Serial Drama

Oh, Sweet Comeuppance

I offer the following with no real commentary, because no words will actually do it justice and I don't exactly know how to convey excited gibberish and squealing sounds in written form...

 

Jack: Are you sure this wasn't an allergic reaction?

Jeff: No, no, doc said definitely the burn came from whatever was in that jar, not something my system overreacted to.

Jack: Do you maybe remember the name of it?

Jeff: The face cream? Um... something from jabot. Um... GloAgain. That's it.

Jack: Where is Gloria? I want to talk to her.

Jeff: In jail.

Jack: In jail? Why?

Jeff: Uh... while I was in the E.R.-- Oh, man, I hate to be the one to tell you this--

Jack: Enough with that! Spit it out!

Jeff: She came as soon as she heard. She's very distraught. Oh...hell, what am I saying? She was practically hysterical.

Jack: Because?

Jeff: Well, it turns out she's the one responsible for tampering with that batch of product two and a half years ago. Can you believe it? My own wife was responsible for this whole damned disaster.

FINALLY JACK KNOWS THE TRUTH!

I won't say it was worth the wait, exactly, because the wait was so long that I worked myself up into a rage too many times to count in a way that may have given me an actual ulcer and this payoff wasn't quite perfect enough to overcome literal years of torment at the hands of Gloria and her throbbing veins and self-righteousness. And I had long held out hope that Jack would be the one to discover the truth on his own, proving yet again that the soaps in my head are way better than the soaps we actually see, but overdue and imperfect though it may be, I can't deny that this was more than a little amazing.

Yes, This Relationship Has "Success" Written All Over It

Reese: But I didn't do anything wrong. What did I do? What did I do? I -- I -- I fell in love. I -- I had a child. Well, shame on me.

Yes, Reese, shame on you! For being a MORON.

One of the most irritating things about All My Children--and there are many irritating things about All My Children including, but not limited to, a baffling lack of Stuart, the insistence that Ryan and Greenlee are anything but maddening, the absurd propping of Babe even after she died, and, of course, the myriad plot holes, character assassinations and poor dialogue that occur on a daily basis, so by saying this is one of the most irritating things should highlight just how irritating it is--is the fact that so many storylines start off...well, well. They are intriguing, and entertaining and I find myself actively wanting to tune in the next day, and then out of NOWHERE comes the badness, and it comes fast and furious and then...rage.

This happens all too often, and, yes, I realize how sad it is that I repeatedly fall into the traps set for me by the AMC writers. But sometimes things sound really good at first and you can't help but be hopeful.

Like, say...the pairing of Bianca and Reese. I am a fan of Tamara Braun (we do exist!) and I was intrigued by this pairing (not least because it would be a vast improvement over Bianca's last romance but, then again, what wouldn't be?). And yet, ever since that press release was published, it has been downhill in a major way, what with the never-ending barrage of terrible ideas that get foisted upon the innocent audience.

What is especially galling is that the writers didn't even have a plan aside from "Bianca and Reese are in love. The end". They ruined or tried to ruin a handful of characters based on that half-assed "plot", and I use that therm loosely. What the hell kind of couple is this and why should we sacrifice good storylines for them?

I mean...

...Reese didn't know about Bianca's complicated history with JR and all of the balcony-pushing, baby-stealing, Carey-whoring drama that went along with it

...Bianca didn't know that Reese's parents had a hard time with her coming out, because Reese lied pathologically about it

...Bianca didn't know that Reese was engaged before

...Bianca didn't know that Reese was engaged before TO A MAN

...Reese apparently didn't know that Bianca is a brat with a God complex who inserts herself into situations that someone specifically asked her to stay away from because she thinks she knows better than everybody all the time

And yet they get engaged, raise a child together and go to great lengths to have ANOTHER CHILD despite knowing NOTHING ABOUT EACH OTHER.

WAY TO LIVE DOWN TO STEREOTYPES, AMC.

