Serial Drama

All My Children: 2008 In Review

I learned three major things from All My Children in 2008:

• Randomly reading Wikipedia articles in lieu of sitting down and watching AMC has totally educated me. I'm all set if I am ever called on to be someone's lifeline on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire or if I need to defend my reigning Trivial Pursuit Goddess crown. Sure, those of you who watch good TV show are rewarded with payoff and great stories, but I know that Agatha Christie based Murder on the Orient Express on the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, so suck on that!
• The question of what kind of underwear an actor wearsis far more intriguing than any of the storylines taking place on the show.
• It doesn't matter which particular head writer is writing for the show--the show is going to be awful regardless.

That last lesson is the saddest lesson and yet the most obvious: I mean, if the show couldn't manage to get better after canning Megan McTavish, what hope is there, you know? The writers who succeeded McTavish, Barbara Esensten and James Harmon Brown, were terrible! And the current Charles Pratt era is no better and I want to know why. I demand to know why. WHY? The cast is fantastic, the characters are amazing--hello, you have Adam Freaking Chandler, and Erica, Erica Kane, you should be winning Emmys left and right, not floundering around--and yet...even "mediocre" is a lofty goal.

2008 in Pine Valley was much the same as it has been for the past few years: poorly written; lacking in sense; more than a little bit depressing on several different levels; and boring. There were some highlights, to be sure, but each of those highlights were canceled out by stories that left the "bad and boring" realm and shot way up to the level of "what in the name of all things holy was that dreck I just sat through?"

The year started with AMC and ABC making some of the boneheaded mistakes that they have become known for, starting with the obnoxious "Return of the REAL Greenlee" campaign.

I had remembered it being classless and offensive, but I had forgotten about the COUNTDOWN CLOCK. Touches like a COUNTDOWN CLOCK are a reminder that you're not dealing with run-of-the mill people who are bad at their jobs, but actual lunatics.

Aside from being crass, Rebecca Budig's return completely overshadowed the truly awesome return of Jesse and Angie. I love Greens and Rebecca Budig, but come on, in no way is she more important to AMC than Darnell Williams and Debbi Morgan. Debbi Morgan's perfect skin and the fact that she looks to be in her mid-30s continues to baffle me and, even though what happened with Jesse and Angie over the course of the year was stunningly bad, the moment when Jesse first appeared in the hospital to see Frankie was seriously great. And that's to say nothing of their actual reunion, which still gives me goosebumps.

Dreamy sigh! The shrewd decision to bring them back and therefore keep nostalgic suckers like me watching despite the carnage going on all around them led me to publicly admit defeat and tell Brian Frons that he got one over on me. I'm not proud and I feel especially duped since the good writing for them stopped a few months later...

Serial Drama's Best and Worst of 2008

We are two girls who love lists.  We have been known to make up projects just so we can create to-do lists and check off each item.  It's so satisfying!  And if you can also incorporate color-coding?  Consider us blissful.

So why, then, did we not jump for joy at the thought of doing this year's list of best and worst happenings on our shows?  Well, it probably has to do with the fact that the number of soapy happenings entitled to "best" status in 2008 is roughly equal to the number of world capitals that Britney Spears can name off the top of her head.  It was, overall, a dreary year in our corner of soapland, with the notable exception of Night Shift.  If we're talking about all soaps, even those lucky enough not to have us as viewers, apparently on One Life to Live troubles melt like lemon drops and birds fly over the rainbow (except when gang rapists secretly romance their amnesiac victims!).  But since we don't watch that show, we can refuse to acknowledge its goodness and maintain our general tenor of bitchy dissatisfaction.  It works for us.

We did work up the stamina to compile a list of bests and worsts, but we feel compelled to issue our usual disclaimer:  We only watch All My Children, Days of Our Lives, General Hospital, Night Shift, and The Young and the Restless.  So yes, there was that whole bear thing on The Bold and the Beautiful, As the World Turns is probably super progressive with the Noah/Luke couple, One Life is curing ebola, and Guiding Light is down to, like, four actors and location shoots at a strip mall in rural New Jersey.  We don't care.  Okay, that's too harsh.  We totally care, we just don't...no, "don't care" pretty much sums things up.  We're way happy if you guys are consistently entertained by those shows, though!  We wonder what that's like.

Best Story: The Death of Babe Carey, All My Children

For years, Arabella Carey Cramer Chandler, also known as "Babe" also known as "the character who left trails of death, destruction and disease in her wake in a way that is only rivalled by World Wars", also known as "The Serial Drama Readers Choice For Worst Character in Daytime", irritated, outraged and appalled the ever-dwindling AMC audience.  Until the fateful day that a tornado made its way to suburban Pennsylvania and KILLED HER.  And it was amazing.  It's possible that the writers intended for the loss of this young wife, beloved daughter and occasional mother to be a gut-wrenching affair and, um...they missed the mark there.  But the euphoria that this story brought, however unintentional, was truly a soap highlight of 2008.

