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« I'm Sorry To Bother You, But Are You Aware That Your Show Sucks? | Main | My Hart Will Go On »

February 05, 2009

I Couldn't Contain It (My Boredom, That Is)

It's terribly fitting, isn't it, that one could answer the question "What's the non-sweeps stunt on GH about?" with "...balls". It's factual AND descriptive!

Yes, another General Hospital stunt has, to the surprise of absolutely no one, been terrible, in every conceivable way. We all knew it would be terrible; after all, we've lived through over a decade's worth of Guza's stunt plots (I feel like calling them plots is giving them far too much credit, but "hastily conceived of and poorly written ideas slapped together with no rhyme or reason" takes too long to type) (and also, ohmigod, how sad is it that this man has been getting paid to ruin this show for more than ten years?), so the real question was how terrible it would be. And I have to admit, it has kind of exceeded my expectations in terms of badness, mostly because I don't understand a lot of it.

I admit this with great reservation, as it is awfully embarrassing to be on the record as being confused by stories written by Bob Guza & Co., but it's true: There are numerous things about this show that I don't understand, the first and foremost being, obviously, why the eff do I still watch?

WHY are they using the song "Breathe (2 AM)" by Anna Nalick in endlessly aired promos for this show? For starters, it's old, and not in the fun "old enough to be retro" way, just "is it 2005 again and no one told me?". And it was also used multiple times on Grey's Anatomy, and you know what I always say: when you brazenly copy something, you don't need to copy EVERYTHING about it. Okay, I've never actually said that, and it could stand to be a little catchier, but STILL.


HOW did Mark Pinter manage to deliver this line with a straight face?

Inspector Rayner:Well, look, I'm sorry, Mr. Jax, but we can't allow civilians to interfere in emergencies.

ORLY, Inspector Rayner?


I mean, I know, heaven forbid we have a story where Jason isn't the central focus, the voice of reason and the greatest hero to ever live. I'd never suggest anything quite so ludicrous. But couldn't they have involved him in a way that wasn't quite so ham-fisted and, um, crappy?

WHY was Jax not allowed into the hospital but Leyla's fiance was? Related: HOW AWKWARD was it when Sam started to console Leyla's fiance after Leyla's, uh, tragic (?) demise? Perhaps that's just my personal issue, as I wouldn't want a stranger trying to help me grieve. I also don't like it when strangers tell me to smile. I am starting to think that Stranger Danger had a more profound impact on my life than I had ever realized.

ARE we supposed to laugh when Rebecca skulks around? Because I do.


I am always looking forward to where she'll randomly pop up next. It's like my own personal Where's Waldo game?

WHO DO I WRITE TO about the beret situation? I thought that berets died their long overdue death when the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke and the fact that they are coming back upsets me. Stop trying to make berets happen!

REALLY LUCKY? I hate to nitpick the otherwise adorable Lucky and Elizabeth scenes of late, but seriously, Lucky? Your reaction to Elizabeth being in peril and possibly leaving your children motherless is to go see her in the hospital, running the risk of leaving your boys total orphans?


I mean, I know Cam could totally take care of himself and raise Jake, if need be, but let's not go out of our way to make that a certainty rather than a possibility!

WHAT WILL IT TAKE to get Ric and Alexis storylines of their own? Rick Hearst and Nancy Lee Grahn deserve to be more than good looking window dressing.

HOW could the writers so totally waste Stephen Macht? I know that expecting this regime to do anything decent is asking far too much of them, but this actor, and his character, are filled with so much potential and yet...nothing.

ALSO, DID YOU KNOW that his son Gabriel Macht is married to Jacinda Barrett of The Real World: Most Boring Season Ever London? This random factoid has nothing to do with anything and I am sure that we will all promptly forget it within minutes, but I like to reminisce about the days when The Real World didn't make me feel dirty inside.

HOW effortlessly pretty is Laura Wright?


She pulls off a ponytail quite cutely.



That pout irritates me something fierce.

IS ROBIN'S PPD STORY written and produced by two completely different sets of people? Because some of it is SO genuinely good and completely at odds with the rest of the show. It should go without saying that Kimberly McCullough has been completely heartbreaking and amazing during this story and it's kind of a shame, because GH in no way deserves such a fantastic performance.


