That'll Do, Pig. That'll Do.
This week has been pretty crappy. For starters, it's getting cold, which always makes me a little bit cranky. And then, the other day, I was taking a walk and got very engrossed in finding a particular song on my iPod (song name withheld to protect any semblance of cred I may have left) and I stopped paying attention to what I was doing and I wound up walking straight into a low-hanging tree branch. My forehead is scratched! And, okay, this is actually from last week but it is worth mentioning because it is a tragedy: Samantha Parkington is being sent to the American Girl archives. WTF, American Girl company? The girl was an orphan, she has enough going on in her life without forced early retirement! Also, she had the best clothes! And then, on top of all that, that...thing happened on AMC, happiness just...died.
I think it's pretty clear that I needed a hug. And the closest thing to a hug that I am ever going to get from All My Children is the death of one Arabella Carey, also known as "Babe", also known as "The Worst Character in Daytime as voted on by Serial Drama readers, beating Sonny Corinthos, yes THAT Sonny Corinthos, which is seriously saying something".
It may have been years overdue, it may have been the setup for months of mourning Pine Valley's walking miracle who is made of love and rainbows and it may have lost some impact since Alexa Havins's particular brand of smug isn't currently playing the role, but whatever, a victory is a victory: the vile babynapper is gone. DEAD. Off of our television screens FOREVER. Or until the writers decide to bring her back from the dead for a sweeps stunt, but let's not think like that: Babe! Gone!
Let's take a look back at how this blessed event unfolded with a recap of Thursday's episode...
In the tunnels at the Chandler mansion, Annie continues to be frantic about Emma and begs Ryan to find her. Ryan stoically tells Annie that they will bring Emma back together. (Note: one person's "stoic" is another person's "emotionless douche")
Amidst a pile of laughably fake looking wreckage, Erica regains consciousness and screams for Adam, who is at first unresponsive but who eventually grunts a greeting at her. She gleefully says, "Thank God, I thought I lost you", which...you read my mind, Er. More and more, my belief that David Canary is the proverbial bee's knees is reinforced.
In Natalia's room, Frankie expresses wonderment that Natalia is his sister and he wonders why Jesse never mentioned his other family. (Note: one person's "wonderment" is another person's "this boy can't make two facial expressions, can he?")
Bianca is holding her baby and tells Zach that they'll all be all right, when alarms sound and signal a tornado on the way. Everybody in the hospital runs for cover as the twister looms outside-Zach runs for Kendall, JR tells Babe that everything is okay and climbs into bed to hold her, Greenlee wanders the halls aimlessly, Jake operates on Kendall, Frankie and Angie cover Natalia as glass shatters everywhere, Zach tackles Greenlee to save her, and Jake snarkily says that he needs lights or else Kendall will die (Note: one person's "snarky" is another person's "jackass").
The special effects as the tornado hits the hospital, and the voiceovers of various people over the closeup of Kendall (whose brain is exposed throughout the chaos) are actually pretty great. I know that they were paid for with the firing of at least four beloved ABC daytime veterans, so I am loathe to give them too much credit, but still.
Everybody in the hospital is shaken, and Joe Martin, with a flashlight, tells everyone to stay calm, which I think is kind of easier said than done at this point, you know? Jesse calls for all available officers to report for duty.
In Natalia's room, Angie again asks Frankie if he's okay, which he is. This reminds me of something I meant to remark on, but I got distracted by the more shocking of the AMC related atrocities: the way that they write the Angie/Frankie relationship is perplexing. As far as I can see, he is a grown man and, since he is a doctor, he is at least somewhat intelligent. But half the time, Angie talks to him like a slow-witted child. I know that the one facial expression and the entirety of his relationship with Randi prove her right, but she could at least pretend to have some respect for him. At any rate, he says he's fine, but he hopes that he didn't hurt Natalia by diving on top of her like that. Angie says he saved "this woman's life" and he corrects her that this is his sister she's talking about. Angie notes that he's bleeding.
Tad tells Kathy and Little A that they are going to have a great story for show and tell. I don't think that's exactly what show and tell is, but whatever. Krystal runs off to be with Babe, and leaves Tad in charge of the little ones.
