Night Shift Season Finale, Part One: In Which We Break Out The Ugly Cry
It's pretty amazing that this genius episode, what with its legacy characters, romance, drama and soapiness, is on SOAPNet, the same channel that buys rights to Steve Guttenberg comedies and thinks "soap opera" is a dirty word. But somehow this episode, and this whole season of Night Shift for that matter, slipped past the "no good quality soaps in my house" SOAPNet goalie. And we're so happy we could cry. Well, we're crying anyway, truth be told. Robert Scorpio fighting for his life! Robert and Anna reuniting! Robin saying goodbye to Robert just in case! Robert's coma-dream filled with awesome veteran characters and actors! Antonio Saboto Jr. shirtless, one last time! Sob.
Becca: OMG, the beginning of my TiVo recording is a Red Sox/Rays game from last week. I'm crying already and this is before I see Robert Scorpio on his possible death bed.
Mallory: Ouch, your TiVo is baiting you
Becca: I know. Like a few weeks ago when it randomly recorded a Jeff Foxworthy comedy special. And now this. We might have to break up. Anyway, on with the show!
Becca: Patrick being chief of staff will never stop being hilarious.
Mallory: Speaking of hilarity: I love when Antonio Sabato Jr. tries to act like a professional law enforcement agent. There are big words and stuff!
Becca: You can tell he's really concentrating!
Mallory: Claire is resigning? That's...nope, I don't care. At all.
Becca: Is Claire resigning because she's going to make oodles of money as a doctor yet will always buy ugly handbags, and she figures she may as well just throw in the towel now?
Mallory: What can you expect from someone who became a doctor to avoid an art history major ex boyfriend? The hospital is way better off without a doctor on staff with her poor judgment. One Dr. Lee is enough, you know?
Becca: Aw, Dr. Lee. We went a whole season without hearing about the adventures of her vajayjay. How did we cope?
Becca: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! The first Robert/Robin scene! The old theme song!
Mallory: OH EM GEE. I have no words. Which is seriously rare.
Becca: Anna as Dolly Domestic with a 30-year old Robin holding an actual dolly is pretty much soapy perfection.
Mallory: Oh, my gosh, Anna bitching about quiche is so great. That's not a sentence you say every day...
Mallory: I heart Chad Allen. Not just because he makes Kyle tolerable. Well, mostly because of that
Becca: For me it's that, and for reminding me of Our House. Man, remember when Deidre Hall was tolerable? Hey, maybe that's Chad Allen's secret superpower!
Mallory: I...have no memory of Deidre Hall ever being tolerable
Becca: That is because you are practically a fetus.
Mallory: Antonio Sabato Jr. must love when he gets scenes with Saira. "Finally, I get to look like a master thespian!"
Becca: It's really nice of her to do that for him.
Mallory: I could watch Finola and Tristan play off of each other for hours. Too bad there isn't a show that they could be on five hours a week...
Becca: I know, what a pity. Though at least this way they're less bullet-ridden.
Mallory: Ohmigosh, Kimberly McCullough's huge hair was half her size. Were you watching GH when this first aired?
Becca: I wasn't! I've only seen some of it on YouTube
Becca: Speaking of hair, though I love Finola, her hair: What the eff?
Mallory: It's beyond wrong. And troubling, since she usually has such good taste
Becca: Patrick hotly kissed Robin's sad forehead. Jason Thompson is the dreamiest.
Mallory: He really is. Almost criminally so.
Becca: Felonious hotness. I like it.
Mallory: I am already sniffling a little bit. This does not bode well for the rest of the evening
Becca: It's going to be a teary night. Finola's hair is making me cry now. It looks like she bathed in baby oil.
Becca: Do you know how much lower my anxiety levels would have been last summer if Patrick and Robin had been written this well on the first season of NS?
Mallory: Oh, man, Tony Geary is endlessly hilarious sometimes
Becca: He cracks me up on a regular basis. Bless Sri Rao's heart for having Luke make fun of his 1985 hair!
