Boringly Repetitive, Repetitively Boring, Awfully Boring, Boringly Awful...and a Pretty Haircut
I know I haven't blogged about Days in forever. I always have good intentions to do so, and I've started posts a million times, but then I'm just overcome with the suspicion that the only thing more boring and un-fun than this show would be me blogging about how boring and un-fun it is. So I decide to do more productive things with my time, like work, clean my house, organize my photographs by year, backup my hard drive, and perfect the ultimate vodka lemonade recipe (hint: the right balance between club soda and lemonade, and use of Belvedere Cytrus, is key).
But alas, since I only blog about two shows, I have to get past my laziness and just put it all out there for you Days people, even if it's totally uninteresting. Or, I am drunk on vodka lemonades and can't think of anything else less active to do. Let's see which one it is!
Things That Are No More Interesting the Second Time Around:
1. Sami stressing about being pregnant by EJ DiMera. I guess it's nice for Allison Sweeney that she doesn't have to hide behind shopping bags and giant plants, but Sami being pregnant, let alone by EJ, is he least interesting thing she's done since . . . Austin.
2. Sami yelling at the men she either was, is, or will be in a romantic relationship with. (Note: This accounts for 95% of Sami's behavior.)
3. Sami being in a witness protection program safe house. Seriously, this just happened. It was dumb then too.
4. Chelsea being upset that a female relative of hers slept with her boyfriend. At this point she should just start keeping a close eye on Ciara (who is likely to be 18 by the spring).
5. Daniel being hot for a possibly-terminally-ill woman. (Was it just me, or did he start lusting after Chloe the instant he found out she was a cancer survivor? While his current patient/savior-complex-victim Kate was in a hospital bed in the next room?) To put it in language that Daniel would understand, this dude still skeeves me like whoa.
P.S. Yeah, there's the kind of triangle that's going to save your show, powers-that-be. Quite the soapy visionaries you are!
6. Insta-love "romantic" pacing. Nick and Chelsea, Chelsea and Daniel, Daniel and Kate, EJ and Nicole, Chloe and Lucas, Max and Stephanie, Phillip and Morgan, the list goes on. This show has lost the ability to do a good soapy build-up, something it used to be known for. I do not care about couples who break up when they weren't even together two months ago. Why is this complicated?
7. Chelsea and Max. Just stop it.
Things That Are Awful, Awfully Boring, or Both:
(note: repetitive items above also belong in this category but the key
to a decent ranty blog post is not letting your lists get too long)
Okay, sure! This makes perfect sense. Also not ridiculous is how everyone is acting like Nick killed Willow in cold blood and then skulked about town like a crazy person, looking for his next victim. And how Stephanie and Chelsea are blaming Melanie for Nick's downward spiral, even though according to those characters and the ones standing right next to them, this now-obvious-to-everyone descent into madness began when she was still just the drunkest girl at her French boarding school. IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
Resistance is futile.
2. Jay Kenneth Johnson's hair.
Is he playing Dorothy Hamill in an upcoming gender-bending biopic? I knew that I'm Not There would lead to scary things. This is all the fault of Cate Blanchett and her brilliance.
3. Lexie/Abe/Theo and the autism "drama." It's all unbearably heavy-handed and dull. The disgruntled nanny twist somehow made this storyline even more boring, which I didn’t think was scientifically possible. That was like the soap opera equivalent of negative integers. Also, it must be said, when she's not constantly screwing around on Abe, or emerging from a nightclub's underground tunnel as a hissing and cartwheeling mental patient, Lexie drags a giant cloud of suck around her.
Lexie: Okay, you ready?
Lexie: Alright, let's see here. Here goes. 10am, drop Theo off for occupational, speech, and ABA [?] therapy. 11 o'clock, surgery -- thyroidectomy. 2:30, pick Theo up, take him to the dentist. 3:30, take Theo home, wait for Sara. 4:30, tea with the ladies auxiliary. Shall I continue?
Abe: Whoa, whoa, that makes my head hurt just thinking about it!
Lexie: It's too much, Abe, I mean I can't possibly do it all? How am I supposed to do it all?
why am I listening to a recitation of someone's schedule on a freaking
soap opera, and second, is it just me or is that not that onerous a
schedule at all? It's two drop-offs and two appointments! And then two seconds after her Blackberry-induced pity party, she joined some
environmental task force. What? These writers don't seem to have the
ability to remember one minute to the next what is going on. It's like
your biggest stoner friends got a sweet gig writing a television show.
