Serial Drama

Ultra Satisfying

It's exceedingly rare that there's anything on All My Children to celebrate, let alone three things worthy of celebration, but yesterday's episode was filled with bon mots, truth-telling and passionate declarations that can only be described as righteous.

AIDAN VS. RYAN

Despite the fact that Greenlee's dive off of a cliff was clearly an accident and not nefarious murder, I am enjoying everybody's hysterical assertions that Zach and/or Ryan killed her, if only because it puts to rest the notion that only women can be drama queens.

Aidan, who I once described as foxy yet pointless, has come a long way since his days as dull scenery and his commitment to knocking down Sir Ryan Lavery is commendable and entertaining. 

Aidan: You kept on it, didn't you? You kept pushing and pushing and pushing until she finally gave in. Did you give her the perfect future that you promised her? No, you didn't, did you -- because she has no future now, because you killed her.

Melodramatic rage is at its best when directed at Ryan.

Aidan: Oh, nothing's ever your fault because you're always such the perfect hero, aren't you, Ryan? Well, the truth is you ruin everything you touch. First, Gillian, then Annie, and now, Greenlee.

!!!!!

Oh, Aidan! Way to make me swoon! Brutal, succinct and pure truth.

Geek Chic

The fact that somebody thought to themselves, "You know what would be awesome? GIRL SPINELLI. High five!" and not only made that happen, but collected a paycheck for it, fills me with sadness at the state of our world. It also makes me a little jealous, to be honest. Why don't I get paid for having terrible ideas? I am so in the wrong line of work.

It's like, I look back on the weeks that I spent complaining about Nadine and her plow patent, and I want to smack my former self for not realizing how good she had it! I would gladly take Nadine's hammy facial expressions and limitless social awkwardness over Winifred.  

Winifred: Well, Mr. Jackal will be most distressedd if something happened to you.

Winifred: While i would not object to you facing a fiery doom, Mr. Jackal would mind very much. So, on his behalf, I am going to remind you that the Jackal canbe resourceful, and keeping that in mind, I'm advising you to stay here where it will be safe.

Because I was unwilling to accept the notion that more than one person in the GH universe uses Spinelli-speak--which, may I remind you, is one of the most irritating, overdone and RIDICULOUS things on General Hospital and when something stands out on General Hospital for being irritating, overdone and ridiculous, that says a lot, and none of it good--I assumed that Winifred adopted it solely for the purpose of getting close to him and then hand him over to the FBI? Why is she still using it now? Why are two human beings on this show using it at all? Is it just to drive the audience crazy? Because I feel like it's unwise to purposely drive the three dozen people still watching to quit in a fit of anger.

And we are expected to believe that this woman spends her workday amongst law enforcement agents carrying weapons and not one of them has felt compelled to shoot her? Not buying it, sorry.

Speaking of Spinelli...I'd like to call for an end to soliloquies describing how he's the greatest person to ever walk the earth:

Maxie: I don't get it either, but Spinelli is the sweetest, most generous person I've ever met and he's really, really smart.

Winifred: He's a genius.

Maxie: You think? It's not just all the cyber stuff, though. Spinelli knows everything about everything. He knows about music and art and opera. I bet he's read every book that's ever been written. And he's not just a genius with numbers. He would give anything to anybody.

I mean, really, that sort of praise should be reserved for Jason and Jason only.

Confrontations & Contrivance

I'd like to start out by thanking my local ABC affiliate for interrupting today's episode of All My Childrento bring us the Alex Rodriguez press conference right at the end of the episode, meaning that I had to tune in on SOAPNet to catch the final scenes, including one immortal line of dialogue that I want to watch on an endless loop. Thank you for that, ABC. Why couldn't you have cut in during one of the interminable scenes wherein Ryan was grieving?! The world's collective respect for Cameron Mathison wouldn't have plummeted if you had done that.