Truly a Reason to Give Thanks: A GH Episode That Was Not Terrible

Before anyone complains about this looong recap and me fawning over Patrick, bitching about how ugly Robin's shirts are, and drooling over Becky Herbst's bone structure, please remember that a slight majority of you sort-of asked for this. 

Thank you.

We open with Patrick hotly arriving home from the hospital to Robin, who seems gloomy, prompting Patrick to hotly question "Baby, what's wrong?"  She's just new-mom exhausted, having not had time to clean the house or change her clothes or remove the eau de baby spit-up that Emma gave her.  They adorably cuddle on the couch while Patrick hotly tells her he had a day from hell, including a 10-hour surgery on a little boy.  Robin has had a busy day and rattles off a litany of things, including Mac calling about having bought a huge turkey (aw!).  Robin asks what Patrick would have been doing over the holidays in his bachelor days, and while he says he'd have been someplace tropical, Robin points out that she met him in December and he was very much not in the tropics, in fact she walked in on him in the hospital shagging a nurse.  He says she should have knocked.  Ha. 

Patrick looks like he is going to fall asleep sitting up while Robin gets all deep:

Robin:  You know, sometimes it's crazy to think that just one decision can change your entire life.  Like if you turn left then one thing will happen ... I don't know, there's ... I know there's a name for it, I just can't think of it right now.
Patrick:  It's the Butterfly Effect.
Robin:  I'm in love with a really smart man.
Patrick:  Yes, you am.  They say when a ... lay down [Robin cutely puts her head on a pillow in his lap] ... they say when a butterfly flaps its wings in China, it changes the weather in New York.  Some people call it fate; that destiny is inevitable.  And if you're meant to love someone, you will love them, no matter when or how you met.

As Robin dozes off, we get the classic tingly sounds and fuzzy screen that let you know we're in a soapy dream/alternate reality. 

Epiphany, Kelly, and Lainey greet Robin, who has just arrived from a visit to Paris yet inexplicably is wearing a hideously ugly top.  Robin is laden with gifts for her roomies, Lainey and Kelly, and for Epiphany.  I should focus on something else, like how different must Epiphany be in an alternate reality to deserve a gift from Paris, but I am fixated on this shirt.  Oh, Alternate Reality Robin, you disappoint me. 

This thing is equal parts maddening and confusing.  It's like Gunne Sax tried to make club wear.

Robin wants to know what's new, and what's new is a neurosurgeon named Patrick Drake.  He is "smokin' hot" according to Kelly, and we know she is correct because 1) even a broken clock is right twice a day, and 2) her variable group by which to measure hotness is enormous.  Lainey and Epiphany fill in that he's also an arrogant horndog, but Kelly is stuck on the hot part.  As she always . . . No, you know what?  I'm not going to make the easy slut joke there.  I'm taking a stand!

Robin checks herself out in the locker room mirror and somehow manages not to rip that hideola top right off her tiny frame.  Perhaps given another minute she would have, but she's distracted by giggling coming from the shower. 

Of course, Patrick is in there with a nurse.  Leyla, to be precise.  Kimberly McCullough demonstrates reason #178 she is awesome with this Expression Hall of Fame-worthy "Leyla?!"

A shirtless and kind of douchebaggy Patrick is all "we're a little busy in here."  Let's focus less on the douchebaggy, more on the shirtless, shall we?  And the hotness.

The regular credits play, to remind you of the shitfest you have to suffer through every other day of the year to get this one holiday-themed mob-free nugget of soapiness. 

Oh, This Poor Child

Young Emma Lavery has not had an easy life.

The man she thought was her father turned out to be a deranged sexual predator, who was eventually murdered by Jonathan Lavery.

The man who is her biological father is an epic douchebag.

Her mother has been slowly driven insane by the fact that she is in love with the aforementioned epic douchebag and, after a downward spiral including scheming to get pregnant, murdering her brother, framing kids for the murder, attempting to murder Greenlee, faking the kidnapping of Emma, shooting Di, stabbing Erica and strangling Aidan, is currently being held against her will in a mental hospital.