The other part of it is what we've come to expect of this show: dumb. How did Robin get lost driving in the town she's lived in since the 80s? Why on earth would she walk through the snow after her accident and not on the main road? Why would she get out of the car at all? Why is this show so unfailingly committed to contrivance and not, like, producing high quality television?

SINCE WHEN is Sam a bad shot?


Isn't being calm  and good with a gun her raison d'être?

But I suppose I can forgive this contrivance because it led to some hilarity. Intentional hilarity, even!

1.) Jason's facial expression after being shot was wounded, in more than one sense of the word.



Sam: I could make the shot.

Jason: OBVIOUSLY, you can't.

Sam: You stepped in to the line of fire! It's really not my fault that I shot you.



Epiphany:A blizzard outside. The hospital locked down by the FBI. A deadly poison loose in the air supply. And here I am, bandaging up everyone's favorite hitman, and he won't even tell me how he got shot.

Double ha! That's the Pip I grew to love on Night Shift: 2--bitchy, but in a hilarious way and for all the right reasons. Pip, Pip, hooray!



The adorability is off the charts.

DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY watch the Sonny/Zacchara scenes?


I feel like you should probably be studied for scientific purposes, perhaps with a researcher looking to see exactly how much concentrated stupid (and hamminess) a person can sit through without losing it.

Also, perhaps one of you could answer me this question: why did Sonny have a gun with him even after he changed into scrubs? And, of course, the bigger question: did he really bring a gun with him to Michael's benefit? Is even Sonny that big of a dick?

SERIOUSLY, toxic balls, what the hell?


do you think this would actually work?

petition to can bob guza


IS there a way to insert Jason into the middle of a story that isn't completley ham-fisted and crappy? I mean really? Truly?

The hilarity of Jason getting shot and otherwise being made to look like a complete failure at his job as Hero of the Hospital (i.e...can't keep ANYONE out of the hospital....couldnt' find the truck to begin with...can't offer anything in the way of medical help.....) plus the truly adorable Lucky/Liz scenes and Edward are like the only reasons I watched ANYTHING today.

JOHN INGLE IS THE CUTEST EVER! I was hoping you'd mention him.

The rest of the show? Not so much with the good.

Sonny brought a gun to the benefit for Michael, who was shot in the head because they wanted Sonny dead. Really no one thought that was a bad, insensitive idea?! What am I saying this is GH, thinking was never an option.

So in the past week two people have told me they watch GH daily for entertainment purposes, seriously I'm not making this up it actually happened.

Poor Lucky. Don't blame him for his dimness re: Cam & Jake....Unfortunately the last time he showed signs of real intelligence was circa Jonathan Jackson...Besides, L&L2 have been totally cute with their reconnecting...I'll blame the toxic balls for their cute little memories being slightly off. So young when they got married?!? Guys, it was like 3.25 years ago.

Excellent post, the boredom reigns supreme in Guzaville.

I loathe Carly, I have since she arrived in the olden days. For me, the character is unredeemable and continues to be awful in a hundred ways no matter the Guza heroine worship or history rewrites.

Sarah Brown makes my skin crawl, just my personal opinion. Her return to GH made me weep and scream in fury. IMO Claudia sucks too!!!

Tamara Braun annoyed the hell out of me as Carly and amazingly she is even more offensive as the clueless idiot bitch Reese on AMC.

The Carly # 3 actress was mainly at Roselawn and had a bar fight w/ Sam, she made no real impression other than she was just another actress in a role I wish would die a painful swift death forever.

Then Laura Wright, the endless screeching sniping braless horridly outfitted Carly # 4. No surprise, I hate her too. Yet, her hair is a gift from above and even when it sucks all frizzy and curly it still is amazing. And today, she actually spoke in a normal non yelling non screechy voice and it was a rare treat for me. I can see where she is a good actress, she had several strong scenes when Michael was shot. Yet the character remains the same for me, horrid, selfish, manipulative, absentee Mother, mob obsessed totally beyond greedy amoral and reckless. Now that they are bringing Michael back to life I wanna scream, are we supposed to forget the shooting cuz he gets a baseless miracle cure? I don't think death and terminal illness should be a joke on a show about a hospital.

But she, LW as Carly, looked gorgeous today. Note to GH behind the scenes crew. Tone down her wardrobe and throw her hair into a ponytail and it's perfection. Plain scrubs and a hair elastic kicked all her other styles in the ass.

