Equal Opportunity Offenders
Friday's episode of All My Children was pretty inspiring, no? What a stand the producers took, affirming their commitment to equality and noting that lesbians, too, can have poorly written, doomed marriages! I got goosebumps.
Yes, daytime's first lesbian wedding happened on Friday the 13th (!!!) and lucky audiences got to see a legacy character marry a chick who, hours before the wedding, made out with her bride-to-be's brother-in-law and dreamed about marrying said bride-to-be's brother-in-law. It was about as romantic and life-affirming as, well, Friday the 13th.
Remember when Julie Hanan Carruthers complained about the stupid audience misinterpreting her show's great romance, saying, "[Reese] is not considering [leaving Bianca for a man]. That’s the audience rewriting what’s there. It’s not being written that way at all. Reese has never wavered in what she wants"?
Please watch the start of Friday's episode, starting at 0:47.
Either JHC doesn't watch the show, or she's a lying liar who lies, although it's possible that she's both. While I have many theories, the only hard fact I have gleaned from this is that JHC is a liar who liberally uses condescending bitchiness.
I am, as is my wont, completely disappointed with AMC. Because I loved Bianca for a long time and wanted her to be happy and marry an amazing woman. But then she had to go ahead and have Zach's baby, betraying a handful of people in the process, and marry Reese, who is about as amazing as a broken bone. I also would have liked, you know, the first lesbian wedding on daytime to not be a complete fucking joke, so my wishes are just being shot down left and right.
Bianca, unsurprisingly, looked amazing, and her vows were so sweet, if overlong, especially if you try your best to forget that they were directed at Reese.
Bianca: It may not have Cupid's arrow that brought us together, but the day Miranda's ball hit you in the head, my heart changed forever. I found a woman of strength, passion, and beauty. I look into your eyes and I see my soulmate. I see tomorrow and the day after that and all the days to come. I see passion and joy for each other, our life together, our family, our future, wherever we are and whatever it brings. You make me feel safe and loved, like anything's possible. And with you, it is. I promise to always put my hand in yours so that we can face what's ahead together. You're my strength. No matter how dark some days may be, I know that I can survive anything wrapped in your arms, your love, our family. I promise to be your partner, your home, your wife, for eternity.
Beautiful, right? Savor your eight minutes of happiness, Binks!
What was with her earlier in the episode, bitching about Kendall, though?
Bianca: No, no, no. We're not delaying anything. I'm getting married today. And if Kendall doesn't want to be a part of it, then so be it.
Didn't she beg Kendall to go to the wedding the day before? A girl could get whiplash from all of these plot contrivances.
And also...why is everybody getting irritated at Kendall, like she's just this total drag? The woman just woke up from a months long coma! She had a heart transplant! A bunch of people changed her life behind her back and she just found out about those changes. It's not like she's complaining about a broken nail.
Miranda: I'm not a vision. I'm the flower girl.
Ryan, the alleged greatest hero to ever live who is not named Jason Morgan, is kind of a shitty friend. Are we supposed to be proud of him that he contemplated telling Bianca about Zach and Reese making out? Like the thought crossed his mind, so we should give him a cookie. I don't think so, Ry-Ry.
Ryan: Hey, Bianca? Be happy, ok?
"It will be hard when you find out that your wife kissed a man right before your wedding, but for me, just be happy"
And while I agreed with him that sharing a wedding with an obviously doomed couple doesn't spell good things for his future with Greenlee (a) double weddings suck on principle (b) the fact that he and Greenlee were both married to other people when they got engaged is equally ominous.
Ryan: Hey, excuse me. Have you seen my bride?
Man: She was just here and headed for her motorcycle.
I swear, I started to pray for death.
There is so much wrong with this plot twist, because Greenlee, Rebecca Budig and the audience all deserve better, but what I most want to know is...WHY DIDN'T SHE CHANGE?! Why did she take off to confront Zach in her full wedding look, veil and all?! She wasn't getting married! The wedding was already postponed! I know it makes for a good visual, bride on a motorcycle (by "good", I obviously mean "laughable"), but it makes zero sense, which is I guess par for the course with the show.
UGH. This show is UGH.