Jesse asks Joe what the deal is, but Joe reports that the phones are down, power is out and there is nothing to be found anywhere. He tells a hospital staffer that the generator is their number one priority and that every ventilator patient needs to be checked. Jesse plays narrator for a second, as he remarks to Joe "Look at this place, huh? I wonder what the rest of Pine Valley looks like".
At the Chandler mansion, Ryan screams and asks if anyone can hear him, before he regroups and thinks of what to do next. He tells Colby and Petey to start working from the opposite end of the runnels, and tells Annie to take a break. She says that if she takes a break she'll just think of Emma and how Emma is missing, and Ryan reminds her that he told her that they will find Emma together. And since Ryan is the world's boss, that is exactly how it will go down.The mysterious Chandler Mansion Tunnel Lurker watches.
Erica is filling Adam in on how the aforementioned lurker pushed her out of the way just before the tunnel caved in, but Adam grumpily writes her off as delusional. She reminds him that he passed out, not her, and he's hilariously all, "Hello, the whole ceiling fell on top of me!" Erica snidely says that she's been slaving her ass of trying to get them out, but he points out that (a) Erica has never slaved at anything except for backcombing her hair (okay, that may have been me, but Adam and I are pretty sympatico, so I am going to assume that he thought the same thing) and (b) she spent an awful lot of time trying to revive him. He flirtatiously tells her that she's adorable when she's worried.
Erica: I am not worried.
Adam: Come on, I saw your face when I woke up. There was only only one word to describe what I saw in your eyes:
JR is cradling Babe when Krystal walks in. Babe asks after Little A, and Krystal said it's like he had been on a ride at Disneyland. She asks how the two of them are doing, and Babe tells her that she should have seen JR, he was so brave when he jumped up to protect her.
JR: Since when is getting in bed with you an act of bravery?
Since she contracted the first of many STDs, JR. Every time you are in walking distance of her, you're opening yourself up to a lifetime of antibiotics. Babe tells him that he could have died, and he says that may not have been so bad, since then they'd be together. There is a long beat as everyone in the room mulls over the fact that JR told Babe that she's going to die, and she admits that she knows she's dying. Except she says it in a very Whitney Port like way, all "I know I'm dyink". Krystal looks sad, as Babe and the stupid flower in her hair tell JR that he can't go with her.
Bianca cradles her baby and gives one of those standard "soap character talks to baby during a tragedy" monologues, with lots of "everything will be okay"s, and "I love you so much", and "I'll never leave you". She says that "your daddy's okay, and your Auntie Kendall will be, too". Okay, there is a ton of WTF going on there. So...is the baby going to call Zach "Daddy"? While her sister/cousin calls him "Uncle Zach"? That's not cool.
Jake is still pissy that there's no generator, and asks for more light by Kendall's head. One of the assisting doctors points out that battery is limited and tells Jake that he'll have to close, but Jake childishly says "No, I don't".
Zach asks someone to get a doctor for the groggy Greenlee, and suggests that Greenlee go meet Bianca in the storage closet by the nursery, and that she'll be safe there.
Jake is telling everybody, again, that he has good exposure to Kendall's brain and that the generator will kick on soon, and that if he doesn't get the skull fragments out, she'll wind up braindead...or worse. He finishes this pep talk by saying that they are not going to lose her.
Elsewhere, Tad tells Joe that he's going to take the kids down to the basement where they will be safe. Joe tells him that Ruth has Jenny down in the storm shelter. Taylor runs in and Jesse greets her happily. She's ready to help in any way she can. Joe tells her that the head of maintenance was knocked out, but Taylor says that she can totally bring the generator back to life. The three of them scurry off.
JR asks Babe what he's supposed to do without her. Find a love interest who isn't a soul sucking leech, maybe? That's a good start. Babe tells him that he'll be Little A's father and take care of him and tell him how much his momma loved him. Krystal observes all of this and cries. JR breaks down and says that he can't do this. Babe says that they'll be married soon and she'll live in his heart forever. He tells her that she's lived in his heart since they first met. She's also lived in his [vulgar joke redacted--Ed.]. She starts to drift off, and he asks if she'sin pain. She tells him, as urgently as a dying person can, that they have to get married now.
Bianca cradles her baby and asks Greenlee if Zach is okay, which he is. Greens informs Bianca that Spike and Ian are all right, but that Kendall is in surgery with no power. Bianca says that the hospital has to be equipped to handle emergencies like this, and Greenlee darkly says that it better be.
