Serial Drama

I Hope Josh's Heart Is Strong Enough To Deal With All Of This Drama!

Hey, Kendall! You're awake! Yay! So, um, you've been in a coma for three months, Ryan and Greenlee are getting married, Bianca's getting married, you have a new heart that used to be your brother's but your brother's dead and your husband got your lesbian sister pregnant! So good to have you back! You don't seem like yourself, is everything okay?

Seriously, Double You Tee Eff? The woman comes out of her coma and everybody falls all over themselves to fill her in on the huge, life-changing things that went on while she was on death's door. Maybe I'm overreacting, as I'm the type of person who needs to brace herself for minor news and digests that news slowly, but that seems like a whole lot of information to take in all at once!

Let me back up for a second...

If the Ill-Fated-Weddings-A-Go-Go are good for anything, it's for giving us this moment of goodness (skip ahead to 3:50):

This is easily the most entertaining thing to happen on AMC since Cameron Mathison's thong incident, which was the most entertaining thing to happen on AMC since...the 90s?

While the characters around her are being rewritten left and right, it's nice to know that Erica, Erica Kane and her fabulosity remain one of life's sole constants.

Are You There God? It's Me, Lulu

It's really hard sometimes being me, okay?

Look at my face! That is the face of a girl who has the worst life EVER. I am so stressing right now, I can't even tell you.

So, first of all, I have this hot boyfriend and he's driving me craaaaazy. He's trying to get away from his crazy family and strike out on his own, and he can't get a job. Okay, first of all, how can you not find a job? There are jobs all over the place these days and employers are pretty much begging people to come work for them, so I totally don't know what his deal is.

And second of all, you want to talk crazy families? I have totally got him beat. He's all "My dad's insane and he shot my mother, and my sister is nuts, too", as if that's so bad. He has NO idea what the Spencers are like. My dad is this total loser. You may not know that, because there were so many years that he wasn't a deadbeat at all, but trust me, he's a total loser. Then there's my mom! Ugh, so she thought that she killed her stepdad and totally went crazy and was in a catatonic state all throughout my younger years. Can you believe that? She was never there for the big events that I needed her, except for the couple of times where I needed her and she woke up from her catatonic state to help me. I am pretty much an orphan!

Then there are my brothers. Lucky is all "Lulu, I don't want you dating the son of a violent, unhinged mafia boss". !!! He thinks that just because he's a cop that he can, like, judge people for breaking the law. And Nikolas spent a lot of the past year with a brain tumor or whatever and he thought that he saw his fiancee, and now he thinks he's seeing her again. I am telling you, I just can't go through that again. It was so stressful for me the last time he was sick and possibly dying and leaving his son orphaned. SO STRESSFUL.

And it will be even worse now, because life is so crazy. Kate, my boss? Is a total control freak. Since when do bosses get to treat you like crap and change their mind on crazy whims? It's like she thinks she can tell me what to do just because she signs my paycheck, and I just want to tell her "I am at work once in a while and I do a pretty crappy job when I do show up BUT AT LEAST I'M TRYING". And between that and Johnny and now Nikolas possibly having a tumor again, it's just, like, ugh! So it's like I told Nik today,

Lulu: Please don't tell me you're seeing dead people again. I really don't think I can handle this.

Because REALLY, my life is bad enough now, I don't need anything to make it even WORSE.

Desperately Seeking Sense

It's completely foreign to experience wish fulfillment whilst watching General Hospital, but a brief moment in yesterday's episode was the culmination of months of wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying.

I've watched that clip, like, a hundred times and I have to be honest, it gets better each time.  "Shut up!" Who knew that two words could pack such a sublime punch?

If Johnny is serious about searching for a job, I vote that he parlays his new truth-telling ways into a lucrative self help empire. Perhaps Edward can get over his distaste for Johnny and finance this enterprise, since the two of them are the only people in Port Charles to exhibit any sort of sense.

Edward:Of course I came. This fundraiser to help injured children is to benefit my great grandson. You know, it's too bad that you two didn't grow a conscience in time to actually help Michael.

Quartermaine snaps are the best kind of snaps, no?

This venture could make tons of money, as there are a ton of people in town who need to be hit with some knowledge.

Oh, Kate. Dear, sweet, beautifully tressed Kate. When I say this, please know that I say this with love: you're an effing moron.

Kate: Listen, ok, thank you. What do you know about Jax's brother, Jerry?

Olivia: I thought you said this was about Sonny.

Kate: It is. I'm worried about him. Jerry Jax is an extremely dangerous person.

I will concede that Kate should be worried that Sonny employs a hopelessly inept crack security team who let all sorts of random people wander through his house, but aside from that minor point, this entire character arc (a term I use loosely, because we aren't dealing with characters here, merely vessels for whatever plot the writers have dreamed up) is ridiculous. 

