Maybe They Were Really Pressed For Time And Left a Lot on the Cutting Room Floor?
One of the following is a REAL eulogy given for one Ms. Arabella "Babe" Carey Chandler, who is dead (DEAD!). The other is a fake eulogy. Can you tell which one is which?
Mourner: Babe made the world a better place, just by being part of it. There has literally never been another human being like her. Nobody to walk this earth before or since has done so much good for so many.
Mourner: Babe was like a ray of sunshine. Cheerful and warm, and a smile that could light up any room. She brightened a lot of my days.
For the record, the first one is fictional, but only just. I expected someone to stand up and talk about how Babe's soul is made from sugar plums and gum drops, and how she devoted all of her free time to saving limbless blind orphans in Botswana before breaking down and wondering why they didn't die instead. I mean, I knew one of the drawbacks of Babe dying (DEAD!) would be the endless parade of blissful Babe memories, but, perhaps naively, I thought that the revisionist history would at least be tempered by people alluding to the not-so great aspects of Babe's history, such as everything from October 2003 to last Thursday, when she died (DEAD!). I assume that they wrote in all of that stuff, but it just got edited out to get the episode in at an hour. Right? Because this was kind of ludicrous.
Krystal: I never knew what love was... until the first time I held Babe in my arms. And looking down at that sweet face, and that baby soft skin -- it -- it just all made sense. I was put on this earth to be her mama. And I knew in that moment that i would give my life to protect her.
"...luckily, it never came to that, but I did go to jail for our part in the plot to kidnap multiple children, falsify multiple paternity tests and ruin the lives of multiple people. The things I do for my Baby Doll!"
J.R.: When I first met Babe, I knew she was going to be the woman that I'd marry. When we said our vows, I became a husband.
"...little did I know that she already had a husband! Crazy. And then she boned my brother right away. That's just how Babe was. Willing to drop trou for anybody with a pulse. So loving, she was"
J.R.: And when Little A was born, I became a father.
"...well, at first I didn't know Little A existed, I thought that I had a daughter named Bess. Because Babe stole Miranda Montgomery and pretended she was our daughter for almost a year. And then, just for kicks, she ran away with my brother and told me Little A was dead. But, long story short, we eventually got the truth straightened out and then I became a father."
J.R.: Just one thing I've tried to get right... is how to be a better man...
"...through experience, I learned that 'being a better man' did not include attempting to murder her. But hey, you know, you don't learn things until you try them, right?"
J.R.: ...the kind of man that deserved Babe's love.
"Granted, Babe gave her love to any man that had working parts, but that's just how she is! All full of love, and happiness".
J.R.: Babe, you were more than just the mother of my child. You were the love of my life...
"...my life pretty much blows. Have you ever heard a sorrier sentence than that one? My mom was killed by fucking pancakes and this tramp was my one true love. I am the living embodiment of the phrase Poor Little Rich Boy"
J.R.:...the woman of my dreams...
"Technically nightmares, but it's a funeral, so I am going to just be diplomatic and say 'dreams'. Because 'nightmares' are a kind of dream, right? I'm not technically lying."
Krystal: It's amazing how many lives she touched...
"...with her vagina."