Speaking of, Jake is still operating, and Zach furiously bursts in all ragey and interrogatey and asks what the hell is happening. Jake asks him to leave, and Kendall's blood pressure starts to drop, which, as you might imagine, doesn't do a whole lot to make Zach want to leave. She starts to flatline, and Zach screams at Jake to tell him what's happening.
Jake says that Kendall is in sinus rhythm, which is weak, but holding. He reminds Zach that he had consent and Zach is like, "Yeah, consent to operate WITH POWER AND LIGHTS" and Jake snaps that he should leave and let Jake do his job. Zach storms out. There is so going to be a fight between these two and I so hope that Zach lands a few good punches.
Bianca runs over to Zach and asks if Kendall is okay. Zach says that she's alive, and Bianca leads him back to the supply closet of gross secrets.
At the generator, Taylor says that it doesn't appear to be broken, and suggests jumping it. Jesse has a jumper in his car, and she sprints off to go get it.
In Natalia's room, Angie is bandaging Frankie's hand and suggests that he see a hand surgeon when things are a little less hectic. He waves it off, and she reminds him that he's a surgeon, and a surgeon's hands are everything. Ang, we know, we watch Grey's Anatomy. He snaps that he has other things to worry about, and immediately apologizes. Hee. He asks Angie for details on Natalia, but all Angie knows is that the girl is 19 and allergic to penicillin. He wonders if Jesse knew about her, and Angie gently tries to tell him that Jesse had a whole family when he was on the run, and says that up until nine months ago, she's pretty sure that Jesse was living with this girl and that Jesse left when he came back to Pine Valley to be with Frankie when he was sick. Frankie looks guilty about that for a second, and declares the whole thing unreal. If he's talking about the fact that the writers managed to take JESSE HUBBARD and turn him into an asshole, I am so with him, because that is completely unreal. How is that even possible? And even if it IS possible, why do you do it? Who wakes up and says, "Jesse Hubbard is one of the best characters in this show's history and he's great and all, but you know what's lacking? He's not really a dick. We need to change that." Frankie and Angie talk about how they both saw Jesse with this girl, and Frankie gets upset that Jesse lied to him. Natalia wakes up during all of this and says that it was only to protect them. She then moans in pain.
Greenlee, who is holding Bianca's baby, asks how Kendall is and learns that they are kicking it the old fashioned way with lights. When Greenlee gives the baby to Bianca, she promptly passes her to Zach and says, "She needs you [Vomit--Ed.]" and faints.
Adam is still trying his darndest to get Erica to admit that she L-O-V-E-S him:
Adam: Erica, you are in love with me. Just admit it. It will make you feel better. Here, I'll start: 'I--'
Erica: --detest you.
Methinks the tiny lady doth protest too much.
Annie has moved on in the stages of grief to the annoying "Remember that time we did that [commonplace thing]? That could be the LAST [commonplace thing] we ever do!!!" stage, and asks Ryan if he remembers the last time that they were at the beach with Emma. He says, "I do, actually" in this ultra surprised voice, like he can't believe that his brain made room for a non-Ryan based memory. Anyway, they built sandcastles and when Emma got back to their apartment, she told Annie that the apartment was like a sandcastle, because when the family was together, she felt like a princess. O...kay. He tells her again that Emma will be okay, and they continue to search for their little girl.
Petey and Colby are trying to dig themselves out of the tunnel, and Petey says that if Adam is found down there alive, they'll save him and excitedly says that if that happens, Adam won't be able to call him a worm anymore. I don't know about that, Petey, Adam's not the kind of person who let's a little thing like "saving his life" get in the way of a quality zinger. But out of nowhere, the mysterious tunnel lurker knocks him out. Colby screams.
To the tune of a very sad song, JR picks Babe up and carries her into the hallway. Tad and Krystal watch as he brings her to the hospital chapel. He sits her up, and she is deathly pale and scared looking, and he smiles at her and strokes her face.
[During this commercial break, I realized that the show was only half over and I cried a little bit]
JR tells Babe that he doesn't know where to start, and his voice breaks. Babe tells him to say whatever he feels, whatever is inside him. He points out that what's inside him is her. Again with the allusions to Babe's STDs! He gets completely choked up as he reminisces about the first time he saw her...