Is there anything in the world sadder than watching Kate run around in circles trying to save Sonny from himself? No. Well, unless you count Bob Guza's continuing employment, but for the purpose of this exercise, we're going to go with no. Running around squawking about how worried she is about Sonny, snooping around Sonny's house, obsessing over his marriage with Claudia...all sad, especially in light of the fact that most of their recent relationship consisted of him lying to her about a variety of things and her getting shot.

Speaking of Jerry, this has nothing to do with GH, but I recently discovered that TNT plays old episodes of Law & Orderearly in the morning. Like, I'm talking really old. Mike Logan and Ben Stone old. It's pretty much the greatest discovery of recent times. Anyway, there was an episode on Sunday about a rockstar accused of rape, and who should play the hedonistic rocker but one Mr. Sebastian Roche? It was fabulous. I need to get actual screencaps of the fabulosity, because I had to pause the show in order to LOL and I feel the need to share this genius with you. For now, this tiny one will have to do, but imagine even bigger hair and leather pants.

I'll wait for you to stop giggling before I continue.

Our Column In The 2/3 Issue of Soap Opera Digest

The February 5th issue of Soap Opera Digest, on newsstands today, features our newest My Take/My Take, Too column. Mallory is...confused about the choices that the All My Children and General Hospital writers make (That's a diplomatic way to phrase, it right? "Confused"?), and Becca decides to continue watching Days of Our Lives and General Hospital, even if they don't deserve it, because they do, occasionally, reward viewers with something great.

Also in this issue: a great interview with Bruce Weitz, soap stars (including Jason Thompson) revealing their favorite things, and a timeline of Peter Bergman's SOD covers.

A Fond Farewell . . . Minus the "Fond"

So the other night I was supposed to meet friends out after work.  I got all dressed in my cute jeans, a boobie shirt (my friend AC coined this phrase about 10 years ago when, being a guy's guy, he couldn't remember what a bustier was called, and I now use it to describe anything cleavage-y, because I'm way classy like that), and sky-high pointy-toed black stilettos that are, if I do say so myself, fierce.  I pumped up my makeup from day to night, put my hair in an updo that was hopefully super cute without looking like there was any effort involved.  I.  Was.  Ready.  So I grabbed a cab, woohoo, on my way to party!  Then I spent the next 35 minutes going less than two blocks, because of some incident that closed a six-square-block section of downtown and required what appeared to be every fire truck and ambulance in the city. 

Patience is not my thing, so rather than have an anxiety attack while the cab spent another hour going seven feet, I hopped out and headed to the subway.  Despite the below-freezing weather, I was so peppy, if I'd had a hat I would have twirled and thrown it in the air all Mary Tyler Moore style.  Then I got to the subway, to find massive amounts of people rushing out of the station -- in a business area on a Friday night.  Not good.  Through eavesdropping on a couple of conversations (never let it be said that rudeness isn't productive), I found out that the line was shut down until further notice because of some incident -- the same incident causing the traffic jam?  Who knows.  Still excited to see my friends, I figured I would walk a couple more blocks, get past the traffic jam, and grab a cab for the rest of the way.  I'm sure you can see where this is going, and that is that there was no end to the traffic jam, and I ended up walking 15 long city blocks in my fierce heels in the freezing cold.  By the time I got to my friends, I could not feel my hands or nose.  But oh, could I feel my feet, particularly the two giant blisters on the ball of each one.  Plus, my eyes had teared from the cold, taking away most of my eye makeup, and my formerly fabulous hair had fallen and looked pretty much like I'd just come from the gym.  Awesome.  Despite being a hot mess, I stayed and hit a couple of bars with my friends.  Nothing of note happened.

Hey, you know what would have made that boring story even worse?  If it ended with me paraplegic, shipped off to Switzerland.

Also, it is worth noting that my retelling of that story about a traffic jam and blisters required far more thought and planning than the crapfest that masqueraded as John and Marlena's big farewell on Friday.

Kendall Hart Is Having The Worst Year Ever

Obviously, waking from your coma is something to celebrate, but Kendall's happiness at being alive is going to be short-lived when she finally wakes up and finds out that:

• She was in a coma for months
• Babe died (yes, this is something to actually be celebrated, but there is no way the show is going to let a moment go by without a Babe memorial)
• Myrtle died
• Her brother died...
• ....because her husband shot him
• ....to get her a heart. 'Sup, survivor's guilt?
• Her husband donated sperm to her sister and neither of them decided to tell her because, you know, she's a totally laid-back person in general
• Her sister is engaged to the worst person in the universe

Consciousness is totally going to suck for her! I know this because I have lived through all of the things currently polluting the screen and it has sucked for me.

