I Couldn't Contain It (My Boredom, That Is)
It's terribly fitting, isn't it, that one could answer the question "What's the non-sweeps stunt on GH about?" with "...balls". It's factual AND descriptive!
Yes, another General Hospital stunt has, to the surprise of absolutely no one, been terrible, in every conceivable way. We all knew it would be terrible; after all, we've lived through over a decade's worth of Guza's stunt plots (I feel like calling them plots is giving them far too much credit, but "hastily conceived of and poorly written ideas slapped together with no rhyme or reason" takes too long to type) (and also, ohmigod, how sad is it that this man has been getting paid to ruin this show for more than ten years?), so the real question was how terrible it would be. And I have to admit, it has kind of exceeded my expectations in terms of badness, mostly because I don't understand a lot of it.
I admit this with great reservation, as it is awfully embarrassing to be on the record as being confused by stories written by Bob Guza & Co., but it's true: There are numerous things about this show that I don't understand, the first and foremost being, obviously, why the eff do I still watch?
WHY are they using the song "Breathe (2 AM)" by Anna Nalick in endlessly aired promos for this show? For starters, it's old, and not in the fun "old enough to be retro" way, just "is it 2005 again and no one told me?". And it was also used multiple times on Grey's Anatomy, and you know what I always say: when you brazenly copy something, you don't need to copy EVERYTHING about it. Okay, I've never actually said that, and it could stand to be a little catchier, but STILL.
HOW did Mark Pinter manage to deliver this line with a straight face?
Inspector Rayner:Well, look, I'm sorry, Mr. Jax, but we can't allow civilians to interfere in emergencies.
ORLY, Inspector Rayner?
I mean, I know, heaven forbid we have a story where Jason isn't the central focus, the voice of reason and the greatest hero to ever live. I'd never suggest anything quite so ludicrous. But couldn't they have involved him in a way that wasn't quite so ham-fisted and, um, crappy?
WHY was Jax not allowed into the hospital but Leyla's fiance was? Related: HOW AWKWARD was it when Sam started to console Leyla's fiance after Leyla's, uh, tragic (?) demise? Perhaps that's just my personal issue, as I wouldn't want a stranger trying to help me grieve. I also don't like it when strangers tell me to smile. I am starting to think that Stranger Danger had a more profound impact on my life than I had ever realized.
ARE we supposed to laugh when Rebecca skulks around? Because I do.
I am always looking forward to where she'll randomly pop up next. It's like my own personal Where's Waldo game?
WHO DO I WRITE TO about the beret situation? I thought that berets died their long overdue death when the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke and the fact that they are coming back upsets me. Stop trying to make berets happen!
REALLY LUCKY? I hate to nitpick the otherwise adorable Lucky and Elizabeth scenes of late, but seriously, Lucky? Your reaction to Elizabeth being in peril and possibly leaving your children motherless is to go see her in the hospital, running the risk of leaving your boys total orphans?
I mean, I know Cam could totally take care of himself and raise Jake, if need be, but let's not go out of our way to make that a certainty rather than a possibility!
WHAT WILL IT TAKE to get Ric and Alexis storylines of their own? Rick Hearst and Nancy Lee Grahn deserve to be more than good looking window dressing.
HOW could the writers so totally waste Stephen Macht? I know that expecting this regime to do anything decent is asking far too much of them, but this actor, and his character, are filled with so much potential and yet...nothing.
ALSO, DID YOU KNOW that his son Gabriel Macht is married to Jacinda Barrett of The Real World:
Most Boring Season Ever London? This random factoid has nothing to do with anything and I am sure that we will all promptly forget it within minutes, but I like to reminisce about the days when The Real World didn't make me feel dirty inside.
HOW effortlessly pretty is Laura Wright?
She pulls off a ponytail quite cutely.
IS LULU FOR REAL?
That pout irritates me something fierce.
IS ROBIN'S PPD STORY written and produced by two completely different sets of people? Because some of it is SO genuinely good and completely at odds with the rest of the show. It should go without saying that Kimberly McCullough has been completely heartbreaking and amazing during this story and it's kind of a shame, because GH in no way deserves such a fantastic performance.
The other part of it is what we've come to expect of this show: dumb. How did Robin get lost driving in the town she's lived in since the 80s? Why on earth would she walk through the snow after her accident and not on the main road? Why would she get out of the car at all? Why is this show so unfailingly committed to contrivance and not, like, producing high quality television?
SINCE WHEN is Sam a bad shot?
Isn't being calm and good with a gun her raison d'être?
But I suppose I can forgive this contrivance because it led to some hilarity. Intentional hilarity, even!
1.) Jason's facial expression after being shot was wounded, in more than one sense of the word.
Sam: I could make the shot.
Jason: OBVIOUSLY, you can't.
Sam: You stepped in to the line of fire! It's really not my fault that I shot you.
Epiphany:A blizzard outside. The hospital locked down by the FBI. A deadly poison loose in the air supply. And here I am, bandaging up everyone's favorite hitman, and he won't even tell me how he got shot.
Double ha! That's the Pip I grew to love on Night Shift: 2--bitchy, but in a hilarious way and for all the right reasons. Pip, Pip, hooray!
IF JOHN INGLE IS NOT THE CUTEST EVER, who is?
The adorability is off the charts.
DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY watch the Sonny/Zacchara scenes?
I feel like you should probably be studied for scientific purposes, perhaps with a researcher looking to see exactly how much concentrated stupid (and hamminess) a person can sit through without losing it.
Also, perhaps one of you could answer me this question: why did Sonny have a gun with him even after he changed into scrubs? And, of course, the bigger question: did he really bring a gun with him to Michael's benefit? Is even Sonny that big of a dick?
SERIOUSLY, toxic balls, what the hell?