Serial Drama Second Anniversary Celebration: Most Commented-On Posts
It's Serial Drama's second anniversary! Woot! We're so thrilled that you still tolerate us hanging around, let alone that you take time out of your days to both read our rants and comment to tell us you agree or think we are morons. We can't thank you enough for commiserating with us, linking to our posts and generally being great. Even the comments calling us morons are wonderful in their own way.
To emphasize just how important you guys are to us, we decided to celebrate our blogiversary by finding the posts over the last year that received the most reader comments. After the jump are the top 23.
Why 23? Well, we started off with ten, but that left out a couple of our favorites, then we went to 12 (one for every month, duh), but some posts had even numbers of comments so when we tried to cut it off there, or at 15 or 20 it didn't work and . . . well, suffice it to say there was math including possibly a square root involved so things went all topsy-turvy and you end up having to wade through 23 summaries of posts you have in all likelihood already read. Sounds super fun, right? It did to us. Though we were drunk. And narcissistic.
Anyway, what got people talking in our second year? Well, in two words: General Hospital. Damn, you crazy kids are ANGRY. And we love it! Here, in descending order (starting with the most popular post not just in the last year but in the history of the site), with Night Shift recap posts removed (many of those have been really popular, especially this season, so thanks for reading!), are the top 23 most commented-on posts of Serial Drama's second year.
"That is not what this story is about,'' Guza says. ''The show is about romance during wartime..."
THE SHOW IS ABOUT A FUCKING HOSPITAL AND THE PEOPLE IN A SMALL UPSTATE NEW YORK TOWN, YOU FUCKING SADISTIC HACK OF A BASTARD. AND ALSO, HIRED KILLERS ARE NOT THE SAME THING AS SOLDIERS, YOU DUMBASS.
Um...to sum these nominations up, I only have this to say: ...???...?!?!...???...
(and also: SUCK IT, BRIAN FRONS!)
(But mostly ...???...?!?!...???...)
Hello? Is someone there? Is it...did Christmas come early and bring Kelly Monaco under my desk? Heh. Heh. Heheh."
A regal looking woman steps gingerly out from under Guza's desk and imperiously says, "No, you pervert. It's me."
A wave of recognition passes over Guza's face and he groans, "Oh, god, it's you. The ghost of Glory Montana or whatever your name is. Can't you just leave me alone and haunt me when I'm not at work? This is embarrassing".
It's like the writers said, "We probably shouldn't have the serial killer be a vet, because it might send the message that we really hate vets, what with all of the instances of vets on our show being crazy and violent and evil, so Coop and Logan are out. But who would be really shocking? Hmm...oooh, I know! Someone who is DEAD! That would COMPLETELY shock people. Maybe...hmm. This is tough. We could have it be AJ, but I'm sort of uncomfortable having that many Quartermaines on the show. We just whittled it down to Monica and Edward, you know? Bringing AJ back would be Quartermaine overload. Too bad Stephen Nichols is on Days, or else we could just have it be Stefan. And damn, why did we have to make it clear that it was a man? We could have explained it away as another wacky Helena scheme. Oh! We can just use whatshisface. That guy. We always use to blame stuff on him. Awesome. Daytime Emmy, here I come!"
Becca (9:56:15 PM): I'm totally prepared for GH to win.
Mallory (9:56:26 PM): Oh, vom
Becca (9:56:34 PM): I LIED. I WAS NOT PREPARED.
Mallory (9:56:49 PM): Even though I expected it...ew. I can't stomach the thought of Jill Farren Phelps and Bob Guza thinking that what they do is okay
Becca (9:57:02 PM): Oh my god, we are never going to be rid of these horrible, horrible people.
Mallory (9:57:05 PM): Wow, Jill Farren Phelps looks like the smuggest bitch to ever smug
Becca (9:57:19 PM): Did JFP just say "well, this was expected"? How much of an asshole is she?
Mallory (9:57:33 PM): On a scale of 1-10, I'd say...75
Every time I get to a place where I think General Hospital maybe isn't that awful, that I could learn to tolerate Jason and Sonny, or Carly might have moments of humanity that -- bonus! -- involve her wearing a bra and a non-ugly top, the writers come along and punch me in the stomach. Or, on special occasions, punch me in the stomach, call me fat, insult my shoes, and steal my favorite eyeshadow. Yesterday was such an occasion.
As 2007 draws to a close, we are partaking in our favorite year-end rituals, which include watching endless marathons of Law & Order, Project Runway, and I Love The [Insert Decade Here]s, making resolutions that we're obviously going to forget by Presidents' Day (Becca hopes to control both her Irish temper and household clutter, and Mallory plans to drink more water), and, naturally, looking back at the past year with a critical eye.
