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« Our Column In The 2/3 Issue of Soap Opera Digest | Main | Are You There God? It's Me, Lulu »

January 28, 2009

Desperately Seeking Sense

It's completely foreign to experience wish fulfillment whilst watching General Hospital, but a brief moment in yesterday's episode was the culmination of months of wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying.

I've watched that clip, like, a hundred times and I have to be honest, it gets better each time.  "Shut up!" Who knew that two words could pack such a sublime punch?

If Johnny is serious about searching for a job, I vote that he parlays his new truth-telling ways into a lucrative self help empire. Perhaps Edward can get over his distaste for Johnny and finance this enterprise, since the two of them are the only people in Port Charles to exhibit any sort of sense.

Edward:Of course I came. This fundraiser to help injured children is to benefit my great grandson. You know, it's too bad that you two didn't grow a conscience in time to actually help Michael.

Quartermaine snaps are the best kind of snaps, no?

This venture could make tons of money, as there are a ton of people in town who need to be hit with some knowledge.


Oh, Kate. Dear, sweet, beautifully tressed Kate. When I say this, please know that I say this with love: you're an effing moron.

Kate: Listen, ok, thank you. What do you know about Jax's brother, Jerry?

Olivia: I thought you said this was about Sonny.

Kate: It is. I'm worried about him. Jerry Jax is an extremely dangerous person.

I will concede that Kate should be worried that Sonny employs a hopelessly inept crack security team who let all sorts of random people wander through his house, but aside from that minor point, this entire character arc (a term I use loosely, because we aren't dealing with characters here, merely vessels for whatever plot the writers have dreamed up) is ridiculous. 

Is there anything in the world sadder than watching Kate run around in circles trying to save Sonny from himself? No. Well, unless you count Bob Guza's continuing employment, but for the purpose of this exercise, we're going to go with no. Running around squawking about how worried she is about Sonny, snooping around Sonny's house, obsessing over his marriage with Claudia...all sad, especially in light of the fact that most of their recent relationship consisted of him lying to her about a variety of things and her getting shot.

Speaking of Jerry, this has nothing to do with GH, but I recently discovered that TNT plays old episodes of Law & Orderearly in the morning. Like, I'm talking really old. Mike Logan and Ben Stone old. It's pretty much the greatest discovery of recent times. Anyway, there was an episode on Sunday about a rockstar accused of rape, and who should play the hedonistic rocker but one Mr. Sebastian Roche? It was fabulous. I need to get actual screencaps of the fabulosity, because I had to pause the show in order to LOL and I feel the need to share this genius with you. For now, this tiny one will have to do, but imagine even bigger hair and leather pants.


I'll wait for you to stop giggling before I continue.


Johnny: I think I'm better? Lulu, my father is clinically insane. He shot my mother in front of my face. He's tortured my sister so that she's practically almost as insane as he is, and then he sold her off to his worst enemy without a second thought. That's my family, Lulu. That's where I come from. It's not better. It's a train wreck that has no end, and I was delusional to think I could get away from it in the first place.

Lulu: Stop blaming your family for your mistakes. Look, I get the Zaccharas are bad, ok? The Spencers suck, too. I mean, my dad may not be crazy, but he isn't what you would call devoted.

Um...maybe it's just me, but I find the Zaccharas and Spencers pretty much incomparable, since one involves a deadbeat dad, a catatonic mom and a ton of revisionist history and the other invovles PEOPLE GETTING SHOT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND OH MY GOD NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU, YOU SELF-CENTERED, SHRILL WITCH.

She is just the worst sometimes. 


The Nikolas/Quartermaine tomb was angry-making on several levels.



Fuck you, Guza. For serious.

I ask again, in all seriousness: why can't people on this show just leave town? Why do they all have to die violently? Why not just write people off the show instead of KILLING ALL OF THEM OFF and decimating one of the most integral, entertaining families in all of daytime?