Becca: Did they blow the whole budget on Claire's hair and that's why Anna looks like her brush was covered in butter? Oh, as for the story, am I supposed to care that Claire is resigning because she boffed "Leo"? It's hard for me to tell, what with her being 75% unlikeable.
Mallory: 75%? You are far, far too kind.
Becca: I was never good at math.
Mallory: Who "struggles with this doctor thing for a long time"? She is such a jackass
Becca: I liked "Leo" trying to get Claire to stay, despite his hair and her...everything. What's wrong with me?
Mallory: I loved how "Leo" went through that laundry list of Claire's awesome traits. I'd have never known about them, since they never once appeared onscreen
Becca: They were hidden behind her ginormous hideous handbags.
Mallory: Mac Scorpio and a Men At Work reference in a span of 10 seconds? God Bless America.
Becca: Plus, Luke just said "crap on a cracker." I truly love this show.
Mallory: Sean and Tiffany!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew they were coming, but still! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Becca: I'm so history-deprived from regular GH that I would probably be like "OMG, Casey the Alien, welcome back, I love you so much, never leave again!" But Sean and Tiffany's return is legitimately awesome.
Mallory: How sad is it that Finola's hair looks healthier in the 1985 clip than it does now?
Becca: Luke's fro in 1985 looked healthier than Finola's hair in this episode.
Mallory: Giving ASJ a scene where he expresses sadness and worry about Stone's mom suing for custody? Not the brightest idea. Although he's spot on at the "confused" part of the equation
Becca: He looked confused about how to open the envelope with the custody papers in it. And possibly also confused by the concept of paper.
Mallory: Tiff's rocking the sparkles pretty hard
Becca: She's very Country Music Awards, with the sparkles and the hair and the jewelry. Sean, however, has not aged a day in 15 years. It's creepy!
Mallory: It is!
Becca: "The past is killing you." I really didn't want to say this out loud, but: Please confirm that they are not going to kill off Robert Scorpio.
Mallory: I won't let them. I don't know how I will do that, what with the episode already airing and all, but whatever. I won't let them
Becca: I'm sure just the knowledge that we would be displeased will keep the writers from doing something like that. Because that's generally how our soap-viewing works.
Mallory: Do you think someone threatened one of Billy Dee's relatives with harm if he actually tried to emote onscreen?
Becca: Yes! Maybe they threatened his Star Wars residuals. At least I hope he gets Star Wars residuals. Because you don't see many Colt 45 commercials these days.
Mallory: Kyle just said the words "I don't know what to say". I LOLed
Becca: Hee! I also am doubled over with laughter at the idea that any sane gay man would have to have his arm twisted to move to Portland with his hot boyfriend. I mean, it's not rural Mississippi. It's Portland!
Mallory: I know. Baffling
Mallory: Finally someone said the "H" word!
Becca: I say hotly all the time!
Mallory: The other "H" word! The one that isn't getting us a restraining order
Becca: Oh. It was great, they way Tiffany was all "Where's Holly?", clearly accusing Anna of a nefarious plot.
Mallory: Jagger and Saira are seriously making me uncomfortable, what with the blank stares and the monotones
Becca: I swear, if you listen to Saira's lines on audio only, you would think they were from a bad high school play audition. And considering some of the jokers who get roles in high school plays (I only know this because we got extra credit for attending our school plays, which I needed because I did not do homework), that is quite an accomplishment.
Mallory: Ohmigod, make him stop trying to pretend to cry. Please. I am begging you
Becca: He kind of looks like he's trying to stifle a guffaw.
Mallory: We better get some quality shirtlessness out of that terrible scene
Becca: Seriously. Rip off your clothes, Antonio, and all is forgiven.
Becca: I like the idea of Saira getting back at Leo by sleeping with Jagger. It's the execution -- which requires Saira talking -- that is less than fulfilling.
