Confrontations & Contrivance
I'd like to start out by thanking my local ABC affiliate for interrupting today's episode of All My Childrento bring us the Alex Rodriguez press conference right at the end of the episode, meaning that I had to tune in on SOAPNet to catch the final scenes, including one immortal line of dialogue that I want to watch on an endless loop. Thank you for that, ABC. Why couldn't you have cut in during one of the interminable scenes wherein Ryan was grieving?! The world's collective respect for Cameron Mathison wouldn't have plummeted if you had done that.
In the wake of Greenlee diving off of a cliff, I am left with several questions (Much like the latest non-sweeps non-crisis on General Hospitalhas me so confused that I can't finish a question without interrupting myself with a new one, I spend most of AMC boggled. What does it say about me that I can't follow soap opera plots? Nothing good, that's for sure):
- Why, when the writers need to write someone in Greenlee's circle off the show do they automatically think FALL OFF OF A CLIFF? Leo, Vanessa, Ryan (regrettably, that one didn't take) and now Greenlee herself. It's bizarre, lazy, unrealistic and...yeah, completely up AMC's alley.
- Does anyone else desperately miss Leo and Vanessa? Do you know what I'd give to have one or both of them back on canvas? A whole lot. I know that Josh Duhamel will never return, sadly (GREENLEO4EVA<3333), but...how awesome would it be? You don't need to answer that, we all know the answer is "very. Very awesome".
- Why is Kendall back in Pine Valley? I have been to Connecticut before and I know for a fact that they have hospitals there, so...
- Why the hell would Reese go back to Pine Valley with Zach and not stay with her new wife? "Because continuity and logic have no place on this show" and "because she's lame, clingy and a moron" are the obvious answers, I know, but still, it defies reason, it was so contrived.
But those are not my only questions...
Why didn't David and Greenlee have more scenes together following David's return? I know that would have been a crazy change of pace from David being an evil mustache-twirling villain, and that the current writers probably don't understand the David/Greenlee relationship, but STILL. David's rage at Zach for his part in Greenlee's death reminded me of how fabulous they were together.
David: Your heart rate and blood pressure went through the roof. What's the matter, Zach? Greenlee wasn't enough? You have to kill your wife, too?
David: She's ok, no thanks to you. You knew Kendall didn't want to go to that wedding. You knew that. So if you would have just listened to your wife, let her stay home, Greenlee would be on her honeymoon right now, instead of the bottom of some river. Good luck getting that off your conscience.
And yet we get stuck with David's insanely complicated plots and endless scenes of him yammering about something or other with Krystal.
David: She was the love of my brother's life. When Leo died, a piece of us all did. Same with Babe. I'm beginning to wonder if there's anything left. There's been so much loss.
Oh, David. While I understand the sentiment, I am going to need you to refrain from ever discussing Leo and Babe in the same sentence, unless you're talking about how weird it is that your brother brought new meaning to the word awesome, while your daughter was a vile skank and oh, aren't genetics a crazy thing.
Really, why did Reese go back to Pine Valley? What newlywed ditches her bride to go be a fifth wheel in another state? SHE IS THE WORST.
Is it just me, or was this hilarious?
Jake: You know, Greenlee is my friend, and my friend was supposed to walk down the aisle to her happily-ever-after. Someone deserves to have their happily-ever-after, right? She worked like hell to be with her -- her man, the man she loves, and now Ryan is dredging the river, looking for her body.
I don't know if Ricky Paull Goldin flubbed his line, but I prefer to think that Jake just had a really difficult time describing Ryan as the love of Greenlee's life. This was also a reminder that I wish that we had more Jake/Greenlee scenes, because the scenes that they did share were pretty great and RPG and Rebecca Budig worked together really well.
Did Ryan never get the birds and the bees talk? Is that why he thinks that kissing is the same thing as sex?
Ryan: I walked in on them, Bianca.
Bianca: Actually having --
Ryan: No, but they were on their way, and that's why Greenlee was on the road back to the chapel so she could ask Zach herself.
Bianca: Ok, look, i don't know what it is you think you saw, Ryan, but there's no way that Reese or Zach would hurt me like that.
Ryan: Really? Because you thought something was going on a few weeks ago?
Bianca: I was wrong.
Ryan: No, I was wrong. I should never have stopped you from testing them because if you had gone through with it, none of this would be happening.
1.) Write down today's date, because Ryan admitted he was wrong about something and I am sure that we won't be hearing that again for another decade
2.) "They were on their way" to having sex in the middle of a chapel? Really, Ryan and Bianca?
3.) I love how Bianca insisted that Reese and Zach would never hurt her like that. Sort of like how everybody knew that Bianca and Zach would never hurt Kendall...
Speaking of Kendall, we can now amend the list of terrible things that have happened to Kendall this year and add "Involved in accident that killed her best friend". Would anybody blame her for hitting herself in the head with a frying pan to induce another coma? Because I wouldn't.
Instead, she is choosing to deal with her pain by being an ice cold bitch and I have to tell you, it makes for pretty fantastic television:
Zach: When you were in the coma, I tried everything i could to get you back. But it wasn't working. I couldn't help you.
Kendall: So, you helped yourself to Reese instead.
Having it out with Bianca was also good television:
Kendall: You were going to tell me? Like you told me about the baby? Or -- or told me about Zach being the father? My god, Bianca, what is it about the truth that is so hard for everyone?
Bianca: Ok, you want the truth? I know why Greenlee was going back to the chapel.
Kendall: So do I.
Bianca: You do?
Kendall:Yeah. She was the only one willing to be honest. She was going to confront Zach and slam him with the truth about what he did with your new wife. You knew there was something going on.
Kendall: Oh, god, yes! Bianca, Greenlee told me about the test. You had doubts, and you went ahead and you married Reese anyway? What the hell is wrong with you [!!!!!!--Ed.]?
Bianca: I honestly believed she loved me.
Kendall: Well, you should never believe another word out of Reese's mouth. It's lies -- every last word.
She got a few quality digs in, but I was so struck with...sadness. I mean, this scene was entertaining and I was so glad to hear Kendall say everything that we've all been thinking about the lies and the betrayal and the unbelievable horror that is Reese, but it was also a huge reminder of the fact that a great, deep, complex relationship between these two sisters was COMPLETELY obliterated in a few short months. And for what? A hugely unpopular story? Way to effing go, AMC.
Was Zach's big declaration to Reese too little, too late, or was it awesome?
Zach: That tornado caused a lot of damage, but nothing compared to what our friendship has caused. It's got to end. It's got to end now.
It was way harsh, in the best possible way. Your "friendship" is fatal and evil! Suck on that, Reese.
And then Bianca had that one genius line, that was so worth tuning into the SOAPNet rerun:
Bianca: Don't you dare touch me.
So brief and to the point, if eons behind the rest of the world.