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« Primetime Suds: Sob! | Main | I Choose SOAPNet Marathons »

November 24, 2008

Reese's Pieces of Wisdom

So, Reese is pretty great, right? With all of the great things that she does, greatly. Great stuff. Or so I've heard.

In addition to being the greatest great person to ever do great things, Reese is living in a fantasy world and also a complete moron.

Bianca: You know, I don't -- I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just everything. I mean, I do have how many of the top 10 causes of stress in my life right now? Moving, new baby, planning a wedding, loved one in the hospital.

Reese: Yeah, that loved one in the hospital you have been feeling guilty about for a little over nine months. Come on, I saw how many times you tried to pick up the phone and call her and tell her about the baby.

Bianca: I should have called. I should have told her.

Reese: Yeah, and you will still have your chance. You will. Ok? And when you tell her and everything's said and done, she's going to be hugging you and her brand-new little niece.

Bianca: You don't know my sister.

Reese: No, but I know you.


"Yes, your sister will wake up from her coma and find out that her husband gave you his sperm behind her back and she won't be mad at all! She'll be thrilled! She'll probably even throw us a party! It will be a fantastic party, too! We can invite Francisco! Remember Francisco, the talking unicorn who lived next door to me? He HAS to be there! And maybe he can bring his best friend Clarissa the Imaginary Cat!  She can be the DJ! She is an awesome DJ, a skill made even more impressive by the fact that she has no opposable thumbs. Oh, what a joyous day that will be! I hope she wakes up soon so that she can start planning this party!"

 

The writers have a tough climb ahead of them in making any of this nonsense palatable, but I am not sympathetic, because they are the idiots who wrote this story in the first place, so whatever. I will give them this advice, though: the stuff that you are writing is not making it palatable. It's kicking the viewers when we are down. Just an FYI.

Reese: Yeah, that loved one in the hospital you have been feeling guilty about for a little over nine months.

"You're too nice, Bianca! Why do you feel so guilty that you and your sister's husband kept a huge secret from her? Stop worrying about other people, and worry about yourself!"

Reese: Come on, I saw how many times you tried to pick up the phone and call her and tell her about the baby.

And what happened when she tried to pick up the phone, Reese? Was her arm not strong enough to lift the phone to her ear? Did the phones all spontaneously combust? Or is Bianca like that Skittles commercial and everything she touches turns to Skittles? Did the phones turn to Skittles, Reese? Is that what happened? That would, indeed, be a plausible and delicious explanation, but I am guessing it is not the case.

Bianca: I should have called. I should have told her.

Reese: Yeah, and you will still have your chance. You will. Ok? And when you tell her and everything's said and done, she's going to be hugging you and her brand-new little niece.

Okay, so Reese has never met Kendall. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt for a second and take Kendall's myriad traumas, issues and psychological problems off the table and just focus on the fact that Reese thinks the most logical response to finding out that one's sister and husband went behind her back to have a child is to hug said sister and said child. Because that is the natural response one has to being lied to and kept in the dark for months, right? Hugs! 

Is that Reese's world view? That everything ends with a hug? "Oh, you're the woman who stabbed me! Thank you for stabbing me in the stomach and not the chest. That could have killed me! Thanks for saving my life! Hugs!"  I am reminded of Charlize Theron's developmentally disabled character on Arrested Development (Also known as MRF, and I hope that all of you AD fans sang the "Mr. F" jingle upon reading that!) except Rita was savvier and had more common sense than Reese does.

Granted, I am known to be possessive and have given the silent treatment when people borrow my shoes without asking, but come on! THIS IS NOT HOW THE REAL WORLD OPERATES!

Bianca: You don't know my sister.

Reese: No, but I know you.

Judging people by the alleged awesomeness of their sibling is a very slippery slope and is the entire reason that people like Solange Knowles and Charlie O'Connell are known by a handful of people. So because Bianca is (allegedly, mind you, because I haven't seen Bianca's awesomeness in years) wonderful and amazing, her sister must be, too? I mean, Kendall IS wonderful and amazing in her own way, but I am thinking that Kendall's brand of awesome is not what Reese is thinking of.

