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« Are You There God? It's Me, Lulu | Main | Curse You, Jane Elliot! »

January 31, 2009

I Hope Josh's Heart Is Strong Enough To Deal With All Of This Drama!

Hey, Kendall! You're awake! Yay! So, um, you've been in a coma for three months, Ryan and Greenlee are getting married, Bianca's getting married, you have a new heart that used to be your brother's but your brother's dead and your husband got your lesbian sister pregnant! So good to have you back! You don't seem like yourself, is everything okay?


Seriously, Double You Tee Eff? The woman comes out of her coma and everybody falls all over themselves to fill her in on the huge, life-changing things that went on while she was on death's door. Maybe I'm overreacting, as I'm the type of person who needs to brace herself for minor news and digests that news slowly, but that seems like a whole lot of information to take in all at once!

Let me back up for a second...

If the Ill-Fated-Weddings-A-Go-Go are good for anything, it's for giving us this moment of goodness (skip ahead to 3:50):

This is easily the most entertaining thing to happen on AMC since Cameron Mathison's thong incident, which was the most entertaining thing to happen on AMC since...the 90s?

While the characters around her are being rewritten left and right, it's nice to know that Erica, Erica Kane and her fabulosity remain one of life's sole constants.

In fact, Erica's Erica-ness has been in full-force all week and I loved it. The bridal shower for the Ill-Fated-Weddings-A-Go-Go? Amazing.

Why did I love the bridal shower so much?

1. Mary Smythe

Mary: I thought I might stay in town for a while...look up Adam, see how he's doing.

Erica: Don't bother. He's moved on.

Mary: Well, it was worth a shot. No matter. I've got this gorgeous personal trainer who really misses me. Be happy, my darling.


Her sudden appearance was both delightful, since she's awesome and inspires some quality Erica bitchiness, but also depressing, because she left as quickly as she arrived. She cracks me up.

2. Erica's hilariously inappropriate dress.


It's January! In Pennsylvania!

3. Erica hilariously and inappropriately inviting Claire

4. Rebecca Budig being so damn pretty


I hate what's happened to the character of Greenlee lately and I abhor the Greenlee/Ryan pairing, but I am still sad that she's leaving. The cute quotient in town will decrease considerably. Curse you, Budig! Please know that you can make it up to me by going on a shopping spree with me (you just know that she'd be the best shopping partner ever).

Of course, as she is wont to do, Reese had to go and ass the whole shower up.

YES, okay, it was wrong for Erica to spring her mother on her, considering the bad blood that the two of them have. That was bad (and awesome and soapy). But really, Reese came off like a complete lunatic:

Randi and Amanda: (Frolic and giggle)

Claire: So, are you two a lesbian couple as well?

Randi: What?

Reese: No. No, mother. No, Randi and Amanda -- they are heterosexual, and unlike some people, they can actually enjoy themselves with friends who are not straight.

Um, hey, way to overreact and totally ruin the toilet paper bridal gown game for everyone, nutbar!


The toilet paper bridal gown game is the best part of a bridal shower!

Her mother is a bitch and a bigot and awful (she was also, and I am showing my Law & Order nerdiness here, in one of the creepiest episodes ever, as one of McCoy's former assistants who he had a relationship with and who wittheld evidence to get a conviction as a gift to him and the real murderer was this jovial, bubbly security guard and it was SO CREEPY) , but asking if two girls draped all over each other are lesbians, at the bridal shower of a lesbian couple, wasn't crossing the line or anything.

But Reese thought that she shot the Archduke Ferdinand and went off, in front of people and then again privately

Reese: All my life, you tried to force me into being who you think I should be, instead of who I am, and you are still trying. Why? Why? Is it because your life is so screwed up? Is -- is it because you found yourself trapped in a marriage that's unhappy, with no sex at all? You broke dad's spirit. You are trying to break mine. There is no --

Who says that to their mother?! I am not even talking in terms of respecting your elders or whatever, I am talking about how no one references their parents' sex life with one of their parents! No one does that! It is wrong and gross and not okay.

I find her so irksome that I was happy to see her mother slap her.


Do you know how dirty I feel for rooting for a bigot?! VERY DIRTY.

Like so many things since Tamara Braun has come on board, this story could have been compelling but, instead, has been shot to shit. There is a story to tell here, but they are telling it so poorly and throwing in a healthy dose of "J/K, I really love Zach!" on top of it.

