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« Kane and Able (To Be Bitchy) | Main | It Ain't Me, Babe. It's You. »

February 28, 2009

It's A Guza-Ful Life

A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that Leonardo DiCaprio was my best friend and not only my best friend, but an AWESOME best friend. Details of the dream elude me now (although I feel like Starbucks was somehow involved), but the pain of the realization I had when I woke up and realized that Leonardo DiCaprio is not, in fact, my best friend cut me to the quick.

I felt like that was the world's most tragic dream-related event, but then Tuesday's episode of General Hospital happened and I was reminded once again of the ferocity with which GH fights to earn the title of Worst [Insert Any Category Here, Including "Dream-Related Event", "Non-Sweeps Non-Event", "Wardrobe", "Romantic Hero", "Wig", etc.].

I always wish that GH would use the show's rich history and TECHNICALLY Maxie's dream episode qualifies as wish fulfillment, because it did use the show's history and I never stated that the show had to use the history well, so I guess they beat me this time.

The show may not have convinced me that Maxie living fundamentally altered the future of Port Charles, but it did convince me that the writers' steadfast refusal to make sense also exists in alternate universes, because I was befuddled by so many things in this episode.




I know that the show's budget has been shot to hell, what with the big explosions and fire and all of the insane effects that go with GH ratings stunts, but I don't think that the economic situation could be quite so dire that the only wig they could afford for poor Kirsten Storms is this...thing.


Putting yourself in a position where Tyra Banks could condescendingly mock you for the cheap craziness and crazy cheapness of your wig is unwise.

Did they seriously have an episode about BJ without Tony?

Oh, sorry, technically he did get mentioned a whopping three times, which is more than you can say for Frisco, Felicia and Georgie (I am operating under the assumption that Georgie could have been conceived because Frisco and Felicia had grief sex). I didn't really expect any of them to be on the show, especially since Jack Wagner is on The Bold and the Beautiful and because Lindze Leatherman apparently offends their sensibilities so badly that they killed her off on Christmas, but still! 

Why were Carly and Patrick married? 

I mean, aside from the writers insatiable need to throw Laura Wright and Jason Thompson together in any and all dream episodes.  


Patrick: You know, Carly, I should have seen it coming. You cheated on your first husband with me, and now you're just repeating the pattern.

Carly: At least Tony still wanted me after he put the ring on my finger.

Patrick: Oh, yeah, Tony's a gem. Cheating on Bobbie with you, leaving her high and dry.

Carly: What do you care? What the hell do you care? You got what you wanted.

Patrick: While you took every penny you could from him.

Carly: Yeah, and those pennies funded your career. You know, that thing that you're so obsessed with when you're not tasting every new nurse that walks into the hospital?

Patrick: My God, why the hell did I marry you?

Good question, Patty Cake!

It's actually not even about marrying Carly in particular; I don't see alternate universe Patrick getting married at all. It just didn't make sense to me; for the beginning of Patrick's time on the show, he had two lines of dialogue repeated endlessly about his deadbeat father and his fear of commitment. So why would he get married at all?!

I am going to stop thinking about this now, because I have already put more thought into than the writers did.

Who made the terrible decision to have Maxie do a running commentary on her dream?

I want them fired, because that was awful. I guess it is different enough that GH can say, "See, this isn't exactly like the dream episode we had a couple of months ago", but it was...it was annoying. And I say this as someone who likes Kirsten Storms! Maybe narration is a very specific skill and not all actors are capable of doing it well?

How sad is it that we cannot fully appreciate the brilliance of Kirsten Storms's great WTF? face because of how distractingly thin her arms are?


Was it just me, or was Alternate Reality Lulu very similar to Real Lulu in terms of bitterness, poutiness and general misery and the only difference is that in the alternate reality, people actually called her out on being a terrible person?


That was kind of the best part of the dream for me, if we're being honest.

Spinelli: The chances of any man pursuing you for anything other than carnal relations are slim to none.

Spinelli: Perhaps the bitter one's gratuity would have been greater if she'd actually given me what I ordered.

Mike: Yeah. You know, maybe you should check out those anger management classes that your brother, Lucky, found for you.

Note to GH writers: the audience is not supposed to clap with glee when your young heroine is insulted.

Why would Robin's entire personality have changed because Maxie died?


Robin: Nothing was ever really right after you died. You were so outgoing and talkative, so strong in your opinions. I wish I was more like that. My life seems to be on permanent hold. Being HIV-positive isn't really an excuse. I don't know, maybe Uncle Mac is my excuse. I still live with him. Crazy, right? I wish that you were alive. I think that you could help me figure out what life should be.