And finally, finally, finally, Bianca is realizing that Kendall, being Kendall, is not going to react well to this. What was your first hint, Bianca? The fact that Kendall is a fucking lunatic when it comes to protecting her family? The fact that Kendall gets territorial for no real reason over people that she doesn't even like?

I do not begrudge Alicia Minshew a honeymoon or a much needed vacation, but I REALLY want her to come back to the show, like, NOW so that we can all watch Kendall lay the smackdown like only Kendall can. I am telling you one thing, Charles Pratt, if I have to sit through any more of this bullshit, the Kendall smackdown better involve bloodshed.

Comments

Do you think on top of all this total insanity that maybe Zach and Reese did the nasty once in Paris? I get that creepy yucky vibe from the flashbacks. Talk about the cherry on the sundae for when Kendall wakes up!!!

Loving the Skittles and AD references big time!

I have the sinking feeling that Kendall is going to have some memory loss or brain damage or something when she wakes up, otherwise, I don't see how she doesn't take the entire town apart brick by brick when she finds out.

What an awesome article. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I better get the smackdown of the century and hope it's heard around the world after seeing this awful storyline that Pratt wrote.

You are so right! Pratt created this mess, and unfortunately, it doesn't seem to get any better.

When Kendall wakes up, I want her to do the following:

1) Slap Reese silly and beat Bianca about the head and shoulders with a pair of stilettos.
2) Call Rachel and have her pack the Paris invaders' things.
3) Call Otto and have him stationed outside the Slater home to escort the Paris invaders to the airport (commercial flight, not Cambias jet this time).
4) Call the Valley Inn and make an extended reservation for Zach (I love the man dearly, and I want him and Kendall to reunite, but he needs to suffer a bit first).
5) Call the Board of Directors at PVH and have Jake Martin suspended for pretending to be a doctor.

I will still hate Pratt and his twisted view of relationships, but this would be a good start to ending the madness of Bianca/Reese/and the baby that never should have been.

Femina

Great article! I couldn't have put it any better. I'm glad AM has some time off. However, I can't wait for her to come back. I really want to see her go off on Bianca. After all the times she has had Bianca's back, this is how Bianca treats her. She doesn't need this kind of sister. Send her back to Paris, quickly.

Zach the giver of sperm, and Bianca the taker of sperm need a Kane-sized SMACKDOWN from Kendall.

I can't stand the sight of those two. Here is what you do Kendall:

Put Zach out.
Put Zach's babymama out.
Put Zach's babymama's babymama out.
Put Zach's god-daughter-niece out with her mamas and UncleGodDaddy.

Call up Josh and tell him Zach doesn't live here anymore, and he's free to return and drink up all his scotch while reading to Miranda and the boys.

Let them stew out in the cold until you are ready to deal with them, and until they have nothing but "we're sorry" stamped all over their foreheads.

Zach needs to spend the next 9 months on his knees. It'll be an improvement from the 9 minutes he spent with his hand.

I can't wait for Kendall to wake up and bitchslap her betraying bitch sister and her clueless lover coolReese and bitch slap her husband left and right to the face and kick him to the curb.

"Zach the giver of sperm, and Bianca the taker of sperm need a Kane-sized SMACKDOWN from Kendall."

I may be the only person on here who gets and appreciates this references, but kudos nonetheless.

Actually, I'd love to see Kane as Adam's new bodyguard on AMC.

Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha! I'm so glad Tamara Braun is currently on a soap that I don't make myself watch.

I think Reese and Zach have more chemistry than Binx and Reese

Thank you,thank you.Not only does the Bitch Bianca need a smack down; she needs to find out the baby isn't Zach's, but in fact is some anonymous donor. Let's see how she likes them genes!
After that Kendall drop kicks the betraying bitch and cool Reese back into Europe so far into the Pyrenees not even the damned St Bernard's can find her.
Then I want her to blackmail Zach into hiring Josh back.
That baby never should have been born.

