Truly a Reason to Give Thanks: A GH Episode That Was Not Terrible
Before anyone complains about this looong recap and me fawning over Patrick, bitching about how ugly Robin's shirts are, and drooling over Becky Herbst's bone structure, please remember that a slight majority of you sort-of asked for this.
We open with Patrick hotly arriving home from the hospital to Robin, who seems gloomy, prompting Patrick to hotly question "Baby, what's wrong?" She's just new-mom exhausted, having not had time to clean the house or change her clothes or remove the eau de baby spit-up that Emma gave her. They adorably cuddle on the couch while Patrick hotly tells her he had a day from hell, including a 10-hour surgery on a little boy. Robin has had a busy day and rattles off a litany of things, including Mac calling about having bought a huge turkey (aw!). Robin asks what Patrick would have been doing over the holidays in his bachelor days, and while he says he'd have been someplace tropical, Robin points out that she met him in December and he was very much not in the tropics, in fact she walked in on him in the hospital shagging a nurse. He says she should have knocked. Ha.
Patrick looks like he is going to fall asleep sitting up while Robin gets all deep:
Patrick: It's the Butterfly Effect.
Robin: I'm in love with a really smart man.
Patrick: Yes, you am. They say when a ... lay down [Robin cutely puts her head on a pillow in his lap] ... they say when a butterfly flaps its wings in China, it changes the weather in New York. Some people call it fate; that destiny is inevitable. And if you're meant to love someone, you will love them, no matter when or how you met.
As Robin dozes off, we get the classic tingly sounds and fuzzy screen that let you know we're in a soapy dream/alternate reality.
Epiphany, Kelly, and Lainey greet Robin, who has just arrived from a visit to Paris yet inexplicably is wearing a hideously ugly top. Robin is laden with gifts for her roomies, Lainey and Kelly, and for Epiphany. I should focus on something else, like how different must Epiphany be in an alternate reality to deserve a gift from Paris, but I am fixated on this shirt. Oh, Alternate Reality Robin, you disappoint me.
This thing is equal parts maddening and confusing. It's like Gunne Sax tried to make club wear.
Robin wants to know what's new, and what's new is a neurosurgeon named Patrick Drake. He is "smokin' hot" according to Kelly, and we know she is correct because 1) even a broken clock is right twice a day, and 2) her variable group by which to measure hotness is enormous. Lainey and Epiphany fill in that he's also an arrogant horndog, but Kelly is stuck on the hot part. As she always . . . No, you know what? I'm not going to make the easy slut joke there. I'm taking a stand!
Robin checks herself out in the locker room mirror and somehow manages not to rip that hideola top right off her tiny frame. Perhaps given another minute she would have, but she's distracted by giggling coming from the shower.
Of course, Patrick is in there with a nurse. Leyla, to be precise. Kimberly McCullough demonstrates reason #178 she is awesome with this Expression Hall of Fame-worthy "Leyla?!"
A shirtless and kind of douchebaggy Patrick is all "we're a little busy in here." Let's focus less on the douchebaggy, more on the shirtless, shall we? And the hotness.
The regular credits play, to remind you of the shitfest you have to suffer through every other day of the year to get this one holiday-themed mob-free nugget of soapiness.
Patrick and Robin argue over the best course of treatment for a patient. There are multiple lines of dialogue, on General Hospital and in General Hospital, about the treatment of a patient who is not there as the result of a mob war or monkey virus. Woohoo! Anyway, it devolves into Robin making a comment about Patrick's proclivity towards schtupping nurses, and Patrick replies with the I-didn't-know-you-could-say-that-on-daytime and supremely dickish "When's the last time you got laid, Dr. Scorpio?" In response to Robin (and my) WTF expressions, he continues with "Really, that long huh? Well I highly recommend it. Let me know if you need help with that." Okay, I object. That is not banter! That's just un-witty nastiness. And un-witty nastiness is for regular reality General Hospital, not alternate reality, pretend-the-mob-crap-hasn't-eaten-my-show General Hospital!
Patrick orders a beer from Coleman. This is their first meeting, and Patrick helpfully exposits that he moved to Port Charles about a month ago. They have a moment of boy banter:
Coleman: Coleman. It's just Coleman. Sorta like Elvis or Fabio.
