous criminal who gets the people around him shot. You are exhibit "a" on this subject. Now he's gearing up to go after the person who shot you and commit even more violence. Now, I'm very sorry, Connie, if you are worried about him, but you will not use my child to save Sonny from himself.


Olivia: I saw the truth, Connie, which is what you could never see. Sonny was a dark, angry child who grew up to be a dark, angry man. He cared about power and money a hell of a lot more than he ever cared about love, ok? And nothing has changed. You did yourself a big, fat favor when you didn't meet him to run away with him that night, because he would have broke your heart and he would have gotten you killed. What he would not have done is gotten out of the mob for you or for Dante or for anyone else.

Kate: He did quit.

Olivia: Oh, Connie, for five minutes while he was doing deals on the side, which got you shot. Now, I'm real sorry, Connie, but you've got to face the fact that this is the man that you love. This is who he is. It's how he breathes. It's what he does. He is a gangster. I know that now, just like i knew it all those years ago when he got me pregnant. And I knew that his life will never touch my son's


4: Number of cigarettes I wanted after those scenes*. I CANNOT believe she was allowed to say these things. This can only mean that she will either (a)experience character assassination in the manner of Kate or (b)die violently

*Note: I do not smoke

Infinite: Number of times that I had to look away from Kate's insane, sycophantic delusions regarding Sonny

6: Things I wanted to throw across the room after Kate trotted out the show's favorite defense of Sonny: "Sonny is a good man". Gag me with a spoon, okay? I am so sick of that line, because...when was the last time we saw Sonny do something good? STOP TRYING TO MAKE "SONNY IS A GOOD MAN" HAPPEN, GH WRITERS. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

6: Moments I was struck dumb after this conversation between Sonny and Carly

Carly: So what if you bring the russian mob down on all of us? What if you start some big war, huh?

Sonny: That won't happen --

Carly: Really?

Sonny: Because Karpov is a loose cannon. He made a stupid choice. I'm actually doing his bosses a favor.

If I have learned anything from years of watching Law & Order, it is that the Russian mob is SCARY and that Russian mob bosses aren't going to be all "The greasy weeble killed one of our men? That is great news! We won't retaliate. Hugs for all!"

$276.5 Million Per Year: Salary I assume Tony Geary is pulling in. It's the only logical explanation for the fact that he is okay with the complete destruction of the character of Luke Spencer. It's utterly depressing to see the famous Luke Spencer become lame comic relief.


8 and Counting: Times I have shuddered at the sight of Jane Elliot's new hairdo


110: Percent effort you'd have to exert in order to make Jane Eliot look anything but stunning

5: Number of the head of the wardrobe department's pets that Jane Eliot must have killed for them to clothe her in this getup


18: Minutes that I spent laughing after seeing Edward's jaunty hat


Cutest thing I have ever seen, and the fact that Edward is online dating is similarly hilarious. But, hey, who wants to see that when we could be all Sonny, all the time, right?

75: Percent more appealing Brandon Barash becomes when Johnny acts crazy and isn't stuck moping over Lulu and their truest love to ever...true.


1: Completely hilarious closeup of the threatening note Lulu received


Lovely handwriting!

64: Number of times I rolled my eyes at Nadine just...existing

1: Number of times I rolled my eyes at the fact that Carly walked in on Nikolas and Nadine as they were about to have sex


In the General Hospital that plays in my head, I like to think that Nikolas is pulling a GOB Bluth like "I think I made a huge mistake" because he regrets giving Nadine the time of day. The GH that plays in my head is both totally awesome and a sign that I should probably go to therapy.

1: Number of times I wondered why Carly didn't turn around and leave instead of smiling that smug smile that she has


The words "complete" "lack" "of" and "shame" come to mind.

3: Number of time I stifled the urge to say "What's cooking, good looking" whenever Greg Vaughan appeared onscreen


82 to 18: This show's Shlock to Quality ratio

Screencaps courtesy of LizNJase


I have been seeing a lot of the GH commercial lately. I noticed that there is not one scene with any mob violence in it. If I had never seen the show before, I would be sadly disappointed if I tuned in expecting a "Love in the Afternoon" show and got the violent, boring, repetitive drivel that they are trying to pass off as good tv.

