2009 Is Off To a Great Start For One Port Charles Resident
Lucky Spencer, especially in the Guza regime, experiences joy so seldom that, on the rare occasions that he isn't being written as a slow-witted foil for the "true" "heroes" of the show, I have to re-watch those scenes to understand what actually happened, since on first viewing, I can't focus because of how new and special the occasion is.
And today was pretty much the pinnacle of good times for Lucky!
Lulu: Really? And I bet you didn't even investigate this did you? Right? You just took this Pervis guy for his word, because you think throwing Johnny into prison is going to make me forget about him. But trust me, I'll forget about you first.
Take her up on this offer, Lucky! Run and cut all ties forever! Your blood pressure, mental stability and hearing ability will thank you for it!
Related: Lulu is a vile shrew.
The rest of today's episode can be summed up, as so many General Hospital related things can, with a combination of swearing, eyerolling and the phrase DO NOT WANT.
Resisting Spinelli is absolutely futile, because he's here to stay and be a more integral part of the show than the Quartermaines, Spencers and Scorpios combined, and I am not okay with that, but I won't rage or whine about it...or at least I won't rage or whine about it on a daily basis.
But I am not so graceful in defeat that I will blindlly accept a girl Spinelli.
I have a very low tolerance for pain and I have gotten used to Spinelli's tortured syntax and random allusions only because I was forced to (and because Bradford Anderson has a certain charm to him), and hearing TWO PEOPLE have a belabored, incomprehensible conversation almost made me cry because it hurt so much. Between the cringing and the eyerolling and the ever-present ennui that comes with watching General Hospital, I was in physical pain.
Winifred: I was never so arrogant as to think that I would be touched by greatness, but people like me don't draw people like you into their orbits. So, when I saw you, my circuits overloaded and they fried. I couldn't get you out of my mind.
Winifred: Saga changed the entire landscape of cyber-games. It immediately made Goth's God Revenge and Magic and Myths irrelevant and obsolete.
Spinelli: The Jackal is blown away that you would rank my modest first attempt at online gaming on a par with Goth Gods, I mean --
Winifred: Please, please, you'd have to get to level 10 of Goth before you can even come close to the rush that you get on level one of Saga. I mean, you have made all those other cyber gaming geeks eat your dust and beg for mercy.
I'm not going to lie: I prayed for death.
A story involving a simpleton, a prince and a plow patent sounds like the start of a really bad joke, doesn't it? But, as ever, the only joke here is the elaborate one being played on the audience.
Who thinks to themselves, "You know what the daytime landscape is just screaming for? Intrigue over farm equipment. Oh, yeah. Eat your heart out, Carlivati, this year's Emmy writing is mine!"? And then tops that moment of brilliance with this line:
Mr. Corday: Interfere and you'll be the ones inconvenienced when you find yourselves classified as enemies of the state.
ENEMIES OF THE STATE. I LOLed, both because it's the most inane line of dialogue uttered on any soap thus far in 2009 and also because it seems like being an enemy of the state would be more than a mere inconvenience...
Carly: I hate that you slept with her. It's the only time I felt like you deliberately set out to hurt me, and I know you did it just to pay me back.
Jax: Do you really want to go there?
Carly: Yeah. I have tried to get past this, but I can't. I mean, I want to know what you were thinking when you slept with her and I want to know if you regret it.
Poor Carly, unable to get past the fact that Jax slept with Kate! Especially since it happened multiple times over the course of their relationship, and at one point Jax even went so far as to marry her as a favor when Carly went out of the country! Oh, wait, that is not what happened at all, is it?
I feel like getting all shouty about glass houses, stones and self righteous bitches...
Also, Laura Wright, I feel like I have already asked you politely not to do this
My patience is running out!
The annual Sonny Corinthos Rehabilitation Tour made its way to the Scrubs wing of the show today and we got to hear some of our favorite mantras all at once: Sonny is a good man! Sonny is a good father! Violence can happen to anyone, darn it, Sonny is just a regular guy!
Sonny: Well, let's face it. The odds of the same thing happening to you are small. You are a brilliant, upstanding doctor. Nice, clean life, right? Untouched by violence [except for that time that Robin was being held hostage in the Metro Court, shot, and operated on with office supplies but who remembers anything that happened that long ago? Certainly not the writers!--Ed.]. You've already done more for your kid than I've --
Patrick: Sonny, violence can strike anyone at any time.
Patrick: And as far as I'm seeing, you love your kids. You're trying to be the best father you can be, like every other father.
If only Sonny weren't being forced to be a part of the mob! If only he had experienced a tragic loss at the hands of mafia violence, such as his wife getting blown up in the mid-90s, to reaffirm how dangerous the mob is! Life would be so different!
Sonny: She is absolutely beautiful, just like your momma. Hey, you know what? You're a lucky little girl, because you've hit the jackpot with an amazing woman like your momma. I have known her for how many years? A long time. I know you're going to be loved and wanted, right? For a long time. I hope that you are never harmed.
The baby is going to be wanted for a long time? What? "I hope that you are never harmed"? Who says that?!