Soap Opera Blogger/Columnist Arrested, Institutionalized
Undisclosed East Coast Location, Friday -- Part-time soap opera blogger and magazine columnist Becca Thomas was arrested for vandalism and subsequently placed in a lock-down mental health facility after an incident at her home.
According to reports, Thomas returned from an extended business trip for her day job and became despondent over the idea of having to watch two weeks' worth of Days of Our Lives and General Hospital episodes saved on her DVR. At her wits' end, Thomas propelled her TiVo through her living room window. When police arrived, Thomas tried to explain her actions, but officers said she had clearly lost touch with reality.
"She kind of teared up and she started talking about how Days had made Steve and Kayla invisible, and Bo and Hope super boring, and that General Hospital was shooting kids in the head and having a mobster with a magic penis be the center of the show. Really crazy stuff," said Deputy Kate Johnson, who said she herself used to watch those two shows until the mid-1990s. "She also said something about a hitman being a hero, and how she would find watching the Golf Channel for a week straight more interesting than ten consecutive episodes of Days of Our Lives. The poor woman clearly has some kind of chemical imbalance."
Sgt. Derek Harper concurred: "At one point she was just sitting on her couch, yelling at the TV about how it had ruined the coolest thing that had ever happened to her -- getting paid to watch soap operas. Then she said something about preferring to clean a fraternity house's bathroom rather than watch General Hospital." Harper said Thomas appeared to calm down for a few minutes, "when she started talking about some kind of wedding of people wearing scrubs, or something . . . but then she said she would have to sit through eight other episodes of the show to get to that, not to mention two weeks' worth of some other show that she described as 'more boring than even the new 90210,' and she just couldn't do it." Thomas again became distraught, at which point officers decided to commit her for observation at the nearby Shadysidebrookville mental hospital.
The officers said Thomas appeared resigned to being committed, even perking up a bit when Johnson confirmed that Thomas would not have access to television for at least her first 48 hours in Shadysidebrookville. "She made a call to have a friend come to get her dog, and another to watch over her handbags and shoes, and then she went with us willingly," Johnson said. "On the one hand, I feel bad for her, because she's clearly going through a tough time. But on the other hand, no television show is bad enough to warrant property damage," said Harper, who later confirmed he has never watched a daytime soap opera or One Tree Hill.
Update, Sunday -- Late today, Superior Court Judge Monica Humphrey dismissed all charges against soap blogger Becca Thomas and ordered her released from a mental health facility. Judge Humphrey explained that technically speaking, because Thomas owned both the TiVo and the window through which she hurled it, vandalism charges were not sustainable. Observers were still a bit puzzled by Humphrey's order that Thomas be immediately released from Shadysidebrookville, given the various accounts from officers of Thomas' nonsensical rantings at the scene of the incident. A bit of digging around the courthouse revealed that Judge Humphrey is a longtime Days of Our Lives and General Hospital viewer. Whispered one clerk, "Judge Humphrey said Becca Thomas may be a little over-invested, but she's not insane. And also something about 'that effing hack bastard Guza' and about how with all the laws we have, there should be one against some woman named Dena still having a job. I don't know; it was a really weird conversation."
Others remain quietly concerned about Ms. Thomas' mental condition. Jail officials reported that when Thomas was discharged and had her personal property returned, it included the TiVo, which the guard helpfully informed her actually still worked. The guard explained that "At that point, she started crying again, and asked if anyone had a hammer." A friend took Ms. Thomas to his car, and as he was backing out of his parking space in the jail parking lot, Thomas opened the door and tried to put the TiVo under the car's tires. Her friend stopped the car before it could run over the machine. Thomas was last seen crying in the passenger seat and asking where she could find corrosive acid like what they always throw in ingenues' faces on soap operas.