Since we love lists and we love bitchery, we're pleased to present you with a merger of those two loves, in the form of Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2007.
I feel like I should mention as often as possible that I absolutely will not stand for Bob Guza doing an HIV+ pregnancy storyline. I forbid it! Can you imagine? Robin would get cured by Ghost Alan via a magical antidote that Emily (note: who is dead) picked up on Sonny's island, which she traveled to and from in 27 minutes, then Robin would give birth to Jason's child even though Jason had never donated sperm or slept with her because much like the man himself, Jason's sperm is strong and determined and magical and better than any other in the world. But as the baby came out it would shoot Robin in the head. Jason and Liz would raise Robin's kid, and Carly would comfort Patrick, who will be haunted by Robin's spirit, except for the times when she and Emily hit the outlet mall for apparitions on Long Island.
I hate this show.
But maybe I am overreacting. After all, this is totally funny, you guys!
"This is where it gets a little comedic," grins Guza
Yes, this is a laugh fucking riot! Watch Carly destroy any semblance of character growth she's ever had! LOL! Watch Jax have his heart trampled on again! LOL! Watch Jason eat more airtime in a story he doesn't need to be a part of! LOLOLOLOLOL!
Ugh! Fuck off, you stupid, stupid man.
How does he still have a job? How is that possible?! I hate everything.
So fear not, dear readers -- all of our bitching about the excessive violence on GH and the lack of respect for veteran actors and longtime characters is not totally baseless! I mean, even if it was I would totally still keep doing it, because it's super cathartic and fun, but it is nice to know there's some actual evidence to support our rants, you know?
I want to go rescue all the actors from this awful writing. We could have a giant happy hour with a drinking contest about who was subjected to the stupidest storyline: "I got shot in the uterus!" "I had to act like Sonny was still sexy!" "I had a blog war with my neurosurgeon boyfriend!" "I called sexual assault adultery!" "I had 27 different life stories and I still never asked who my father is!" "I was a wisecracking ghost in tracksuit!" "I had to pretend being married to Carly was a good thing!" "I had to act like Australian and British are the same!" "I was simultaneously a hitman AND the hero of the show!" "I miscarried a pillow!" "I was a tumor!" "I had to seem like I wasn't attracted to Lucky!"
Who would win?! Oh, dear readers, let's get real: This is General Hospital. There are no winners here.
I can't even believe that I am writing a post about how there are three ridiculously awesome contenders for the Week's (perhaps "Month's" or "Spring's," in fact) Most Awesome Dialogue, all on General Effing Hospital (that's the unabridged title), but there are. Oh, there are. So you must help us decide which will reign supreme.
Full quotes after the cut. Warning: They may make you start to feel optimistic about GH. In the same week as violence-induced miscarriage number 83 and mob war number 243. Intense confusion and brow-furrowing may ensue.
And then today, this:
Chelsea: I am in love with Daniel Jonas.
First of all, only people on 90210 and One Tree Hill (not that I watch One Tree Hill ) refer to their friends by their first and last names. Second of all, are you EFFING KIDDING ME?! Does the new writing team not know that 1) Dr. Jonas has been in town for five minutes, and 2) Chelsea has a boyfriend, one that the audience has no reason to hate? What kind of OTT sappiness, rooted in absolutely zero soapy buildup, is this? Barf.
And don't even get me started on all of Chelsea's friends and family cheering her on from the sidelines like there's money at stake, or on the fact that Dr. Jonas would have been the perfect match for Julie Pinson's Bille. No really, don't get me started. It's late, and I already had to use extra concealer under my eyes today and I can't afford to run through that Bobbi Brown stuff like it's water doing the same tomorrow. To sum up: ::shakes fist at sky in fit of Soap Opera Rage::
THEN THOSE MOTHEREFFERS KILLED GEORGIE JONES.
The suckage is truly reaching legendary levels.
Killing Georgie was completely unnecessary for this or any other storyline, and she's just one in a long line of core family members that Guza has offed for apparently no other reason than he likes the idea of tearing apart the canvas of this once-great soap. (Thanks to assistance from observant Serial Drama readers, look for an upcoming post on every character Guza has killed during his far-too-long tenure as head writer. It's pretty staggering.) Then the writers added insult to injury by making the death of this legacy kid almost entirely about effing Spinelli
It's hard to say what the worst part of the story is: Julie Marie Berman's sudden inability to act convincingly with anybody except for the wig playing Laura? The fact that Johnny and Lulu ran away with seemingly an entire year's worth of cute outfits with them? The fact that NOTHING ABOUT IT MAKES ANY SENSE?