I don't even watch AMC, but I just love it when you really get going, Mallory.

I hate Bianca with a passion for what she's done. I just want her and Reese to leave and go back to Paris, before Kendall wakes up. I want Kendall to learn the truth from her husband as to why he did what he did and didn't tell her. They are going to need time alone and I hope Pratt writes it that way and if he can't maybe he'll let TK do it. This story is as ridiculous as the 5MS and should end the same way, with Kendall forgiving Zach like he forgave her, and for Bianca to never be seen or heard from again.

Thank you, Mallory! This has got to be the most revolting storyline AMC has ever done--and I'm not even using hyperbole when I say that. Seriously, UGH! Was anyone else cheering JR on for telling Bianca, the sanctimonious backstabbing bitch, that he didn't need to explain himself to her? I was also wishing he'd pushed her a little harder. And was anyone else disgusted (not to mention livid as hell) when Bianca, the deceitful traitor, felt guilty because she hadn't told Kendall about the baby--not because she hadn't asked Kendall if she would be okay with this incestuous scenario?! UGH! Then there's the fact that Reese and Bianca seem to be finding out things about each other every day ("I've never seen you like that"), yet they claim to know each other well enough to predict Kendall's reaction. WTF?! And last, but certainly not least, if Bianca knows Kendall so well, WHY THE HELL DID SHE DO THIS TO HER?!?!?!? I hate Reeks. I'm not hoping they'll go back to Paris though--I'm hoping they get killed off!!!

I think Ruth said it best. I couldn't agree more.
I'll just repeat her post...

"I hate Bianca with a passion for what she's done. I just want her and Reese to leave and go back to Paris, before Kendall wakes up. I want Kendall to learn the truth from her husband as to why he did what he did and didn't tell her. They are going to need time alone and I hope Pratt writes it that way and if he can't maybe he'll let TK do it. This story is as ridiculous as the 5MS and should end the same way, with Kendall forgiving Zach like he forgave her, and for Bianca to never be seen or heard from again":...Ruth

"Judging people by the alleged awesomeness of their sibling is a very slippery slope and is the entire reason that people like Solange Knowles and Charlie O'Connell are known by a handful of people."

Charlie's season of the Bachelor was better than anything Jerry's done...ever.

All I saw was the Arrested Development reference. Nothing else matters. Why oh why did they cancel that show?! *sob!!* [Sob can either be sob as in cry or it can stand for Samuel Oscar Booth---the third brother of George & Oscar's generation, in which case it is pronounced as one word but with a long 'o'. Or it could stand for son of a biscuit and be an expression of anger about the cancellation of such comedic genius.]

For the record, I totally sang that little jingle in my head...before proceeding to think that your comparison was apt. As I finished the sentence I was thinking, "actually Rita may have been a little smarter."

after years of kendull, greenlee, saint bianca, and babe i have to say that Reese is rather amazing.

"Zach the giver of sperm, and Bianca the taker of sperm need a Kane-sized SMACKDOWN from Kendall."

I may be the only person on here who gets and appreciates this references, but kudos nonetheless.

Nope, not the only one.

*sniffle* It's still real to me, dammit!

"Mis-ter F!"

Totally off-topic here, but what ever happened to the Charm! recaps? I have been waiting for you to tell me how that crappy crap ends.
Kthnxbye.

"Or is Bianca like that Skittles commercial and everything she touches turns to Skittles? Did the phones turn to Skittles, Reese? Is that what happened?"
I don't know what you look like but I still pictured you in my head saying this in an accusatory manner, and I'm still laughing over it. That, and an Arrested Development reference? Awesome.

I have six Londoners coming to my Thanksgiving tomorrow night. So in honor of the OG Little Britain and it's American themed restaurant I was thinking of filling an enormous bread basket with donuts and serving big gulps of Dr. Pepper with dinner!

I love Gob!!!!!!

Gotta run, my analrapist is waiting for me.

I hope Kendall kicks some ass for real and I agree that this storyline should have never been written anyway.

I hope Kendall kicks some ass for real and I agree that this storyline should have never been written anyway.

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