JR: ...the smell of the ocean. The way the air felt. The sun on the mast of the sailboats.
He does not go on to say "...the way you went after my money. The way you were married at the time. The way you went on to sleep with my stepbrother". Jacob Young is completely brilliant in this scene, but I'm not buying it. JR is at his worst when he is at peak levels of Babe worship. He goes on to say that Babe gave him the strength to be a better man and, shockingly, omits the parts where she cheated on him and told him their son was dead and he doesn't mention that time he tried to kill her. Weird. She starts to cry, and he kisses her hand as he joins her in weeping, and says that he was suffocating when he met her but she taught him to breathe, which I am pretty sure is a lyric from a Bon Jovi song, and he sums up by saying that everything he likes about himself comes from her, and that he loves her from the deepest part of her soul. After an incredibly unflattering look up Amanda Baker's nostrils, they kiss.
Colby screams and flails at Annie and Ryan that someone is down in the tunnels and knocked Petey out and stole his flashlight. Annie freaks that the lurker could have Emma and they all run.
Erica is bitching that nobody has realized that she's missing--not her children, or her fans (hee!) and Adam twists the knife a little and notes that Jackson hasn't called either. She stops digging for a moment to throw him a glare and turns back to dig some more. A hand grabs her and she screams.
Bianca wakes up to Joe's jolly face, who welcomes her back. She wonders what Joe is doing there, and he points out that he could ask the same of her, since she's supposed to be in Paris. Saint Bianca corrects him that she meant what is he doing treating her and not the other patients who need him. He reminds her that she did just have a baby and all, and on his way out, asks Zach to keep an eye on her. She urges him to go to Kendall, but he says that he'll let Jake do his thing without Zach's interference. Bianca sighs heavily and hopes that the maintenance people are doing theirs.
Since the maintenance person is knocked out and all, Bianca will have to settle for Taylor, who tells Jesse that things look good to go.
Angie tells Natalia that her kidney was bruised, and that they took care of the internal bleeding. Natalia implores them not to be mad at Jesse, because it wasn't her fault. She tells them that her mother knew all about Jesse's other family, but fell in love with him anyway. She let him go when he had another chance to be with Angie and Frankie. Frankie asks her if it was easy? What the hell kind of question is that? She says she never wanted to lose Jesse, but she knew that deep down, he wanted to be with his Pine Valley family, and her mom convinced her that it was best that he go to Pine Valley. So, she sums up, she and her mom pushed him away and staged a big fight wherein she told Jesse she never loved him. She very sadly adds, "I lied", and closes her eyes. Frankie and Angie exchange a look.
Jesse and Taylor are trying to work their generator magic, but it doesn't come back on.
Greenlee carries the baby back to Bianca and asks if the baby has a name yet. Bianca and Reese thought they were having a boy and didn't even bother to think about girls names. Greens asks where Reese is (back in Paris) and Zach jumps in and tells Greenlee about how awesome and wonderful and just totally boss Reese is. Greenlee seems surprised that Zach met her already. Bianca beams a huge, loving smile at Zach, and says that Zach came to Paris on a business trip last year and had an awesome time meeting the awesome Reese and Reese is just awesome and an awesome mom to Miranda. Zach points out that the baby does need a name, and Bianca practically moons at him and says that he should come up with one since, "you get a vote". Greenlee looks confused. Just you wait, Greens. You're about to get a whole new kind of confused.
Taylor kicks the generator in anger and tells Jesse to try one more time. Finally, the generator turns on and, in Kendall's operating room, Jake snarkily says, "it's about time".
In the supply closet, Zach kisses the baby on the head and realization dawns on Greenlee's face and she tells Zach that he's the father. She is not half as grossed out as she should be. Zach and Bianca exchange a look.
Back at the mansion, Erica is freaking out that the lurker won't let go of her, and Adam is in no mood for her histrionics.
