Kane and Able (To Be Bitchy)
I have a feeling that Charles Pratt realized that he's never going to be the best head writer in All My Children history and, desiring a legacy of some sort, decided to set his sights on being the show's last head writer.
At least once per episode, something happens, whether it's an insane line of dialogue, the implosion of a previously stable relationship or a ludicrous plot twist, and I'm like, "This is seriously the worst thing I've seen on this show in a long time."
Except it's NOT actually a long time; it's more like five minutes (if I'm feeling generous) between each instance of heinousness.
For someone who seems to have insane boundary issues when it comes to her brother-in-law and sister-in-law and a clingy, unhealthy idea of what it means to be a family, Reese sure didn't seem conflicted when it came time to the tough decision of following Bianca back to Paris in hopes of reuniting with her or hanging out in Pine Valley being despised by literally every person who lives there. Her dramatic farewell to Gabrielle had me rolling my eyes so hard that I may have actually sprained them.
Reese: Well, yes. Hello. How are you? Hey, my little angel. Hey, I love you. I love you more than my own life. Yes, I do. And I will always love you. There will always be a piece of you in my heart.
"So I'm just going to love you here, from Pennsylvania, where I have no family, no friends and your aunt plotting my demise every time she lays eyes on me. I love you more than my own life, but I don't love you enough to leave town and follow you! I'm going to miss you so much!"
Her attempts at explaining her choice to stay in Pine Valley were about as half-assed as half-assed can be.
Kendall: Why are you here?
Reese: I -- I came with Adam [Which was a whole different kind of fuckery in and of itself. Why has thou forsaken me, Adam?--Ed.].
Kendall: No, why are you still in Pine Valley? Everyone assumed you would leave.
Reese: Well, then, everyone assumed wrong. I have responsibilities here, I have my contracts, I have building projects, and I can't just walk away from that.
"Life may have proceeded all well and good before I came to town a couple of months ago and got a job because I was engaged to the boss's sister-in-law, but everything would literally crumble if I left. Literally."
And then when Zach dismissed her clingy ass, she had the nerve to get all smug and bitchy!
Zach: Kendall's been through a lot. She doesn't need you breathing down her neck. You understand that.
Reese: Yeah, and you should understand this has nothing to do with either of you. I'm staying for me. Live with it, both of you.
OMFG, is this bitch for real? "I'm staying for me?" She's completely okay with her wife leaving her, her daughters being taken away, being the object of scorn and ridicule, just because...she wants to, and if we don't like it, neener neener?
Also, I AM SO SURE that Pine Valley is so great that a person would lose everything in her life and still refuse to leave. As soon as I laid eyes on Ryan and Krystal, I'd be hightailing it out there faster than you could say "I'm a poorly written plot device".
And when she picked up an unattended glass today and started drinking? WHO DOES THAT? It's like the writers said, "Let's create a character who acts completely the opposite of a functioning human being". And then that led to her spilling the beans to Adam about Kendall driving when Greenlee flew off the road, because why not have her involved in stories that were going just...well, not fine, because the story was awful, but, you know, it was going on without her. UGH.
It's especially disappointing, because I LIKE Tamara Braun. If I saw her out and about, I would buy her coffee and we could sit and talk about the insanity that is this character. In a recent issue of Soap Opera Digest, she had an interview and talked at length about how much she wanted to marry Jesse Hubbard when she was little but didn't want to have to steal him from Angie and I thought that was the cutest thing ever and I wished that I didn't hate her character with a ferocity that makes Sonny Corinthos look stable.
Ryan continues to exhibit absolutely no sense and yell loudly and angrily about everything.
Ryan: It was nobody's fault? It was an act of God? Ok, Jack, you keep telling yourself that. All of you can keep telling yourself that, but don't insult my intelligence, because I know better. And honestly, you should, too.
"You know that I'm God, and this was not an act of me".
And when he confronted Zach, something that happens all too frequently and all too unintentionally hilariously:
Ryan: You have lots of times there, because the odds are Gabby will be alive for you to see her.
Um...that is freaking morbid, for starters, and while odds are high that Gabby will survive until adulthood, there is an almost 100% chance that she will be either maimed or kidnapped before that, because this is Pine Valley after all.
I am bored, and my ears hurt, so I am just about ready for Ryan to discover the next love of his life and move on. Unless he rediscovers that the love of his life is Kendall...which seems increasingly likely...so maybe I should just suck it up and be okay with his grieving. His very loud, very unstable grieving.
What I will not be okay with is the continued Babe mourning. The skank has been dead since October, so why are we still eulogizing her? These are a handful of quotes from this week about her awesomeness:
JR: She was just so happy. She just, like, shimmered
Adam: You've saddled yourself with a gold-digging schemer. Is that how you honor your late wife?
Yes, if by "honor", you mean "replicate that relationship exactly"...
JR: Babe was a remarkable woman
STOP IT, ALL OF YOU, JUST STOP.
David: Yes, i have. It's good to see you again. You know, I can't help but feel as if I've seen you somewhere before. Were you an actress, by any chance?
