Night Shift Season Finale, Part Two: In Which We Cry, Some More, Again
Becca: Patrick is hotly bleeding!
Mallory: Carnage! Great way to start an episode. I'm not even being sarcastic...
Becca: There's typical GH carnage -- which you know will end with the mafia saving the day -- and then there's good soapy carnage. This is the latter.
Becca: Regular GH could have told these amateurs how to pay a bajillion dollars for special effects that look like fire, but these crazy kids had to use an actual flame, which probably cost them next to nothing. You won't move up in ABC Daytime with that kind of thinking, losers!
Becca: Oh, and Claire might be dead. And "Leo" is on fire. And Jagger the cop just saved him! A cop saved someone! In Port Charles! And he just saved Saira too! OMG, I think I'm going to need reprogramming after this show.
Mallory: Write today's date down, because you'll never see that happen again
Mallory: Jagger's serious, investigate-y face makes me giggle
Becca: Remind me to find out how I can get Finola Hughes' arms. And while we're asking for the impossible, I'd like Tristan Rogers to adopt me.
Mallory: Claire still has doctorly instincts! Who could have seen that coming?
Becca: Not me! Because I have never seen TV, especially Grey's Anatomy -- with that doctor who looks and acts exactly the same as Claire -- before. Izzy had this exact storyline. It's uncanny.
Mallory: It's a crazy coincidence, I tell you.
Becca: Patrick is hotly disarming a bomb!
Mallory: Is there nothing Patrick can't do? Besides be a competent Chief of Staff, I mean
Becca: I've yet to see him be hotly fraternal, I must say. What has happened with that storyline?
Mallory: The writers got distracted by a piece of tinsel, is what happened
Becca: Well, at least their consistency is....consistent. Anyway, back to Night Shift. On which Saira might be dead. I still don't think I care. Is that wrong?
Mallory: Not even a little. The way that she flatlined just before the commercial? Awesome. Which is a bitchy thing to say, but whatever! I mean it was awesome from a pure entertainment standpoint.
Mallory: How cute is Robin giving her dad good news?!
Becca: Oh thank god, I really think they're not going to kill off Robert Scorpio. I never should have doubted the writers. Well, I never should have doubted THESE writers. Soap writers in general....
Mallory: It's a legitimate response, you know? We've been burned before so badly
Becca: Don't say "burned." You know Guza will burn Patrick's face off, or something
Mallory: And then give him a face transplant that also gives him a new nationality. You're right, forget I said anything.
Mallory: Jason Thompson carries off a suit really, really well
Becca: What does Jason Thompson not carry off well?
Mallory: He honestly brings out the best in Antonio Sabato Jr. Which...is saying something.
Becca: So Saira has been in a coma for a week? Wait, I'm sorry, that could have been misconstrued as me caring.
Mallory: I like how the writers are trying to guilt me into caring about Saira by using Robin's baby. It's not going to work!!!
Becca: Yeah, we're not new.
Mallory: Ethan Rains has improved majorly since the premiere. I'd say I was proud, but since I don't know him, that would be creepy
Becca: Hee. Yeah, I was just going to say, he could actually give Antonio Sabato Jr. crying lessons. Also, less "creepy" and more "over-invested," but either way I understand.
Mallory: Speaking of...what emotion was ASJ trying to convey just now? (a) Sadness (b) Hunger (c)Anxiousness that he didn't properly TiVo Dancing With the Stars?
Becca: I think it was "perplexed indifference with a hint of homicidal rage"? Or (c).
Becca: What the holy hell is Claire wearing?! Izzy would not approve
Mallory: Why do they dress such a pretty girl in such terrible things?
Becca: Maybe the wardrobe department understandably confused her with Katherine Heigl whom they, like us, have grown to loathe, and therefore are punishing her?
Mallory: Aw, Kyle and Claire made up. I am so...I can't even fake it, sorry. I don't care even a little
Becca: Sorry, what? I was fixing a hangnail.
Mallory: I don't remember. I think something happened and people said and did stuff. Whatev
Becca: Phew, Finola's hair looks better in this episode. Not great, but decent. And Anna and Robert are reuniting for good? I'm melting.
