In Which I See Red. Crimson Red, To Be Specific
The United States is mired in an economic crisis and ABC Daytime is feeling the pinch: the previews for the next day's episodes are long gone and even Susan Lucci herself has agreed to take a paycut! Threat Level Midnight, indeed.
So it is in the interest of being a good person that I offer the following suggestion to help ABC out: instead of going to the trouble of filming five episodes of General Hospital a week, why not just call up every audience member and tell them that you hate them, have zero respect for their intelligence and make a joke about their mom? Since approximately two dozen people are still watching GH these days, it won't take you too long, and it would be way more cost effective than producing the show. You're welcome!
Today's episode, obviously, made me cranky. And I don't know if it's the bitter cold or the fact that Starbucks got rid of the gingerbread latte in favor of the far inferior gingersnap latte (there are pieces of ginger in it! It is gross!) or a lack of sleep, but it made me more even cranky than it usually makes me. I was mere minutes away from going full-on Corinthos and chucking a brandy decanter at the wall.
To call Carly's plot to humiliate Kate by showing up to the Crimson party in the same gown dumb would be an insult to all sorts of dumb things. Why would the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine not get a custom made dress? Does Anna Wintour shop for her clothes at Nordstrom where any lunatic hotel owner off the street could buy the same one? I think not.
The most glaring dumb thing, of course, is that we watched a GROWN WOMAN engage in silly shenanigans to embarrass her rival in public. Bob Guza doesn't have an original bone in his body, so I have to assume that he was ripping off Mean Girls and didn't realize that when GROWN WOMEN do such ridiculous things that they don't come across as just bitchy, but actually unhinged.
This is the heroine of our show, everyone! You know how I know she's the heroine of the show? Because pretty much every single human being onscreen today threw themselves at her feet to worship her.
Gwyneth: It's been quite a year for you, hasn't it? As I understand it, you've been shot twice and still not married. But don't worry. You're among friends, and the dress looks almost as spectacular on you as it does on Carly.
Warren: Carly, what a lovely party. You are a wonderful hostess, whether it's a backyard barbecue or a last-minute cocktail party.
Lulu: I wanted Carly to beat Kate. After everything she's been through, she deserves a win.
This show hurts my feelings.
Kate didn't exactly cover herself with glory, either, what with sneering about Carly's divorce and going out in public with her hair looking like that But nobody (Carly excepted!) is perfect.
It's impossible to watch anything Kate-related these days without being overcome with sympathy for Megan Ward. How much do the writers obviously not give a damn about Kate? The speed with which they throw characters aside for their brand new toy is nothing new, but this actually makes me uncomfortable! Every character hates and insults her, she gets shown up by Carly, of all people, and her role on the show is rapidly being usurped by Olivia, who, it must be said, is wretched. Not wretched enough that I liked watching her get stabbed
but wretched enough that I didn't feel compelled to write one of the borderline hysterical "Violence is never the answer! Someone think of the children!" entries that I usually write after an instance of mob violence.
Lisa LoCicero has a hilarious interview in the December 9th issue of Soap Opera Digest where she makes fun of her "slutty-looking" face, and she seems like a lot of fun, but OH MY GOD I HATE OLIVIA.
Olivia: It is amusing. Connie, you are amusing. I mean, if my brother -- excuse me, your cousins would have been here, they would be rolling on the floor laughing watching you work this room, working these people, walking around like you're all smart and powerful. Honey, you don't even know your enemies from your friends. I guess that's why you have to have a party for yourself in the first place.
Wasn't she the one who called Claudia a rank bitch a few short weeks ago? There is a huge pot, kettle, black situation going on here.
Olivia: You set yourself up for it when you slept with Carly's husband. You can't think she wasn't going to retaliate.
Who the hell takes Carly's side over their own family?! No one. Even Bobbie would root against Carly, just on principle.
And then after she got stabbed, she refused to go to the hospital because her son calls her all the time and would want to visit her.
Olivia: Listen to me. My son is already calling me 20 times a day on the phone. He gets another call, I'm in the hospital, he is going to rally the troops, and we're going to have the whole Falconeri family swarming General Hospital. Believe me, it's not something you want.
1. No, that is not something I want, because introducing the Falconeri family would mean massive firings to make room for them on canvas, which means that, like, Monica and Lucky would be gone.
2. Isn't Dante, like, twenty years old (and even that estimate is being kinder to Maurice Benard than he actually deserves)? Why is he calling his mother incessantly? This is laying the groundwork for either a Very Special Storyline or a takeoff of the creepy family sketch from Paul Rudd's episode of Saturday Night Live...
Today's episode was also notable for Jake's big rescue.
It's so typical of this show that he was kidnapped right at Thanksgiving. They sure do love violent crime at the holidays, don't they? Emily's funeral was last Thanksgiving, Georgie was killed at Christmas time...at least this kidnapping happened off camera [Comment about relief at not having to see the kidnapping in great detail with Cam being, like, pistol whipped redacted because there is a chance that they'd use that idea in one of their Christmas episodes--Ed.] and was resolved relatively quickly. Plus it led to some quality Cam scenes, and we all know that I am a sucker for Cam.
Everything else about this story, like the inability the writers have to write a compelling story for Jason, Liz, Lucky and Sam, is a story for another time, because I don't have the energy tonight to go to the thesaurus and find synonyms for "bad", "predictable" and "lazy"...