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« All My Children: 2008 In Review | Main | Days of Our Lives: 2008 In Review »

January 01, 2009

General Hospital: 2008 In Review

We sat down to do our General Hospital 2008 in Review -- filled with bitterness and resentment as has become our norm when dealing with this mess of a show -- and we thought, what if our longstanding hatred of Bob Guza and his team's writing has blinded us?  What if there are really oodles of good things that we're overlooking as we focus on the fact that the mafia stole our soap?  How can we be more objective about this?  So we created a purely mathematical, empirical, unbiased approach that ensures we will be able to get a true assessment of whether this show really does suck.  We won't spoil the answer for you!  Walk back with us through the last year of GH episodes so you can understand our multi-layered analysis, won't you?


1995 and 1996

Things that suck:  Tom and Felicia.
Things that do not suck:  Everything else.

Early January

Things that suck:  This show declaring war on brunettes; ridiculous, stereotypical, caricature-ridden version of Kate's Manhattan; this show thinking we're stupid enough to care about Sonny getting arrested; Felicia; Spinelli still not speaking like a human being; Luke's ridiculous coma-dream; Emily the Tumor; Carly's wardrobe; Lulu getting kidnapped AGAIN; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Maxie; Kirsten Storms' performance as Maxie in the wake of Georgie's death; Kate's New Year's Eve look.

Mid January

Things that suck:  Stories involving kids playing with matches; unrealistic medical scenarios; yet another hostage situation in a hospital; Becky Herbst's highlights; Sonny lecturing Michael about hitting people; Lulu's kidnapping; not caring that Luke and Laura's daughter is kidnapped; Becca momentarily loving Sonny; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Alexis and Diane bonding, especially over both having killed a dude; Jax; Carly's comeuppance; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Lucky being dreamy and protective.

Late January

Things that suck:  The ad campaign surrounding Sarah Brown's return; Felicia; Kristina Wagner's "performance" as Felicia; Becky Herbst's bangs; Lulu getting to choose between two hot guys; Alexis prosecuting someone who attacked her; Alexis "filling in" as DA while Ric is out of town; the Text Message Killer storyline; killing off Coop; Emily the Tumor; Dr. Devlin being pushed as sexy; Michael buying a gun; Michael buying a gun from Oliver!-esque adolescents; Megan Ward destroying The Bob; Sam's wardrobe; trust falls; Maurice Benard's duh face; Maxie having another boyfriend get murdered; Maxie owning three hideous knit hats; throwing the term "bastard son" around; thinking the writers would do a good HIV-positive pregnancy storyline; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Sarah Brown's return; the baby who plays Jake; Jason having an honest conversation with Michael about violence; Jason telling off Carly; Logan being hot; Cam; Dr. Julian if he cut his hair; Megan Ward's hair in virtually any style; Patrick shirtless. 

Early February

Things that suck:  Realizing Bob Guza has killed off at least 37 significant characters; the Text Message Killer storyline; the Logan/Lulu/Johnny triangle; Leyla and Dr. Devlin flirting; Patrick being stupid; Kimberly McCullough's bangs; Carly being pregnant; Lucky not caring that Lulu betrayed him; Marianna; Emily the Tumor; the writers' strike ending; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Bob Guza being on strike; the baby who plays Jake; Tracy and Monica feuding; a haircut restoring Ingo Rademacher's hotness; Kate, Alexis, and Diane hanging out together; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; the writers remembering Alexis and Sam are mother and daughter; Sam kicking the Text Message Killer's ass; Carly meeting Claudia; Jax; Patrick defending Robin to Ian; Robin-athon on SOAPnet.

Mid February

Things that suck:  Patrick the neurosurgeon having the intellect level of spam; Sam being in danger AGAIN; pimping Prego pasta sauce; the Text Message Killer storyline; the awesome Alexis and Diane pimping Prego pasta sauce; Sonny telling Michael not to go near guns, without even a hint of irony; Spinelli as the knower-of-all-things, even things that he couldn't possibly know; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Claudia telling Spinelli he has to get out of his room more; Sarah Brown and Steve Burton's chemistry; Jason mocking Spinelli.