Really? Four year old Maxie was so strong in her opinions that she put her teenaged cousin to shame? What kind of opinions would Maxie even have? Strong passionate arguments about Bert vs. Ernie? Not that Robin wouldn't be upset about Maxie dying, but the still grieving sad panda thing seems off to me.

Why is the idea of Patrick being Chief of Staff hilarious to me in any reality?

Who are these people and how on earth did they manage to get in front of the camera?!




Mac, Monica and Bobbie in one episode! This is downright revolutionary.

Of course, Mac is a hopeless drunk and Bobbie got fired from General Hospital, so at least Guza hasn't totally turned over a whole new veteran respecting leaf.

Would Maxie, devoted fashionista that she is, really wear a designer gown out to trudge through the snow to a cemetery?


I think not.


I guess my biggest question is: what the hell was the point of all that? And how does Bob Guza still have a job? But those are questions I ask after every episode of GH...


Thank you Mallory for continuously taking one for the team for watching and commenting on this show. You have saved me from taking medication if I watch this episode so thanks. I wish I could let Jackie Zeman know that she DID NOT have to change her face as she has done. She is so unreconizable to me now and I hate for whatever reason she did that to herself because she truly was aging gracefully without the UNEEDED reconstruction of her face. Oh Yeah, Guza can continue to feast on those DONKEY BALLS that must be so delicious to "inspire" such non writing as he has done to us all so far.

I had the same questions when I watched this cluster eff of an episode. I sort of understand what the writers were trying to do, but they failed miserably at it.

And also, since you brought it up, I was also shocked by how thin Kristen's arms are. I know that all actresses are super skinny these days, but still.

I'll just stop thinking about this episode because trying to find logic in it is twisting my brain to a pretzel.

I protested by refusing to watch this huge WTF on an episode, despite my love for Maxie. From everything I heard about it, I made the right choice.

I suspect reading this entry was far, far, far more entertaining than the actual episode.

Poor Kristen is starting to resemble whichever one of the Olson twins went all Lara Flynn Boyle a while ago. She needs food. Why the wig? Was she supposed to be BJ or something?

I feel so bad for alternate reality Robin being so terrible that her toddler cousin had stronger opinions than she did.

Oh my gosh, what has Jackie Zeman done to herself???? I didn't even recognize her!

I actually enjoyed the Maxi parts, I guess as bad as the episode was it was better than a regular episode. Maxi is such a talented actress even with the shitty writing from Guza, he can't take that away from her.

"What kind of opinions would Maxie even have? Strong passionate arguments about Bert vs. Ernie?"....lmao....drinking water and reading your post was not my brightest idea...lol.

I have to say I found it hard to watch... especially between continuous eye-rolling,but so many episodes of GH are these days it was like nothing new.

I have been anticipating this entry ALL WEEK, and it was absolutely well worth the wait!

This episode's sheer terribleness really pissed me off!! I knew it would happen but I watched it anyway. Why? I couldn't tell you, maybe the good decision making portion of my brain went on vacation. That's the only way I can explain consciously choosing to watch GH.

Anyway I need to vent so I made a list of the top ten things, in no particular order, that annoyed me about this episode:
1.Maxie's voiceovers-the lines were awful, the editing was awful, and it gave me a headache
2.That horrendous red wig-not only was it horrible but BJ wasn't a redhead she was a brunette
3.Tony still left Bobbie for Carly and married her(ewwww!)-WTF?! wasn't the only explanation for their relationship that he was crazy with grief over BJ
4.BJ and Matt made me think of diabetic coma inducing Shelle-I was seriously waiting for one of them to mention day of the week underwear
5.Patrick married Carly-again ewww and WTF?!
6.Absolutely no mention of Frisco, Felicia, or Lucas
7.a few relationship flubs-Lulu saying she met Maxie except she wasn't born yet, Mac saying Maxie was his stepdaughter but he and Felicia didn't get married until 1999
8.the heart healthy PSAs in the middle of the episode-they're just annoying and dumb
9.SORASing on soap operas-I know this is a general issue but Maxie's tombstone reminded me of it
10.Bobbie got layed off-If I were her I'd go smack Guza upside the head for this one. Why doesn't the GH writing staff just make Jackie Zeman a shirt that says "The GH writers HATE me" and be done with it.

In all fairness there was one thing about this episode that I really enjoyed...absolutely no mention of Sonny or Jason. I think that's the first time this has happened in a decade.

Heh. Seems like everyone had the same take on this could have been good but really actually sucked episode. Right down to Kristen Storms' painfully thin arms.