Worst Story: Michael Gets Shot in the Head, General Hospital

The idea that a child being shot in the head during a botched hit on his father's life somehow qualifies as entertainment is baffling enough but for someone to actually state, in a national magazine, that this shooting is a justly deserved punishment for said child buying a gun?  Is so ludicrous that between the two of us (who are prone to hysterical, profanity-laced, rage-filled rants), we can't fully express the depth of our sheer hatred for that someone. 

Also, it led to Limo Sex, which . . . EW. 

We cannot un-see that.  We've tried.

Best Couple: Patrick and Robin, General Hospital

We've been accused of showing an unfair bias towards Robin, Patrick and Robin and Patrick as a couple, being described sometimes as "fangurls", which is worse than being an ordinary fangirl?   We don't know.  What we do know is that Robin and Patrick are endlessly adorable, compelling and root-worthy throughout all manners of repeated conversations, wacky blog shenanigans and limited screentime.

Worst Couple: Chelsea and Daniel, Days of Our Lives

There are couples that don't quite click, and then there are ones that are so wrong from the beginning that you have to be either emotionally disturbed or intentionally trying to make the audience hate you by putting them on the air.  Guess which category was-just-18-last-year Chelsea and early-40s Daniel fell into?

It is also worth noting that while together, they have bad hair.  Case closed.

I Think I Have Outrage Fatigue

So much of what goes on on All My Children these days is outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous, even, and not in the hilarious 80's Jem way, but instead in the "This show irritates me so much that I want to spork my eyes out except that's not even good enough because it doesn't cause amnesia and I'd just be blind, but with AMC's badness seared into my memory" way.

And yet today's episode, with its Ryan/Greenlee awfulness (hugging right in front of Crazy Annie? Who does that?) and the more disturbing by the day David/Krystal/Amanda/JR quagmire, both of which seem tailor made for me to get my rant on, led me to...roll my eyes. Granted, it was a fierce eyeroll and I think it may have caused spraining, but it was merely an eyeroll all the same. I'm spent!  My biggest emotional reaction was to Colby turning Petey down because...I love Petey, he is hilarious, I think he is adorability squared, if I wasn't morally opposed to the term "adorkable" I would use that as a descriptor, and I want to give him a hug and I feel sort of creepy saying so because Daniel Kennedy looks like he is 17 and as sad as that was, I don't think it was supposed to be the most interesting part of the episode for me...

But that's where we are at! This show has made me numb. I don't even have a long, angry, profane rant about it. I literally just want to say "...meh" and take a nap.

poll by twiigs.com

The Day's Dumbest Dialogue

I adore John Aniston.  I think he is the quintessential soap villain.  He IS Victor Kiriakis.  I know it's super creepy and weird when people refer to actors by their characters' names, but come on, if you saw the dapper Mr. Aniston at the mall -- buying shoes or sipping an Orange Julius or seeing his daughter's dog movie -- you would totally squeal "Victor!!!" before you even knew what what was happening.  This man fully embodies his character and can sell virtually any dialogue.  He managed to make it through the entire James E. Reilly era without rolling his eyes onscreen or substituting expletives for the crap that passed for lines back then.  But today, I learned that there is shitty writing that even John Aniston cannot salvage.

Victor:  Now wait a minute Phillip.  I've got something to say to you that's very important.  You too, Brady.  Something that's going to affect you both very profoundly.  Now you two are more than just employees to me because you happen to be my descendants as well.  Which makes me deeply disappointed and saddened you would put your fragile egos against the greater good of Titan.
Phillip:  Are you done yet?
Victor:  No, I'm not done.  I haven't even gotten to the point.  Which is that you can take your outrage and your self-righteous wrath and shove it.  Now, if that's ambiguous to either one of you, let me put it in the very direct words of my personal hero, the great Donald Trump.  ::puts on strong New York accent::  You're fiyahed.  Both of ya.

I realize this was all supposed to be part of Victor's Parent-Trap-esque manipulation of Brady and Phillip, but there are still at least a dozen things wrong with that conversation, including:

1. The only person to whom Donald Trump is a personal hero is Donald Trump.  And maybe Omarosa, if there is a camera nearby.  Certainly NOT Victor Kiriakis, who would sooner let Trump turn all of Athens into a casino complex than idolize that obnoxious, fame-whoring asshole. 
2. "Shove it?"  No.  I'm sorry, Victor Kirakis does not say "shove it."  I was already predicting a Victor-has-a-brain-tumor storyline after he said "Throw the bitch out on her ass" last week, but if that's not forthcoming and this is just these lazy writers' version of Kiriakis badassedness, I may have to curl up into the fetal position until 2009.
3. "Now you two are more than just employees to me because you happen to be my descendants as well."  NOBODY, fictional or real, talks like this.  It is too ridiculous for even Damien Spinelli.  There are people getting paid actual American dollars to write this crap?
4. The fake accent.  Let's never speak of it again.

