It's A Guza-Ful Life
A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that Leonardo DiCaprio was my best friend and not only my best friend, but an AWESOME best friend. Details of the dream elude me now (although I feel like Starbucks was somehow involved), but the pain of the realization I had when I woke up and realized that Leonardo DiCaprio is not, in fact, my best friend cut me to the quick.
I felt like that was the world's most tragic dream-related event, but then Tuesday's episode of General Hospital happened and I was reminded once again of the ferocity with which GH fights to earn the title of Worst [Insert Any Category Here, Including "Dream-Related Event", "Non-Sweeps Non-Event", "Wardrobe", "Romantic Hero", "Wig", etc.].
I always wish that GH would use the show's rich history and TECHNICALLY Maxie's dream episode qualifies as wish fulfillment, because it did use the show's history and I never stated that the show had to use the history well, so I guess they beat me this time.
The show may not have convinced me that Maxie living fundamentally altered the future of Port Charles, but it did convince me that the writers' steadfast refusal to make sense also exists in alternate universes, because I was befuddled by so many things in this episode.
I know that the show's budget has been shot to hell, what with the big explosions and fire and all of the insane effects that go with GH ratings stunts, but I don't think that the economic situation could be quite so dire that the only wig they could afford for poor Kirsten Storms is this...thing.
Putting yourself in a position where Tyra Banks could condescendingly mock you for the cheap craziness and crazy cheapness of your wig is unwise.
Did they seriously have an episode about BJ without Tony?
Oh, sorry, technically he did get mentioned a whopping three times, which is more than you can say for Frisco, Felicia and Georgie (I am operating under the assumption that Georgie could have been conceived because Frisco and Felicia had grief sex). I didn't really expect any of them to be on the show, especially since Jack Wagner is on The Bold and the Beautiful and because Lindze Leatherman apparently offends their sensibilities so badly that they killed her off on Christmas, but still!
Why were Carly and Patrick married?
I mean, aside from the writers insatiable need to throw Laura Wright and Jason Thompson together in any and all dream episodes.
Patrick: You know, Carly, I should have seen it coming. You cheated on your first husband with me, and now you're just repeating the pattern.
Carly: At least Tony still wanted me after he put the ring on my finger.
Patrick: Oh, yeah, Tony's a gem. Cheating on Bobbie with you, leaving her high and dry.
Carly: What do you care? What the hell do you care? You got what you wanted.
Patrick: While you took every penny you could from him.
Carly: Yeah, and those pennies funded your career. You know, that thing that you're so obsessed with when you're not tasting every new nurse that walks into the hospital?
Patrick: My God, why the hell did I marry you?
Good question, Patty Cake!
It's actually not even about marrying Carly in particular; I don't see alternate universe Patrick getting married at all. It just didn't make sense to me; for the beginning of Patrick's time on the show, he had two lines of dialogue repeated endlessly about his deadbeat father and his fear of commitment. So why would he get married at all?!
I am going to stop thinking about this now, because I have already put more thought into than the writers did.
Who made the terrible decision to have Maxie do a running commentary on her dream?
I want them fired, because that was awful. I guess it is different enough that GH can say, "See, this isn't exactly like the dream episode we had a couple of months ago", but it was...it was annoying. And I say this as someone who likes Kirsten Storms! Maybe narration is a very specific skill and not all actors are capable of doing it well?
How sad is it that we cannot fully appreciate the brilliance of Kirsten Storms's great WTF? face because of how distractingly thin her arms are?
Was it just me, or was Alternate Reality Lulu very similar to Real Lulu in terms of bitterness, poutiness and general misery and the only difference is that in the alternate reality, people actually called her out on being a terrible person?
That was kind of the best part of the dream for me, if we're being honest.
Spinelli: The chances of any man pursuing you for anything other than carnal relations are slim to none.
Spinelli: Perhaps the bitter one's gratuity would have been greater if she'd actually given me what I ordered.
Mike: Yeah. You know, maybe you should check out those anger management classes that your brother, Lucky, found for you.
Note to GH writers: the audience is not supposed to clap with glee when your young heroine is insulted.
Why would Robin's entire personality have changed because Maxie died?
Robin: Nothing was ever really right after you died. You were so outgoing and talkative, so strong in your opinions. I wish I was more like that. My life seems to be on permanent hold. Being HIV-positive isn't really an excuse. I don't know, maybe Uncle Mac is my excuse. I still live with him. Crazy, right? I wish that you were alive. I think that you could help me figure out what life should be.
Really? Four year old Maxie was so strong in her opinions that she put her teenaged cousin to shame? What kind of opinions would Maxie even have? Strong passionate arguments about Bert vs. Ernie? Not that Robin wouldn't be upset about Maxie dying, but the still grieving sad panda thing seems off to me.
Why is the idea of Patrick being Chief of Staff hilarious to me in any reality?
Who are these people and how on earth did they manage to get in front of the camera?!
Mac, Monica and Bobbie in one episode! This is downright revolutionary.
Of course, Mac is a hopeless drunk and Bobbie got fired from General Hospital, so at least Guza hasn't totally turned over a whole new veteran respecting leaf.
Would Maxie, devoted fashionista that she is, really wear a designer gown out to trudge through the snow to a cemetery?
I think not.
I guess my biggest question is: what the hell was the point of all that? And how does Bob Guza still have a job? But those are questions I ask after every episode of GH...