In the wake of Greenlee diving off of a cliff, I am left with several questions (Much like the latest non-sweeps non-crisis on General Hospitalhas me so confused that I can't finish a question without interrupting myself with a new one, I spend most of AMC boggled. What does it say about me that I can't follow soap opera plots? Nothing good, that's for sure):

• Why, when the writers need to write someone in Greenlee's circle off the show do they automatically think FALL OFF OF A CLIFF? Leo, Vanessa, Ryan (regrettably, that one didn't take) and now Greenlee herself. It's bizarre, lazy, unrealistic and...yeah, completely up AMC's alley.
• Does anyone else desperately miss Leo and Vanessa? Do you know what I'd give to have one or both of them back on canvas? A whole lot. I know that Josh Duhamel will never return, sadly (GREENLEO4EVA<3333), but...how awesome would it be? You don't need to answer that, we all know the answer is "very. Very awesome".
• Why is Kendall back in Pine Valley? I have been to Connecticut before and I know for a fact that they have hospitals there, so...
• Why the hell would Reese go back to Pine Valley with Zach and not stay with her new wife? "Because continuity and logic have no place on this show" and "because she's lame, clingy and a moron" are the obvious answers, I know, but still, it defies reason, it was so contrived.

But those are not my only questions...

Daddies and Daughters and Drama, Oh My

So little of the circumstances leading up to the delivery of Chloe's baby made sense. Like, why, exactly, did Chloe go up to the cabin in the first place? And why is Sharon stealing things? That may not have anything to do with the question I asked, but it is weighing heavily on my mind.

But I got over the myriad plot contrivances that got Chloe to the cabin really quickly because everything that happened thereafter was really good soap.

• Billy unburdening himself and telling Lily the truth about his past with Chloe? Good soap.

Lily: (Sighs) Oh, gosh, I knew it. I knew it. You guys don't act like people who just met. You had this weird funny way of how you treat each other. I mean, is that what this is about? Because yeah, you should've told me, but I mean, it's not earth-shattering news.

Billy: It is, Lily. It is, actually.

Lily: Okay, how?

Billy: You know that baby that Chloe's carrying? It's not Cane's, it's mine.

I am biased, because I could watch Billy Miller...there is no way for me to end that sentence without seeming incredibly dirty, so I will just move on.

• Chloe showing up bizarrely for no reason and her water breaking almost immediately? Stupid, but good soap!

I did not, however, have to see a closeup of said water breaking.

There are some things that I am fine just imagining and that is one of them...

• Lily not having one moment of comprehension or dumbfounded shock, but immediately going on the warpath? ...not good soap, actually. There should have at least been a few scenes of this information sinking him and the enormity of the entire scenario hitting her before she started to yell. I never thought I'd miss the days when soaps took eight months to move stories forward, but I am so over this rushed pacing.

Lily: Shut up! God, your voice! Your lies! You are disgusting! And Cane married you! He loved me, but he gave me up so that he could be a father! That is why my ring is on your finger! And you are living in my house! And it's not even Cane's baby! It never was. And he was so scared that you would take the baby away that he gave up everything! And I saw his eyes-- how much he was hurting. Watching me pull away! Oh, my God! I told him I was moving on. Oh, my God! For you! For you! As if you are anything compared to him! You destroyed his life and he doesn't even know! You two make me sick and you deserve each other!

It was so over-the-top and hysterical, and it sounded like it was written by a very emotional teenage girl. Having been a very emotional teenage girl, I recognize my kind, the kind who liberally uses the phrase "Oh my God" and screeches. I also did the angry Lily hands during most of my teenage years.

• Cane's flashbacks of Lily leading to an epiphany about how he needs her? Absurdly cheesy, but good soap!

• Chloe being a snarky bitch even during childbirth? Hilariously good soap.

Chloe: Stop making goo-goo eyes at her and go already! I'm about to have a baby!

Chloe: Do you think that we could talk about this later? I'm about to drop a bowling ball here.

Billy: Women in labor suck on ice chips in movies.

Chloe: You suck on it.

• Lily getting her bitch on in a massive, amazing way? Good soap.