Oh my god, I'm totally crying, and I've seen this at least four times before. I might be a Soap Crazy.
Sonny comes in to check on Stone, with a half-smile on his face that is clearly pasted there to make sure Stone doesn't see how upset and worn out he is (damn, Maurice Benard seriously used to bring it) and asks Robin if Stone is asleep. She lifts her head and from her expression he knows -- "Is he dead?" He starts rapidly nodding his head, saying "He's dead"; trying to make himself believe it. He paces and fidgets, trying not to cry. Then he stops and looks at Stone and says, "He's okay. He's okay. He's okay." Robin nods and cries, still in Stone's arms. I may have gone into The Ugly Cry at this point.
It's becoming more and more apparent that I need to protest Brian Frons just...existing, except that I am running out of ways to describe my disgust with the fact that he continues to be employed. I don't think a combination of words in the English language could properly convey my angst, except, like, "He's...just...ugh...!!!...worst...???...ugh...hate", but that's not an actual sentence.
I really thought that someone, at some point, would realize that, since all of the ABC Daytime shows have bled viewers since he took over, he's not even competent at his job, let alone good at it. No dice. I thought that the SNM Fiasco would make some take notice and say, "Um, isn't this the channel for soap operas?" But, again, nothing. And now, more dumbassedness.
Oh, but I am so worried about the potential loss of Jason's ability to kill other human beings for profit that I've started a fan campaign. Please consider writing to express your support:
Save Our Hitman's Trigger Finger
123 Are You Effing Kidding Me With This GH Avenue
I Can't Believe This Show Keeps Getting Shittier City, CA 98765
And since every campaign needs a catchy theme object, I'm working hard on ours. As soon as I figure out how to package a disgusted eyeroll, I'll let you know!
"'We had a boat and we had Jason,' says Frons. 'Everything else -- the rain, the island, Wyndemere -- was done digitally.' The results were impressive."
I checked, and according to dictionary.com, "impressive" does not have an alternate meaning that is roughly equivalent to "absolute ass." So I'm confused. Not as confused as Mr. Frons, though, who apparently thinks it will come as a great surprise to everyone that the rain, Spoon Island, and Wyndemere were created on one of them there fancy computin' machines.
Plus, someone left this comment on one of my GH posts:
you Liz haters go and f*ck your self and get off your high horse and also Leave Jason alone and go fuck yourself and your intire family.
I mean, whoa. Food for thought, you know? I needed to get some perspective, like this reader! I thought for a long time about her insight, and decided I should reconsider my intire GH-related world view. I need to be more positive! So with that in mind, I decided to do something almost unprecedented around here: Post about all the things I've enjoyed over the last few weeks of GH.
Why is this show soooo boring? What is the excuse for wasting a likable cast and strong history? Why does a show that dominated the supercouple genre now have virtually no likable couples? How was even the return of Stefano not that exciting? Can they really expect one good thing -- Hope and Bo's vow renewal -- to make up for weeks of endless repetitive boredom? Also, what is wrong with Chris Matthews' hair, and is it just me or was he drunk throughout most of MSNBC's DNC coverage?
Er, sorry, sometimes I get my TV-related questions intermingled.
Back to the truly puzzling: Days of Our Barely-Awake Lives.
Mike: I don't know who you are, but that was amazing. And you did it all with a smile!
Yeah man, when she picked up those two plates, at two separate times, and then poured coffee? IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE. How DOES she do it? One day I hope to be able to transfer liquid from one container to another without scowling. I dream big!
Listen, I know waitressing is hard work. But waitressing for 30 seconds....isn't, really. But this was such an obvious attempt to prop a character that is otherwise as appealing as a brow wax, I just laughed. Tune in tomorrow, when Marianna will be wearing an "I Heart Puppies" t-shirt and extolling the virtues of rainbows!
Hi! My name
iswas Emily Quartermaine! I had a super amazing life. "You can never be too rich or too thin"? Could easily have been written just for me! Crazily pretty and not yet even 30, I had: a promising career as a doctor (which I only had to spend 42 minutes in medical school to get), a handsome and rich fiancé, a loving mother and a loving-though-morally-questionable brother, great friends, usually fabulous hair, and a ton of mascara and lipgloss. Other than the occasional flashback to a romantic slip-up a year or so ago (which I agreed never to speak about publicly because it made my mom and passers-by on the street cry), and the unnecessary death of my father a few months back, my entire existence was really fantastic!
Then some asshole killed me.
Thanks for reading and chiming in, you guys. We truly appreciate your loyalty and input, and we look forward to year three. Well, we don't look forward to actually having to watch our soaps, but, as always, we are energized by the prospect of exploring new and exciting ways to complain and mock.
Becca and Mallory