Mallory: Chad Allen is trying to make Claire tolerable. Trying hard, might I add
Becca: Mal, give him a break, he's exhausted from working that miracle with Kyle. And probably still exhausted from working that miracle with Deidre Hall in 1986, if we're being honest. And bitchy.
Mallory: Which we always are
Mallory: We should make t-shirts
Becca: "Honest. Bitchy. Proud. With hot handbags. FEAR US."?
Mallory: I can't make myself care about Claire and Kyle's breakup because it was SO STUPID
Becca: And because they are, you know, not a couple. And are SO STUPID. Breakup or not. I'm getting progressively angrier that Claire's hair is so far superior to Anna's.
Becca: Okay, this is insufficient ASJ shirtlessness to make up for that "acting" earlier.
Mallory: Seriously. I call foul
Mallory: Aww, Nice Pip! I am going to miss her so much
Becca: Yeah, it's back to Campbell soup pimping and OTT bitchiness for her.
Becca: Okay, for reals, Tiffany's hair is bigger than Robin's belly.
Mallory: She would have been laughed at in the 80s for it
Becca: But Sean just mentioned Cesar Faison, so we're even.
Mallory: I am kind of tearing up again. I need a medical intervention
Becca: I am totally tearing up. Robin telling her dad she's going to be a good mom? Weepy. Tell me again that they're not going to kill Robert Scorpio, Mal. TELL ME.
Mallory: They are not going to kill Robert Scorpio. Because I said so
Mallory: I seriously can't stop crying
Becca: My lip might be quivering. I can neither confirm nor deny.
Mallory: John J York slipping in and out of his accent is also making me cry, but probably for a different reason
Becca: Why does he do that?! Is it just sitting next to Tristan Rogers that makes him go all shrimp-on-the-barbie?
Mallory: And it's only on certain words! I don't understand so many things
Becca: I know, it's for like five seconds, and then he's right back to midwestern drawl.
Becca: Okay, Kimberly McCullough crying is the end for me. I am nearing The Ugly Cry.
Mallory: Oh my god. The tears. The sobs. I sound like a seal
Becca: "You and me Robert, we deserve spectacular deaths." That right there is why these writers rock. Luke Spencer hasn't been that spot-on in eons.
Mallory: I like when Tony Geary harnesses his supreme camp powers for good, not hammy heart attack evil
Becca: He would deserve the Emmy every year if he had even a mediocre writing team behind him.
Mallory: Oh my god. So many tears. I don't have asthma, and yet...I keep gasping
Becca: Robert's "I love you more" did me in. There is much snot involved now.
Mallory: I am the world's second most unattractive crier (first place now, and ever, belongs to James Van Der Beek)
Becca: Third. Dude, you saw ASJ earlier this episode, right?
Mallory: Is Chad Allen a hobbit?!?!
Becca: I was going to ask that earlier, but I think Kyle is just freakishly tall. You know, like you!
Mallory: Hmph! I cannot help being a giantess!!
Becca: Seriously, I think he's well over 6'. At least I hope he is, for Chad Allen's sake. Or maybe a lower center of gravity is key to his powers to make horrible characters palatable!
Mallory: Oooh, nice theory! I like it
Becca: OMG! Patrick was just hotly hopefully thrown clear of a dumpster explosion! On how many occasions can you say that?
Mallory: Patrick always gets the fuzzy end of the lollipop when it comes to explosions
Becca: Maybe explosions are drawn to him because of their mutual hotness. And at least this one wasn't caused by something scientifically impossible like last year, when non-flammable gas exploded.
Mallory: And ______Barrett was severely burned for thirteen weeks and then left the hospital with no scarring. Good times
Becca: Oh, first season Night Shift. I'm kind of glad it sucked so much, because I appreciate this second season all that much more.
Mallory: Not "good" as in "good", "good" as in "Thank all things holy that we never have to live through that again"
Becca: You mean you didn't buy and continually re-watch the DVD?!
Mallory: There are many things wrong with me, but nothing quite so severe as to drive me to that
Becca: It's good to have limits. Or so I've heard.
Screencaps courtesy of LizNJase