The saddest part of all is that Charles Pratt didn't even have to exert much effort to be better than the previous AMC writing regimes. He pretty much had to show up to work and not drool. And he couldn't even do that! EVERYTHING about this show right now is terrible.

Swoon! This Is What Romantic Heroes Are Made Of!

How dreamy is Ryan, you guys?! Is it any wonder that women line up to date him and literally lose their minds when he stops loving them?! The answers are INFINITELY and NO, respectively.

Ryan: Hey, ok, I'm here. What's so important?

Dr. Sinclair: I was hoping you would bring Greenlee with you.

Ryan: No, Greenlee is watching my daughter. I got a life. Remember the one you told me to get on with? Which is pretty difficult when you keep calling me on my cell phone and showing up at my place.

Dr. Sinclair: I'm sorry for disturbing you, but I need to discuss your wife's --

Ryan: My ex-wife's...

Dr. Sinclair: Annie's relationship with her brother.

Like I said, DREAMY.

I don't know what the most amazing part of this exchange was. Was it the dismissive way he referred to Annie as his ex-wife? Or was it the fact that he was irritated about having to take time out of his busy schedule of making out with Greenlee and doing literally nothing else to have to go to the mental institution and help deal with Annie, the mother of his child and a woman that he pledged to love in sickness and in health? Or was it the fact that he claims that he just got a life and moved on, as if this whole "moving on with Greenlee" thing is a recent development, and as if he hadn't been having an emotional affair with Greenlee for months, and as if said emotional affair wasn't the reason that Annie is in the mental institution in the first place? I can't choose! All I know is that I want a Ryan of my very own.

There Are Worse Things They Could Do

I mean, there aren't many worse things they could do, but there are some!

I was going to begin by asking if anybody had ever seen a terrible high school production of Grease, but of course you have, because every high school production of Grease is terrible. I don't know if it's because the film version is so popular and nothing can stack up, or if it's just not the same watching teenagers playing teenagers, instead of Stockard Channing passing herself off as a teen despite quite probably collecting social security at the time, but I have never seen a good high school production of this show (whether or not I have actually seen a good high school production of anything is a debate for another time).

When my high school did Grease, the actress playing Rizzo had these broad tics that were supposed to convey just how naughty Rizzo is: a Billy Idol like sneer, contemptuous hair flipping, gum-snapping and an unnatural, stilted way of speaking. It was, unsurprisingly, terrible.

Why do I bring up this long repressed memory?

This is why. This is why I cry at night. Because of the pain.

This development pains me for several reasons. For instance, it kind of hurts to be crushed by SIX TONS OF FORESHADOWING, what with all of the Emily mentions lately. Seriously, they've talked about her more this week than anyone has talked about Mac since 1998. Secondly, because it reminds me how much I have missed Emily Quartermaine. I mean, just think about it: they killed off EMILY via an UNDEAD SERIAL KILLER and then blithely brought her portrayer back after less than a year as a new character. Why not just stop writing scripts and have the actors just say, "For those long-time viewers tuning into today's show...suck it"? That's what the powers-that-be obviously think! Thirdly, we are supposed to believe that no one at the hospital noticed the resemblance this beret-wearing chick has to Emily? Emily....a doctor at GH. Emily...the daughter of two prominent GH doctors. Emily...a rich girl who married a prince. This show's full-blown love affair with contrivance needs to stop. Also...what's with the beret? Who in the GH wardrobe department has a fetish for crocheted hats and what made them the way that they are?

But what kills me the most, more than the contrivance and the bad acting and the knit caps, is how proud Bob Guza is about this story. He's been tauting its brilliance since Natalia Livingston left a few months ago, saying that he has this great story to tell when she returned from spreading her wings or whatever. And that great story pretty much boils down to, "So, okay, get this. Emily was totally sweet and kind and wonderful, so imagine this: there's this girl who looks like Emily, right? Except she's not like Emily. I know! She's not sweet and kind and wonderful. She's--wait for it--bad. Right? Get it? Because Emily was NOT bad? It's gonna ruuuuuuule".

As if the Lifetime Movie empire doesn't have a specific sub-genre devoted to lookalikes with different personalities! And as if those movies, while terrible and sporting such titles as "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger" and "My Stepson, My Lover", aren't miles above GH in terms of quality! Lifetime movie level is aspirational for this show!

The One Where Ric Lansing Preaches To The Choir

Ric Lansing and I have long had a tortured history, or at least the kind of tortured history one can have with a fictional character. He's often a vile human being who does terrible things to people. But he's hilarious! But he's obsessed with Sonny. But he's smart! But he was responsible for the months of Marianna-related boredom. But Rick Hearst is so wonderful! But Rick Hearst deserves to leave the show and gain work in a non-sucky environment playing a character who is, like, well-written.