I did not get any part of that dream. I only watched like 5min and then said to myself WTF? and then turned off the TV. Glad I did cause from what u guys just wrote, me turning the TV off was the best thing for me to do for my sanity. I watched when poor BJ died, and although I was only a teenager, it was one of the strongest saddest stories I ever saw. And what sense does it make that Robin would stop well being herself just cause Maxie died? IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!! Robin is a surviver and would not give up on life like that, EVER. WHY WOULD PATRICK MARRY ANYONE, LET ALONE CARLY? I will never, ever, ever, understand Y EvilGuza still has a job. EVER.

All I have to say is, RIGHT ON, SISTER!!! I hate Bob Guza for what he has done to L&L- AND for destroying what was once an Emmy award winning show- and well deserving of it. Some people say don't blame him, and I know that he is not the ONLY problem- but the writing on this show is so horrible it boggles my mind how anyone is actually still watching.

Mallory, you got every complaint that I had about this episode. Nothing made any sense. Why would Robin turn into a meek woman because Maxie died? Why would Mac turn into a drunk because Maxie died? Why on earth would Patrick marry Carly?

I simply do not understand Guza's mind. His vision of GH is a big WTF. I can only conclude that either he does not care about the stories that he tells or he thinks that they are great. It is craziness. It is on me for watching, but I'm beginning to drift away again.

Mallory, I'm so glad you caught the one thing that really left me thinking WTF? Sad sack Robin is looking at the grave stone indicating Maxie was born in 1990 and died in 1994 and lamenting her death by saying,"You always had such strong opinions." Huh? Did she throw fits over her toddler dinners? Refuse to go potty? What opinions was she talking about?

where to begin. ill start with the good i really liked lulu and spinelli in this. they were more toned down and cynical and i liked it. how this A/R doesnt make sense let me count the ways. first of all why wouyld tony marry carly if bj didnt die? he ddnt marry her orig so why would be if maxie died? why would carly have met and married patrick before he was even in med school? why would she even pay for his school? in orig GH it was already payed for and i was under the inpression his dad was really rich hence him on NS thanking him for the freaking porshe on this graduation day! im with u i dont get the writers hard on for patrick and carly being pired, i know they are only 7 yrs apart in real life but for some reason he looks too young for carly. anyway my last words "maxie eat something!"

Amen Mallory. And Cate, I loved your reply. Lulu saying she met BJ even though she wasn't alive yet? Seriously, we are expected to buy this crap? Or the cheap hideous wig in red on KS as BJ as a nod to her mother Bobbie? BOBBIE WAS HER STEPMOM, Tania had brown hair!!! And now that Bobbie has gone goth like Sarah Brown why bother copying a hair color at all?

Some other shocking and stupid aspects of this nightmare.

1. Spinelli was less annoying and his speech was vastly improved w/out all his ticks and quirks. A tiny respite from the whole vile stupid episode. Yet we are supposed to buy that doing illegal hacking for Johnny has made him sullen, negative, depressed, and soulless. While doing the same shit for Jason makes him giddy and heroic? HUH?

2. Did anyone else want Lulu to agree become a stripper for Johnny's sleazy club where on OG GH Sonny turned Karen into a pill addicted whore? Is this really what soap fans are supposed to want for their most beloved legacy characters like Lulu Freaking Spencer? Really? How uplifting and entertaining.

3. With the huge list of things Guza, Phelps, and the gang cannot seem to get right or do at all with this once great show, how is it that at every opportunity they can do all of the following with painful regularity and precision??????

--Destroy and make unrecognizable the once amazing Robin Scorpio. No hold barred, they are determined to ruin her at all costs no matter what.--

--Pair Patrick and Carly together like they were the worlds most powerful magnets.--

--Destroy, kill, humiliate, hide, or make ghosts of all the legendary veteran characters. They actually FIRED Bobbie on air and she hasn't even been on screen in maybe a year. Forshadowing with the heaviest of hands once again. JZ, keep a box in your trunk, your real pink slip is soon to arrive and I doubt they will let you back on the lot to clean out your dressing room after your last day.--

--With complete access to tape archives, old writers, and the cast and crew all at their fingertips for free, this gang of idiots in charge of GH cannot seem to get any history correct at all no matter how old or how recent.--

And KS is again sadly way too thin. Why do they have to dress her in sleeveless, strapless, tiny tight, and revealing clothes when she is so malnourished and hard to watch. Give her a jacket or sweater, she must be cold. I adore her KS, and I hope she is getting help and will be alright very soon.

