Guza's March To the Sea
Now when we say that Guza torched the hell out of General Hospital, it works on a factual level as well as a metaphorical one.
This non-sweeps stunt stands out even amongst prior stunts for the sheer laziness of the writing (reminder: prior stunts include "Masked Men Take Over the Metro Court Before Jason Saves The Day", and "A Strangler Terrorizes The Black and White Ball Before Jason Saves The Day"), I assume because Bob Guza was all, "Right, right, plot, continuity, yeah, we'll get to that. Tell me...when do we get to blow stuff up?"
Is it just me? Or does so much of what we are seeing not make any sense? It's like I have two possible reactions to this show: blistering rage or slack-jawed confusion. I will admit, in fairness to the GH powers-that-be, that some of my confusion is due to paralyzing boredom that glazes my eyes over during certain scenes and renders my comprehension useless. But the rest of the questions I continue to have are the direct result of the GH writers half-assing the entire non-event.
- If the hospital exploded, how come some technology still works? And why didn't cell phones work, but Spinelli's internet connection did?
- Does Winifred sap everybody else of their will to live, or is that just me?
Winifred:Thank gods and goddesses. No, no, they must be possessed by the zorn of zurenar if they truly expect the priestess to comply.
I seriously cannot deal. I want her dead, and I don't care if they have to bring Diego back to do it.
- Is Luke's complete obliviousness to the fact that his entire family is in mortal, toxic-ball related danger supposed to be entertaining? Like, "Haha, this is ironic! His family is in peril and he's yukking it up! HAHA!"? Because if that's what they were aiming for they failed.
- Is there any particular reason that Ethan was introduced during this "important" "crisis" that "will change everything"? Could it not have waited a few weeks? I know that they get really excited when they have something new and shiny to play with, but surely he's not that awesome that he needed to be shoehorned into this non-sweeps non-event.
- Did anybody else gasp when Jax was flying the helicopter? Because I was pretty shocked to see Jax be a hero, and in keeping with his character history, even!
- Am I the only one who gets a little excited when Alexis shows up, even if it's only for a few seconds? It's a nice reminder that she still exists and that the writers haven't decided to kill her, off camera.
- Why is Nikolas acting like doppelgangers are some earth-shattering, insane event? Because he had a lookalike of his own, so he should be used to this by now.
- How long will Lulu's sudden jaunt into the land of normalcy last? She's been more than tolerable lately, perhaps because she's in close proximity to Tracy, and Tracy's awesomeness has a tendency to rub off on people.
- And will Carly always stay rational and adorable? Because I LOVE this version of Carly.
She's cute, and funny, and remarkably unshrill, and the voice of reason, and it's...well, unsettling. Maybe Emily's not the only one with a doppelganger running around.
- The show's, um, subtle foreshadowing leads me to ask: how long before Maxie gets pregnant? And will it be a terrible story? Just kidding about that last part, of course it will be a terrible story.
- Why hasn't Kate just told Sonny that Claudia is involved with Michael's shooting? Why is she prefacing her big announcement with hours worth of Shakesperean prose about the importance of what she's about to tell him?
- How much of a huge freaking bitch is Olivia? Why did she burn the DVD? Why didn't she at least watch it to see if Kate was being irrational or not? I mean, wouldn't any good busybody at least watch the DVD?! What would Gladys Kravitz say?!
- How pathetic was the snow on today's show?
That's just shredded paper!
- Really, Bob Guza set fire to General Hospital. I have so many questions, all with some variation of "fuck", "mental deficiency", "childhood trauma", "fucking", "hate", "hack", "bastard", "offensive" and "fuckety" in them. But mostly I cry.