4. James Scott's stubborn insistence on disturbing the sexy with this haircut.
James, we count on you as one of our few Days bright spots. It's bad enough that EJ these days is about as interesting as his half-sister's daily schedule; this hair is just salt in our very bored wounds.
5. The whole Trent's murder story. Even if this had ended with someone other than Nick being the killer, the whole progression sucked start to finish. First, audiences don't care if you kill off a character they hardly knew, who you wrote with almost no shades of gray. "Meh - no big loss" is not the emotion you're looking for from audiences, dipshits. Second, don't compound the uselessness of the victim by putting the chief suspect's son in charge of the investigation, and eventually having a barely-legal airhead figure out the true killer before anyone with a badge did. This show's cops are officially less effective than those on General Hospital. And at least on GH the PCPD is redeemed by Lucky's intense hotness.
6. Rachel Melvin's "highlights."
I think she is so pretty, but forced to choose which I hate more, these streaks or Chelsea's romance with Daniel, I would be torn. (And my reaction to Chelsea and Daniel was constant cringing, if you recall.)
7. Phillip and Melanie. A grown-ass man of around 30 flirting with
a teenager who five minutes ago was in high school is not cool. What is it with this
writing team and age-inappropriate romances? All that runs through my head when these two are in a flirtatious scene together is the "It's still a felony!" refrain from The Soup.
8. Sami. I used to love this character, but now she makes me want to do stabby things. (To her, not to soap opera writers, per my usual routine.) The woman is in her 30s. She’s a mother of three, soon to be four. When will she start acting like it?
Sami to Rafael: Why am I talking to you at all? You should go back to your DUMB earphones, put them in your DUMB ears, and listen to your DUMB music, and I'm just going to stop talking to you, EVER!
I do hope that after she calls him a big fat smelly stupidhead, Rafael realizes that Sami is the one for him, and they instantly fall in love, even though he has absolutely no ties to the canvas and she hasn't demonstrated a redeeming personality trait in at least six months. That's the kind of thing that makes me want to tune in every day.
9. Nicole's miscarriage. Wow, groundbreaking television, Days. This has NEVER been done before.
The Few Things That Aren't Boring or Awful:
1. Shelley Hennig’s haircut.
2. The new Brady.
Wait, no, that's not where I was going. Oh: So awesome that I have been able to stop paying attention to her gasping declarations of smugness since she'll be gone in a month anyway!
4. Anyone calling Sami on her BS, even if it's Lucas. I am not a Lucas fan, but when Sami was, in her self-righteously outraged way that is now her trademark, telling Lucas about how EJ got Nicole pregnant too and he outright guffawed in her face, and then was the voice of reason insisting that Sami tell EJ about DiMera Heir 2: EJ Sneaks One Through Bugaloo, well . . . (((((Lucas)))))
5. Ariane Zucker. She has been great with this miscarriage material, even though I hate the story.
It looks like Nicole is going to cover up the miscarriage and try to fake like she's still pregnant, and Zucker plays a schemer like nobody's business, so she may continue to distract me from my fast-forward button.
6. Blake Berris. He has been stellar, despite material that he easily could have decided to play as OTT and campy. The Nick/Maggie scene at the police station was especially awesome.
So of course he's been let go. Way to go, Days.
7. Promising day players.
I don't really recognize these kids, but they could be interesting in a long-term storyline.
Mallory pointed out to me the other day when we were emailing about Days' renewal that instead of seeing it regenerate and turn a corner, we might be forced to watch this show we've watched since childhood spend the next two years disintegrating to the point where it's unrecognizable, dealing not only with the now-trademark horrible writing but suffering through it all with no actors onscreen that we like or even remotely give a crap about. And that eventually we will wish for retroactive cancellation, or blindness, or both. We'd be, like, Guiding Light fans. The horror. My soul reacted thusly:
You can try to talk me down, but my soul is pretty committed to being a pessimistic bitch. And to mainlining vodka lemonades throughout the 44 minutes it takes to watch this show every day.
Screencaps courtesy of Days of Our Lives 2.