Seriously Guza, what a way to trash one of the best storylines ever on GH. The best part of the episode, besides JT "hotly" dressed in a suit was his line to Carly "Having kids with you would be like giving kids to a boa constrictor". It's about time someone gave it to Carly. If anyone wants to see how great this storyline was check out this clip on you tube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zX7IswtuTas

Bobbie is still on the show???

And wow. Her face. I think I just turned to stone.

Thanks for the post Mallory! Much better then the actual show. It's such a shame that Guza and Co aren't interested in logical storytelling that makes even a little bit of sense! The only 2 things this episode was good for were putting Monica and Bobbie in a scene together on my screen and that it was terrible and insulting enough to finally give me the push I needed to delete this show off my DVR for awhile. I have never stopped watching GH since I started watching it religiously about 17 years ago in the 4th grade - but that's it I'm done. Call me when Guza and/or Frons are gone and maybe I'll come back. I never knew how freeing hitting delete could feel - lol!

Well, at least we know the props room will have a crappy red wig to put on a mop handle for those scenes they'll do to rewrite history of how Ethan was conceived.

This episode made me so pissed off that I had to rant and rave in the "annoying" post a couple days ago because I would have had a stroke if I had to wait until now, and I'm somewhat exhausted from that.

But amen to what all of you have said. If BJ had lived, apparently she and Matt would have been the only people in town who were not bitter or loser-y shades of their non-dream current selves. Mallory, I do have to disagree about Lulu. She was not nearly as whiny but rather bitter and crotchy, but I agree with you that it was totally gratifying to see her getting called out by everyone in town.

I remember Tania and BJ as being dirty blonds, not brunettes as a couple of you mentioned, but either way, unless BJ fell into a vat of red hair dye and let the GH hair crew lose on her locks, she would NOT have had hair anything like that... whatever that was.

And ditto on the history being so completely and royally fucked. Felicia and Mac started dating in late summer, 1993, and BJ died in April of 1994. So if Maxie had died, she would have lived with Mac and Robin for a matter of mere months. So even if Mac had turned into an alcoholic, are we really to believe that Robin would have turned into a totally different person because of it? And what was supposed to have happened to Felicia? And Frisco? And why would Tony have turned on Bobbie if BJ had lived? Wasn't it her death that pulled them apart for good? Yet we are to believe he would not only have cheated on Bobbie with Carly anyway, but MARRIED HER, too? And thanks to those of you who pointed out that Lulu wouldn't even have met BJ, because I missed that, and it is one of the few things that made me lol about this episode.

All of the butchering of historical fact aside, Maxie talking to characters every 10 seconds while weirdly looking into the camera was absolutely bizarre and made me want to throw my tv in the river even MORE than the butchering of said history, which is saying one hell of a lot about how effing annoyed I was.

What would have been totally terrific is if they had various characters who knew both BJ and Maxie flashing back to the death and transplant, then imagining how their lives might have been different if BJ had lived and Maxie had died. Then they could have made use of the fantastic original clips, honored the REAL history of the storyline, and utilized the few vets they still have on their cast. If they had spent more time than what it took to find a bad red wig planning this episode, they could even have brought the actors who played Felicia, Sean, Tiffany, and Tony back to film a few "alternate reality" scenes. But that would have shown too much respect to long-time viewers and wouldn't have fed Guza's narcissism and hatred of this show's amazing history. I've said it before, and it bears repeating. Eat a bag of ass, Bob Guza.

Please, please fire these idiots who are destroying this show, and bring someone in who will respect legacy characters. They are hell bent on destroying Robin Scorpio. They've officially ruined just about everyone else now, or killed them off.

Make it stop.

To everything you wrote in this post Mallory, word!

You are fantastic. Thanks for putting all my thoughts into words.

Yes, this was one of the most bizarre GH episodes in a very long time. This was supposed to be a homage to B.J.? All I got from it is that everyone's lives sucked because Maxie died. When did Maxie become this important to all of PC? And to make it worse were those annoying cut ins of Maxie giving her commentary. Who thought this was a good idea?

I can't believe I am saying this but I think the best part of the show was Lulu. Yeah, she was bitter and snarky, but completely believable and even a bit entertaining. Rock On, bitter Lulu!

I agree that the narration was terrible! I thought it was awesome how Carly came onto Johnny and he just put her down. Yeah, Robin being all diff coz of 4yr old maxie dying .. cmon! And they kept maxie's original birth yr 1990, which would make her 18 now, which she MOST CERTAINLY is not since she's been sorased, so it wouldve been so much better to change her birthdate and make her older and then what robin said could possibly have made sense!! and obvious lack of georgie in the ep. grrr lame lame lame

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