How To Lose Friends and Alienate Viewers
At the end of today's episode of All My Children, I let out this huge, audible sigh of complete and utter depression. It's the same sigh I make after I sit through a marathon of Law & Order: SVU and realize that I just watched eight hours about rape, murder, child murder, murderous children and overwrought Mariska Hargitay line readings. Complete and utter depression!
Let's look at today's episode, for instance: an adorable dork being shot down by a brat; a marriage completely imploding in the nastiest of ways; schemers pushing people off the wagon and getting other people addicted to drugs; potential child abandonment; nasty Babe propping.
I almost want to do a study to see how many AMC viewers have turned to hard drugs in order to deal with the crippling sadness they feel while watching this show. My educated guess is, like, 76%.
Tad and Krystal's marriage was a total sham, and ill-conceived on every front, and they used to get me frothing with irritation about the myriad ways in which Adam was shafted, but once I got past my bitterness and once I realized that Kathy wasn't actually going to go full-on demon spawn and torture her stepmother, I was too bored to even pay full attention to any of their scenes. I don't remember the last time I even watched them together without, like, singing a song in my head or focusing really intently on the scenery in the background.
Because of this boredom, I was unprepared for just how vicious the disintegration of their marriage is going to be.
Tad: Well, I can't say I'm surprised. After all, you slept with me when you were married to Adam.
Krystal: You remember why? Greg Madden was dead. You thought you weren't going to be able to find Kathy, and you were dealing with the unimaginable. Your daughter was gone. That kind of stuff makes you do things you don't ordinarily do.
Tad: Well, I'm sorry I missed the point. You -- you gave me mercy sex, so that makes it all right to wrap your legs around David? How could you be so naive that you honestly think for one solitary second this is about him "understanding you," about David Hayward helping you?
Tad: And I don't? Well, maybe that's because every time I tried, every time that I begged you to help me and understand, you pushed me away. So what does this mean? Does it mean every single time you disappeared, and you took off, and I was worried that something had happened to you, that you were, what, in the sheets over at Wildwind?
Krystal: That's -- that's not true, Tad. Nothing happened until you --
Tad: Until I left town? Huh. Huh. So, I guess this is -- this is the part where you blame the drugs, right? I mean, you -- you claimed you got married to Adam when you were high on moonshine. I guess now you're telling me that you slept with David because he was feeding you pills.
Krystal: I never meant to hurt you.
Tad: Well, it certainly worked out that way. And we were so close, so close. A safe, stable, loving home. That's what we both wanted, wasn't it? That's what both of us were in for, and not just for the girls, for you, so you would feel protected because you still had feelings for Adam, and you couldn't --
Krystal: I never slept with Adam after we were married, Tad.
Tad: But you wanted to, didn't you? Anyway. It doesn't matter now. It's David. After all the times you looked me in the eye and promised me that this was enough, this home, this family, this life. What the hell is wrong with you? Why? Why would you give up all of this? You know what they're like. You know who they are. Why on earth would you chase after men like Adam or David?
Krystal: Because they make me feel alive!
Brutal as it was, it was also quite educational:
- Krystal admitted that she is a whore when others are sad
- Tad rightly called their encounter mercy sex
- Krystal can't stay faithful if her significant other leaves town
- Tad is tremendously boring and lame
This was seriously the most bearable these two have been together since, I don't know, EVER. If only the writers knew at the outset that the only thing that makes these two click is pure unbridled hatred and verbal abuse, we could have been saved months of boredom!
David and Amanda pushing JR to drink is really awful and just...I don't understand David's grand plan to get Little A. It makes no sense. It's a vintage Carly from GH plan because of how ludicrous and stupid it is. I know that David is diabolical, but he usually a little wiser in terms of scheming. And what was with him pulling a gun on Tad? Was that just a shoutout from Charles Pratt to Bob Guza?
The fact that JR is drinking again is also awful because it led to (a) Tad telling the man he claims to love like a son to drive home,even though he was obviously drunk (!!! But Adam is the bad father? Seriously?) and (b) more of JR's blubbering over Babe.
NEWSFLASH JR: BABE RUINED YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF MANY OTHER PEOPLE. SHE WAS A SKANK, A LIAR, A GOLD-DIGGER, A BABYNAPPER AND A SOCIOPATH. STOP MOURNING HER AND MOVE THE EFF ON, SERIOUSLY
Remember how great Reese is? She's totally great, she's always doing great things in a great manner just because of how great she is.
Dear Bianca. Not so long ago, we were dreaming about our future, a life of family, friends, peace, and love. And somehow, it's all gone wrong, and I don't know how to make it right. All I do know is that I hate causing you pain, and so, I'm going back to Paris. Your happiness is all that I want, even if I can't be a part of it. Je t'aime. Reese
Yes, she is so great that, after a fight with her girlfriend, she decides to just up and leave the country. Without her TWO DAUGHTERS.
And then! After getting this letter where Reese states her plan to run away from her problems AND HER FAMILY, Bianca is all atwitter with guilt about ever doubting Reese and immediately runs to apologize and tell her that she loves and trusts her and doesn't even say, "By the way, were you seriously planning to abandon your freaking children? SERIOUSLY?"