Harlen Vs. Pratt: This Time It's Personal
When I am asked in the future why I look at the glass as half empty, I am going to say, "Bobby" (these kinds of life lesson stories are always told to someone named Bobby) "what happened was that I once hoped for something and I put that hope in writing and in less than two weeks, my hopes were crushed. This is why you shouldn't wish for things: because your wishes will be uniformly ignored by terrible soap opera writers".
Oh, Early-January Mallory! How foolish you were!
The show has already decided to rectify one of last year's wrongs and bring Josh Madden back into town, which is great news. Now the writers just need to give him a storyline. He's Erica Kane's son, and yet he spent months hanging around like a glorified extra before getting saddled with an out-of-left field story that turned him into an embezzler. That's wrong in so many ways.
In the harsh light of mid-January, I have to live with the fact that I have been epically and publicly burned by Charles Pratt. Not that he was out to get me personally--I was mere collateral damage in his quest to ruin the field of entertainment--but still! I feel so ashamed that I can't even laugh at just how tremendously I was wrong.
Look, I understand that the character of Josh is problematic, since his existence rewrote one of daytime's defining moments and McTavish's INSANE decision to undo Erica's abortion is seriously the worst storyline I have ever seen on a soap (sure, there were things on Days and Passionsthat were probably worse, but this was horrendous and, really, not so much a story as a vehicle for the AMC brass to spit on their long-time viewers) and that having him around puts a bad taste in a lot of people's mouths. I know, I didn't start calling him Josh until recently, opting instead for the more to-the-point "Aborted Fetus".
However...AMC has a dearth of male characters in this age bracket and Colin Egglesfield works really, fantastically well with the members of the Kane family. Couldn't they have just rewritten history again and had him be related to Erica and Co, but not because they are mother/son? Or had it turn out that Madden was just torturing Erica once again and Josh wasn't related to her at all, but by that point he and the Kanes had already bonded like family, so it was a moot point? I guess I don't get, like I don't get so many of their decisions, why they had to go this route.
But, you know, I don't get so much of this show, so why should this be any different?
Did anybody else want to see Zach break a bottle of whiskey over Jake's head and just beat him with it? Because, seriously, Jake is such a brat. A recap of their conversation:
Zach: I need your help. Kendall needs a new heart. Please.
Jake: I can't help! I don't have a job! I have no job! My life sucks! And David Hayward is mean to me!
Zach: Please, Jake, I will do anything.
Jake: I HAVE THE WORST LIFE ANYBODY HAS EVER HAD.
What a douche.
Speaking of douches...watching Ryan box up Annie's belongings to hide them from Emma made me wonder, again, why, exactly, this man is considered the hero of this show.
Ryan: Uh, that is all Annie's -- all her stuff. I found Emma going through her drawers and seeing her mom's stuff and she just kind of looked confused, really. So I put it in boxes. You know what? It's probably time for me to get that stuff downstairs, right? In the basement or something?
Greenlee: Annie's whole life, packed in a box and put into the basement. It's like she's --
Ryan: I don't really know what to do, you know? I mean, we're getting married and her stuff's here, and --I don't know. I should probably get this stuff downstairs before Emma gets back home.
Um, maybe Annie's stuff is still around because YOU ARE STILL MARRIED TO HER? And maybe Emma is kind of confused because her mother is sick and taken away from her with no notice and you're pretty much like, "No big, it's okay, don't worry. Greenlee's going to be your replacement mom and it's going to be awesome!" She's probably also confused as to how an adorable moppet like herself could have such an ass for a father...
My mild enjoyment with the Tad/Krystal storyline of pure hatred ended hours after it started, because this custody hearing is sapping me of my will to live.
In one corner, we have Tad, who skipped town even though his grieving wife was in no condition to take care of herself, let alone herself AND two daughters, who got a restraining order against Krystal because he was mad at her and offered this evidence about suing her for sole custody of Jenny:
Livia: Trying to take a child away from her mother? Try impossible.
Tad: I guess it's a good thing I have a fantastic lawyer.
Livia: Do you really believe that Krystal would harm her own child?
"But she's a total bitch so, ergo, ipso facto, she isn't allowed near my child"
In the other corner, Krystal, who is just demented
Krystal: [Babe] was an angel. She was an angel on earth.
When will this lunacy stop? Julia gets killed and doesn't get a funeral and this bitch dies and gets mentioned eight times per episode for the next four months? STOP OR I WILL QUIT. I don't know what I quit, but I will quit something and it will be DRAMATIC.
She also repeatedly foisted her children on Opal so that she could run out and get laid, she is popping mystery pills like tic-tacs and she has exhibited a crippling lack of self-awareness.
Opal: This isn't easy for me, trying to take a child from its mother.
Krystal: Unless the child is Jenny and I am the mother.
"Or unless I am the person taking the child from its mother and that child is Miranda Mongtomery and the mother is Bianca, but we'd all do the same in that situation, amirite? Hello, access to the Chandler fortune was at stake!"
This story has no winners. Jenny and Kathy deserve better than being raised by either of these two. To be honest, the best outcome would be Petey getting custody of the girls. That would be kind of awesome and by "kind of", I mean "totally".
The only silver lining to this show is the fact that we are being treated to some superb performances: Thorsten Kaye was awesome today and truly seemed like a man just wrecked and desperate. Even in her small scenes, Susan Lucci rocked it and, judging by the commercials ABC has been airing that have given away the rest of the stupid Josh storyline, is going to do some stellar work. And how great is Jill Larson?! I am loving her actually having a pivotal role these days and not just being trotted out for a laugh every now and then.
The rest of the show can suck it.