Patrick: Or Cher.
Ha! Also, how have I ever noticed how much Blake Gibbons looks like a mid-80s Kurt Russell?
Perhaps it's because I don't often get to see half of Overboard at 2am on cable because I can't sleep due to being unable to stop making work-related to-do lists both in my head and on the notebook I now keep on my nightstand. But I did this week! I'm a lucky girl.
(BTW, I had to look up Blake Gibbons' name, and is this an okay time to mention that I think it's so bizarre that there are Wikipedia entries for random fictional characters?)
Anyway, Coleman asks how Patrick likes the town and Dr. Drake hilariously responds that he likes it, except last night he got woken up by either a car backfiring or gunfire, he's not sure which yet. Coleman tells him to get used to it. Awesome Writer hates Bob Guza. It's so wonderful.
Patrick and Coleman discuss Robin, family (the reason Patrick moved to Port Charles is because his "father used to work here"), and Patrick's happiness with being an only child.
Cut, of course, to Matt, telling Leyla he has an appointment with the chief of staff (who is not Patrick, because even this alternate reality doesn't take that ridiculous step that the otherwise almost non-mockable second season of Night Shift did). I say of course, but if you missed the one day of the brotherly reveal, you could have been watching GH for months and not know Matt is Patrick's brother. Strike number infinity against the Guza team.
Matt's in a suit with his hair slicked back, no facial hair. He's very Eddie Haskel-ish. Matt kind of flirts with Leyla but she's nonplussed.
In the locker room, Robin protests too much about Patrick and how no woman in her right mind would hit that (girl, please), while Lainey and Kelly literally and verbally roll their eyes and tell her they're taking her out drinking because she needs to chill. On the way out, Robin pauses to point out Leyla and how she's too good for Patrick. I watched the first season of Night Shift, so I'm going to have to disagree.
The ladies show up at Jake's, where Patrick is still parked at the bar. Coleman informs Robin that Patrick's been talking about her and Robin basically tells Coleman to tell Patrick that he can come over and sit with them. OMG, pass a note in study hall much? Coleman relays the message and Patrick seems like he's headed over to Robin and her crew but then play-fakes and goes over to flirt with a woman playing pool who is, it saddens me to report, CARLY. Robin seethes. (It could be over Patrick flirting with Carly, or the fact that she's still wearing that offensively unattractive top.)
Another month has passed, and Robin and Patrick are once again arguing over a patient. But the heavens open up and ALAN walks out of the elevator, restored in this reality to his rightful position as a very much alive, non-track-suit-wearing chief of staff.
(Lookin' good, Stuart Damon!) Alan has to lecture Patrick and Robin about getting along, and introduces the newest neurosurgeon on the staff, Dr. Matt Hunter. Robin introduces herself to Matt rather flirtatiously. Patrick is pissed, allegedly because Alan hired Matt into Patrick's department without consultation but probably really because Robin is flirting with Matt. Matt's all hey, by the way, I'm your brother. That was about the level of attention the reveal in the real reality got, so I'll let it go.
Patrick vents at Carly at Jake's about his dad never telling him about Matt. It's obvious that it's an alternate reality because Carly is actually kind of a good listener and genuinely empathetic.
In the locker room, Robin and Matt continue to chat. Robin runs down Patrick and Matt asks her out. Robin gives the "my life is complicated" line in return. Burn.
At the nurses' station, Patrick flirts with Elizabeth and tries to ask her out, but she knows he's seeing someone. Matt comes out and Patrick picks a fight with him about a patient. Robin shows up at that point to call Patrick a bully, and then accuses Patrick of taking his daddy issues out on Matt. Matt thanks Robin for her intervention after Patrick storms off to report Matt to Alan. Robin accepts Matt's dinner invitation.
Side note: Special thanks to reader Brianne for hooking me up with the segments of this episode I had missed originally because of a special news report about the horrible events in Mumbai. On a normal GH day I would have been grateful to be spared a handful of scenes, but for once I actually wanted to see them. And I got to view them on a legal site and everything. Thanks, Brianne!
