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« Primetime Suds: Sob! | Main | I Choose SOAPNet Marathons »

November 24, 2008

Reese's Pieces of Wisdom

So, Reese is pretty great, right? With all of the great things that she does, greatly. Great stuff. Or so I've heard.

In addition to being the greatest great person to ever do great things, Reese is living in a fantasy world and also a complete moron.

Bianca: You know, I don't -- I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just everything. I mean, I do have how many of the top 10 causes of stress in my life right now? Moving, new baby, planning a wedding, loved one in the hospital.

Reese: Yeah, that loved one in the hospital you have been feeling guilty about for a little over nine months. Come on, I saw how many times you tried to pick up the phone and call her and tell her about the baby.

Bianca: I should have called. I should have told her.

Reese: Yeah, and you will still have your chance. You will. Ok? And when you tell her and everything's said and done, she's going to be hugging you and her brand-new little niece.

Bianca: You don't know my sister.

Reese: No, but I know you.


"Yes, your sister will wake up from her coma and find out that her husband gave you his sperm behind her back and she won't be mad at all! She'll be thrilled! She'll probably even throw us a party! It will be a fantastic party, too! We can invite Francisco! Remember Francisco, the talking unicorn who lived next door to me? He HAS to be there! And maybe he can bring his best friend Clarissa the Imaginary Cat!  She can be the DJ! She is an awesome DJ, a skill made even more impressive by the fact that she has no opposable thumbs. Oh, what a joyous day that will be! I hope she wakes up soon so that she can start planning this party!"

 

The writers have a tough climb ahead of them in making any of this nonsense palatable, but I am not sympathetic, because they are the idiots who wrote this story in the first place, so whatever. I will give them this advice, though: the stuff that you are writing is not making it palatable. It's kicking the viewers when we are down. Just an FYI.

Reese: Yeah, that loved one in the hospital you have been feeling guilty about for a little over nine months.

"You're too nice, Bianca! Why do you feel so guilty that you and your sister's husband kept a huge secret from her? Stop worrying about other people, and worry about yourself!"

Reese: Come on, I saw how many times you tried to pick up the phone and call her and tell her about the baby.

And what happened when she tried to pick up the phone, Reese? Was her arm not strong enough to lift the phone to her ear? Did the phones all spontaneously combust? Or is Bianca like that Skittles commercial and everything she touches turns to Skittles? Did the phones turn to Skittles, Reese? Is that what happened? That would, indeed, be a plausible and delicious explanation, but I am guessing it is not the case.

Bianca: I should have called. I should have told her.

Reese: Yeah, and you will still have your chance. You will. Ok? And when you tell her and everything's said and done, she's going to be hugging you and her brand-new little niece.

Okay, so Reese has never met Kendall. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt for a second and take Kendall's myriad traumas, issues and psychological problems off the table and just focus on the fact that Reese thinks the most logical response to finding out that one's sister and husband went behind her back to have a child is to hug said sister and said child. Because that is the natural response one has to being lied to and kept in the dark for months, right? Hugs! 

Is that Reese's world view? That everything ends with a hug? "Oh, you're the woman who stabbed me! Thank you for stabbing me in the stomach and not the chest. That could have killed me! Thanks for saving my life! Hugs!"  I am reminded of Charlize Theron's developmentally disabled character on Arrested Development (Also known as MRF, and I hope that all of you AD fans sang the "Mr. F" jingle upon reading that!) except Rita was savvier and had more common sense than Reese does.

Granted, I am known to be possessive and have given the silent treatment when people borrow my shoes without asking, but come on! THIS IS NOT HOW THE REAL WORLD OPERATES!

Bianca: You don't know my sister.

Reese: No, but I know you.

Judging people by the alleged awesomeness of their sibling is a very slippery slope and is the entire reason that people like Solange Knowles and Charlie O'Connell are known by a handful of people. So because Bianca is (allegedly, mind you, because I haven't seen Bianca's awesomeness in years) wonderful and amazing, her sister must be, too? I mean, Kendall IS wonderful and amazing in her own way, but I am thinking that Kendall's brand of awesome is not what Reese is thinking of.

And finally, finally, finally, Bianca is realizing that Kendall, being Kendall, is not going to react well to this. What was your first hint, Bianca? The fact that Kendall is a fucking lunatic when it comes to protecting her family? The fact that Kendall gets territorial for no real reason over people that she doesn't even like?

I do not begrudge Alicia Minshew a honeymoon or a much needed vacation, but I REALLY want her to come back to the show, like, NOW so that we can all watch Kendall lay the smackdown like only Kendall can. I am telling you one thing, Charles Pratt, if I have to sit through any more of this bullshit, the Kendall smackdown better involve bloodshed.

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