Late February

Things that suck:  GH lecturing its viewers against violence;  GH lecturing its viewers against violence and then immediately returning to the violence-fest it has been for a decade; the leading men and moral compasses of this show being a life long sadistic criminal and his unrepentant hitman; Michael's kidnapping; Marianna; Ric playing dress-up-the-abused-Barbie with Marianna; pimping Campbell's soup; Lucky getting shot again; the hitman being the hero again; Trevor;  the Text Message Killer storyline; Diego; Sam being in danger AGAIN; Emily being brutally killed AGAIN; Emily the Tumor; Max the bodyguard's aim with a gun; writing a serial killer storyline without knowing who will be the killer; trying to pass of a character who died onscreen as a serial killer; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Maxie and Spinelli's friendship; Patrick finally getting a clue about Robin's pregnancy; Rick Springfield singing on Oprah.

Early March

Things that suck:  Insanely awful "special" effects; Brian Frons; Alexis and Jerry together; Liz as damsel in distress; Sam being in danger AGAIN; the hitman being the hero AGAIN; the black-and-white Spinelli fantasies; Marianna; Sonny being all smiley and flirtatious with Kate while his kid is missing; this show never letting Jason lose; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Maxie making Spinelli more tolerable; Patrick and Robin; Patrick and Elizabeth's friendship; Jax as Kate's friend; Jax telling Carly off about her insane infatuation with Jason; Alexis and Nikolas fighting Cassadine-style; the baby who plays Jake; Epiphany being non-annoying.

Mid March

Things that suck:  The idea that we're supposed to be worried about a hitman's career-threatening injury; Marianna; Michael being a mobster-in-training; the show's refusal to SORAS Michael; Johnny in the loony bin, composing music with a Sharpie; Ric Hearst's hair; Emily the Tumor; Robin and Patrick arguing for 17 years about the same things; half the town being on a pier that gets blown up; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Ric and Claudia's potential to be a hot couple; Sarah Brown's fitness routine; FlirtySam; Kelly Monaco's dedication to providing us with endless amounts of entertaining screencaps; Spencer being older because that means Courtney has been dead longer; Maxie's wardrobe; Bradford Anderson's torso; Tracy and Monica feuding.

Late March

Things that suck:  Maurice Benard's facial expressions; Ric saving Carly's life; Emily the Tumor returning; Claudia being an asshole to Robin; Claudia having the hots for Johnny; Johnny; Lulu; rooting for one psycho mobster over another; the 356th miscarriage on this horrible show; Jason's ridiculous injury; Logan not being brutally hot; feeling positively about Jason Morgan's portrayer; Sam's wardrobe; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Patrick and Robin; Patrick and Robin finally having a new conversation; Johnny beating up Sonny; OD'ing on cuteness; Patrick's hotness; Laura Wright's performance following Carly's miscarriage; Jasper Jacks being the best mothereffing truth-teller in the history of truthy truth-telling about truth; awesome dialogue.

Early to Mid April

Things that suck:  This show being acutely lame; Ian shooting Michael; Bob Guza being both dumb and evil; Sonny's duh face; realizing you hate the daughter of Luke and Laura; Claudia trying to sex up Luke; ripping off The Devil Wears Prada; Jason's stupid hand injury; Nadine; Spinelli being a freakish caricature; a horrible blow-off brief montage to "celebrate" GH's 45th anniversary; the people who are in charge of this show on the occasion of its 45th anniversary; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Quartermaines; Kate's shoes and handbag; Ric and Marianna breaking up; Robin saying "the muffin"; Maxie telling Robin she can't keep her baby in a closet; Steve Burton and Jason Thompson reacting to Spinelli being a freakish caricature; Patrick's hotness; Carly demonstrating self-awareness; April Fool's Day.