Scrubs have been insanely awesome(moreso that usual) as of recent. Gives me hope for an amazing wedding and birth of the Muffin.

Whenever the hotness of GH hotties comes on screen I just stare and wonder how GH got so lucky to snag so many drool-worthy guys. Especially Jason Thompson... like what ISN'T perfect about him? In my eyes; nothing. His eyes, smile, hair, hands, torso, etc... *thud* I mean seriously even if I was blind his voice is sooooooooo *drools* I want a Jason Thompson *pouts*

Uhhh... anyway, I eagerly anticipate your NS2 recap(b/c with the exception of some annoyences I LOVED it) and Primetime Suds :D

I'm probably dating myself here but Coleman always reminds me of Bob Seger and that's a good thing :) Fun post as always. I'm even starting to sneak peeks of this blog at work.

I love Kate and I think it's a shame the way she's being written so that Olivia can be the one who knows it all. I can't believe people will be so easily manipulated by this writing that you would agree with something Carly says when a lot of it is all about the bad writing. Since when did she tolerate a female that isn't a relative? OOC writing everywhere. It's obnoxious. But not as obnoxious as people falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Guza's smarter than you think, and that's why he's still around. Because he can fool people.

12- The number of minutes I spent watching GH this week. Only watching Robin/Patrick scenes now...NIGHTSHIFT is amazing!!!

I am just flabbergasted that Guza is bringing in MORE characters to revolve around Sonny's world.

My hat's off to you...I don't know how you all keep watching this.

I love reading this blog!!! I stopped taping and watching GH when they killed off Georgie. I just read the recaps online to keep up with Scrubs and the 1.5 minutes of airtime the vets get each month.

Mallory and Becca, you gals are hilarious and spot on everytime.

Bless your hearts for watching and recapping for us. You both deserve medals at the very least, and at the most, you should draw hazard pay.

The show is a waste of airtime. I mean wasting great actors at the expense of drivel spewed by the fearless 3some (Carly/Jason/Sonny) sheesh...

PATHETIC. True LUZA is of the devil.

I want to watch the General Hospital in your head. I'm way behind in my viewing, and Nadine and her perpetual "Wacky! Hijinx!" soundtrack are killing my Nikolas buzz (a buzz that has remained largely unkilled since the late '90's, except for a) Coltin Scott Martinez whatever, and b) Courtney.

James E. Reilly is dead.

Wow. I'm really stunned.

"I love Kate and I think it's a shame the way she's being written so that Olivia can be the one who knows it all. I can't believe people will be so easily manipulated by this writing that you would agree with something Carly says when a lot of it is all about the bad writing. Since when did she tolerate a female that isn't a relative? OOC writing everywhere. It's obnoxious. But not as obnoxious as people falling for it hook, line, and sinker. Guza's smarter than you think, and that's why he's still around. Because he can fool people."

I agree with the comment made by Scout. People snark well and can turn a phrase but are obviously not immune to the dumbing-down. Guza's motives are pretty clear. This blog rants alot but never seems to get at the fundamental problems of the show. If you liked Olivia/Carly's FEE LOSS SO FIzin', well that means you just enjoy lapping up Guza's writing, or was it Korte's? Doesn't matter, Guza gave it the stamp of approval. Guza doesn't want to write for Sonny (he just needs him), he writes for Jason Morgan, and for Carly (only so he can mock women). He has as much respect for Sonny as he does for Lucky. The "good man" crap is pure manipulation. The only char. Guza likes is Jason.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think that we're pretty well versed around these parts about the show's fundamental problems. Pardon me for putting a light-hearted spin on things.

Yay! You used "jaunty" in your column- it's one of my all time favorite words.

And oh, this show sucks.

Scorp, I'm pretty sure in Guza's dark twisted nasty misogynistic mind he is sleeping with both Jason and Sonny! He likes to play his bitches off one another. And I think Carly might be his Mommy!

And if Mallory, Becca, and the majority of the posters here don't understand the fundamental problems with GH then I don't trust your reading comprehension when it comes to this blog. We're trying to enjoy the madness and sadness with a chuckle, that's all.

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