Does David recognize Randi from her porn? Because TMI, show. TMI.
Kendall has opted to deal with the horrific ways she was betrayed by pretty much everyone she knows by being a stone cold bitch, which I think is genius, because it's what no one expects from her.
Erica: Well, why don't you have Kendall show you, um, where the suitcases that she packed up with Gabrielle's things in it?
Kendall: I didn't pack her suitcase. I had Rachael do it. Bianca can't miss it. It's sitting right out--
I loved how quickly she was like, "Hell no, I had nothing to do with touching that spawn's stuff".
Bianca: Things have changed. Do you think you'll ever forgive me?
Kendall: Probably, but not anytime soon.
Bianca: But it's not out of the question?
Kendall: Out of the question, no.
Bianca: I want us to be as close as we were. I'm going to be hoping for that. And I'll be hoping for you and Zach, too. He loves you more than anything --
Kendall: I think I hear Ian.
And also, Binks, "Things have changed"? Understatement, although I guess it has a better ring to it than "You hate me because I had your husband's baby behind your back, ostensibly because I wanted the baby to have the same genes as her sister, so both of my daughters are fathered by Cambias men, a family marked by rape and serial murder but that's besides the point".
Zach is decidedly less amused than I am about the new steely bitchy Kendall, though:
Kendall: Sorry. Was I boring you?
Zach: Oh, man, you know what I'm not going to do, Kendall? I'm not going to small-talk with you about mattresses or margarine or anything like that. We're going to talk about not sleeping in the same bed together. We're going to deal with reality.
Kendall: Reality. You want reality?
Kendall: Ok. My brother is dead. I will never see him again. The heart that I have was his. My husband and my sister also made a baby together and kept it a secret from me.
Zach: Can you do me a favor? Can you make this not sound like a grocery list?
Um...maybe it's just me and maybe I am just a little more careful around heart transplant survivors than others, but...really, Zach? With the attitude? What if Josh's heart just gives out? Or what if she loses her steely cool and stabs you? Do you want that to happen?! Dial it back a notch or six.
Kendall: Zach, i know you miss Gabrielle, but I'm sure if you give it time, eventually --
Zach: That I could just what? Get over it? You think it's that easy.
Kendall: None of this has been easy.
Zach: Well, then, stop being so glib about it. Whether you like it or not, and i know you don't, she's my daughter. That's not going to change.
Glib? What the hell, are you Tom Cruise? PUT YOUR MANNERS BACK IN, ZACH.
Like she's so irrational for being unhappy about Gabrielle's parentage. Like she's making a mountain out of a molehill and people just donate sperm to their sisters-in-law and keep it a secret all the time, like it's nothing and ohmigod Kendall, can't you just get over it? It's no big!
And yes, Kendall is also sometimes childish in addition to being cold, what with purposely leaving Zach out of her speech today (and also leaving out JOSH'S name, what the hell? Are we just pretending he never existed? Did I Dream of Jeannie just blink this heart into existence for her?), but, I don't know, maybe I have my I Heart Kendall blinders on, because I feel like she's totally justified in any rage, pettiness or general misery that she wants to spread! The changes that happened before and during her coma weren't just small changes, her life was COMPLETELY ALTERED and everybody is making her out to be the villain for not sucking it up and adapting quick enough.
Zach: I will always think about her, think whether she's healthy or not, or she's growing or not, whether she's happy or not, what her voice sounds like, what her laugh sounds like, and how beautiful she is. I'm always going to think about that. I know i wasn't supposed to get involved and get attached. But it didn't work out that way. And even now, when she's thousands of miles away, i will always think about her. She'll be right here with me.
Kendall: Well, if you miss her so much, maybe you should go to her. Better yet, find Reese, and take her with you.
Zach: Oh, god. Do you ever listen to anything I say? No, right?
Look, anyone with one functioning brain cell would have known that Zach would get attached to Gabrielle and couldn't just be the donor, so it doesn't say anything for Zach, Reese and Bianca that they didn't think of that sooner. And is Bianca taking the girls to a cave? Will he really never see Gabrielle again and always wonder if she's growing (? Or what, stunted?), happy, and what she looks like? Can Bianca not email pictures?
His scene saying goodbye to Gabrielle was even more painful to watch than Reese's:
Zach: Hello, beautiful. You're always going to be beautiful, aren't you? Boys are going to fall all over themselves. Well, wherever they fall, that's where you'll leave them. All right? Just keep moving. Stop only for the ones that look you in the eye. Don't be sad. We'll pick a hockey team. Huh? Don't even have to pick the Red Wings. Stay in the Western Conference, if you'd like. It's more fun if we disagree. I'm sure we will. Ok.
Gabrielle better grow up to be the most amazing character to hit this show since Erica to justify how many characters and relationships were trashed for her to be born. Who am I kidding, AMC won't be on long enough to see her grow up.
Although if the quality continues to stay at this level, that may not be a bad thing, because I don't know how much more crap I can take. I hate this show, is what I'm saying.