Why must the GH Morons In Charge mess so awfully with perfection. Whether a talented actor/actress or natural beauty or show history and stories they ruin it all with stupid hideous ridiculous crappy stunts.

Is anyone really interested in the GH helicopter evacuations from the roof while the building is on fire a la the PC Hotel Fire stunt redux? Is Courtney gonna reappear too and save another 10 million dollar doggie? Eff ME!!! Or does anyone buy this toxic ball transport being done in a guys stomach for no reason any human can rationalize? Or Robin getting freakin' lost in PC? Or Rizzo/Emily/Beret Girl's hapless wanderings? Who actually likes or buys into any of this?

What a waste. Sorry for the rant, but all the missed opportunities for greatness is offensive and it pains me as a fan.

Thanks to Mallory and Becca for this place of sanity in soapland.

1) I love JT, but lately it seems like he has gotten acting tips from Joey on Friends (Spit when you ennunciate)

2) Jason getting shot by Sam....unexpected fun.

3) Tracy telling Edward when Jason came in the room, "You don't know where he has been. You don't know what he does."

Definately best line of the past 6 months, at least.

The most irritating part for me is Patrick being shadowed by Superman, Wonderwoman and their sidekick. Law enforcement of any kind does not stand a chance on this show.

What an insult that Sonny could not leave his gun at home while attending a function honoring his son that was SHOT IN THE HEAD!!!

With the exception of Robin and Emma getting stuck in the blizzard, still liking the PPD storyline. Hopefully, Robin will start dealing with this issue soon.

At least, the Quartermaines are getting some airtime the last few days!

Awesome post but how can you leave out Johnny/Maxie? They are HOT!!!!!!

well seriously does this "HW" FuGuza have an original bone at all? this toxin "crisis" is boring, predictable, unoriginal..... I will say this though when sam shot jason and he said: "you shot me" that was really funny!!!!
and despite Robin and Emma being stuck in the blizzard in a town where robin grew up in, KMc's performance and skills as an actress is AMAZING!! this PPD story is the only story being written well, and because of that I agree with u lady's that someone else must be writing and producing her story.

Mallory, after watching this I'll stop mocking you for posting Robin's Diary. It's that much better than this, uh, crisis caused by balls.

Well, I'll still mock you, but this is just awful.

Ok, ok, I must have watched a completely different episode of GH.

I thought that the 'buddy banter' between Sam & Jason was stupid and annoying. Apparently we are now supposed to root for Jason & Sam to get back together 'cuz they are such an adorable, madcap couple -- the hitman and his 'everyday hero', both with hearts of gold. Puleeze!

Liz and Lucky...LL2 yet again...BORING!!! Spare me. These two have as much chemistry as toadstools. LL2 haven't been even remotely compelling since 1999 -- give it up!

In the past six months, the two characters that have come off the cutest on GH are Edward and Cameron. WHAT does THAT tell you?!

Sonny looks old, Jason looks bloated, Lucky has greasy hair. Yuk. Patrick is still hot, but it is not enough to save this Guza/Frons/Phelps crapfest.

The Mob, molls, 'hero hitman', screeching females, misogyny, guns, ghosts, unlocked door, toxic balls and berets all HAVE TO GO!!!

Petition to fire Brian Frons:


I'm glad you referenced the cute parts of the show, which there were, FOR A CHANGE. John Ingle--cutest ever. Ric and Alexis SO need an s/l. As for Rayner telling Jax ab civilians not being allowed ... well, technically Jason would be an unlawful combatant being in the mob .. LOL

And Sonny with a gun ... totally didn't can't that. So true!

So true ab LW being pretty ... gosh, it should be forbidden how pretty she is.

I hope next time you screencap us all the ppl in scrubs and tell us who looks best in them!

This "catastrophe that will change nothing" is so ridiculous that I have just given up. So many things make me roll my eyes. No FBI, no police or biochemical specialists in the hospital. Jason, Sonny, Spinelli and Sam are in charge. I can't figure why Patrick is listening to them. Cell service is down and yet Spinelli is able to use wireless to track and hack everything in PC.

Gumily is a joke as she wanders around the hospital and no one notices. The least, they could have done is have members of the hospital staff tell Nikolas about a woman who looks exactly like Emily, but he doesn't believe them or think they are exaggerating. It would be far more believable than this crap.