Mallory: It's a step in the right direction, at least
Mallory: The coma was the best acting Saira ever did. She should submit it on her Emmy reel. Hee. "Saira's Emmy reel". I made a funny.
Mallory: MONICA QUARTERMAINE
Becca: Seeing Monica as a doctor is yet another thing I would be totally willing to get used to.
Mallory: Aww. Poor Patrick. Hotly being fired from a job he was hotly, hilariously and wholly unqualified for.
Becca: Patrick was hotly terminated!
Mallory: Seeing Robert, Anna and Monica, and Luke, Sean and Tiffany all in one night...how will we ever go back to the OG GH now?
Becca: The usual: Start drinking in the afternoon.
Mallory: We may need to upgrade to crack.
Becca: Patrick is hotly shirtless! And hotly horizontal!
Mallory: Another thing I could sooo get used to seeing on a regular basis
Becca: So I'm assuming Pattycake only got fired from his [ridiculous] chief of staff position, not his regular brain surgeon/ER doc/research physician hybrid?
Mallory: It's only fair. Refusing to treat white supremacists has no bearing on his super brilliant Jack of all Medical Trades thing.
Mallory: It's crazy how good Kimberly McCullough looks on this show.
Becca: Further evidence of how much OG GH sucks.
Mallory: How big is our "How Much OG GH Sucks" file?
Becca: I'm not sure how I feel about the Billy Dee-has-a-son reveal happening in the season finale.
Mallory: Billy Dee has a son? I...don't even have the words to convey my massive lack of caring
Becca: Jinx! I was going to say, that's assuming I can figure out whether I have any feelings about that reveal at all.
Mallory: I am scared that this means that his secret child will be a thread next season. I dont know if I could watch him sleepwalk through that...
Becca: Maybe over the break he'll decide that it's worth actually acting if someone is going to pay you to do so when you're in your 70s yet have little discernible talent.
Becca: Jagger is leaving town? No chance of ASJ ending up on OG GH?
Mallory: Why is Jagger moving back to San Francisco? Why won't they hire him on the OG GH? Why did he say "San Francisco" with an accent?
Becca: I wouldn't normally wish that on anyone, but I have to balance the potential harm to him against all that I have to gain by him being shirtless on a regular basis.
Mallory: Have we discussed ASJ's VH1 dating show?
Becca: We have not! Because I was trying to pretend it didn't exist! When does it start? What's the twist? To whom will you admit that you watch it?
Mallory: I don't even think I could watch it, which says a whole lot
Becca: Wow. I'm stunned by that. Only because of The Hills, I promise! I cast no other judgment
Mallory: Watch it, missy! One person's trash TV is...another person's ironic trash TV.
Becca: I adore that this show has created a Patrick/Robert relationship.
Mallory: I want a ringtone of Tristan Rogers saying "Pattycake"
Becca: That would be heaven. Also sent from above? "Promise me one thing: That you'll treat your little girl a whole lot better than I treated mine." And Robert calling Patrick "son." Sniffle.
Mallory: "Thank you...son". Awww!
Mallory: I just started crying again
Becca: We're jinxing and crying!
Becca: Are you also wondering what blush they're using on Kimberly McCullough?
Mallory: I am scouring Sephora.com as we speak
Becca: Aw, I still like the Robin/Jagger relationship. Hopefully the internet won't break with me saying that. LIke last time. Look how many times I'm saying "relationship" tonight.
Mallory: They are really trying hard to get me interested in anything Saira related. So cute, these writers and their effort
Becca: I'm impressed by Ethan Raines' performance. What is happening? But yes, still don't care about Saira.
Mallory: Hee! "I want to take you on a trip...a long weekend". That was a mighty quick downgrade, Leo
Becca: That's like "Let's go to dinner and a movie...or maybe a drink and free happy hour appetizers." I'm so glad they didn't have Saira forgive "Leo," honestly. That would have been so cliche.
Becca: Hee, I love the age jokes with Robert and Anna. The actors are so good with comedy.
Mallory: "I want to be that man that you fell in love with"--swoon!