At the hospital, Greenlee is presenting a list of evidence about the baby's paternity, including the weird looks they keep giving each other and how Bianca told Zach she needed him and how they are generally acting weird and secretive. Bianca makes a smug, annoyed face like she can't believe Greenlee would think anything like that was going on, and Greenlee elaborates that Zach is treating the baby differently than he would treat any old niece. Zach has no retort for this and he and Bianca fess up. Greenlee looks grossed out. Bianca "explains" that she was desperate to have another child (...right. Because, what, she's getting too old to have kids? She's like 24!) and she and Reese were just going to have an anonymous donor, but then Zach came to Paris and met them and offered to help them out. Greenlee asks why they didn't tell Kendall, and Bianca says she didn't want to tell Kendall until the insemination took, and Greens bitchily stares at the baby and points out that it obviously took. Zach mutters that Kendall wasn't the only one in the dark (Um, yeah, it's crappy that Bianca didn't tell him, but at least he knew that there was a chance that this would happen! He and Kendall aren't exactly in the same situation here), and Greenlee is gobsmacked that Bianca didn't even tell Zach. Bianca says that she had such a hard first trimester and she just wanted to make sure that everything was okay before she started telling people. Greenlee realizes that Bianca flew over to tell Kendall in person. They both ask Greenlee not to tell anyone. She looks uncomfortable. I know babynappers in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but I think Ms. Smythe should be way more outraged about this whole thing.
Jake tells that everybody did a good job operating on Kendall in the dark, and bids them adieu to go tell her family the good news. Predictably, at that moment, she begins to have seizures. Shoulda knocked on wood, dude!
Krystal sits on Babe's bed and says that she wants her baby doll with her. Ohmigod, one of the many things I won't miss about Babe is the nickname Baby Doll. I like Bobbie Eakes, but the way she says "Baby Doll" makes me want to do violent things. She asks Tad why this is happening, and he says he doesn't know. She cries and says JR and Babe deserve so much more time together and she can't be strong right now and she doesn't know how to say goodbye. She tells him that the first time she held Babe in her arms, her life changed for the better. Uh, yeah, you had a new baby you could involve in your schemes, grifter. She and Tad both cry, and she tells him that the thing that scares her the most is that when Babe is gone, she won't know who she is anymore. Tad tells her that he'll know and he'll remind her every day. She doesn't think that will be enough. She sobs, and he hugs her.
In the chapel, Babe tells JR she was lucky to find him (and his bank account. She doesn't say as much, but we know it's true) and thanks him for being the first man who ever made her feel special. She makes him promise to make Little Adam feel like he can reach for the stars. She tells him that she loves him from the deepest part of her soul, and he starts crying, as she says that, no matter what, she'll never stop. He hugs her and she dies in his arms.
BABE IS DEAD. I REPEAT, BABE IS
LOVE A WALKING MIRACLE DEAD.
Joe thanks Taylor for her help, and she says it's no big deal. Jesse corrects her that it's a huge deal, and thanks her. He then runs off to check on someone, and she smiles at herself for saving the day.
Frankie asks Natalia how she's feeling, and she says she's not in much pain, and tells Angie that she doesn't have to hang around here. Angie asks her why, if she and her mother agreed to let Jesse go, she wound up in Pine Valley and why her mother has been calling? Natalia doesn't have a chance to answer, because Jesse walks in for a reunion. A much bigger reunion than he bargained for, if the "Oh, shit" look on his face is any indication.
Zach, Bianca and Greenlee run up to Jake and ask how Kendall is. He tells them that he has some bad news.
Back at the Chandler mansion, it turns out that Ryan is the one who grabbed Erica. Colby happily hugs Adam. Ryan tells Erica that Kendall was hurt pretty badly. He doesn't know what happened, but he knows it was pretty bad. That's helpful, Ry. Thanks for that. Erica freaks and starts to leave and, when Adam reminds her that she was just passed out, so she shouldn't be driving. Ryan asks if anybody else has been down there, because Emma is missing. Adam agrees that someone else is down there, and Petey walks in, musing that the person must be "a violent neanderthal" (hee! I love Petey) and Adam concedes that Annie was right: there was a stalker in the tunnels and the stalker has been around for quite a while.
JR weeps and cradles Babe's (DEAD) body and the door to the chapel is slowly opened....BY DAVID HAYWARD!!!!!! Totally shocking for those who don't read soap press, or watch ABC commercials, I'm sure.
I...am underwhelmed. I expected Babe's death to fill me with complete GLEE and, yeah, I'm happy, but...I don't know. It was kind of lacking! I think the rest of the show is so unspeakably terrible that it ruined my dead Babe euphoria. And that really sucks! This show is in dire straits when they can't even kill Babe off well. Bastards.