We all know that whenever there's a crisis, a Quartermaine is bound to die. We all make jokes about it, no doubt as a coping mechanism. And then wesee the Quartermaine crypt and the sheer scope of Guza's hackishness brazenly staring us in theface and maybe I am alone here, but I kind of wanted to cry like a toddler, just out of frustration with the fact that, despite being utterly inept, Bob Guza continues to have a job that he has failed at for years and makes a nice sum of money doing it. I think tears are the most mature of many rational reactions to this situation.

ButI didn't cry like a toddler on this particular day (let's wait and see if Monica and/or Edward die during the crisis that couldn'T be conTained, I am sure the tears will come then), because I was too busy rolling my eyes after I heard Nikolas say:

Nikolas: And I'm really sorry, but I have to tell you that I met someone. And no, she's great. She's funny, really funny, light, pure.

I, too, would be sorry if I had to admit to the dead love of my life that the special someone I met following their death/a prolonged period of time when I had a tumor and had a love affair with their ghost, was Nadine.

And also...Nadine is not any of those things. For a prince with a surely world class education, Nikolas needs to brush up on his vocabulary and get the actual definitions of "great" "funny" and "really". I know he probably wanted to put a positive spin on things for Emily and "And, you know, she's nice enough. Kind of clingy. Sort of a stalker. Dumb, too. Soul crushingly dumb" doesn't have a great ring to it, but the blatant falsehoods have got to stop.

And light and pure?! What century is it that describing a woman that way is a compliment? I have to tell you, being the de facto therapist for Guza's psychological turmoil kind of sucks, especially since we don't get paid for it.


Patrick: I love Robin and Emma more than I ever thought possible. But, and just tell me if I'm crossing the line here, but youhad an emergency c-section a few years ago so you would understand. See, it's taken Robin quite a while to recover.

Dear Patrick,

You're crossing the line.


Seriously, You Will Put Your Wife's Business On Blast To Anyone With a Pulse, Won't You?


Spinelli: Here's the Jackal's reasoning. You need to get out from under the clutches of the Feds as soon as possible.

I don't even have anything clever to say about the Jason/FBI story, because it annoys me so much. Yes, let's do whatever we can to get Jason away from the awful, evil Federal agents and back to his illustrious life of crime and murder!!

This effing show.


LOL! I applauded when Johnny told delusional Lulu to shut the fuck up. I knew there was a soap god. Of course, Lulu had to spin the conversation to Carly and Johnny will come running back to her with his tail between his legs, but I enjoyed the moment.

However, Edward's slapping down Sonny and Carly was even sweeter.

I don't know why you didn't appreciate FBI agent Winifred insisting that criminal Spinelli is a hero. Please help save Maxie from that mob worshiping dumbass Spinelli.

I love Patrick, but come on... He'll ask anyone about Robin's condition except a colleague with expertise in PPD. Ridiculous.

I loathe this show, but goddamn they had some kickass lines on today's show. I was able to ignore Kate's stupidity, pointless Jason worship, and Chloe's absence from the family vault because all I could hear was "SHUT UP" playing over and over on my inner soundtrack. Good times.

Also, GH does do an excellent montage. I almost got excited about this storyline, until I realized Monica would likely be unconscious for the majority of it. On the plus side, there's no way Leyla's going to make it through alive. I'm almost optimistic, but... well... Guza.

The Lulu smackdown was a rare treat. Remember when Kate really let the dipshit have it? Telling her she was an average spoiled silly 20something and so on. Kate cut her down to size while Lulu was convinced she could control the mob war. That was my favorite Kate scene ever.

If Patrick bitches about Robin and her personal medical problems to one more of Jason's exes or more random strangers I am going to slap his face hotly! You are a doctor a husband a father and a grown up.... FUCKING ACT LIKE IT YOU WHINY SEXY BEYOTCH. Do some research, see a psychiatrist, go to Mac as a last resort. This effin show.