Robin and Matt are on their date, at the Metro Court. Robin partly restores her fashion cred by wearing a somewhat cute dress, though it's oddly ill-fitting.
Her first date chatter is quickly interrupted by Carly, who is at a nearby table overlaughing at one of Patrick's jokes that cannot possibly have been that funny. Cram it, Katie Holmes.
Robin asks if Matt wants to relocate but he says no, Patrick shouldn't have a lock on that place. Meanwhile Patrick has presented Carly with NASCAR tickets for a weekend away including "hot sex." I do not like this Patrick, hence the reason you've noticed that "hotly" has not made a recent appearance. Carly turns down Patrick's surprisingly unsexy proposal and then dumps him. Ha!
Robin wants to know what's going over at Patrick's table and is giving Matt a running commentary on Patrick's uncomfortable body language. Matt does that thing TV characters do where they talk about randomly insane stuff to prove the other person isn't listening. Jason Thompson does a great job of playing Patrick's reaction to the dumping as one of total confusion.
"But I never get dumped."
Robin clues in that in fact Patrick is being dumped, and doesn't understand why Matt isn't as gleeful as she is about this development.
Matt realizes this is becoming the date from hell and wants them to get out of there, but Robin keeps rambling on, dropping a couple of notches in my book by describing Carly as "literally a walking trainwreck" -- not possible, Robin! She actually shushes Matt as he tries to get her attention, and then we cut to Carly telling Patrick that maybe they "can be friends" as she heads out the door. Dude, harsh. Robin jumps out of her chair and plops down in the now-empty one at Patrick's table, so that she is in closer proximity for more vicious mocking. Patrick responds to the mocking by renewing his offer to help Robin let go of a little of her pent-up stress. Robin says a very Palin-esque "thanks but no thanks" and adds that she's "here with someone." Patrick points to the vacant chair formerly known as Matt's as evidence that in fact she is not. Yikes. You kind of got pwned there, Dr. Scorpio.
Maxie, in hellaciously awful extensions, shows up at the nurses' station and asks if Robin is there.
Matt says she isn't and is kind of rude, which Maxie points out, and Matt apologizes and explains he's had a crappy night. Maxie suggests they start all over and begins to introduce herself but then -- in the nod to Belle and Shawn that 'shippers everywhere have been waiting for for months -- asks "Actually, did we go to school together or something?" These two have good chemistry. On regular GH, why is Maxie becoming a mafia princess and Matt is invisible? God, that show is terrible.
They continue to chat (flirt) until Robin arrives. I cannot overstate how bad Maxie's hair is, BTW.
Anyway, Robin arrives and Maxie takes off. Robin apologizes to Matt for being rude and hopes that Matt will let her make it up to him.
Meanwhile Patrick shows up at Jake's, where Elizabeth, Lainey, and Kelly are hanging out. The two least competent doctors in town leave Elizabeth unaccompanied, which Coleman, in a roses analogy I am not going to repeat because it would make me feel dirty, points out to Patrick. He joins Elizabeth and inside of 30 seconds he tells Elizabeth that Carly dumped him.
Side note: I know we mention it a lot around here, but seriously, Rebecca Herbst is insanely beautiful. I still want her to go back to the dark hair, but even those highlights can't really dim her skin and bone structure.
Life and genetics are not fair.
Liz starts to take off but Patrick wants her to stay. He turns on the charm and somehow manages to convince her to dance in the otherwise empty Jake's to a song on the jukebox, something that only happens on soap operas. Just as they start, Robin and Matt show up.
Patrick asks Liz to head "someplace that's not so crowded," which of course means go somewhere to Do It. They take off and then Robin and Matt dance on the nonexistent dance floor.
All of these alternate couples have really good chemistry, which just further proves that regular recipe GH is a disaster, since couples with great chemistry are about as rare in Port Charles as days without mob wars.
Patrick and Robin are in the locker room -- stop me if you've heard this before -- arguing about a patient. Worth noting: Patrick is shirtless. He busts out with the classic "you're adorable when you're mad," causing Robin to reach for her temple and me to ponder reinstatement of "hotly."
I'm easy, what can I say?