Lily: Oh, God. Desperate? You wanna see desperation? Try looking in the mirror, Kate Valentine. Housekeeper's daughter scheming to get knocked up by a Chancellor. And then you decide you want my Chancellor because Billy won't marry you. You know what? It all makes sense now. The reason why Cane could never remember having sex with you was because it never happened! You just stormed into our lives and destroyed everything! We were supposed to get married and you just ruined that for no reason!

I LOVED it. It was below-the-belt and vicious in a lot of ways, but Chloe completely had it coming. And I have to say, Lily with her claws out is the kind of Lily that I could get behind.

• Lily having to talk Billy and Chloe through the labor over the phone? Awesomely ridiculous and good soap!

• Cane showing up and meeting the girl he thinks is his daughter? Good soap.

• Chloe going into distress? It would be morbid to say good soap, wouldn't it?

What strikes me the most is that none of this is ground-breaking material; it's all been done before, numerous times, from labor in a cabin in bad weather, to the father assisting in childbirth. It's downright formulaic, actually, but I loved it, with hardly any reservations based, I think, mostly on the strength of these particular characters and these particular actors. I normally despise quads and rail against stories that have been overdone to the point of predictability, but I love watching Billy, Lily, Chloe and Cane play off of one another. Either I am really hard up for entertainment and am finding quality in things that don't deserve it OR this story is actually good, for real.

Equal Opportunity Offenders

Friday's episode of All My Children was pretty inspiring, no? What a stand the producers took, affirming their commitment to equality and noting that lesbians, too, can have poorly written, doomed marriages! I got goosebumps.

Yes, daytime's first lesbian wedding happened on Friday the 13th (!!!) and lucky audiences got to see a legacy character marry a chick who, hours before the wedding, made out with her bride-to-be's brother-in-law and dreamed about marrying said bride-to-be's brother-in-law. It was about as romantic and life-affirming as, well, Friday the 13th.

Remember when Julie Hanan Carruthers complained about the stupid audience misinterpreting her show's great romance, saying, "[Reese] is not considering [leaving Bianca for a man]. That’s the audience rewriting what’s there. It’s not being written that way at all. Reese has never wavered in what she wants"?

Please watch the start of Friday's episode, starting at 0:47.

Either JHC doesn't watch the show, or she's a lying liar who lies, although it's possible that she's both. While I have many theories, the only hard fact I have gleaned from this is that JHC is a liar who liberally uses condescending bitchiness.

I am, as is my wont, completely disappointed with AMC. Because I loved Bianca for a long time and wanted her to be happy and marry an amazing woman. But then she had to go ahead and have Zach's baby, betraying a handful of people in the process, and marry Reese, who is about as amazing as a broken bone. I also would have liked, you know, the first lesbian wedding on daytime to not be a complete fucking joke, so my wishes are just being shot down left and right.

I Guess Unintentional Entertainment Is Better Than No Entertainment...

Last week, I was ready to declare Emma In The Tree the cheesiest, most embarrassing soap moment of 2009, even though we're not even two full months into the year, because, hello, what could possibly top a child being stuffed in a tree for safe keeping?

A hysterical bride, veil and all, on a motorcycle flying straight off the road just might. It just might.

 

 

And to think, people make fun of this high-quality genre of television!

poll by twiigs.com

The Crap Heard Round the World

Yesterday, when Bianca stormed out of her hotel room to go confront Kendall about attending her sham wedding, Reese had this look of abject terror, pain and despair on her face that was kind of amazing:

Far be it from me to ever admit to having any sort of kinship with Reese the Great, but I have to say that her face is exactly what my soul looks like when I watch this show.

But in the spirit of the Valentine's season, I will say this for All My Children: it's very rarely boring these days.

Granted, this is because the writers have, for some reason, opted for gut-churningly bad, rather than run of the mill dull but, hey, a compliment's a compliment.

Guza's March To the Sea

Now when we say that Guza torched the hell out of General Hospital, it works on a factual level as well as a metaphorical one.