Becca: "I always did think that we would find our way back to each other....I'm not willing to wait any more." "Oh, I do looove you." Sniffle.
Mallory: Again with the tears! I won't be able to leave the house tomorrow because my eyes will be so puffy
Becca: I am going to blame pollen. Yes, in October. What?
Mallory: Hey, my excuse was going to be, "Look over there, a diversion!" before I scurried away
Becca: Hey, a OLTL commercial! That will totally cure your puffy eyes! And varicose veins, sore joints, cholesterol levels...
Mallory: Ouch, my OLTL buzz was just harshed by AMC, which is so epically terrible that I think they are trying to live down to Guza. I do not believe you when you say AMC is your something, Mel B.
Becca: Call me when they shoot an adolescent in the head to teach him a lesson, 'kay?
Mallory: Epiphany is being so pleasant! Not a snarky comment to be found. I love this Epiphany. I think we should have drinks with Sonya Eddy
Becca: Absolutely! Maybe she could explain that thing we call "Bob Guza's writing." Probably not, but it's worth a try.
Mallory: I know she just came out of a coma and all that, but Saira's shirt is just...wrong
Becca: She also has bad split ends. I mean, as long as we're throwing out complaints.
Mallory: Totally warranted
Mallory: Oh, Robert. Why does Bob Guza hate you so much?
Becca: I cannot get over how much I adore the Robert/Robin relationship. There's that word again! Why does it keep popping up! One would almost think a good soap revolves around many of them!
Mallory: Aww! Leo helped Eric! This is seriously such a sweet scene. I like it so much that I won't even comment on how wee Ethan Rains is next to Adam Grimes.
Becca: Totally! This is who Leo should have been all season. Especially the part where he offered to help Kyle pick up a guy. Two thumbs up.
Mallory: Hilarious! Why did we waste so much time on Leo being an asshole when he could have been charmingly hilarious?
Becca: Nooooo! Robert did not just run off without Anna! To avoid his treatments!
Mallory: NOOOOOOOO!!! I am devastated.
Becca: Nooooo! Nooooo! That is as good as killing Robert Scorpio! Nooooo! It's also totally true to character and kind of genius. But....nooooo!
Mallory: I'm sorry, Epiphany's crush on Jagger is the best thing to ever happen in the world. No exaggeration
Becca: It makes me giggle uncontrollably.
Mallory: Aww! Little Stone loves Robin! DAMN IT, SRI RAO! WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME CRY?
Becca: Oh, phew! The note said "I'll be waiting with the mai-tais, once I'm back to myself." That means Robert is going to get his treatments, right? RIGHT?!
Mallory: Right. Right. Back away from the ledge, B
Becca: I'm very emotional, Mal! There've been Quartermaines and Luke Spencer and Sean and Tiffany and lil' Robin and wedding flashbacks and supercouple "I love you"s and....I'm just very vulnerable right now!
Mallory: Honestly, I am going to be housebound until at least the weekend because my eyes are going to be so puffy I haven't cried like this in, like, a whole week
Becca: A whole week?
Mallory: I almost cried during The Office last week--no lie. But I caught myself just in time
Becca: It was from laughter, when Jan sang "Son of a Preacher Man" as a lullaby, right?
Mallory: ...yes. Yes, it was
Mallory: Hee! Patrick has cigars for when the baby is born! That is so, so fitting
Mallory: I have to be honest, the one thing I won't miss from NS is commercials for the webisodes
Becca: I might be enough withdrawal from the show ending that I watch them, I have to say. (No wait, I don't. Erase erase erase.)
Becca: Patrick is hotly closing out the season by sexin' up Robin in the [hilariously ever in his possession] chief of staff office! Awesome.
Mallory: Brilliant, brilliant ending And they started the season having sex. Totally full circle!
Becca: Just like they started the first season having sex (with, it is important to note, Jason Thompson hotly naked in a shower)! Before it all went to hell. It is impossible to believe this season finale is part of the same series as last year's.
Mallory: I thought we agreed never to talk about the f***t s****n again!
Becca: Ha! The first rule of Night Shift is you do not talk about the f***t s****n. I'm on board.