Late April

Things that suck:  Finding out that without Jason Thompson, Patrick is pretty much just a dick; unironic use of the term "babymama"; being on Carly's side in an argument; Ian; Jason's carpal tunnel braces; Alexis and Jerry as a couple; Lulu; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Patrick and Robin; the prospect of a decent storyline for Ric Hearst; Alexis and Diane.

Early May

Things that suck:  Robin's wardrobe; the writers not remembering who Nikolas's family members are; Anthony forcing Lulu to date Johnny a few months after Scott forced Lulu to date Logan; the writers thinking they've redeemed Jerry; Sam's hair and wardrobe; this show not understanding the concept of a sweeps period; putting Jason Thompson in a Mr. Rogers cardigan; Spinelli and Maxie kissing; Lulu's wardrobe; Lulu; finding out Emily the Tumor wasn't gone for good; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Anna; drunken Luke and Anna; Luke and Nikolas having a mature relationship; Luke and Tracy having a great conversation; Maxie; Lulu being onscreen less; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Becky Herbst's improving hair color; thinking Emily the Tumor was gone for good; Spinelli becoming slightly tolerable; Max standing up to Sonny.

Mid May

Things that suck:  Sonny calling Claudia a whore; the ramp-up for Carly and Sonny v.87; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  East coast weather.

Late May

Things that suck:  Michael's really, really long goodbye; Limo Sex (EW); Kate's wardrobe; mob-related misogyny from yet another family; Jerry stabbing Claudia; the stupidity of how Claudia ended up after the stabbing at Spoon Island; Jerry and Alexis making out; Johnny and Lulu's stupid caper; Alan being dead; Ghost Alan in a tracksuit; Jason and Liz as a couple; the dumbass blog war; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Jax bolting on Carly; Jax kissing Kate; Spencer being even older because that means Courtney has been dead even longer; Sebastian Roche and Nancy Lee Grahn's chemistry; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Steve Burton and Becky Herbst's chemistry; Maxie's hair; Maxie's wardrobe.

Early June

Things that suck:  Sonny beating up Spinelli; Spinelli's hair; Kate's wardrobe; Lulu's smugness; Jason adding arson to his CV; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  This show being slightly less stupid than usual; Mac being parental; Sam giving Spinelli advice; Alexis; Diane's disdain for Sonny; Liz and Lucky as parents to adorable children; Greg Vaughn's foxiness; Lucky and Sam being sexy; Patrick's hotness; Robin feeling the baby's first kick; Jax verbally kicking the crap out of Carly; Jason being soooo over Sonny.

Mid June

Things that suck:  Claudia and Johnny's inappropriately sexual sibling chemistry; Claudia trying to turn Maxie into a hooker; Lulu's wardrobe; Claudia's wardrobe; resurgence of the blog war; Sonny bullying Spinelli; Carly and Alexis freaking out about having a mob kingpen's babies, at least five years too late; Jackie Zeman's plastic surgery; Maxie and Spinelli kissing; Nadine; Nadine's wardrobe; Robin collapsing; Kimberly McCullough's haircut; Leyla; Jax and Carly trying to make things work; Jax giving Carly a charm bracelet; Jerry giving Jax relationship advice; the "hero" of the show talking about banging a woman's head against a table; the Daytime Emmys; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Sam and Elizabeth having a grown-up conversation; Maxie's wardrobe; Spinelli being less annoying; Lucky and Sam on the run; Patrick's hotness; Elizabeth as a friend and mother; Greg Vaughn's foxiness.