This show is becoming more annnoying and ridiculous than this year's peep-toe boots trend.  And I didn't think I would ever say that about anything.

I Am in Love with Fictional Characters. Or Maybe That's the Eggnog.

No, it's not the booze:  Scorpio/Drakes are eminently lovable.  I just adore them.  I want at least an episode a week of this terrible show to be dedicated just to them, because then at least I could plan around the one night that won't involve fast-forwarding.

And this is all before The Wedding.  The day-after-Christmas, including-an-adorable-baby, canvas-uniting, legacy-character-involving, gorgeous-dress-featuring wedding!  And I am not one of those weepy girls who love weddings.  I don't even really like them.  I don't want one for myself.  But for Robin Scorpio?  And Patrick Drake?  Yes, I vote fabulous nuptials.  I might even recap them.  If they don't involve bloodshed.  Which, with this show, you never know.  Stay tuned.

Physician, Heal Thyself

You should need no other evidence than that the writers have no idea what the hell to do with Days of Our Lives than the character of Dr. Daniel Jonas.  He is almost entirely a creation of the current team, and even if he was introduced under the old regime (Who can keep track anymore?), the guy has virtually no history and is basically a blank slate.  They can mold him, develop him, create exactly what they want.  And what they want, apparently, is for him to be an icky grody perv.  Are they hanging out with Bob Guza in the soap writers' cafeteria or something?  "I see your unrepentant hitman and I raise you a serial patient-molesting surgeon!"

You may recall that initially, I wanted to like Daniel.  (To sum up:  Hot, new, hot, doctor who's not Lexie, hot.)  But he would not shut up with the surfer-speak, and then, in the most stomach-turning pairing of the year (Best and Worst post spoiler!), he got into a relationship with his muchmuchmuch younger patient, Chelsea.  He was torn about getting involved with her, because he had gotten involved with another of his patients years ago and she died, or something.  Maybe she just faked it to get away from him once she realized that he was totally turned on by her allegedly (diagnosed by him, no doubt) terminal illness.  I would.  I mean, it wouldn't be my first choice, but it would do in a pinch.

But thankfully, finally Daniel and Chelsea broke up, and I thought he might have a chance to be rehabbed as a character.  I know, it was one of those soft-in-the-head moments I have from time-to-time.  I blame his abs.  They make my head all spinny.  ANYWAY, Dan the Man quickly moved on to schtupping Chelsea's grandma Kate, who was ALSO one of his patients, and I thought, well, at least he's gone as low as he can go.  Clearly they're planning a redemption arc of epic proportions!  He will be redeemed, he will emerge as a rootable hero, he will be the 40-ish leading man this show is otherwise totally lacking!  The writing team must have realized their horrible mistakes and are engineering a turnaround that will make Chelsea circa 2007 look like child's play!

And then...The Incident.  I am inserting a cut here because the hundreds of unsupervised children who undoubtedly innocently surf past our blog on a daily basis should not see such things.  Nobody should, but you know, we're all about the children here at Serial Drama.  They are our future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way, and crap like that.

Ahem.  The Incident:

GH Wishes You an Allegedly Happy New Year

This promo is actually pretty good.  (I mean, if you don't really watch the show and know what's actually going on with most of those couples.)  It also shows that someone, somewhere at ABC Daytime knows what soaps are all about, because notice there's not a mob plot or shooting montage to be found in the entire minute.

Now, about that last bit at the end.  This is the first chance we've had to discuss this development.  I...just...why?  Could someone please explain to Bob Guza -- remembering to speak slowly and use small words -- that there is a very simple way to continue writing for characters you like.  And that is, to sum up:  STOP BRUTALLY MURDERING THEM.  Emily could have gotten a kicky haircut and splurged on a truckload of eye makeup upon her return in the new year from some volunteer effort in Africa (with Georgie).  We would have been spared her strangling (or maybe the whole Black and White Ball disaster altogether) and those disturbing few Weekend at Bernie's-esque days with people hanging out with her corpse, not to mention her return as a really happy tumor.  But noooo.  Now we have Natalia back as some other character that, due to her possession of breasts and ovaries, this writing team will inevitably either ignore or subject to disturbing levels of mistreatment and violence.  Or can we just skip ahead to the part where NewNotEmily gets murdered?  Because that would save me a lot of time and stress.  And vodka.

