Curse You, Jane Elliot!
At least twice per episode, I declare, after being bewildered/angered/bored to tears by whatever is happening on screen (like, say, a hospital being quarantined because of a toxin and the local MAFIA BOSS/HIRED KILLER is the one in charge of building security), that I am THROUGH with General Hospital. "I'm DONE," I say, either in emails to Beccaor aloud to whoever happens to be in my vicinity. "I can't do it anymore! Uncle! Mercy! You win, Guza. Mallory Out!"
And, yet, I never follow through on these melodramatic threats. It's partially a misguided sense of loyalty to a show that doesn't deserve it. It's partially habit. But a big part of it is that if I stop watching, I will miss the televised goodness of Jane Elliot doing what she does best: being awesome.
I mean, what if I had quit, for real, and missed today's episode and this amazing union of Tracy Quartermaine and Awesome Writer? It's like they heard the maxim Quartermaine snaps are the best kind of snaps and did their best to prove it correct but also make it kind of an understatement.
Sonny: What do you expect? He's a con.
Edward: Oh, look who's talking.
Tracy: Daddy, Sonny's not a con. He's a thug. There's a difference.
Edward: No, no, no, no. Corinthos, Zacchara, and that one over there drinking -- they're all alike. They're blights on the universe.
Ric: Oh, and we speak so fondly of you. [Dear Rick Hearst, Please leave GH and go to a show that deserves your brilliant line readings. XOXO, Mallory]
Carly: Seriously, you guys are going to bicker the whole time we're in here?
Tracy: Oh, no. We could talk about you.
Carly: And why would you want to do that?
Tracy: Because you are such a fascinating case study. For instance, you destroy everything you touch.
Sonny: Easy, Tracy. [Can it, Weeble]
Carly: No, let her talk [Carly's hubris in thinking that she can play on the Q's level? Adorable! You'd feel bad for how utterly out of her league she is if...well, if she weren't who she is]
Tracy: As if anybody could stop me. You throw a fundraiser to whitewash Michael's condition and all your guests get poisoned. There must be a metaphor in there somewhere. [And the heavenly choir sings...]
Tracy: Did you just tell me to shut up?
Sonny: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tracy: What's going to happen if i don't? You're gonna break my kneecaps? [Only if you were the one responsible for ruining the transfer of his VHS tapes to DVD, Tracy!]
I especially liked the destruction she left in her wake
"But...she...I'm Carly! She can't do that!"
"And then she said all of these words, and I don't know what they mean..."
I know that tuning in everyday for more of Tracy's venomous goodness is pointless because Jane Elliot and Awesome Writer are only allowed on set, like, twice a month. So I will just curse myself for being a sucker and marvel at just how satisfying the Tracy part of this episode was (the rest of the episode? Dreck, obvs).