Reese: From the minute I saw her. We have this -- this amazing connection that I have never felt with anyone. Except you.

Are the writers having a competition to see who can write the most horrendous stories? Are they? That's literally the only explanation I have for some of this.


David: Do you regret it, you and me?

Krystal: No. No, you have been wonderful.

"No, no, I don't regret it. I've just become the town pariah because of you, which I guess was overdue since I've been awful for years, and I lost custody of my kid. No regrets at all!"


I don't have anything fun or even coherent to say about the Dr. Sinclair story, because I don't pay full attention to her, because McKenzie Westmore is a horrendous actress. I know that Passionsisn't exactly an acting master class, but she's wretched, and Galen Gering and Eric Martsolf aren't awful on Days, so I think the fault is with her. I literally can't watch her.

While doing research to see where she is from, on the off chance that she learned English phonetically, which would explain her acting away, I learned that McKenzie Westmore is only 31?  !!!!!!!!!!!!!! I will say no more, lest I be accused of being cruel. I'm just going to through that number out there again. 31. Yeah. 31.

Aidan: No, that's not necessary, all right? I'm sleeping just fine.

Dr. Sinclair: Oh, no, no. That's not a sedative. Being a secret agent, I'm sure you know all about truth serum.

As with all things in life, this reminded me of 30 Rock and Tracy's insistence that he drank truth serum. "If this isn't truth serum, why am I telling you that you look like Tootsie"?

I am really enjoying Aiden Turner in this story, though. He's badass and more than a little awesome, and surprisingly good! And I don't just mean that in comparison to McKenzie Westmore, I mean legitimately good. I feel so proud of him!


Back to the big news: Kendall! Awake! And being throttled with all of the secrets Pine Valley has amassed since she lost consciousness. I have no medical expertise, but still, I don't think it was wise to throw that much at her so fast. It's also unfair, since she's hooked up to machines and can't jump up and smack them around.

Can I just say that it is so nice to have Kendall back? Because it is! I have missed her and her fantastic eyebrows and pretty, pretty hair, which are looking well groomed and nicely manicured despite the whole coma thing.

Her reunions with important people were so sweet!

Reuniting with Zach!


Kendall: You look different.

Zach: I'm the same.

"aside from the Grizzly Man beard and the strange, oversized coat, of course"


Where does one even buy a coat like that? And why does one even buy a coat like that? Unless he's helping smuggle kids into R-rated movies...

Reuniting with Erica!


Reuniting with Greenlee!


By the by, I was all set to roll my eyes at this exchange between Greenlee and Bianca:

Greenlee: I miss my best friend.

Bianca: What you guys have is more than just friendship. You're as much her sister as I am.

until I realized that there might be some criteria for being someone's sister that includes betraying them in new and horrifying ways. In that case Bianca is right, she and Greenlee are totally on the same level with Kendall!

Speaking of Bianca, someone's a little less confident in her life-wrecking decision now that her possessive and somewhat unstable--I say this with love--sister is out of her coma!

Erica: Do you think that Zach told her about Gabrielle? Do you think that he told her that he's the father?

Bianca: That he's the donor.

Really, Bianca, "the donor"?  That's news to Gabrielle, who has heard you calling Zach her "daddy". It's also news to the rest of the world who heard you say that repeatedly and named her after his mother. But he's just the donor! Thanks for clearing that up for us.

Delusion runs deep in this couple, though.

Reese: Ok, everything that you have told me about Kendall and everything I've heard about her since I came to town is how incredible she is. And the fact that she woke up from the coma, it proves it. She's your sister. She'll understand.

Yes, that's our Kendall: understanding. She doesn't know Kendall, and she certainly doesn't know about Kendall's...quirks, but that's besides the point. The logical reaction to learning that your husband and your sister went behind your back to have a baby is not one of understanding!

Of course, Kendall's family and Reese didn't mention EVERYTHING...like, she still doesn't know Babe is dead (I am assuming that they are waiting for her muscles to regain strength so that she can go visit Babe's ginormous grave and deface it) and a lot of what they did tell her was kind of...not true.

Zach: The donor was Josh.

Kendall: What?

Erica: Honey, there was an accident.