Jason being "Sonny" to Spinelli as "old Jason" makes me mental. I thought Jason learned something from what happened to Michael and not being able to raise his own Son and be with Liz? But no, thanks to Guza. Goofy wimpy socially stunted Spinelli is not phased by life imprisonment or death, he just wants to make his own choices to be an honorable heroic mobster like St. Jasus. DIE GUZA DIE!

The media pic of Edward holding Carly's hands made me so angry. So to see the scene w/ dialogue I was slightly appeased to hear his biting commentary. He is dead right. But at the Q's earlier he was shitting all over AJ, like it was all his dead grandson's fault and Carly would have been a good Q? WTF? Guza you effin bastard. STOP REWRITING HISTORY!

The crypt scene with the panned down shot of it's occupants was criminal. SHAME ON GUZA.

Mallory, thanks for making my GH rage entertaining and sustainable:-)

Can get an endless loop of Ric calling Jason dumb...Ric making fun of Everyday Heros, Edward snapping on Carly and Sonny, Johnny telling Lulu to shut it, Kate telling Lulu to shut it and Greg Vaughan shirtless holding a child running every day for like a month instead of the crisis they CouldnT Con-tain? I'm thinking ratings would go up.

Memo to Lulu...The only part of the Spencers that suck...is YOU

I had all sorts of witty retorts prepared but then I actually clicked on the YT link and watched that scene a couple times (or maybe 12 times) so they have all been reduced to "Hee hee! It's about bloody time someone said that to shrieky!"

Oh and will someone PLEASE get a DNA test for Miss Ruru "The Spencers suck" "Spencer." She just cannot possibly be the real Lulu Spencer.

Please, please, please find caps of Sebastian on L&O. I need to see the leather pants and the even bigger hair. I believe you when you say that but I'm not sure how it's possible. By the way, thank you for altering us to the airings of earlyL&O.

"Memo to Lulu...The only part of the Spencers that suck...is YOU"

Memo to Beth...You are super s-m-r-t. :)

ROOOFLMAO @ Sebastian L&O pic.

I needed a good laugh this morning. Thank you!

Bless you for sitting through this horrible show to give us ex-viewers some laughs over the very sad state of this once great show. I would rather laugh than cry over how GH is long ago dead.

Jonnhy telling STFULooLoo to STFU....PRICELESS.

The "light and pure" comment Nikolas had stopped me in my tracks yesterday too. What does that even mean?

We. Get. It. The new NL character is going to be a "bad girl"...opposite of Emily. But Pure? Yuck.

Guza. Needs. Help.

The fact that, despite being utterly inept, Bob Guza continues to have a job that he has failed at for years and makes a nice sum of money doing it.

This may have been intentional, but this sentence explains the financial market crisis so well. CEOs are keeping their jobs despite the fact that they've put Americans in the toilet for years.

So maybe ABC is like JPMorgan: You can keep your job as long as you promise to try to do better tomorrow. Promise? Pinkie swear? OK, you can go back to your plush office now. :)

Best line of the day was Johnny telling Looloo to STFU. It's about time someone said that to her.

Can't wait to see more pics of Sebastian in the leather pants.

Thank you for the last paragraph. This has bothered me so much lately. The FBI is the bad guy....the police are either inept or crooked. Jason and Sonny, who we actually saw recently plug a guy in cold blood, those are the heroes. This show is just morally corrupt, besides being just plain sucky.

I do not understand why GH continues to do things that fly in the face of what the viewers want. Seriously, I know I'm preaching to the choir here on this site but in my everyday life and in my looking around on the net I do not find ONE PERSON who says, " I love that jackass Sonny who treats his women and other people like crap and thinks he's great. Let's have more of him and his mob story." NOT ONE!

Maybe Sonny had a fan base back in the Sonny / Brenda / Jax days but that is long gone. He's an ass. There is zero rooting value for his character. I'm rooting for him to eat a bullet in a big mob shootout that ends that whole saga.