I was totally enjoying Robin's PPD story and Kimberly's performances. Now she is lost in the middle of suburbia. How is that possible? It is freaking crazy. Typical GH. Nothing dramatic and organic can be explored instead everything must turn into an over the top farce. When you come GH to Y&R this week, it is clear why GH is going down the tubes.

Laura Wright did look very pretty.

What is so incredibly frustrating about this show is that all those things you talked about - all the details that don't makes sense, all the contrivances - it's all stuff any adult with a brain cell could see as a problem. And yet, it still gets written. Which means, the show is either truly being written by six year olds, or writers who simply don't care. Which means, the writers don't care. They can't, there's no thought process on this planet that could justify what gets put on the screen. Soaps have always had wacky stories, they've always stretched reality to the edge and beyond, but once upon a time, even within those stretches, you could see the writers trying to write something good. It may not have worked, but they tried. Today's GH - they don't even try. The show is half-heartedly written, full of mistakes, full of non-sensical actions, full of crap. It's like they are trying to go a level below Saturday morning cartoons - and succeeding, and somehow to today's GH writers, that's great. It's truly sad to see what little effort is put into this show anymore. Just think what kind of a show we would have if someone would come on board to steer this sinking ship - someone who cared, someone who understood the soap genre, who understood if you are going to go down (and I think all soaps eventually will), go down with your head held high, putting out quality product to the best of your ability - don't just give up and let it be so clearly evident on screen.

Bravo, Bravo ladies!! I agree with all that you said!! Loved this post soo much!!!

i swear, there have been many moments throughout this storyline that have made me go WTF? Especially those random moments when they have Rebecca (NotEmily) pop-up out of the blue and Nik has yet to see her yet!

But yes, i do have to say that John Ingle was just adorable in those scenes as well.

I have also been enjoying Liz and Lucky as well. What can I say, I am a fan of LnL2 till the end. Though, I would really like to see Jonathan Jackson back in the role as Lucky. I think i would bawl my eyes out if he was the one sitting by Liz's bed side and reminiscing their past.

Oh, i do want to point out that surprisingly enough, I have enjoyed the Johnny and Maxie scenes!

You forgot my favorite scene. SuperSam, Jack of all trades, wanting to do the autopsy when a doctor is standing right there. LMAO.

You hit the right word on Robin's PPD story. It's genuine. So much so that it touches you. I get it. All of Robin's actions and reactions I am totally understanding. About Robin getting lost...
I wrote somewhere that it would have made sense for GH history and legacy sakes for Robin and her new family to live next door to the Q's (could you imagine the Edward/ScrubsEmma scenes) or across from Uncle Mac. I guess now I know why those locations wouldn't do-GH needed the plot point for Robin to get lost in a neighborhood across town. Also I guess for Patrick to not quickly be able to get home/work. Maybe after this storyline is over they will let Scrubs relocate from Robin's PPD impulse driven house choice!!! Robin's quiet PPD story has me on the edge of my seat. Good work Kimberly McCullough.

i've been DYING to see maxie and johnny together! super hot! i can't handle LuLu anymore. She's wretched.

I know Robin's been living in PC since the 80s but she did just move across town to a different area...maybe she got lost trying to take a shortcut? i just love Kimberly M and Robin's character so i'm all about making excuses for her!

Since they refuse to write for Ric & Alexis, maybe they could just start standing in for Jason and Lulu? Give those actors a break and say the lines for them? I sure could take blank stares and shrieking a lot better from Rick Hearst and Nancy Lee Grahn.

I didn't even pick up on the fact that Sonny had a gun at Michael's benefit. I guess this show has numbed me to the fact that just about everyone carries a gun that I didn't even bat an eye when he pulled the gun on Anthony. I wonder how he managed to keep the gun in the drawstring waistband of his scrubs pants, unless he wears some kind of holster! Maybe he has a special gun pocket in the back of his underwear.

Everyone's comments are so spot-on and you are all saying the same things I'm thinking as I watch the show. If only TIIC would listen to what viewers are really saying. I think they mistake fan appreciation for the actors as approval of the terrible stories they write for the actors to perform.

Seriously, your columns make me smile every time. Kudos to you! Too bad I can't say the same about GH.

I'm going to fanwank that Lucky knew Cam and Jake wouldn't be alone if something happened to him and Liz. After all, isn't Spencer old enough to adopt and raise them? Or can he not afford to do it on Social Security?

Robin put Emma in a tree. It blows my mind. Whatever Guza is smoking, I don't want any.


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