But on the other hand, I don't know how much longer Zach, Bianca and Reese would have lasted keeping the secret of Gabrielle's parentage, because as soon as Kendall said the word "donor", they all went shifty-eyed and suspicious looking.



"Donor? What? Hmm...look over there, it's a diversion!"

Ugh. Just...ugh. I will admit that the writers have me looking forward to tuning in on Monday, but not because I think it will be any good. At this point, I'm just watching to see the true depths they will sink to.


I'm dying of laughter here. How did I miss the Cameron Mathison thong incident? Did he ever deny that it was thong? It looks like a thong.

No comment on AMC. I don't watch regularly.

I think the only reason they had Reese bring up her mother's sex life, or lack there of, was to point out, in an assbackward, poorly written way, that Reese and Bianca have sex. Because, you know, Pratt has to remind everyone how groundbreaking this farce is. This whole thing has been like a bad cut-rate porn movie for me.

I will be sooooooo glad when this crapfest is over. I just hope Kendall gets to kick Reese's pathetic ass back to Paris and maybe go off on Bianca, too. And I love Bianca!!! Just not with Freakshow!Reese.

Great column and spot-on, as usual.

With that little "Ghost Josh" sighting, I was hoping that maybe Erica was feeling some remorse for helping Zack chop him up for spare parts.( And that maybe he would possess her, Swayze/Goldberg fashion, and they'd chase Zach around with a knife. :) )

You missed my favorite part, which is Greenlee obsessing that Kendall seemed "off" somehow, as if someone who had been in a coma for three months AND had a heart transplant would wake up and immediately start ordering in Chinese food and asking for a mani/pedi.

Rebecca Budig is leaving? Damn. Her performance and her prettiness is one of the only reasons I'm still half-watching this stupid show. Oh well. Will make it that much easier to delete it from the DVR.

I don't watch AMC either, but was that a bad tan line over the 'neckline' of Erica's inappropriate dress?

That would just be the topper. Not only does your Mom show up to your wedding shower in something you should be wearing, but she can't even get her spray on tan right, or her boobs can't keep the dress up.

I do believe homosexuals are born that way, but if there ever was an case for a mother can make her kid gay, it would be Erica Kane. Lordy!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?! If this really were to happen to Kendall, the coma, heart transplant, and then this hideous hour of being filled in on all of these noxious details she missed this woman would either fall right back into the coma or drop dead. IT'S INSANE.

However, the snow throwing was delightful :-)

I could be having the crappiest of days and then I read your column and LMAO.
Thanks for that.

Of course Reese could say how wonderful and understanding Kendall would be but did you see that WTF look Erica threw at her? Yeah, Erica KNEW the payback storm that Hurricane Kendall is gonna cause. That, at least, was something.

I'm still keeping my fingers crossed that the writers, who have been feeding Kendall's loved ones lines about how understanding and forgiving she is, will know that Kendall is the queen of going ape-shit. She learned it from the best.

**By the way, the snow scene was PRICELESS!!!

You are SO right ab springing eth on Kendall, I mean, even the doc, telling her as soon as she woke up that she has a new heart?!! WTF?!??! She just woke up--why would that be the first thing you tell her?? Let her catch her breath first. God!!

SHE'S 31? That is insane. I just googled and you are right. I am actually 25 days OLDER then her, and look at LEAST 10 years younger. WTF.

I got a perverse pleasure out the the Reese slap as well. Shut.Up.Reese.

MacKenzie Westmore MUST be lying about her age.

I say this because I remember reading interviews w/ her in Soap Opera Digest back when Passions started, and at the time, she was older than I am. Now she's saying she's 2 months younger. I call bullshit.

Either way, she's looked old as hell since 1999.

Didn't the people at Passions at least slap some makeup on MacKenzie Westmore's face and do something with her hair? I don't think the hair and makeup people at AMC are doing her any favors. Seriously, Doctor Crazy looks rougher than Coma!Kendall. Not that it's fair to compare people to Alicia, but they're actually trying to make Kendall look worn down.

Mallory - YAY! An AT shout out! No secret I flove my guy, but it's nice to see some recognition for his growth as an actor the past year - he's really been kicking ass!

Just want to say that I don't watch any soaps but DAYS, and don't intend to if DAYS goes off the air.

Hardly watch now, and I know it is very snark worthy, so please do a few more columns about it, huh?

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