On The Plus Side, There Has Been No Murder (Unless You Count The Systematic Murder of My Soul...)
Lately, General Hospital has been so boring that I have resorted to bribing myself in order to make it through a full episode, which is so sad on so many different levels, especially since I cheat anyway and fast forward.
And I feel sort of petty even complaining about it because a year ago, we were rewarded for our faithful viewing with the senseless murder of Georgie Jones (a legacy character killed at Christmas by a serial killer who had already offed another legacy character and who was eventually revealed to be a person we all saw die onscreen, a storyline so epically stupid that English doesn't include words to really describe it, unless you count "huge, cosmic ball of suck"). Legacy characters haven't been dropping left and right these days--I probably shouldn't speak too soon because it's only Thursday and who knows, tomorrow might have an explosion at the hospital, killing off pesky non-mobbed up characters in one fell swoop--, children haven't been shot in the head--again, knock on wood--which is always a good thing, but...it is SO BORING. Sometimes when I am watching, my eyes glaze over and all of a sudden, the next time I look at the clock, like, half an hour has gone by. That's scary! After years of watching this show, has my brain started to disintegrate?!
If anything is going to give me a My Sweet Audrina like Swiss cheese brain, it will be the boringness of this show. An inventory of the week's major stories:
- Wacky roommate shenanigans with Maxie, Lulu and Johnny. What's better than forced hilarity? I mean, besides actual, legitimate hilarity...
Sam in peril! That hasn't happened since early December!
Claudia and Sonny hate each other, but are married! Cue the laugh track.
Johnny, the rebel and lone wolf of the Zacchara clan, is striking out on his own and working at a Christmas tree lot.
Luke tying to win back Tracy in scenes more staggeringly pathetic than Luke's other staggeringly pathetic scenes of late
Nadine's aunt and her plow patent. Yes, you read that correctly. A plow patent. This is a storyline on a nationally televised program
Jason and Sonny something something
Yeah, that's appointment viewing, all right.
I don't know if it's the fact that Lulu and Johnny, separately and together, hurt me or if it's the fact that entire television shows have been based on the premise of people living together and hilariously not getting along, but these hijinx are terrible and do nothing but make me want to watch old episodes of Felicity to reminisce about Felicity and Megan and Megan's box.
Besides, if the show really needed a wacky take on Three's Company, I think we all know that the third party should have been Ghost Logan.
Sure, that would merely be ripping off sitcoms and Weekend at Bernie's, but the entertainment potential would be endless. Also, I just felt like posting that picture again. Oh, Josh Duhon. Didn't we almost have it all?
And, oh man, Johnny's work drama is painful to watch. How entertaining is it to watch a soap opera during an economic depression and see a mafia scion blather on about work? NOT VERY.
Lulu: This is good, honest work. Nothing to look down on. And after the holidays, you'll get a better job.
Johnny: Yeah, well, you know what? I'd sling Christmas trees for the rest of my life if it meant I didn't have to go back to my family.
You, sir, are a drama queen.
Alexis exists! Yay!
And Alexis looks amazing! Yay!
And then she and Luke had this mind-blowingly dumb exchange! Yay!
Alexis: True. All right, maybe I'm just projecting. I mean, after all, I have three children with three different fathers, and I don't think I've been the love of any of their lives. I don't think I've ever kissed a boy without it turning into an unmitigated disaster.
Luke: Is it just me, or is this whole conversation now kind of turning towards Jerry Jacks?
Is it just me or is this whole conversation an opening to ask about Sam's mysterious father? An opening that Luke COMPLETELY IGNORED in favor of asking about Jerry?! WHAT THE HELL???
I have to be honest, I fast forwarded through most of the scenes about Luke faking his heart attack, partly because I was so used to fast forwarding that I did it out of habit and partly because...Tony Geary, if you are reading this, can we have a heart to heart? I know you're an award-winning legend who pretty much works five days a year and that's great and you have been responsible for a whole lot of awesome, but...I think it is time to leave. On a high note, even! I just find it upsetting to watch you slog through this awful material. Thank you in advance.
Tyler Christopher's facial expression accurately conveys how I feel about this insipid story.
Part exhaustion, part being distracted, part "are you kidding me with this shit, seriously?"
As a certified Nadine hater, I was predisposed to dislike it, but not even I was prepared for the depth of badness that this storyline has provided.
Nadine: Oh, I can't wait to go to the factory. I want to see her invention coming right off the assembly line.
The only time that sentence is remotely acceptable is on Mr. Rogers.
The Sonny/Claudia/Jason scenes that, of course, dominated the week bored me so badly that I will not be discussing them, because I have no real idea what is going on. From what I gleaned from my fast forwarding, there are issues and...things that...happen. But I can't be bothered to care. Nor can I be bothered to care about this:
Jerry: Surprise. Oh, I wish I could see your reaction right now, Claudia. Your heart racing, the look on that lovely face of yours. Shock mingled with anger. The ever-present hint of lust. Oh, my god, you are such a fine specimen. Alas, by now, I've probably vanished without a trace or died trying. It's pretty likely that I'll never have the pleasure of your company again. But, as you know, I am an amoral bastard and I draw the line at shooting children. And in point of fact, Michael was Jax's stepson. It seems really unfair that the poor kid's lying in a permanent state of coma while you go on your merry way. So, even though I loathe Sonny, he's a father and has a right to know what you've done, which probably means that Sonny will kill you. But I think that you deserve a fighting chance tosave yourself. Besides, I like games. So I'm going to play a little game with you. I made a lovely dvd detailing your part in Michael's shooting. The dvd is hidden in Sonny's house somewhere. If you find it before Sonny, you can save yourself. So let the games begin, darling.
Sigh. And Jerry's sinister demeanor is all too similar to how I imagine Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps to be when they are planning stories...