This non-sweeps stunt stands out even amongst prior stunts for the sheer laziness of the writing (reminder: prior stunts include "Masked Men Take Over the Metro Court Before Jason Saves The Day", and "A Strangler Terrorizes The Black and White Ball Before Jason Saves The Day"), I assume because Bob Guza was all, "Right, right, plot, continuity, yeah, we'll get to that. Tell me...when do we get to blow stuff up?"

Is it just me? Or does so much of what we are seeing not make any sense? It's like I have two possible reactions to this show: blistering rage or slack-jawed confusion. I will admit, in fairness to the GH powers-that-be, that some of my confusion is due to paralyzing boredom that glazes my eyes over during certain scenes and renders my comprehension useless. But the rest of the questions I continue to have are the direct result of the GH writers half-assing the entire non-event.

I Literally Do Not Understand What These Words Mean

Not to be completely fifth grade, but...is it opposite day? Because Time Out New York did an article about Reese and Bianca's farce of a wedding complete with gushing quotes from Eden Riegel and Julie Hannan Carruthers and there is just a staggering disconnect between their words and, like, real life.

“I was like, lesbian wedding? Sign me up!” she says. “Given that this is a big issue right now, I wanted to show people a healthy same-sex relationship.”

Yes! I, too, would like to see a healthy same-sex relationship. Please let me know which television program is currently featuring one and I will make sure to tune in.

The actress, who recently got married to a man in real life, says that All My Children wooed her back—albeit temporarily—with a story line that would finally allow Bianca to have a true relationship.

Ah, a true relationship. As opposed to the kind of sham relationships some soap characters have where the two people involved don't know each other AT ALL, one of them suspects the other of having feelings for a man and, oh, yeah, the other one does have feelings for a man. Oh, wait... 

Carruthers, who joined the show’s staff right after Bianca’s first same-sex kiss, says their approach has evolved. “They made a big deal of it then,” she says. “But now we’re just using the same parameters as we do for the straight couples, and I think we’ve done it tastefully.”

What the hell planet are you on, JHC? Because the only way that last sentence could be more patently untrue is if she had said, "and I think we've done it well".

In case my constant AMC posts comprised at least 75% of bitching about this storyline haven't told you, I LOATHE this clusterfuck of a "story". I hate the fact that Bianca has become such a mess, I hate the fact that Reese exists and, most of all, I hate the fact that AMC is proud of this, so proud that they pat themselves on the back in the press for being awesome and ground-breaking and revolutionary, when, in reality, they are none of those things and this entire lesbian storyline is a convoluted, poorly written joke.

File This Under "Too Little, Too Late"

My feelings for the character of Reese are infused with loathing that I will take a smackdown of her in any form that I can get one. Like, I'd gladly take characters who have had little to no interaction with The Great One confronting her about her awfulness, even if it made no sense in terms of plot. I'd actually pay money to see Opal and/or Palmer administer such a smackdown, but I will file that away as a silly pipe dream.

So part of me really enjoyed Bianca unloading and telling Reese what's what, especially since she was echoing the sentiments of the entire AMC viewing audience. The other part wonders why this epiphany of Reese's terribleness is only coming now, after the two of them ruined a handful of lives (not counting the audience, of course).

And the last part is seriously livid that Bianca's smackdown ended as soon as it started! But I am getting ahead of myself...

Bianca: Oh, my God, how selfish are you [!!!!!!!!!!!!! --Ed.]? So she looked at you funny and asked you a few questions. So that means that her boys should grow up without a mom and Zach without a wife? Hey, sorry, as long as you're --

Reese: Ok, Bianca, I never --

Bianca: Stop it, just stop it! Don't pretend that you know my sister when the fact is you don't have a clue.

Yes! Thank you! That's what we've been saying for months!

And we've long since established that Reese's worldview is assed up, as she believes that children conceived behind people's backs and hidden for months are cause for celebrations, but really, she thinks that a woman wakes up from a months long coma and finds out that her sister and a stranger made a baby with her husband and oh, by the way, all three of them are living at her house and Kendall's supposed to be all "Yay! Reese, let's braid each other's hair and sing 'Ain't No Mountain High Enough' into our hairbrushes!" ?