(Also, I kept typing "Hearst" as "Hearts", for some reason. Freudian slip?)

But today's Ric Lansing was my favorite kind of Ric Lansing, in that he was kind of a dick in a hilarious way and said things that the audience is totally thinking.

Ric: Mr. Zacchara would like for you to understand that just because Sonny has a new position with the Zacchara organization, that does not guarantee your safety. If you'd like for me to dumb it down for you, whatever loyalty Sonny once had for you -- that's officially over. See, we're not obliged to keep the peace because you and Sonny were -- what did you call it once? Oh, yes -- close as brothers. Not so much anymore, huh?

I love when people call Jason dumb! And his facial expression did little to bolster an argument.

"Not so much any more, I know the answer to this...."

And then Ric was similarly mean to Sam.

Sam: I'm looking for work.

Ric: Oh, television show didn't work out? Everybody figure out you're not anyone's hero?

I am a sucker for anybody who mocks Everyday Heroes! Remember the days when that was the implausible storyline that I was obsessed with? Those were like glory days compared to the effing plow patent.

Granted, then Ric started to ruin the good will by talking about how many men Sam has slept with, which was a whole slut calling the tramp whorish situation, but overall, he was kind of the highlight of today. Which wasn't exactly hard, since a lot of it was about Lulu and Johnny and Johnny's endless search for a job, and Nikolas and Jax being pissy, but, hey, damning with faint praise is better than no praise, right?

The Robin's Diary Book Club

When we last left our intrepid heroine, she couldn't get Michael Cates out of her head, even though he is the antithesis of her grammar-loving, verb-conjugating self and refuses to refer to him as Stone.

For those of you who are interested, there are used copies available on Amazon, and ebay. It is worth it for the 90s flashbacks you will undoubtedly have when you flip through it (I may need to post such flashbacks in every post, because I know some of you have the same memories. I was reminded quite randomly today, while reading, of Now and Then. Why? I don't know. And that made me remember the vicious fan wars that girls had over Devon Sawa and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. My generation was a sad generation) and it is good to have on hand to remember a time when GH was excellent and had a large cast and socially relevant and exciting storylines. The downside is that you will sometimes start sobbing after sitting through an episode of current GH when you compare the two....

January 25, 1994

Okay, so I'm obsessed; sue me. (Only Robin Scorpio would bother to punctuate that with a semi-colon.) There, see! Right there is the problem:

I'm sure Michael Cates, if he ever met a semi-colon, would put it in its proper place, which is nowhere in his life. (So how can I imagine that a person who thinks this much about punctuation could possibly have a place in his life, either?)

Probably this obsession has to do with my current boyfriendless state. The only boyfriend I've had so far was Roger Hollander, and I don't think we really liked each other. Then I had this large crush on Jason Quartermaine, who was very kind about it.

Maybe that's all this is about Mike Cates (okay, I'll give him Mike, but not Stone)--a raving crush. It feels like more, but how would I know? I may be some kind of sexual retard.

Tiffany keeps warning me about "raging hormones". I have reason to believe my hormones are awake, but they're not anywhere near raging. Felicia keeps assuring me I am probably a late bloomer. Then there's Brenda, who I guess bloomed early and could probably give me some advice, but I don't even know what to ask. Anyway, it's not any of their business.

Lucky for me, virginity has made a comeback. Given today's public health problems, abstinence is becoming cool. Still, I'd prefer it to be by choice.

Actually, I suspect the reason I don't have a boyfriend may have less to do with sexuality than with the conventions of communication, which I haven't exactly mastered. My never learning what you say and what you don't, or how to cover up what I really think until it's safe. And maybe I'm attracted to Mike Cates because he mostly can't be bothered. I guess living on the street doesn't equip you much in the way of niceties.

It's not that I don't know how to be polite. It's the space between "manners" and genuine connection that gives me trouble. Maybe I'm missing a gene.

And maybe Michael Cates is, too. Which is why he wouldn't give up his seat for me the night I met him. September, the match between A.J. and Jagger. (I loathe boxing as an institution, but this fight was almost a class struggle.)

Mike was sitting next to Brenda on the aisle. I came in late and she introduced us. I knew who he was, of course--Jagger's lost-and-found brother--but I'd never seen him. We said hello I asked him to scoot down so I could take the aisle seat, and he directed me to the empty seat on the other side of Brenda! I said I liked the aisle, and he said so did he--and he got there first. "What a gentleman," I said, meaning what a creep.

He's been on my mind ever since.