Her family life is tragic enough, but what about the fact that she is the loneliest human being to ever live?!

Emma: Can we get whipped cream on our hot chocolate?

Greenlee: Gobs of it.

Emma: You're the best friend I ever had.

That is literally the saddest statement I have ever heard. What must your life be like if Greenlee is your best friend? She is fabulous in many ways, but being a good friend is not one of those ways. I guess it is possible that Emma is sucking up for whipped cream, but I doubt it...

I can't imagine liking Greenlee and Ryan as a couple in any way, shape or form, unless I suffered a head trauma, so I am biased, but...are they in any way root-worthy? I am asking sincerely. I mean, Annie is in a mental institution because of them and Greenleeis already bonding with Emma? At least wait a couple of weeks before you start flaunting your soulmateness, you know? It just comes down to basic manners.

Please Read This Post With The "Jaws" Theme Song Playing In Your Head

Reader Mia mentioned the other day that this terrible thing on GH had happened and I didn't have the heart to watch Tuesday's episode to see it for myself. I also didn't have the heart to watch Tuesday's episode because I still feel sick about Monday's episode. But I finally got caught up and it's true. We got saddled with the return of Robin's hideous plaid coat. 

Out of all the legitimately cute plaid coats in the world, they chose to purchase this one...

Out of all the GH clothing items of yesteryear, they pulled this one out of wardrobe....

And, multiple times, they have forced us to look at this amazing Technicolor plaid monstrosity...

The mind boggles. "Let's put the adorable girl in this OVERSIZED, BRIGHTLY AND ALSO CLASHING COLORED COAT"?

Viewers are leaving your show in DROVES. And your storytelling is AWFUL and will surely cost you more of your audience. And your you decide to compound that with this coat? FAIL.

Our Latest Soap Opera Digest Column

In the December 9th issue of Soap Opera Digest, we turned our attention to Days of Our Lives, General Hospital and The Young and the Restless. After the jump, Becca looks back on the quality entertainment that Days and GH provided (she is as surprised as you are that she made it to 500 words), and Mallory wonders why the Y&R writers refuse to tell a story that isn't about Victor Newman. 

In Which I See Red. Crimson Red, To Be Specific

The United States is mired in an economic crisis and ABC Daytime is feeling the pinch: the previews for the next day's episodes are long gone and even Susan Lucci herself has agreed to take a paycut! Threat Level Midnight, indeed.

So it is in the interest of being a good person that I offer the following suggestion to help ABC out: instead of going to the trouble of filming five episodes of General Hospital a week, why not just call up every audience member and tell them that you hate them, have zero respect for their intelligence and make a joke about their mom? Since approximately two dozen people are still watching GH these days, it won't take you too long, and it would be way more cost effective than producing the show. You're welcome!

Today's episode, obviously, made me cranky. And I don't know if it's the bitter cold or the fact that Starbucks got rid of the gingerbread latte in favor of the far inferior gingersnap latte (there are pieces of ginger in it! It is gross!) or a lack of sleep, but it made me more even cranky than it usually makes me. I was mere minutes away from going full-on Corinthos and chucking a brandy decanter at the wall.

To call Carly's plot to humiliate Kate by showing up to the Crimson party in the same gown dumb would be an insult to all sorts of dumb things. Why would the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine not get a custom made dress? Does Anna Wintour shop for her clothes at Nordstrom where any lunatic hotel owner off the street could buy the same one? I think not.

The most glaring dumb thing, of course, is that we watched a GROWN WOMAN engage in silly shenanigans to embarrass her rival in public. Bob Guza doesn't have an original bone in his body, so I have to assume that he was ripping off Mean Girls and didn't realize that when GROWN WOMEN do such ridiculous things that they don't come across as just bitchy, but actually unhinged.

This is the heroine of our show, everyone! You know how I know she's the heroine of the show? Because pretty much every single human being onscreen today threw themselves at her feet to worship her.

