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« I Hope Josh's Heart Is Strong Enough To Deal With All Of This Drama! | Main | Who Knew That ABC Was So Charitable? »

February 02, 2009

Curse You, Jane Elliot!

At least twice per episode, I declare, after being bewildered/angered/bored to tears by whatever is happening on screen (like, say, a hospital being quarantined because of a toxin and the local MAFIA BOSS/HIRED KILLER is the one in charge of building security), that I am THROUGH with General Hospital. "I'm DONE," I say, either in emails to Beccaor aloud to whoever happens to be in my vicinity. "I can't do it anymore! Uncle! Mercy! You win, Guza. Mallory Out!"

And, yet, I never follow through on these melodramatic threats. It's partially a misguided sense of loyalty to a show that doesn't deserve it. It's partially habit. But a big part of it is that if I stop watching, I will miss the televised goodness of Jane Elliot doing what she does best: being awesome.

I mean, what if I had quit, for real, and missed today's episode and this amazing union of Tracy Quartermaine and Awesome Writer? It's like they heard the maxim Quartermaine snaps are the best kind of snaps and did their best to prove it correct but also make it kind of an understatement.

Sonny: What do you expect? He's a con.

Edward: Oh, look who's talking.

Tracy: Daddy, Sonny's not a con. He's a thug. There's a difference.

Edward: No, no, no, no. Corinthos, Zacchara, and that one over there drinking -- they're all alike. They're blights on the universe.

Ric: Oh, and we speak so fondly of you. [Dear Rick Hearst, Please leave GH and go to a show that deserves your brilliant line readings. XOXO, Mallory]

Carly: Seriously, you guys are going to bicker the whole time we're in here?

Tracy: Oh, no. We could talk about you.

Carly: And why would you want to do that?

Tracy: Because you are such a fascinating case study. For instance, you destroy everything you touch.

Sonny: Easy, Tracy. [Can it, Weeble]

Carly: No, let her talk [Carly's hubris in thinking that she can play on the Q's level? Adorable! You'd feel bad for how utterly out of her league she is if...well, if she weren't who she is

Tracy: As if anybody could stop me. You throw a fundraiser to whitewash Michael's condition and all your guests get poisoned. There must be a metaphor in there somewhere. [And the heavenly choir sings...]


Tracy: Did you just tell me to shut up?

Sonny: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tracy: What's going to happen if i don't? You're gonna break my kneecaps? [Only if you were the one responsible for ruining the transfer of his VHS tapes to DVD, Tracy!]

I especially liked the destruction she left in her wake


  "But...she...I'm Carly! She can't do that!"


  "And then she said all of these words, and I don't know what they mean..."

I know that tuning in everyday for more of Tracy's venomous goodness is pointless because Jane Elliot and Awesome Writer are only allowed on set, like, twice a month. So I will just curse myself for being a sucker and marvel at just how satisfying the Tracy part of this episode was (the rest of the episode? Dreck, obvs).


You mean you didn't enjoy the fact that Jason might be in charge of security but he couldn't keep Lucky Spencer (who we can all agree is not written as the brightest bulb in the barrel at times even though I disagree wholeheartedly with said writing) OUT OF THE HOSPITAL?

Or was that just me?

But yes Quatermaine snaps delivered by Jane Elliot are the best kind!

In your next GH post, you must discuss the Toxic Balls.

Not to nitpick, ladies, but Jane's last name is with one T, not two.


Oh Lindsey, I sooo agree. If ever a phrase needed pontification it is "toxic balls"!

For instance, if Weeble should ever grow old, I nominate naming Sonny "Toxic Balls". The Duh Face Impregnating Weeble is the King of toxic balls IMO.

Jane Elliot is a master class in action. She is extraordinary. If only she was on air more than five times a year!!!! Her takedowns in that room were joy inducing, far surpassing the Super Bowl :-)

If Patrick gets weepy over Liz or Leyla for one more second I am going to mail Guza a bag of dog shit.

I know today's show sucked, except for tracy, she really was the star of today's episode. during this latest GH "crisis" the only story that is really standing out to me is Robin's PPD. Kimberly is doing a fantastic job at it. Lady's, I hope that you guys can post a little on that, it is one if not the only positive story on this show, if not the only positive thing. And I have been liking patrick during this whole "crisis" but seriously, did they have to write him like they did today, I mean the hospital is like going down, his wife and baby are in bad shape, and they had to write him all focused on Leyla and liz Y? Y? CAN'T GUZA GET FIRED? WHY??????

what I mean by positive story I mean although it is serious and tough to watch, it is and this is to my surprise the only well written realistic story on right now, that is the PPD. it is a serious medical condition and I am glad to see at least so far that is, that it is being written correctly. and like I said before, Kimberly is doing fantastic job with it.

Damn! I was hoping you guys would supply me with a screen cap of this Ethan person. I'm fascinated from the TWOP descriptions:

Teeth too big for mouth.
Mouth where Mr. Potatohead's mustache would be.
Talks like mouth wired shut.
Wallet chained to pants.
Unidentifiable accent.

I'll have to go to Youtube, but I still hope to see some sort of comment here.

Mallory, you're a genius!
The great Jane Elliot is the ONLY reason I watch GH.
(That's not 100% true. Sometimes, Tony Geary is a motivating factor, too). I'm surprised you didn't mention the little, silly bit today with Tracy and Ephiphany at the detox shower. HA! Don't you wish you could have heard a little more banter between Tracy and Phiph? Two power women going at it. Hilarious! It was great, but I did feel a little cheated. I wanted MORE!

I totally laughed at your caption beneath Sonny's picture. Thank you.

Toxic Balls?! I am so glad I'm not watching.

Not to be mean, but Sonny looks sooooo tired and run down. This is one of two leading men on the show? The other, looking a little bloated these days. Have they just given up? Will we ever have the opportunity for any new MALE characters to rise to the top, ever again? Are TPTB so convinced that the show won't be around much longer - and apparently trying everything in their power to make sure it isn't - that they have no interest in developing NEW leading men for the show? We're stuck with these two loser characters until the show is cancelled, aren't we?

:-) Lisa, right on the money! Mallory we need some commentary on this new dufus Ethan.

1) He is wasting Luke's screen time while his wife Tracy is near death soon enough, and kicking ass at GH.

2) His accent is even more marble mouthed and unidentifiable than almost dead Leyla's. Shocking right? Who thought that could get worse.

3) He is dim, shaggy, looks high, and IMO not even cute. WTF do we need another talentless newbie for Guza?

They are building new hospital sets and paying this kid a salary when hundreds are losing their jobs @ ABC and the show is in financial and ratings jeopardy? Not to mention not hiring vets partially due to not being able to afford them. How about some more CGI to do it all in Guza? Or are you planning on buring money to get ratings?

Color me baffled, and severely disappointed.

You know a Q is going down for daring to suggest that Snarly aren't the Greatest.Parents.Evah!

Gosh, Jane Elliot TOTALLY rocked that scene! I loved the con/thug ref. Awesome!!

I know that Carly isn't the best parent ever but, let's be honest, neither are any of the Qs.

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