Late June

Things that suck:  Jax being creepily obsessed with Carly possibly being pregnant; Carly being all 1998 with her Who's the Daddy drama redux; Robin being a bitch; Kate and Sonny's engagement; Patrick and Robin's umpteenth repeat of the baby argument; Logan being invisible; Nadine being a Smurf; Epiphany; Jason Morgan's wikipedia entry being longer than Nelson Mandella's; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.  
Things that do not suck:  Lucky and Sam on the run; Diane; Diane and Max; Sonny being annoyed by Diane and Max; Robin and Patrick; Patrick's hotness; Claudia rescuing Spinelli from his drunkenness; Sarah Brown and Steve Burton's chemistry; Maxie; Maxie's wardrobe; this screencap.

Early July

Things that suck:  Kate being a spineless mob apologist; Kate's wardrobe resembling that of a Golden Girl; the fact that the showrunners ruin everything that they touch, without even trying; statutory rape by a man in his 40s resulting in the victim being called a whore by her father; half the characters in the opening credits being dead; Lulu being a dumb, smug brat; more young female characters being brutalized; making Three's Company look like comedic art; killing off yet another character, especially the son of Scott Baldwin; the end of brutal hotness; this show turning yet another military veteran into a psychopath; Lulu committing homicide; the idea that cheating on your current husband with your ex-husband isn't really cheating; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Sonny/Robin scenes; the fact that Mallory has a copy of Robin's Diary

Mid July

Things that suck:  Ingo Rademacher naming his child after a legume; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Having access to pot as good as Ingo Rademacher's; finding out that Genie Francis will make even a brief return to GH. 

Late July

Things that suck:  A woman being so awful that her estranged husband jumps out of an airplane to escape her; the fact that said woman is the heroine of this show; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Soapy fights; Jax and Carly breaking up. 

Mid August

Things that suck:  Lulu and Johnny on the run; Lourdes; Lulu losing her mind;  the idea that Lulu's Logsan hallucination was anything other than hilarious; Kate's wardrobe; unrealistic pregnancy bellies; more mobsters in Port Charles; turning even Spinelli into a sexist; Claudia being everywhere; bloggers' brains being broken by a soap opera; Ingo Rademacher's haircut; Spinelli's antics (emphasis on tics); Becca thinking that Jason looks hot; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Unintentional hilarity of Lulu's Logan hallucination; DVRs failing to record this show; Liz's bitchface. 

Late August

Things that suck:  Vincent Pastore's stunt casting; the fact that this writing team can't even make us want to watch Laura Spencer; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  The Olympics.

Early September

Things that suck:  Running out of adjectives to describe how terrible this show is; Maxie sucking up to the mob; Kate's wardrobe; the latest "trial"; Scott being an asshole; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Patrick and Robin; Sam and Lucky; Becky Herbst looking gorgeous.

Mid September

Things that suck:  Virtually everything about this show; the fact that Becca still watches The Real World/Road Rules Challenge; how much worse this show is than its spin-off; these horrible "writers" referencing Randy Pausch; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Maxie's wardrobe; Greg Vaughn and Kelly Monaco being uber-hot together; Jax finding out about Limo Sex.

Late September

Things that suck:  This show being more predictable than the rotation of our planet; Kate getting shot at her wedding, specifically with a bullet meant for Sonny; violence set to music; Carly providing medical care; Carly being everything to everyone all the time; Tivo associating this shitfest with Gloria Monty; Spinelli's lameness; Kate; Olivia; the idea that Sonny is sexy; Carly's ability to make anything about her; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Elizabeth and Jason sharing a decent scene; Becky Herbst being crazy beautiful.

Early October

Things that suck:  Sonny having yet another newly discovered kid; the writers introducing new characters to either ignore or ruin; Vincent Pastore's stunt casting; Nadine; everything about Ric and Claudia, except them hooking up, and the awesomeness of their portrayers; Becky Herbst's hair color; Liz being shocked that Jason would put the mob ahead of her and their child; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Robin and Patrick; Greg Vaughn holding a baby; Jake's "I'll never forget, bitch" expression; Ric and Claudia together; Liz's bitchface.