Gwyneth: It's been quite a year for you, hasn't it? As I understand it, you've been shot twice and still not married. But don't worry. You're among friends, and the dress looks almost as spectacular on you as it does on Carly.

Warren: Carly, what a lovely party. You are a wonderful hostess, whether it's a backyard barbecue or a last-minute cocktail party.

Lulu: I wanted Carly to beat Kate. After everything she's been through, she deserves a win.

This show hurts my feelings.

Kate didn't exactly cover herself with glory, either, what with sneering about Carly's divorce and going out in public with her hair looking like that But nobody (Carly excepted!) is perfect.

poll by twiigs.com

I Am Struggling Valiantly Not To Make A "Thong Song" Joke

The good news: All My Children won __________ of the Week honors somewhere! Usually all this show wins is "Mallory's Profanity Laced Tirade of the Week", so this is exciting and new for them.

The bad news: That somewhere is The Soup and the Clip of the Week honors.

More bad news: That means that in a television landscape that includes The Hills, Paris Hilton's My New BFF and Rock of Love: Charm School, All My Children did something embarrassing enough to warrant this special mention.

Bad news continued: The clip was all about whether or not Cameron Mathison was wearing a thong.

I have to say, after Zaprudering this clip in a way that made me feel very uncomfortable, I don't know if that's a thong; I think it might be a t-shirt that bunched up in an unfortunate way.

poll by twiigs.com

What's This I See? Soapy Goodness?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an hour of television centered upon the Abbott siblings interacting, the Chancellors and Jabot is guaranteed to be ejoyable. Needless to say, I loved today's Jabot takeover something fierce. It was so good that not even the presence of Gloria and Jeffrey, or the b-plots of unhinged, clingy Phyllis and Noah and Eden rebelling without cause or acting talent can tarnish it. And then when you take into consideration the fact that Victor was not seen or discussed, you have a pretty great episode of The Young and the Restless.

I have to note, for the record, that I know nothing is ever going to work out for Jack Abbott and it's hard to be happy when he achieves small successes, because you know it's only a matter of time before said successes blow up in his face in an epic, public, humiliating way. As brilliant as this takeover was, I give it a few minutes before it all gets shot to hell. There is no way that Billy is going to stand for being Jack's puppet for long, and given the tendency the writers have for speedy resolutions to storylines, I can see this all blowing up in an epic, publicly humiliating way by...Friday.

But enough of that pessimism! Let's discuss the fabulosity of today's show.

A large part of why I enjoyed today's show so much is that it led to lots of yelling by Jess Walton. I love when she yells! I could easily watch a show five days a week about Jess Walton yelling at random people.

Why am I not a network executive?! That would be a ratings juggernaut!

Brad: So correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the goal of today's little gathering to prove that you're really on top of things? Talk about falling flat on your face.

Jill: Up yours, Bradley.

Tell me you would not watch that show. It would be AMAZING.

I Think I'm Thankful. Yes, I'm Thankful. Wait, Am I Thankful? Help.

You're probably wondering why -- with all of our incessant bitching about how General Hospital has nothing to do with the hospital, how the writers have little concept of family or friends, and how a Very Special GH Episode can't happen without a body count -- we haven't yet posted about last Wednesday's lil' retro hour disguised as a Thanksgiving episode, which bore a remarkable resemblance to a soap opera.  Mostly that's because it took us a while to figure out if we hallucinated it.  But also, there's the very real consideration of . . .

. . . no really, did we hallucinate it?

So the question is, how thankful were you for that holiday episode?  Thankful enough to sit through one of our painstakingly detailed recaps which occasionally include a [hopefully] funny aside?  Or are you already so embittered by the last two days of crap episodes that you can't bear to be reminded of those few decent minutes last week?  Or do you hate everything including the episode and even the idea of a stupid recap and you're headed off to kick Bob Cratchit in the shins?

You are the deciders.

poll by twiigs.com