Why aren't the people around Jason going "Hey, this is great - the feds can help you break free from this horrible life of crime you're trapped in and turn your life around to be a decent citizen and deserve all the adulation you get" ?

Why not have his internal conflict be about turning in Sonny / doing the right thing vs. his past devotion to Sonny and his crimes? Show some character development as he feels guilty and turns in his best friend and fights the mob because IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO!?!?

I'm pretty sure hit men who make deals to turn in the boss still end up in jail, by the way.

But I can put that aside. We put alot of things aside about Jason strictly out of love for Steve Burton. He's awesome. I love him. I want Jason to turn around and be a good guy. Be the hero of the show since that's what they always want anyway. So do it - make him the hero, not a weasly crime lord trying to protect Sonny.

I wish Jerry had been kept around to be the chief villian / spoiler instead of Crazy Zachara. I like Sarah Brown but don't get Claudia at all.

It was a nice treat hearing Johnny chew out Lulu but I fear it won't last. Any moments of truthy truth telling are usually followed by mind-numbing mob-propping scenes.

Mallory, you write my thoughts. For serious. First off, although I would normally be incensed at a woman getting yelled at by a man like that because it would be just another instance of misogyny, I was all for Johnny's verbal beat down of Lulu yesterday because Lulu is not a woman. She is a harpy, shrewish bitch who seriously did need to STFU. Her whole argument with Johnny was freaking stupid to begin with, but when she started saying how his life wasn't that bad compared to hers because she was a Spencer, I was like "oh no you didn't." Because the Spencers are nothing like the Zaccharas. Plain and simple. Lulu had no right to talk to Johnny like she knew what his life is like.

Kate... Kate needs help. Why she would still want to be with Sonny, much less care about what happens to him after all the shit she's suffered because of him, escapes me. Kate used to be such a kickass character, and now she's just another mob moll. It's sad.

Also, the Q crypt is enough to make anyone who knows what GH used to be like incensed. I get pissed just thinking about how many Quartermaines have been annihilated by Guza. Lila couldn't be helped, but every other one of those deaths was a senseless tragedy. I did think Nikolas' scene was really good, but I will admit that his description of Nadine was way off-base. Yours was much more accurate. I cannot wait until he dumps her dumb self.

I no longer watch GH but I do read your recaps. I was astounded to see the Quartermaine tomb screen caps. Unbelievably sad. Guza should be fired for that reason alone. But he won't. Unbelievably sad.

seriously, can they kill Lulu off. Her argument didn't even make sense. Don't blame your family!? he wasn't. he was just trying to explain to pea brain how he didn't think he was better.
kill the blond bitch.

And I can still remember when Lulu was actually an interesting character, one who promised to basically be a young, female version of her father, and who actually had ambitions (be a writer) beyond getting laid by the mob.

It's like what happened with Kate; Guza must introduce female characters with more than one dimension and then destroy them as a way of mocking us. At least with NotEmily we not what we're getting from scene one...

Words cannot describe how much I despise Kate ever since she was shot.
I actually find myself hoping Olivia will start slapping her silly during their scenes; but alas.

It would be even better if Johnny would of smack that twit Lulu. I am so sick of this show.

I mean to say was Johnny smack the shrillness out of Lulu.

Memo to Lulu: Yes, you do suck. Runs in the Webber/Vining side of the family.


I've decided we're all members of the GH Survivors Club, hanging on by a thread to the characters and relationships we've made part of our lives for so many years, only to watch them gutted by the miscreants that run the show. Thanks for a morning of laughing till I couldn't catch my breath, your column is freakin brilliant. Can't wait to hear your take on the latest newbie airtime waste, Ethan WTF-Ever. I say we flip em the Bird and we'll all ride this mess to the end together!


Amen....you are truly too funny. Kill Lulu already Guza is a prick.

Guza must introduce female characters with more than one dimension and then destroy them as a way of mocking us.

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