Mid October

Things that suck:  Sonny being in 97% of the minutes in a week of GH; Claudia; the Giambetti clan; Vincent Pastore's stunt casting; Olivia, rampant use of "bitch" and "whore"; yet another paternity secret involving Sonny; duh faces; agreeing with Carly; Olivia being right repeatedly; Kate being a delusional moron; what these hacks have done to Luke Spencer; what the hair and wardrobe departments did to Jane Elliot; Nadine; Tyler Christopher being saddled with what they're doing to Nikolas; Carly being smug; this show being really stupid; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that did not suck:  Jason Thompson being hilarious; Patrick and Coleman as buddies; Maxie; Maxie's wardrobe; Laura Wright's hair; Johnny being a loon instead of schmoopy with Lulu; Edward's jaunty hat; Greg Vaughn's foxiness.

Late October

Things that suck:   Luke and Tracy's "fun" "adventures" on the run; Olivia; the show's hero acting like a pissy child; how OTT Bruce Weitz is; Scott being a factually incorrect manipulative asshole to Laura; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Laura; Becky Herbst's prettiness; the scenes leading up to Robin and Patrick's wedding.

Early November

Things that suck:  Coleman being sleazy; Nadine's annoyingness; Olivia; Johnny; Spinelli being stupid in addition to his normal setting of weird; Sam being in danger AGAIN; reusing sets related to one of GH's worst stories ever; Carly saving Sonny's life; Russian mobsters' horrible aim with knives; Jax and Carly's on-again-ness; flashbacks to Limo Sex; brutal murder committed by "heroes"; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia. 
Things that do not suck:  Emma Scorpio-Drake; Patrick's hotness; Kimberly McCullough's awesomeness; Max; Maxie; bitchface; Laura's return; Genie Francis and Anthony Geary onscreen together; Nikolas/Lucky/Maxie adventures; Robin and Patrick's first attempt at a wedding; Mac; Anna; Maxie; Sonny getting stabbed; Lainey/Kelly/Epiphany cuteness; Becky Herbst's bone structure; Ingo Rademacher in a suit; Quartermaines; many medical professionals at a wedding on a show ostensibly about a hospital; Patrick's hotness; flashes of who Jason could be if he didn't kill people for a living.

Mid November

Things that suck:  Diane losing her mind and propping Carly; duh faces; Lulu's ridiculously intense smugness; Nadine; Nadine and Nikolas's possible marriage of convenience; Maxie's Liz hatred; the phrase "Jason is a stud"; Patrick's sweater; reminding viewers of Georgie's horrendous murder; putting another young woman in danger; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Robin and Patrick as parents; Patrick's hotness; Maxie.

Late November

Things that suck:  Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  The Thanksgiving episode with Robin's alternate reality.

Early December

Things that suck:  Kate; Olivia; Jake in danger; Robin's hideous plaid coat; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Patrick and Robin; Maxie.

Mid December

Things that suck: Lulu/Johnny/Maxie "wacky" roommate shenanigans; Sam being in danger AGAIN; Sonny and Claudia's marriage of convenience; Johnny working at a Christmas tree lot; Luke faking a heart attack; Nadine; plow patents being discussed on a soap opera; Jerry on DVD; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Pre-Christmas sales.

Late December

Things that suck:  Lulu and Johnny; Carly; Jason; Sonny; the mafia.
Things that do not suck:  Patrick and Robin's wedding; all things Scorpio/Drake; Maxie.


Total things that sucked in 2008:    430
Total things that did not suck in 2008:   178

Verdict:  Our bitterness was completely legitimate!  This show is at least 71% horrible, and without Becky Herbst's genetic blessings, Patrick, Robin, Maxie, and Jax, it would be approximately 92% horrible! 

We love math.  And hate this show.


Great Review. Here's my succinct personal review -
Things that TOTALLY suck: Guza, Frons and Phelps; killing off the Quartermaines; General Hospital since 2000
Things that DON'T suck: The Quartermaines; firing Guza, Frons, and Phelps in 2009; bringing back Alan and the Qs

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