Pine Valley Remembers Myrtle and Eileen Herlie

If there is anything I can get behind, it's an hour devoted to Myrtle Fargate and the myriad ways in which she spread her awesomeness around Pine Valley. Eileen Herlie was fantastic with any scene partner she had, but especially with Susan Lucci and Thorsten Kaye, and Myrtle's friendships with Erica and Zach were...oh, hell, the episode hasn't even started yet and I am already on the verge of tears.

Oh, are you effing kidding me? A special weather report? I know it's snowing in the northeast. You know how I know? Because I looked out the window and saw snow! I want my AMC!

...that is a sentence I thought I'd never, ever type.

Okay, back to AMC, already in progress (Damn you ABC!) A flashback of Myrtle and Opal! Jack asks Erica if she's okay, and she says of course, because she's Erica Kane, after all. As Erica looks around the boutique and comments on the new owner's changes, she admires Myrtle's box and satin ribbon and sees an envelope addressed to her: "From Myrtle, With Love". I already need some more tissues...

Petey, adorable in pajamas, asks if Opal's okay and she says she has a package from Myrtle, which she thinks is Myrtle's way of saying "Adios, amigos". Aww, Opal. It's a crystal ball from Myrtle's carny days. Petey asks how Myrtle conned people about being a psychic, but Opal says there was nothing fake about it...she peers into the ball and Petey wonders if she can see the future, but Opal says she can see the past. It's flashback time!

Petey is shocked that Myrtle was as badass as she was, saying he thought she was just a sweet old lady. Oh, naive little Petey. Opal rightly says that Myrtle would not be happy with that assessment of her.

Zach greets Comatose Kendall with "Hey, beautiful" and tells her the sad news about Myrtle passing away. He, too, received a package from Myrtle that he didn't want to open without Kendall, so he is going to do it now. It's an album inscribed with "It's all worth it", something she said to Zach often. Inside is the program at the Miranda Center from the day they first met...another flashback! "Myrtle Fargate, and you better remember that name. If you ever--if you EVER--meddle with anyone I love". Oh! There's also a picture of Zach holding the baby Miranda (flashback! And Myrtle voiceover! And Mallory tears!). A flashback of Zach and Myrtle discussing Kendall, and there are tears in Thorsten Kaye's eyes. Myrtle's last piece of advice to Zach is to be patient, and I cry.

David approaches as Zach leaves her room and asks if he's passed along the information on Kendall's state to the rest of her family, reminding him that there's no hope. Zach corrects him that there is hope...he just has to be patient. Aww...that was kind of cheesy, but it works! It's the holidays and a memorial episode, this level of velveeta is not just expected, but necessary.

On The Plus Side, There Has Been No Murder (Unless You Count The Systematic Murder of My Soul...)

Lately, General Hospital has been so boring that I have resorted to bribing myself in order to make it through a full episode, which is so sad on so many different levels, especially since I cheat anyway and fast forward.

And I feel sort of petty even complaining about it because a year ago, we were rewarded for our faithful viewing with the senseless murder of Georgie Jones (a legacy character killed at Christmas by a serial killer who had already offed another legacy character and who was eventually revealed to be a person we all saw die onscreen, a storyline so epically stupid that English doesn't include words to really describe it, unless you count "huge, cosmic ball of suck"). Legacy characters haven't been dropping left and right these days--I probably shouldn't speak too soon because it's only Thursday and who knows, tomorrow might have an explosion at the hospital, killing off pesky non-mobbed up characters in one fell swoop--, children haven't been shot in the head--again, knock on wood--which is always a good thing, but...it is SO BORING. Sometimes when I am watching, my eyes glaze over and all of a sudden, the next time I look at the clock, like, half an hour has gone by. That's scary! After years of watching this show, has my brain started to disintegrate?!

If anything is going to give me a My Sweet Audrina like Swiss cheese brain, it will be the boringness of this show. An inventory of the week's major stories:

• Wacky roommate shenanigans with Maxie, Lulu and Johnny. What's better than forced hilarity? I mean, besides actual, legitimate hilarity...

• Sam in peril! That hasn't happened since early December!

• Claudia and Sonny hate each other, but are married! Cue the laugh track.

• Johnny, the rebel and lone wolf of the Zacchara clan, is striking out on his own and working at a Christmas tree lot.

• Luke tying to win back Tracy in scenes more staggeringly pathetic than Luke's other staggeringly pathetic scenes of late

• Nadine's aunt and her plow patent. Yes, you read that correctly. A plow patent. This is a storyline on a nationally televised program

• Jason and Sonny something something

Yeah, that's appointment viewing, all right.

Special Programming Note

What better way to remember the wonderful, amazing Eileen Herlie than with a special Seria Drama Liveblog of the the tribute episode of All My Children airing tomorrow? Well, there are probably many better ways to do that, but I can only do so much! Check back here tomorrow at 1 PM Eastern for my thoughts on the episode and prepare for most of those thoughts to be tear stained!